Devastated about 11yo behaviour

[TopsoilTina]

Me and my partner noticed our son was seeming sad and going on his phone excessively. He’s 11 and in Y6, we got him a phone so we could contact him when he goes out with friends etc.
We decided to start taking it off him to try and make sure he was using it for a healthier amount of time and the way he reacted when I took it off him the first time raised alarm bells so I decided to look through his phone.

I found a few pornographic images as well as a picture of his own genitals. I also found an image which I originally thought was a screenshot of a stranger sending him a pornographic image. I wasn’t sure what app it was as I always check his phone thoroughly to make sure there’s nothing worrying (he didn’t know I checked it frequently, I do it discreetly) but I didn’t recognise it until posting on here and showing my partner.

I was heartbroken at what I’d seen and so concerned but it got a lot worse. I found the messages from this app and he was the instigator of some absolutely vile conversations. Using sexual terms, talking about rape and using a lot of awful racist language too. He was pretending to be 15 and sent two porn images to this person. It looks like she is a 12yo girl from America.

He said he started looking at porn out of curiosity and it seems like he’s become addicted for the past 2 months.

It came as a massive shock as day to day he comes across as a very intelligent and mature boy and I’d say very morally motivated too. We keep an eye on his phone use but clearly not enough which makes me feel so guilty and sad.

We’ve taken his phone, his PlayStation and Tv and he isn’t allowed to play out for a few weeks.

Two things are worrying me now. One that I’m not entirely sure he is showing enough remorse for what he’s done. We’ve explained it’s illegal and how horrendous the messages are. We talk to him a lot about race, discrimination and how women are treated in society etc and he’s always seemed to share these views.

The other thing worrying me is just how angry I’m getting towards him when he doesn’t seem to show guilt. It’s only been 5 days since it all fully came out and at times it feels like he’s over it and asking when he can get his phone back. To me someone who was truly ashamed of their actions wouldn’t dare mention getting anything back anytime soon?

I’d really like to ask that I’m not judged, I’ve had the week from hell and I feel awful and ashamed about all of this as it is. I was raped around age 14 by my teenage boyfriend who was addicted to porn and all of this is massively triggering. Every time I get the slightly sense he doesn’t feel guilty I absolutely fly off the handle and struggle to control myself

The plan going forward is to take him to see a GP and see what help is available, but I suspect there won’t be anything?

We suspect he’s on the spectrum because he displays some behaviours that would suggest it.

He said he pretended to be older and said those things to seem cool but it just goes against everything we’ve ever taught him

And agree call the police. They have a specialist social services unit that can come and speak to your son about the dangers and check all his gadgets etc.
He needs to know how serious this is.

I would ground him until I knew who was influencing his behaviour. How does OP know if hia friends are accessing similar sites and content when they are together at the park.

This. But also he should not get his phone back. He doesn't need a phone.

Agreed

@ nurturedfirst on instagram has some good resources on this stuff! Really recommend checking it out. Working on being collaborative with your son to move past it (as well as obviously maintaining the lack of access to tech etc) can long-term - be better than setting yourself up as a moral force that he rebels against…

sending all the grit - it’s really really hard. So much better that you’ve discovered this now so you can help course correct.

Emma and Matt Willis did a tv programme about the impact of smart phones n kids.
https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/emma-willis-matt-children-phones-b2661212.html

I didn't watch it but these programmes often have a - if you have been affected by the issues from this - an d a list of helpful organisations who maybe more useful than your GP.

Thank you for replying to my post, I really appreciate the advice.

Charities do sound like a good place to start, we were thinking of the GP just to be directed somewhere to get some support really.

In terms of playing out we’ve just stopped him for this week, partly because we feel a bit lost with what to do with him. I don’t worry too much about friends showing inappropriate stuff but then I also didn’t think my son would look at that sort of thing. One good thing is that his conversations with friends were completely normal

I honestly wish it was just porn that we’d found, it would’ve been a different matter. Obviously still serious but the messages were horrendous to read and the main reason we are so angry and upset about it all. Just how he was using awful language etc and was very much the instigator, the other person wasn’t really interested in the conversation

We’ve talked to him about the illegal side of sending porn, about how porn may seem harmless but can ruin your life and that the people in it are sometimes forced etc.

It feels like when I’m kind to him and try to act loving or just normal, it comes across like he feels he’s “gotten away with it” and everything is fine. It seems to be confusing him when I’m kind

Just this FFS.

The poster above who said about his brain resetting etc, that’s my thinking currently. I looked online to see about addiction and it said after a week there should be a slight improvement and then 3 weeks to 8 weeks for a significant change so I’m hoping that things will keep getting better.

I want to help him find hobbies and strengthen our relationship in the process, he’s always refused hobbies but I think he needs a bit of a push to try something new and make new friends

I love him so much and just want the best for him. The person I know him as is very smart, funny and loving and I keep worrying he’s secretly awful based on what I’ve read. I don’t know where he’s got the idea from that porn, rape and racism is cool it’s massively out of character

Once more

I agree with others that you need outside agency help.

School may have some suggestions, you could ask for a meeting with the safeguarding lead.

I wish you all the best with this, it sounds like an absolute nightmare. 💐

Hobbies are non negotiable in our house, really for this kind of reason. Theres plenty out there, doesnt have to be a sport. Was looking at a train set enthusiast one for my son, theres those warhammer clubs, theres badminton, art etc.

He is too young to fully understand what he is saying. It must make you angry but honestly when it comes to sex, violence etc etc a lot of kids hear phrases and chat and then repeat them without fully understanding what it actually means in the real world. He was trying to be grown up and cool and being only 11 thought that was the way to do it.

I don’t understand parents who give their children a phone but don’t limit their access to what they can do/see on it? Madness.

@TopsoilTina I have sent you a message

Sounds like he’s been groomed and the police will take it seriously. This 12 year old girl in america is not real.

Police. Police. Police.

First port of call.

Look at ceop website for reporting.

Charities can help with the aftermath, but you need to address the actual issue first.

I would not even considering giving the phone back given his age and the situation you have described. You can reassess in 6 months, and even then, I think you are looking at a couple of years, and even then, it will have to be with controls.

I feel really sad reading this and imagining how it felt for you to discover this after your past trauma. I think his lack of remorse is a reflection of his lack of understanding of the situation given his lack of maturity. He has now been exposed to things that he shouldn't at this age, and removing the device is the only to stop this from continuing until he is old enough to understand and manage things better.

If you make it clear the phone is taken away for good, he will have to stop asking when he gets it back.

As for him thinking he got away with it, again, he is 11...it would be much different if you were talking to a 15yo. He will know he hasn't gotten away with it if the phone is taken away for good. As for how you interact, I'd let him go out and play and tell him you still love him but that you do not love this behaviour and will not accept it happening again, and that now that you have told him it is wrong, he must prove to you through his actions that he understands that.

I honestly don’t think the 12yo was someone secretly grooming him, the messages are very one sided with my son saying 90% of the bad things. She occasionally joined in with the racist comments but was really disinterested in the sexual comments/photos.

I suppose that wouldn’t rule out that he could’ve been messaged by someone else at some point though and deleted it.

I’ve been and given him a big cuddle and talked about it a bit more.

Something I forgot to add is that about 30 mins after bed time the night it all came out he came back in and said there was something else he hadn’t told me. He said he thinks he might be bisexual and was quite upset and worried about it. We talked about it and I reassured him and he said he’d been worrying about that for months as well as everything else going on

seems like he’s had a really tricky time and he’s going through puberty as well.

i think part of the reason I’ve trusted him with more than I should for his age is he looks like he could easily be in Y8 and because he’s intelligent he comes across as mentally older but actually he’s just a little boy still and I didn’t realise

So this boy who has behaved appallingly should pretty much have no punishment in your eyes?

I'm so very sorry. Kudos to you for being willing to share your son's story to help other parents and their children. I hope things get better for you soon.

OP I think you should contact Prevent. They will work with your so. To de- brainwash him. They do not seek to criminalise. I think it’s his best chance. He needs to realise that if ANYONE else had found these, he would have a Criminal Record and be on the Sex Offenders Register. Truly. He needs to understand the awful distress that he has caused his victims.
Prevent is your key here.

Also speak to school safeguarding officer. They should be running assemblies highlighting online risks as part of pshce. He and other children need to understand that such behaviour has zero tolerance at secondary and can lead to serious consequences.

I agree about safeguarding lead.

But they no doubt are running assemblies/lessons/discussions about this, it's part of the curriculum.

And any adult that works in a school has to do prevent training.

You imply that this is really out of character for him, which is why it is so vital you contact the police. You've managed to catch it in time and put a stop to it by taking his phone, but the next 11yo might not.

The dangers of stuff like this are stuff of nightmares. Please, please, please report this all to ceops (police). I've posted the link up thread. It really is vital.