Daughter sharing a bed with Grandma

[YellowBuzyBee]

My 11yo daughter stays with her dad (who lives with his mum) every other weekend. Whilst there, my daughter sleeps in the same bed as her grandma. There's never been the offer of her own bed. Personally I've always found this a bit strange (last 4/5 years) and have raised it previously but ive just let them get on with it. Now she is in her final year of primary, hitting puberty etc and honestly I don't feel like it's right. I've brought this up with her dad who's said there's nothing wrong with it and my daughter has actually raised it with her grandma but there's been no mention of it changing. It's always thrown back as 'your mum's telling you to say this'. Does anyone else find it a bit old for them to be sharing a bed with no choice every other weekend or am I being unreasonable? I'm worried that once she starts secondary she'll get bullied if people were to find out or as an adult she'll look back and feel a bit weird about it. I know I'd feel weird about the thought of sharing a bed with my nan as a teenager.

If she's uncomfortable then definitely it's not appropriate but if she's happy I'd leave it. She's going to want her own space as she gets older and I'm sure she'll make it very clear when she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed. Grandparents aren't around for ever and it's nice that they're close. Tbh I'd be more uncomfortable if she was sharing a bed with her dad!

From my perspective, I see no harm with co sleeping with Grandma.

I used to visit my granny quite often when I was at secondary school. I always slept with her. I still smile when I remember her snoring and the sound of the chiming clock during the night, downstairs. Happy memories.

I don’t see anything wrong/ inappropriate with it, IF your DD is happy with the arrangement. You need to put your own feelings aside and be very sure that you are not imposing your own opinion on her. The comment earlier on the thread was bang on. You need to tell your DD that 1) she doesn’t need to discuss her sleeping arrangements with her friends, or anyone else and 2) that other peoples (including your own) are unimportant here. What matters is how SHE feels.
Now, IF she is adamant that she isn’t happy with the sleeping arrangements, then I’d suggest that you buy her an inflatable/ put up bed for her to use, either in her grandmothers room, or in the living room.
You DO need to accept that her father is as much her parent as you are, and there are things that you and your daughter need to accept will be different when she is with him, but that a relationship with her dad is more important than “just” where she sleeps.
On a side note, you don’t mention why he is living with his mother. I’m only mentioning it because it’s not unusual when a relationship breaks down, for the father to move out and live in less than ideal/ cramped conditions, to leave their children in the family home with their ex. I don’t know if that’s the position here, but if it is, then I think you need to cut him some slack.

Fine occasionally or for a younger child but it’s not really an appropriate arrangement for every time she stays with her Dad’s especially now she’s approaching being a teen. She will want and need privacy and she should feel like she has her own space at her Dad’s and like it’s a second home, not a place she’s a mere visitor.

It's perfectly fine and normal!
And as the child of separated parents I'd say the only reason she tells you that she has a problem with it is because you do!

Did you post about this before? Swear I saw something similar awhile back.I think at her age, its not really appropriate unless your daughter did so by choice and had another option of her own bed and she wanted it.A toddler or young primary school age wouldn't see an issue with if they had a very close relationship with the grandma (like a 3rd parent sort of thing)

I think it’s lovely, I shared a bed with my Grandma when staying over there but I did have my own bed if I wanted to. I would share a bed with any of my female relatives now too if the need arose (lack of space etc).

I used to share the bed with my grandmother when we stayed with her after she was widowed. It was not a problem at all, although she claimed she never had a wink of sleep (a regular occurrence, whether or not we were staying with her). Judging by the very loud snoring, I was able to confirm that she had at least one wink of sleep….

My son still hopped in with his Nan until his late 20s! If she's happy it's fine. I suppose a bit of choice would be nice mind

My best friend shared a bed with her Mam and her sister shared a bed with her Grandmother. This went on until the girls were late teens and their housing situation changed. I never thought it was strange. There were five kids and two adults in a three bedroom house.

Another friend shared a bedroom with her sister and Grandmother and again I didn't think it was weird.

My own Grandmother shared a room with her two daughters. Didn't have a good marriage so Grandfather slept in the main bedroom.

We don't live in the UK.

i mean even a little futon and a sleeping bag in the same room isn’t very expensive or hard to arrange. They’re being obtuse not at least offering her a slightly better arrangement than sharing with granny every time.

I would not have felt comfortable sharing a bed with either of my Grans. Your exh needs to.provide your DD with her own space and should offer her to sleep in his room and he sleeps.on couch in sitting room for the nights she stays or else he might find the no longer wants to sleep overnight.

My nieces & nephew choose to sleep with my Mum, despite having a lovely guest room available to them!

I used to get in the middle of the bed with my grandparents , despite them having a guest room. The last time I did that I was 12, my Grandad got cancer then & he was too ill 😪
Had he not died, I don't know when I'd have stopped. Probably around then, but only because it was getting a bit squishy! Probably would have taken turns with the each grandparent & the other in the guest room 😂😂

it's only a night or two EOW.

I imagine your daughter is just saying what you want to hear. God forbid she's ok with the situation.

My mum shared a bed with her nan until she left home for university. Granted that was in the 60s!

I don't think it's weird per se, but if she's uncomfortable with it then your ex should give up his room while she's there.

If she is comfortable with it, it wouldn't bother me. If appears as though it's outsiders who take issue with it. Not her or gran.

Agree. I’m watching a Korean drama at the moment where the adult female lead lives with her Grandma and they sleep together cuddled up on a floor mat, this is normal in lots of K dramas. Siblings, friends, families. Sleeping in with your Mum or Grannie feels so safe, it’s totally normal all around the world. I remember reading something where Germaine Greer was staying with a family in India and a young boy would come in and sleep next to her as he was worried she was lonely sleeping all alone.
So the co-sleeping isn’t an issue, the only issue is whether your dd would like her own space there and to have a choice.

This is really odd.
Bedtime with young children is a special bonding time between parents and child- the process of storytime, talking about their day, what they will do tomorrow etc. This is not for grandparents, they had their time.
its one thing jumping on your grandparents bed in the morning as a child and getting in to bed to say good morning but totally odd to sleep in the same bed all night.
its not appropriate.

I loved sleeping with my grandma. We always had the double bed when they took me on holiday and poor grandpa was relegated to the single without so much as a by your leave. She was much more lavishly upholstered than my slim mother so it was all very cosy.

Speaking as a grandmother, I absolutely love having mine over for sleepovers and just last weekend I bought a big airbed to set out in my living room for 4 of them. 2 chose to sleep on it, 2 wanted to sleep in with me. That was absolutely fine and when I woke up to my one granddaughter hugged into me and that just melted me. I would also give anything to go back in time and have sleepovers at my nan's again too, as that was my safe place and even now I would love nothing more than cwtching up to her. I really hope my grandchildren can say the same about me when I'm gone!! There's nothing sinister about it so don't make an issue where there shouldn't be one!!

I think it was fine until she’s got older and noticing it. As you say she will be hitting puberty soon. Can you imagine her starting her period and bleeding in the bedsheets of a shared bed with her nan. I’d be mortified compared to having bled on sheets on a bed I was sleeping in alone.

When I was 5 I slept with Nana.
At, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16…
And 17 and 18.
At 19 I stopped staying over.
It was never weird because it was just what we did.
She was Nana. ❤️

My granddaughter has her own room at our house but chooses to share bed with grandma and the dog 🤦‍♀️Absolutely fine from my perspective but very cosy and not the best sleep for me!

I think it's lovely to sleep with your nan, nothing weird about it at all , but if your daughter is uncomfortable with it then she needs a bed to herself.

I slept with my granny until I was about 15. This was sleepovers or holidays. I don’t see the issue. It was my granny’s birthday today and I miss her so much.

Absolutely this.

For what it’s worth I shared a bed with my nan when I visited right up until she died (unexpectedly) when I was 18.

Is no different from sharing a bed with any other female (which I do when I stay over at friends who dont have spare bedrooms or put you beds- I am 50!)