Devastated about 11yo behaviour

[TopsoilTina]

Me and my partner noticed our son was seeming sad and going on his phone excessively. He’s 11 and in Y6, we got him a phone so we could contact him when he goes out with friends etc.
We decided to start taking it off him to try and make sure he was using it for a healthier amount of time and the way he reacted when I took it off him the first time raised alarm bells so I decided to look through his phone.

I found a few pornographic images as well as a picture of his own genitals. I also found an image which I originally thought was a screenshot of a stranger sending him a pornographic image. I wasn’t sure what app it was as I always check his phone thoroughly to make sure there’s nothing worrying (he didn’t know I checked it frequently, I do it discreetly) but I didn’t recognise it until posting on here and showing my partner.

I was heartbroken at what I’d seen and so concerned but it got a lot worse. I found the messages from this app and he was the instigator of some absolutely vile conversations. Using sexual terms, talking about rape and using a lot of awful racist language too. He was pretending to be 15 and sent two porn images to this person. It looks like she is a 12yo girl from America.

He said he started looking at porn out of curiosity and it seems like he’s become addicted for the past 2 months.

It came as a massive shock as day to day he comes across as a very intelligent and mature boy and I’d say very morally motivated too. We keep an eye on his phone use but clearly not enough which makes me feel so guilty and sad.

We’ve taken his phone, his PlayStation and Tv and he isn’t allowed to play out for a few weeks.

Two things are worrying me now. One that I’m not entirely sure he is showing enough remorse for what he’s done. We’ve explained it’s illegal and how horrendous the messages are. We talk to him a lot about race, discrimination and how women are treated in society etc and he’s always seemed to share these views.

The other thing worrying me is just how angry I’m getting towards him when he doesn’t seem to show guilt. It’s only been 5 days since it all fully came out and at times it feels like he’s over it and asking when he can get his phone back. To me someone who was truly ashamed of their actions wouldn’t dare mention getting anything back anytime soon?

I’d really like to ask that I’m not judged, I’ve had the week from hell and I feel awful and ashamed about all of this as it is. I was raped around age 14 by my teenage boyfriend who was addicted to porn and all of this is massively triggering. Every time I get the slightly sense he doesn’t feel guilty I absolutely fly off the handle and struggle to control myself

The plan going forward is to take him to see a GP and see what help is available, but I suspect there won’t be anything?

We suspect he’s on the spectrum because he displays some behaviours that would suggest it.

He said he pretended to be older and said those things to seem cool but it just goes against everything we’ve ever taught him

I agree, he was groomed by an adult stranger pretending to be a 12yo girl. Usually this is followed by blackmail…send me more porn images of yourself or I will tell everyone. It’s caused suicides in young teens.
The reason he isn’t showing remorse is because he is a victim of online sexual grooming.

So report to police.

Yet again, parent is shocked that their small child is accessing inappropriate content when they give them a phone with the internet...

No 11 year old needs a phone.

Read the anxious generation book by Jonathan Haidt/follow him on IG. All the research and science is out there.

There's also lots of good advice about what to do with kids that forms involve a screen.

People are sleep walking into a nightmare.

I'm so sorry you're having to experience this. Smartphone/internet use can be a really tricky thing for parents to navigate.

It's all well and good to work on educating children about how to stay safe online, but in reality children are not psychologically equipped to have unrestricted access to the internet or social media. (Many adults aren't either!)

Yes, while the internet has taken over at the speed of light, the government is moving at a bloody glacial pace with regards to doing anything about protecting children and society as a whole.

Welcome to a whole new generation of ruined children (and men)!

So sorry you’re going through this OP. It’s horrific.

That sounds absolutely awful, for all of you.

This thread is making me think of Adolescence, how we think we know what they’re up to, but we don’t. I am so glad that my kids were mid-late teens before they got smart phones.

If you think he has ASD, he will be younger for his age, not mature and 'older seeming', no matter how tall he is. He won't understand social rules and will be easily manipulated.

Lots of recent high profile cases, (eg the southport murders, Brianna Ghey's killers, the boy who killed Elianne Adnam) involve a perpetrator with ASD. In my opinion this is because people with ASD are more vulnerable to being warped and manipulated by the internet, but thats just my opinion. (Not trying to be ablist at all, I have a child with ASD so have been watching the news closely and worrying)

Take the phone away for good. He doesnt need it. Only let him access the internet in the living room on a family computer. Take anything that can get online e.g playstation, put if his room and put it in the living room only. Buy him a smart phone if he does well in his GCSEs

This is just terrible OP, I really feel for you. I have an 11 year old and so many of her peers have smartphones, she doesn’t have a phone yet but I read the other day on another thread about a Balance phone which we are now considering for when she goes to secondary. It seems a safer often as it is very restrictive with regards apps and content.

You have had some good advice on here and I hope you and your son can heal and recover form this. So much more needs to be done in our society and by our government to protect our children from the internet and social media. But they are doing nothing so as parents we have to do our best to stand strong. Take care x

You ok OP?

I think you should have a conversation with the safeguarding lead at his school. They should be able to support with this, sign post you to local services and also keep an eye on him in school. He could be using other children’s phones at school if they have them and might be interacting with other children in a sexual way, or there might be other children interacting with him in a sexualised way. To keep him safe you need a team around him. I really wish you the best with this, there is such poison online.

The phone is part of a safeguarding issue. Urgently remove the phone permanently. Buy him a cheap brick phone with no touch screen, just buttons.

Talk to the NSPCC for advice. Also ask the pastoral team at school to talk to him about the law in regards to sharing, storing and taking images of child sex abuse (it’s not porn if it’s a child).

I would go to the police for support. I would also take away any internet devices away until old enough to manage it. Look at smartphone free childhood on insta, hopefully it will help.