Do you check your child's phone at 10?

[KateERxx]

As in, do you check the messages/whatsapp of your child between friends to make sure they're safe and not being bullied/or are being mean to other kids? As well as monitoring the rest of their general phone like internet usage & photos?

I do to my DD who's finishing year 6 this year. I didn't want her to have a phone but all her peer group do at school and didn't want her to feel left out. She has strict hours she's allowed to be on it though, mainly weekends only at this age.

Only reason I ask as after speaking to a few different Mum's they think this is an invasion of her privacy and my DD will start to resent me for it as she's get's older?

I work in a Police Control room and I beg you please check her phone, daily if possible but no less than weekly. We take AT LEAST 20-30 calls a week just in the area I work for about kids being groomed or sent indecent images or being blackmailed into sending indecent images. And parents always say "oh my son/daughter would never do that" but they do and they will. Ideally I'd say take it off her till she's at least 14. Honestly it is devastating the amount of lives ruined by smart phones and online perverts.

Smart phones should be nowhere near children under the age of 16. It beggars belief that it’s become normalised to give pre-teens and young teens smart devices.
I truly hope that legislation takes care of this over the next few years but in the meantime my 12 year old knows they’ll be 16 before they’re allowed one.

I don't want to be a judgey dick but my kid wouldn't be having a phone at 10. I understand the peer pressure awfulness but hopefully abstaining will become more normalised over the next few years. The Anxious Generation is a really interesting read. We hope to put it off till at least 16, will see how it goes. He has no internet access at all atm except on certain games (Fortnite is one) where the parental controls on chat are detailed and robust. (He's not allowed chat.)

Yep same here (well 12 year old, and 15 year old)

And I am generally a fairly laid back “permissive” parent - but this is something that absolutely needs to be monitored.

Out of interest, how old is your child? How will they be getting to school yr6 upwards? Could this be a factor that changes your mind? Your post reads (to me) as though you don’t yet have a ten yr old?

The agreement with my daughter was as long as I'm paying for it I can check it.

My DD is 11. She has a basic flip phone that can text and call, and we only got her that because she was going to stay with her grandparents for a week and wanted to be able to text us.

Have a look at "Smartphone Free Childhood", there's a lot of research into why it's much better for children's development and mental health. However, if you stick with the smartphone, absolutely check messages daily if you can. And avoid Snapchat at all costs.

There was a Snapchat issue in DD's class when she was in Year 5. Some little shit in her class had taken a picture of DD while she wasn't looking, edited it with a load of horrible comments and then sent it to his entire contact list - a very long contact list because the parents never bother to check the child's phone. Thankfully DD is oblivious because of not having Snapchat, but some of her friends in her class saw it and reported it to the teacher, which is how we found out about it.

Absolutely I do/would.

And tbh once I found out her friend's parents were of the "respect their privacy" ilk I'd check more frequently as there's no chance they're going to pick up any issues.

I've got three that are now uni/post uni age and three younger and the older ones have all encouraged even stricter checking and rules, despite them all grumbling when they were younger.

I did get laughed at and lambasted on here a few years back for saying I'd still check the phone of a 14 year old. I'm glad the mindset is mostly changing to checking.

I echo exactly what @Sapanahas said. As a mother of two much older children and currently have a ten year old. My opinion comes from not only seeing how smartphone use impacted my older children and their peers, but also having read the Anxious Generation and associated studies.
I have many friends who are post primary teachers, not one of them has given their child a smartphone having seen the fallout in schools and on the mental health of the children they teach. That kind of confirms my stance that my younger children will not be getting them.

I have an 11 year old and I agree with @Sapana. She doesn’t need a smartphone, and seeing the issues some of her class are having (bullying etc) she doesn’t want one. She walks to school and back… it’s approx 15 mins walk and I can’t see why she’d need a phone for that journey.

This nails it 👌🏻

Year 6 - yes I do. The stuff that goes on the class group chat is shocking and I’m really surprised parents aren’t monitoring it, head teacher has recently written asking parents to check the content which includes swearing /racist language and being unkind to others.

I think it’s just lazy and irresponsible for parents of primary age kids not to monitor phone use.

Its important my DS knows he can ask me about this stuff and would know to tell me if he has any difficulties with it, he checks what he should say (generally to his friends, not in response to the bad language) he doesn’t want to the the one child not on in the group chat but knows he can mute the nonsense and ignores most of it. He would not have what’s app if he was being unkind.

@Sapanaits strange to me that you allow a game which is all shooting and killing for an under ten year old but are worried about a phone.

Screens and phones are a reality, even in lots of school they use iPads, it really doesn’t have to be an issue so long as you are sensible with parental controls and open up conversations, not allowing a teenager a phone is social hell imo. My two don’t have any social media but use what’s app to message family and friends - it’s very simple to monitor.

Smart phones are great for looking up directions/phone numbers/prices/bus times/bank etc all the things adults use, my teenager can access when out and about.

Don’t bother checking it. Just swap it for a basic Nokia or similar instead. That’s all they need at this age and many don’t even need a phone at all. It’s finally coming to the surface the damage that is/has been done to children’s health - both physical and mental due to having smartphones way to early. Checking it will help a bit to keep him safe but it’s negligible.

Basic phones still need checked. Bullies can still text basic phones. Nastiness can still happen with a Nokia

Possibly as they get older although texting is much less of a safeguarding concern than say, Snapchat. My son only has family numbers so no risk.

I still check my daughters phone at 13 and probably will do for a few more years. Certainly until she gets past the 14/15 peak girls bitchiness phase.

Also no social media/ Snapchat and reassuringly from the sounds of this thread her cries of ' but everyone else....' are clearly not true!

Possibly as they get older although texting is much less of a safeguarding concern than say, Snapchat. My son only has family numbers so no risk.

Saying "no risk" is really naive. All it takes is one of his classmates to get his number (and kids all know how to find numbers) and be texting him to have an issue.

One of the biggest risks of Snapchat is the disappearing messages, which can be made to happen with deleting messages on a basic phone as well.

Lower risk yes, but absolutely not no risk.

Why does a 10yr old have a smartphone?!?!? JFC

Really interesting to see the responses. My son is definitely the last in his class to get a phone at age 11. We only got one as his secondary school will use an app for timetable and homework.

Most other kids have had phones with apps such as tik tok/snapchat for a long while.

Yes that was the agreement when my 10 year old son got his phone.

Yes. Actually I have control of her phone (just an old one) and she has it when I allow her - normally not out of the house, and she only has a few vetted friends on it. I check her messages regularly but I do remind her I'm doing it and why, and checking is a condition of having the phone in the first place. We have conversations sometimes about how as she gets older she will naturally want more privacy and how we might navigate that but for now at 10, privacy happens in stages and doesn't extend to her tech devices. I don't get involved in what she's chatting to her friends about and wouldn't unless there was a concern and I think that's respectful enough of her privacy at this point.

My son got his smart phone in year 6, he's just about to leave year 11

When he first got it I told him I'd be checking it regularly, to make sure he was using it safely and that he was safe.
When he got to needing more privacy I said I would only check it if I had reason to be concerned about anything either from or to his phone.
We did have some issues a couple of year ago which were dealt with quickly and harshly, with support from the school in one instance.