Consequence at home for school detention?

[FlippityFloppityFlump]

My DS is in year 7 and has today had a detention for disruptive behaviour in a lesson. It's his first one at high school.

I'm wondering whether other parents give a consequence at home when there has been detention at school? If it was for uniform or something i probably wouldn't but because it is disrupting a lesson (they get chance choice and then consequence) it obviously continued.

Would you give consequence in these circumstances? Would it being the first time make a difference to you.

I want him to know we support the school and his behaviour isn't acceptable but don't know whether double consequence is right way to go this time. Or a whether to support the school by talking to him.

If it makes any difference, I pre-empt he may not take responsibility and it will tell me it's someone else's fault 🙄

Most schools seem to dish out detentions like sweets.

I never bothered but up to you.

Not for a first offence but I would if it was repeated. I‘m also assuming that there was no violence, destruction of property or extreme language like slurs used and that when warned he backed down quickly.

Unless it's extraordinarily serious, I wouldn't punish twice for the one offence.
I would give a good talking to (perhaps some might see that as an additional punishment).
Definitely make it clear you support the school

One punishment is sufficient.

As a teacher I would say yes. Disruption is disrespectful and selfish. The punishment needs to hurt but doesn't have to be for a long length of time. I.would say denying something they like for the evening perhaps? This will hopefully stop it in its tracks.

If all parents were supportive, it would be easier to tackle the indiscipline. There is a pack mentality sometimes. Thank you OP.

Absolutely there would be additional punishment at home! Phone removed, no gaming if they got a detention in school. Mummy’s punishment would be way worse than what school would do.

No. The punishment is the detention, assuming it was warranted.

I would always investigate as teachers do sometimes misuse the school disciplinary process to persecute a bullied kid that snaps and fights back. Eg a bully slams child into the wall in hall way or trips them with no teacher seeing it, the bullied child either pushes them back or yells at them “Oi you’re a fucking asshole, I hate you” which the teacher sees or overhears, bully cries crocodile tears, pretends they did nothing and they’re the victim and the bullied child is on detention for being disruptive…

But, yeah I never heaped punishment on top of punishment. I don’t believe in punishment anyway.

You don’t believe in punishment - so they get away with it when they’re done wrong?

Depends on the circumstances but I’d probably do no phone/Xbox for the night the day of detention. I’ve got nephews who couldn’t give a flying fuck about a detention in school because they are in the same room as their mate who they got in trouble with and spend the 20 mins chatting, or their favourite is a lunchtime detention because instead of having to stand in the queue for 20 minutes they get their lunch delivered to them, that’s a win in their eyes! But not being able to come home and go on their Xbox? A punishment worse than death itself!

No one gets away with anything. I just don’t use punishment to teach right from wrong.

The detention is the consequence, and maybe having to tell one's parents. I've never understood this mentality of punishing twice for the same offence. Back in the day, those who got caned at school expected similar at home, for "bringing shame on the family". I bet that was the first and last time they told their parents anything.

If you do this, especially if it's only the first time, he is less likely to tell you about future detentions. My school required a parent's signature on a detention form, and I used to forge my mum's signature, so that I wouldn't have to tell her about them (she was a teacher herself, and very invested in my homework); I invented a reason why I was back late. I'm not proud of doing this, and I did get into more trouble when it was found out, but it was one reason of many why I got into a spiral of lying about things that happened at school, and not telling her things, because I was afraid of her reaction. I used to not do homework, because I'd be roasted for getting less than good marks, so I'd pretend it wasn't set; and yes, I got into big trouble for this.

So if they push another child over deliberately or refuse to load the dishwasher when asked, nothing happens?

No punishment happens.

I'd have a chat with him since it's his first detention (and it's May so clearly not a pattern of bad behaviour) and that's it.

I wouldn't punish him again when it's his first detention and almost the end of the school year.

Parents ultimately need to try to modify their children’s behaviour. School can’t manage on their own.

I wouldn’t punish further but I would have a strong discussion about your behavioural expectations of them at school. If it happened repeatedly, I would ask for a 3 way meeting with the school where you could all agree on what was expected and how home and school would work together to make sure of better behaviour.

If parents don’t seem to care about detentions, they cease to be much of a punishment. Most pupils don’t really care about being sat in a classroom for 30 minutes after school (or even an hour).

I think it would probably depend on what the detention was for. My dc get a reward (spending money they can use on a trip into town) for no negative behaviour points or no detentions each half term. So the punishment for a detention would be losing that £40 shopping trip money. That is certainly enough that dd will begrudgingly unroll her skirt when we remind her she could get a detention.

But if the detention was for something like bullying another child, especially online, I would take their phone away and take them out of any group chats, etc. and they would generally have quite restricted phone privileges for awhile.

If the reason was quite serious, I think I would give some consideration to what the correct repercussions would be. My dc definitely don’t get detentions regularly. In fact, I think maybe dd has only ever had 1 actual detention, so I would take it quite seriously but it would be a bit context dependent. That one detention, for example, was for a situation where I think dd actually probably did the right thing to help a friend, but she should have gotten advice and support from staff and done what they told her to do. So we did talk through at home better ways to handle it if something similar happens again.

Disruptive behaviour in one of the academy schools could be some extremely minor and natural behaviour for many children like taking your eyes of the teacher,looking at the clock, fidgeting or dropping a pen.
Please do not punish him again. Actually I don't think there is ever any need for a parent to punish a child for getting a detention. The punishment is the detention!

Aw bless, we can’t possibly teach them that poor choices have consequences. I bet your kids are foul. I’ve taught lots of kids whose parents are like this. Normally the parents are pretty foul too.

I don't either.
My children are now grown up very responsible adults with professional jobs and families of their own. They are also very kind, empathetic people
Punishment only teaches children to lie. It doesn't teach them to be responsible, kind, caring people.
No punishment doesn't mean getting away with wrong doing

Not at all.

No, I do teach poor choices have consequences. I just don’t create extra nasty consequences (aka punishments) to heap on top.

My DCs are adults now. They were lovely children and are lovely adults.

All you have done is make baseless assumptions about the parenting of children you have taught.

You should be made aware that there is a high correlation between child victims of DV being disruptive in school and juvenile delinquency.

Disruptive behaviour in school by children is often a cry for help, or a sign of sensory overwhelm/not coping well.

I’m always say, what happens at school re detentions etc stays at school. I might talk to dc about why and what they can do next time. But I feel like they’ve already had the punishment so why go on and punish at home?

I would just warn him that if he gets detention again then there will be a consequence. If it becomes a regular occurrence then he loses phone privileges/is grounded (whatever you do) until he no longer gets detention.

The posters saying they have never "punished" are simply playing on words, I've met parents who would swear on their life they don't punish - they do, they just call it something else. So just ignore it.

OP, you know your child, if you feel some stern words expressing your disappointment will do the job then try that. But warn him very clearly that anymore disruptive behaviour is going to result in consequences at home. Teachers need us to support them.