Daughter sharing a bed with Grandma

[YellowBuzyBee]

My 11yo daughter stays with her dad (who lives with his mum) every other weekend. Whilst there, my daughter sleeps in the same bed as her grandma. There's never been the offer of her own bed. Personally I've always found this a bit strange (last 4/5 years) and have raised it previously but ive just let them get on with it. Now she is in her final year of primary, hitting puberty etc and honestly I don't feel like it's right. I've brought this up with her dad who's said there's nothing wrong with it and my daughter has actually raised it with her grandma but there's been no mention of it changing. It's always thrown back as 'your mum's telling you to say this'. Does anyone else find it a bit old for them to be sharing a bed with no choice every other weekend or am I being unreasonable? I'm worried that once she starts secondary she'll get bullied if people were to find out or as an adult she'll look back and feel a bit weird about it. I know I'd feel weird about the thought of sharing a bed with my nan as a teenager.

I think it’s fine. I used to stay with my nana every weekend and could have had my own room but liked staying with her.

It's fine but if daughter wants change ..
Research comfy camp beds that are thinner than a single and able to be stored under Granny's bed or agaainst a wall etc. Do extensive testing until you find a suitable one and buy it for daughter to contribute to her home at her Dad's place.

At 11 the judge WILL listen to the child not the mum. So not he judge won’t make her because the dad says has had too .

@YellowBuzyBee I agree with you totally. It’s all well and good for people to say to an eleven year old that what your friends think doesn’t matter, however your daughter is at a perfectly normal stage of development where peer relationships become more important. Family is still important too but now she’s older and approaching adolescence and adulthood she is at that stage where she’s forming her own beliefs and values. It is normal to care about and to want to know what your peers think, to want to fit in. It is a human developmental milestone and a necessary transition from child to adult.

Also, girls start puberty earlier than boys. Perhaps your ex isn’t aware of that? And it is very normal to start wanting more privacy. He needs to start being more sensitive about her need for privacy. If she is uncomfortable sharing a bed she shouldn’t be made to.

I don’t think it’s odd that she’s sharing a bed with her grandma, I use to love sleeping in with my nana when I went for sleepovers and there was a spare bed for when any of her grandchildren stayed over. We all chose to jump in my nanas bed and was fun, we watched tv together and chatted. They are some of my fondest memories.

Unfortunately, the reality you don’t actually get a say what the arrangements are when in dads care. My main question is did your daughter raise this ‘concern,’ to you saying if she was unhappy or is it that she has mentioned the arrangement and then you’ve passed comments on it and then she has mentioned it to her grandma and dad. Because if that’s the case then they are correct it has stemmed from your opinion and your issue. If she doesn’t feel comfortable and doesn’t want to sleep in her bed and that is what she said to you before you either commented or said anything, then thats slightly different. If that’s the case she is old enough to speak up for herself, I have found in my own personal experience there are things that needs to be left for our children to address and have a voice to prevent any conflict between the parents causing conflict. I would then if she’s not being listened to or heard then step in and arrange a meeting to include your daughter so she can voice her wants and upsets with your support x

I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, my dds shared with my mum when they stayed at hers. Does it genuinely bother her or is she following your lead? She doesn’t need to tell her friends the sleeping arrangements at her dad’s.

If she’s genuinely uncomfortable then you can tell her dad but it seems unlikely he will listen. In a couple of years she will be old enough to have more autonomy over what her life looks like and can decide if it’s a deal breaker for her or not.

For now I’d stop bringing it up with her and see how things go.

I have since read some of your replies, as for her friends and their opinions I do agree with another poster about letting her know that kids can be cruel and it’s nothing to do with her friends and their opinions should not impact nor influence what she does….and I’m sorry but that also goes for your opinions on the matter. Seems to me she was very happy and unbothered about this until others have voiced their opinions, whether that originally stemmed from conversations with her peers or yourself either way seems to have come from others.

having her own space when visiting her dad is beneficial and would be nice for her especially as she grows older but again reality is it’s not a requirement in court. It’s not her place of residence her home is seen to be with you. I do think as I suggested if she herself wants her own space and no longer wanted to share a bed with grandma then let her address the issue take a step back (it’s hard and feels unnatural trust me been there many times over the years about various issues) if she is ignored and you are still blamed meet up the 4 of you let her tell them again in her words but with your support being there.

You are not being unreasonable. I can see why this set up was ok until now, due to lack of space. But I think now that your daughter is becoming a teenager she should have her own bed and own space. Dad could go on the sofa, daughter can then have her own bed. (As a one off, I’d have no problem sharing a bed with grandma, but not as a regular thing anymore.) Good luck I hope you will all be able to work this out … Oh and my teenage daughter just walked in and she’s also like ‘what - absolutely no way!!’

That's odd. My nan had a bed that pulled out from under hers (which i believe was a couple cm lower) and I slept on that sometime, but definitely not her actual bed

Just to add as a response to all replies. My issue is that there isn't an option available to her and that given she is getting older now am I right in feeling there should be an alternative. This is her home, not a holiday etc.

There are no issues around contact / court etc no one is looking at that.

As this seems to have dug up a lot more than just a black and white response around choice and age and I seem to be getting accusations thrown my way, I feel I need to add more detail as to the setup and how conversations have occured with my daughter around the subject.

Daughters dad has a well paying job, we have a private maintenance agreement set fairly considerably lower than what a CMS agreement would be, originally set to enable him to sort suitable housing, dad has another house with his partner that my daughter isn't aware of, she believes he lives full time with grandma and that he is trying to get them a house together (him and my daughter) as that is what he tells her when she complains.
Attached to Grandma's is an annex where daughters uncle lives with his 4 children full time. Connecting door. My daughter often comes home upset that the other children have ruined or taken her things that are kept next to her side of the bed, or that she was made to sleep on the sofa because one of the other kids wanted a sleepover with grandma etc some issues are her being over sensitive (she's awaiting an autism assessment so can find some things disproportionately difficult) but some are perfectly valid. The sleeping situation is often a topic of conversation as a part of all this. She's very protective of her belongings and space in my house and there are clear boundaries between her and her brothers (different dad) around respecting each others spaces etc. My daughter has decided to drop one off her days at dads, used to be fri-mon now fri-sun, because she feels too stressed while she's there. Dad has had no objection to this. There is obviously a lot going on at dads aside from this which causes these topics to come up. It's not quite as simple as me 'projecting my opinions' onto her.

All that aside though, my question was around age suitability and choice and a concern around bullying from peers. Bed sharing was never a norm in my childhood so does seem odd to me, hence the question.

Could you ask her how she feels? There are some amazing airbeds now that dad could maybe sleep on to give her some space.

I used to love sharing a bed with my grandma. I think about it even now and how nice it was. We all have double beds here but my children often ask to still sleep with me some nights. I joke that it’s like the family in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory all in that bed! I’m in my 40s and would still jump in with my mum & watch a film. Dogs as well!

I thought it was a bit weird from the start. Maybe fine as a one off but not regular. I think this type of thing used to be the norm back in our grandparents day but it’s not normal now. Then I read your most recent reply and I think the whole thing is nuts. So the father has a secret life?! Does dd know about her father’s partner? Does she have kids? Lies always come back to bite you. Why can’t dad stay with df and the partner? The situation with the uncle and kids is weird. Your dd is like the poor relation. Go back to cms and get what your owed properly too.

What makes you think DD is not comfortable with it? She mentioned it to her friends thinking it was fine and was only bothered by their response.

She knows about the partner though she has no involvement. She doesn't have kids herself and I get the impression she doesn't really like kids hence keeping the two lives separate. Again I think that's weird but it doesn't affect my daughter as such so I just leave him to it. I do feel sorry for my daughter. One of the things that came up when she decided to drop the day was that she didn't feel as loved as her cousins. But that is a whole other kettle of fish. I just wanted opinions on bed sharing with grandparents as it's an alien concept to me, especially in pre/pubescent years.

Fair enough. All il say is that it might not bother her now that df partner doesn’t want anything to do with her but that may not always be the case. Re the sleeping arrangements I would be saying if they can’t provide your daughter with some personal space to sleep and her own bed then she won’t be staying there. It doesn’t sound like the father is living in poverty so to bring his daughter up in this way in my opinion is very poor. I wouldn’t want this for my DC. I’d say your gut feeling that this is weird is correct. Good luck.

To be honest, maybe it's best that your ex partner keeps his child separate to his new girlfriend. It's sometimes very awkward and forced when children are forced to spend weekends with dads new girlfriend. If I was your daughter, I would prefer to spend my weekend with dad and gran instead of dad and his new missus.
Gran obviously has a soft spot for her if she willingly shares her bed.

@YellowBuzyBee I honestly think it’s up to your Dd . I had one set of granparents there room was a no go I also had a widowed gran I stayed once a week with and we shared we read together .
I don’t think anyone sees it as weird as your post did come across.
I also hate and had to deal with a family member accusing me of putting words in my dc mouth. Just because we talk too and listen to our kids it doesn’t mean it’s our words.

It will back fire on dad and his family . As your Dd will soon enough stop going .
I couldn’t see my child at that age sharing with anyone tbh . Or When they were a year or two younger .
Keep doing what your doing.

This does add a lot of missing context.

So, the topic is less "is cosleeping weird?" (to which the answer is no, it's not generally weird) and more "my daughter is unhappy with the chaotic sleeping arrangements at her dad's, what do I do?"

If she is genuinely upset at all of this, you just have to keep raising it with her father and pointing out it is going to damage his relationship with her. Be reasonable, offer solutions like the blow up mattress etc

Ultimately if my child were in actual distress I wouldn't send them. That's a tough call though.

Every other weekend having to sleep on an air bed because your father’s partner wants nothing to do with you and it’s that or sleep with your gran is very weird. I can’t believe people think it’s not. Cosleeping on a regular basis into your teens is not normal. Sorry but when I think back to the kids that were being bullied at school it’s the types of children who had these strange at home arrangements. Also it can’t be good to be sleeping on an air bed every other weekend. Fine for a holiday or something but they are not made to be a substitute for a regular bed. If you go to your dads every other weekend it should be your home from home there is no stability here and it doesn’t sound like the dd can possibly feel at home. It’d be bad enough she has to sleep with the grandmother every time she goes but the grandmother sometimes has another child in her bed and then op dd turfed to the back of the queue

I used to sleep in my nanny's bed for our regular saturday sleepover until I was about 14 and she became a bit incontinent due to her age and disability. Those are some of my most precious memories of her, so on the face of it, no I dont think it is weird.

However - that was by choice. I had the option of sleeping in another bed if I wanted to. If she's having to do this and she feels uncomfortable, then that should be respected.

I think with any age children and girls, especially girls they will always usually find something to be a little unkind about and this will hopefully (although a rather hard lesson) be a learning curve for your daughter, sometimes somethings are better left unsaid and you learn as you get hold who will be in your own council who you can chat with things with and who are a little too judgey. It’s not a nice lesson to learn but it’s a lesson all the same. I think your update clears quite a few things up and why you are so concerned. Thankfully by your update it seems like you daughter has a very wise head on her shoulders in many ways than most at her age, choosing to drop a day knowing that’s what she wants. I think there is one thing sharing a bed with grandparents, like I said before I don’t think it’s weird as long as daughter is ok with that. Maybe drop the topic of bed sharing as ex and parent seem to have a bee in their bonnet blaming you. Maybe point out she needs somewhere to keep her things, maybe give her a box with a lock not for everything but for special things of hers there and only she has the code or key for her to take with her. Concentrate on that side and the rest will hopefully come. Good luck. It really isn’t easy,simply because we have very little or no say in arrangements and time spent with their dad and family x

@YellowBuzyBee I wouldnt be happy at my daughter sharing a bed with a grandmother knowing that her dad has a home elsewhere! has she even been to his home??

I wrote a post about my stepdaughter sharing a bed with her Mum, she’s 14. She stays with us for some of the week and has her own room (as stipulated by her Mum from when we very first started having her overnight) but when she’s at Mum’s, it’s a one bed flat and they share a double bed in the only bedroom.
I had mixed responses to my post but the majority thought it unusual and not ‘normal’ to still be bed sharing when daughter is a teenager and needs her own space.
Could your daughter’s dad sleep on the sofa for the nights she is there? It’s not fair on her, and the fact she is starting to be conscious of this shows it’s affecting her, same as my stepdaughter.
There are always other solutions, it’s just people having to make more effort, like a sofa bed or splitting a bedroom. In my stepdaughters case, her Mum refuses to change their set up which is now causing her embarrassment unfortunately, she can’t ever have friends over or have a sense of own space. I’m sad for her and we do what we can to give her all she needs at ours. I feel that it will end with resentment between her and Mum where Mum isn’t understanding what she needs.
Will it get to a stage where your daughter no longer stays overnight? Is that where she is thinking if things don’t change?

So many are missing the point

for a visit it’s prob lovely

for every single stay every other weekend and no choice in it it’s different

I slept in my nans bed until I was 12-13 I loved it we used to watch TV and have a cup of tea it's only wierd if you want it to be. If my nan was still here I'd have a sleep over in her bed in an instant