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Parenting

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Original poster

if you get carecare help from your parents, do you think that entitles them to more of a say?

27 replies

waterdrop · 18/05/2008 22:18

as my parents have been v helpful with dd, although they seem to think as they help us with childcare, so i can work part time, thta means they can have more of a say in what goes on in our lives

do any of you have this with their parents ?

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CarGirl · 18/05/2008 22:19

I think it is a common problem, I'd never recommend anyone to use their parents to provide their daycare - very stressful all round .

Original poster

waterdrop · 18/05/2008 22:20

care care? sorry its getting lare and dd is still up !

and i mean do any of you have this problem with your parents?

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Original poster

waterdrop · 18/05/2008 22:21

cargirl, have you had chiildcare from your parents before? for your children?
how did you find it?

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Ecmo · 18/05/2008 22:22

I wish I had my parents around to offer ANY help with childcare. They could have a say in what goes on but I'm not sure I'd take any notice.

lazarou · 18/05/2008 22:24

Yes, but I don't mind. They advise rather than insist. They're extremely supportive and generous as well.

hatwoman · 18/05/2008 22:26

I think they get a say in what happens when they're doing the looking after. but not the rest of the time. helpful comments/feedback about the time they've been with them would be nice but not such that they amount to a "say"...

Original poster

waterdrop · 18/05/2008 22:27

ecmo, sorry for parents are not around, i know theres someone always worse off, but they are starting to do my head in.

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callmeovercautious · 18/05/2008 22:27

My Sister MIL looks after her boys, it works for them as she has always been a part of their family. She does poke her nose in a bit but TBH only on major issues. I wish my parents would do more with DD my in laws see her more and they are a plane ride away. My Parents are 45mins in the car!

MsHighwater · 18/05/2008 22:30

Depends on what they expect a "say" in, does it not?

Can you be more specific?

llareggub · 18/05/2008 22:31

My inlaws provide childcare 2 days a week and I think it has had a negative impact on our relationship. I think it is inevitable, given that they spend a lot of time with us. I tend to overlook the trivial things that niggle. I also try to remember that I am very happy with my DH so they must have done something right.

I am very happy that my DS will have such a close relationship with his grandparents and this is more important to me than getting our own way with parenting styles. On the whole they are fairly respectful of my views, but they do struggle to understand why I am still breastfeeding a toddler!

Original poster

waterdrop · 18/05/2008 22:42

ms hw, they just try and say what time dd should be having her nap and for how long and what see should be eatting and doing

tbh i suppose i don't really like them so deeply involved in out lives, it feels like because they do dd chiildcare, they have brought rights iykwim?#
i know i sound horrible.
but im not, im glad dd sees them and id love to just visit them, without all the stress of holidays sorting etc

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MsHighwater · 18/05/2008 22:55

As long as them doing things differently is not causing disruption to your dd, then I think it's OK if they do things in a way that fits with their lives (after all, that's probably what you do) as long as she gets enough sleep each day. If it is causing problems then you perhaps need to negotiate but I'd say you have the final say - though you might need to employ some tact if you want the arrangement to continue.

Re food, how much do you dislike what they are feeding her? If you really object, then they should probably go along with your wishes. You should at least talk about it.

Overriding principle is:- your dc = your (and dh/dh, of course) decision.

MsHighwater · 18/05/2008 22:55

dh/dp!

alfiesbabe · 18/05/2008 23:02

Agree with cargirl. I wouldnt recommend using grandparents for the regular childcare. Grandparents should be allowed to enjoy their relationship with their grandchildren without there being strings attached. Occasional looking after and babysitting is different, but providing free childcare so the parent can earn is different. As cargirl says, it automatically makes it a different relationship. Grandparents should be able to give their time and love for its own sake - not to make life convenient for the parents. Sadly these scenarios often do seem to result in this situation - there are frequent threads about problems between parents and grandparents, usually over this very issue. The bottom line seems to be, yes, if you allow your parents or PIL to provide childcare for free, then you have to take the rough with the smooth. It seems unreasonable to want the benefits, without accepting that the grandparents will probably want to have more control and do things their way. If you organise childcare with a CM or nursery, then you are in a far stronger position to choose the kind of care you want, and call the shots if there are things you arent totally happy about.

Original poster

waterdrop · 18/05/2008 23:04

i don't mind so much what they do with dd when they have her, with regard to her naps etc.

but they keep telling me stuff like oh she'd be better off having 2 short naps a day, and telling me what i should be doing with dd when i have her.

they alwats give her loads of choc etc

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Original poster

waterdrop · 18/05/2008 23:10

ab, yes its made it a different type of realtionship.
not in a good way

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suedonim · 18/05/2008 23:19

A friend of mine has had issues with this from the other end. She looks after her daughter's child, sometimes Mon-Fri inc the nights. The child was to be fed organic foods and sleep on/wear organic clothing and conform to Gina Ford's regime.

The parents provided neither of the first two and GF's routine meant that my friend, who was recently retired and looking forward to a new life, was confined in a strait jacket wrt to enjoying herself. Eventually something had to give and her dd had to back down on some of her demands but I have to say, as a GP I'd have put my foot down a lot sooner.

Original poster

waterdrop · 18/05/2008 23:34

what actually is the gf routine, ive heard of it but don't know what it is?
good to see it from a gp persective thanks

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suedonim · 19/05/2008 00:12

She wrote the Contented Baby book, advocating keeping a baby in strict routines. There's a lot of controversy around her methods - try searching with her name on Mumsnet!

HonoriaGlossop · 19/05/2008 00:28

My experience has been that there was no-one I would rather leave my ds with than his grandparents and I was lucky enough to be able to do this two days a week till he was at school - now he is picked up three days a week and spends a couple of hours with each grandmother before DH or I get home

My mum is just an angel and would not dream of interfering or 'having a say' in our lives; she plays with ds, end of story. she's besotted with him and will listen to teeny details about his day and she will give her opinion but it's just that, an opinion and she's ALWAYS backed me up in what I've done...I do realise I am very lucky with my mum

My MIL is great too, but she is a busy lady and after her stint with DS she's off home to do other things and we don't really talk enough for her to interfere or have a say!

So for me, and DS,the GP experience has been wonderful and he's got the closest possible relationship with his GPs, it's a really precious thing to us all I think.

HTH just thought it's good to hear how it works for others

pleasechange · 19/05/2008 12:20

I think if they are providing a lot of childcare then yes, they are entitled. After all, the way you're bringing the child up at your's will have a big impact on how it behaves at the gp's, and they are doing you a massive favour. IMO if you're not happy, then consider the cost of private childcare and you may realise how lucky you are

scattyspice · 19/05/2008 12:28

To answer the OP.

Yes it probably does mean they will want more say. It doesn't mean you have to take any notice though.

Lazycow · 19/05/2008 12:31

tbh my experience of using childminders is that they often want to have a say too in areas where it affects them. E.g nap times, ways of discipining, type of food given.

I'm not sure why Grandparents would be any different?

Nurseries are less of a problem in a way because in effect the child just fits into the nursery routine (after they are babies anyway).

The truth is children often have different routines in different places and when we start to use any sort of childcare we no longer have complete control over many things. We either accept that or don't use any childcare (i.e stay at home).

spicemonster · 19/05/2008 12:46

My experience is similar to HonoriaGlossop's - my mum looks after my DS one day a week (when I'm working) and adores him and he adores her. She's amazing.

AbbeyA · 19/05/2008 13:01

I think that if you are using them a lot then you have to put up with it, you don't have to take any notice. It isn't really any different, if you use a nursery you fit in with them, if you use a childminder then you fit in with her.

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