Husband mum broke her wrist and pubic bone and he wants to fly to Spain for 24 hours, leaving me, our 6 week old and our toddler behind

[DreamWaves]

My husband’s mum had a bike accident and broke her wrist and pubic bone and can’t currently walk. She lives in Spain with her husband and daughter (we live in London). My brother in law is flying out to help. My husband also wants to fly out for 24 hours, more for ‘emotional support’ than anything and to ‘rally round’ their mum as a family. He wants to go as much for himself as for her.

However he’ll be leaving me alone with our 6 week old baby and toddler who arguably need him more, as there is plenty of support for his mum in Spain. He’s asked if my parents can come over and help, which is an inconvenience to them as they’ll have to spend the night and potentially cancel plans (and they’re both in their late 70s). My mum thinks my husband is being selfish as his priority should be us - he doesn’t seem to realise the knock on effect leaving me with two young kids would have and the extra work it creates for me, and extra pressure it puts on my parents. He said he’d stay if I ask him to but I know he’d think I was being insensitive to his mum’s plight. Is he being selfish or I am being unreasonable? Not sure how to play this one.

I think it’s unreasonable to put pressure on him not to go. It’s his mum and he wants to see her and check she’s ok. Imagine if it was you in a similar situation when you’re older. 1 day won’t hurt.

YABVU
My husband had to fly to Turkey for 6 weeks when our children were very little. I managed fine.
how do you think single parents cope?

YABVU. She’s seriously hurt and he wants to check on her. I’m sure you can cope for 24 hours .

She’s also getting roasted for this: “My mum thinks my husband is being selfish as his priority should be us”

Sounds like her mum is only saying that because she will be inconvenienced when she goes to help OP, I would hope that her children rally around her if she gets hurt.

I think you should let him go...yes it's an inconvenience, but only for a short time..and it's his mother, he will be worried. It's all about the give and take...you can use the get of jail free card if you have to see to your parents down the line.

I think some people are being unnecessarily harsh…baby is only 6 weeks old and she may not have been on her own with them both yet! I know I would be a little anxious to be left by my partner for the first time with my new baby and toddler whether it was for only 24 hours or not. I understand that it’s an awful situation for the mil but she isn’t alone, she has support and is being looked after. It seems like a pointless journey for 24hrs also. He has a responsibility to his wife and his new baby & his toddler first and foremost but people couldn’t wait to pounce!

I doubt his mum will benefit from a toddler around when she has just had an accident.

6 weeks not 6 days

Your mum is saying that because she doesn't want to be imvolved

Why does he need to be of any help? He wants to give her a hug and check she’s ok in person hence the quick visit.

my grandfather had a fall and was fine in hospital but suddenly died a day later so dismissing this as not serious without any idea of their age/ health is pretty awful. Any serious accident once you get older can cause serious consequences. Hopefully all of done for the OP’s mum but you can’t be dismissive that people bounce back from things like this. I am sure the OP’s husband just want to reassure himself she’s ok.

I think you are being quite selfish. If that was me I'd want to be out there to support.

I understand it can be quite overwhelming with a new born and a toddler but for such a short period can you not manage.

What if your parents had an accident wouldn't you want to be there for support even if other family members were going.

Unless there is a reason why you can’t cope then Yabu. I couldn’t have coped at that point and needed constant support for first 3 months but if it’s just more an inconvenience to you then it’s unfair. It’s his mum and most children would want to see their parent after this, your mums attitude isn’t very nice either

Looking after your own children for a day or two is hardly unreasonable. If my mum had such a fall I’d want to go and see her, regardless of how much help she had.

Get a grip. There is something seriously wrong if you cannot cope for a day (or even several days) with your childrenby yourself. I'm sure you would be livid if he told you you couldn't go and visit one of your parents when the where injured or unwell because you had to stay home and look after the kids.

Maybe it’s your hormones and you are undoubtedly tired but if you can’t cope for 24 hours then you’ll never cope in the months to come!

I never comment but had to. Are you actually serious? It's 24 hours. How can you be that dependent on your husband?! You are being very unreasonable.

I'm sorry but your being selfish if it was your mum or dad whether you have siblings to help you'd still want to be there for them and I'm sure your husband would take on the extra. I'll be honest I always coped better on my own when hubby was away than when he's at home. And for your mum saying that is not fair at least your hubby is trying to get you help

I honestly don't understand the people saying his mum doesn't need his help, she has plenty of support, etc. My mum is no longer with us but I loved her with all my heart and if she was hurt I would want to see her - and not just on a video call. Not necessarily because she needed my help but because I loved her and wanted to give her a big hug.

Sorry - another vote for being unreasonable. If he wanted to go away for a lads weekend or something I’d be on your side, but a day or two to visit his mum after an accident is completely reasonable. If anything I’d say your parents are being unreasonable for not being willing to rally round and help for a day.

Have him take the toddler but go for 2–3 days instead. Then he doesn’t need to race there and back. I’m sure he could manage his toddler for a couple of days alone just as you’d be managing the baby alone.

Time is precious. He should go. If his mum is elderly every fall is a setback. He needs to support his siblings if nothing else. I’m a single mum I’ve managed falls and hospitals with my dad, cancer treatment for my mum with little input from my brother and I sadly resent him a little for it!

I thought this too. I would just write off the 24 hours, keep the DC happy, maybe OP is feeling less important than her MiL we don't know one way or the other!
Personally I'd invite a friend over, you can play with the DC for a bit, do some craft, get their little brains working, then hopefully they'll be ready later on to wind down quietly and go to the beds.
His DM will feel better for simply seeing him.

Seriously?? It’s one day. Are you really going to be that mean and say he ‘can’t go’. How would you feel if he said that to you? Surely you’ll be fine with the support of your parents. When we went to Geneva for the day we weren’t even gone for 24 hours and we live 2 hours from the airport. He’ll probably be gone a lot less time than you think.

Why do you need your parents abd tbh they don't sound to happy at being supportive. Lucky you found someone who is caring abd not being unreasonable in his request. Its x2 days at most not like it's your first baby.

Thank you @andweallloveclover that's exactly what I meant. It just seems that there are many threads made about situations of dads going away for whatever reason, where the mum feels she will be unable to cope and I don't remember anyone I knew feeling this way when we were the young mums. And my group had no local family , we used to all help each other. Good luck perhaps.

And the reason I mentioned young women was that it's young women who generally have babies and toddlers. This is from my perspective as a 60 something.

It would have been amazing to have the paternity leave /wfh that many have now, and I think that's a great step forward, but I do wonder if the lack of these things made our generation and ones before us have a more 'just get on with it' attitude.