Daughter sharing a bed with Grandma

[YellowBuzyBee]

My 11yo daughter stays with her dad (who lives with his mum) every other weekend. Whilst there, my daughter sleeps in the same bed as her grandma. There's never been the offer of her own bed. Personally I've always found this a bit strange (last 4/5 years) and have raised it previously but ive just let them get on with it. Now she is in her final year of primary, hitting puberty etc and honestly I don't feel like it's right. I've brought this up with her dad who's said there's nothing wrong with it and my daughter has actually raised it with her grandma but there's been no mention of it changing. It's always thrown back as 'your mum's telling you to say this'. Does anyone else find it a bit old for them to be sharing a bed with no choice every other weekend or am I being unreasonable? I'm worried that once she starts secondary she'll get bullied if people were to find out or as an adult she'll look back and feel a bit weird about it. I know I'd feel weird about the thought of sharing a bed with my nan as a teenager.

Yes it’s very odd and not right. She needs her own space.

I would expect her to have her dads room while there, with dad on the sofa.

Does she actually feel upset by it? Or is it because you are raising it? I can’t see why it’s weird unless she’s uncomfortable with it (without you telling her to be)

My DD shared a bed with her Granny while visiting through choice. They didn’t get to spend much time together due to distance and really cherished their sleepovers. So I personally have no issue with it at all

She recently had a bit of a shocked reaction from friends at school when it came up in conversation. That did then spark a conversation between the two of us around the suitability of it now she's getting older

This has been my suggestion previously or for her to have the sofa or an air bed etc

Well reassure her that 1) she doesn’t have to tell her friends, and 2) it doesn’t matter what other people think. Don’t raise your child to change what she’s comfortable with just to suit the opinions of other kids (or parents).

I think it's the fact that this is a regular set up rather than an every now and then thing that just doesn't feel right with me

I shared a bed with my Nan until my early teens when she died. No weird feelings about it at all as a grown up. Loved her to bits

I don't quite agree with that I'm afraid. Whilst I don't believe in changing who you are to benefit anyone else, there's also an element of making choices that aren't going to cause negative impacts to your life for very little ethical or moral benefit. I don't believe there is a strong desire in her to have this. There is just simply no other option made available to her. I also believe it's important to teach children the appropriateness of a situation. Personally I do believe her own sleeping space should be at least offered to her for the time she spends with her dad. Particularly given her age now. Personally I do find it inappropriate to not have that.

Can I ask was this a regular set up or as a rare occasion when visiting situation?

We often go away with DH's extend family and my teenage DD often shares a bed with her auntie. She loves it. Sees it as sleepover with her favourite aunt. I've never seen it as weird.

I think your DD should have her own bed and privacy at 11. Tell her dad to sort it out or she won't be staying over there. Let him take you to court if he likes - no judge is going to think it's ok that she's having to share a bed with her Grandmother.

Well you asked for opinions on this and I’ve given mine.

@YellowBuzyBeesemi-regular. I stayed with her quite frequently. Was a total non-issue and have never thought it strange. If your child wants their own space that is one thing, but if you are projecting your unease onto her that is another.

I think if your DD is uncomfortable with it then other arrangements should be made. She has the right to decide where and with whom she sleeps given she is at a sensitive age.

If your DD finds it uncomfortable, it needs to alter.

But I really don't think it's weird for two related women to be sharing a bed together. It wouldn't bother me having to share a double with my mum now as an adult!

I don’t think it’s weird. I would share a bed with my mum now if needed. It’s not inappropriate. But I think she should be doing it of her own free will and get the option of her own space.

My DD was constantly in the bed with us when she was younger but by 11 she loved her own bed and would have hated to have to sleep with us.

No judge is going to think it’s reasonable for a mother to stop contact solely on this basis.

In itself sharing with Granny is a non issue. My tween daughter has her own double bed at my mum’s house.

More often than not she sleeps in with my mum though as loves reading in bed while mum does, or they watch TV in bed etc.

But. It’s a totally different thing if she’s getting no choice in the matter. Very unfair.

I think it’s completely fine.

Its one of my most precious memories of my maternal grandma sharing her bed when I was with her (and I went a LOT 2-3 weekends a months) this didn't stop until I was a late teenager where the overnights stopped as I was away at school.

I can still recall 30 years on the sensation of being placed under that ten ton duvet and feeling like I was the safest ever.. small whispered chat as we fell asleep..

I had an amazing grandma. I miss her...

Does she have personal space? I’m not fussed re actual sleeping

To me the bed sharing with gran is not in itself inappropriate unless DD herself dislikes it. It's something you clearly feel strongly about so you would need to be careful to ensure you aren't inadvertantly pushing that opinion onto her, as really it's just a question of preference, not a moral absolute. One of my really close friends shares a bed every night with her 13 year old daughter - my instinctive reaction is that this is a bit weird and I would hate it myself, but both daughter and mom are really happy with it so actually, who am I to judge? I share a bed sometimes with my own child of the same age, on holiday for example, and I guess that would be seen as strange in some people's eyes.....

For me, the greater problem with the situation you describe is that this is your daughter's home too (albeit one she is in less often) and yet she does not have any space of her own. That seems really sad. Where does she keep her stuff? Does she even have her own chest of drawers, bookshelf, desk etc within the room? Or nothing that is really hers? I would worry she must feel like a random visitor, rather than part of the family, as she should.....

Not sure why it is weird. Seems to me an issue is being made when there is none. I slept next to grandma regularly when I was a child and teenager. We would have lovely conversations in the night. And just drift off to sleep.