Consequence at home for school detention?

[FlippityFloppityFlump]

My DS is in year 7 and has today had a detention for disruptive behaviour in a lesson. It's his first one at high school.

I'm wondering whether other parents give a consequence at home when there has been detention at school? If it was for uniform or something i probably wouldn't but because it is disrupting a lesson (they get chance choice and then consequence) it obviously continued.

Would you give consequence in these circumstances? Would it being the first time make a difference to you.

I want him to know we support the school and his behaviour isn't acceptable but don't know whether double consequence is right way to go this time. Or a whether to support the school by talking to him.

If it makes any difference, I pre-empt he may not take responsibility and it will tell me it's someone else's fault 🙄

Nope... don't do it

Well that's silly. What does happen? How do you encourage the behaviours you do want to see?

No. I always tell my kids, don’t be afraid to tell me if you got into trouble in school. They have been punished, it doesn’t need to happen again. I suppose I’d be interested in why they are being disruptive, were they unhappy, did something trigger it. Was it a small thing or a big thing. I’d ask whether they thought the punishment was fair and if they were upset about it. I’d want to know whether there was a problem brewing here basically. Schools don’t have time for this type of check-in so this chat is definitely on the parents to do. Not some reactive punishment that doesn’t address a core issue.

Woah. This reminds ne of why I hated teachers so much. Uptight, petty and vindictive.

Certainly not. A detention is the punishment, or rather, it's supposed to be a deterrent.

Instead, I'd ask what it is about school that makes your child want to disrupt a lesson, or rather, what it is he was doing and why (as it's highly unlikely he set out to disrupt it on purpose).

The answer is likely to be the startlingly obvious – that school is boring, stifling and distressing – but your showing interest , concern and care for your child might help him become more able to self-regulate.

I was told by the child mental health team that if a child has been in trouble at school then leave it at school. They said it can cause friction at home and if the child was to be badly behaved at home or as they put it making wrong choices then would school punish them ? No they wouldn't. It can affect the relationship with parents if they are punished twice.
However, in my opinion school should be supported and I would speak to them about expectations

As an ex teacher, I found that quite a few children had disruptive phases. Those whose parents supported and worked with the school tended to grow out of the phase very quickly whereas those whose parents thought it was just for the school to deal with could become problematic.

Generally a disappointed chat from a parent is enough, but a joint meeting with the school where the pupil, parents and staff are present is a good next step is a pupil continues being disruptive, with clearly agreed sanctions in both school and home.

(For those rather precious parents who insist that they don’t punish, taking away a phone at night or enforcing a bed time can be thought of as support measures).

But lesson disruption is serious. It damages life chances of other pupils if it is persistent, and those it damages most are those who are wholly dependent on school for their education, the least privileged.

No. Home needs to be a safe space and to be honest schools hand out detentions like smarties. You punish at home he ends up in a constant state of punishment. Nothing wrong with talking to him about it though, but this is just the beginning believe me- the detentions seem to be given out for really minor things that could be dealt with in class.

Or just needing to teach 30 children. Bad behaviour means that person isn’t listening to instructions or learning and preventing others around them from learning or understanding.

Generally parents who add in a consequence at home for poor behaviour at school have better behaved DC.

I would love to see the evidence for this. There literally isn’t any.

Don't do it, this can easily turn into a downward spiral of your relationship with DS... speaking from experience.

Purely anecdotal from 20 years teaching. Parents who support school, especially with consequences/punishment (whatever you want to call it) have better behaved DC.

No, not at all. Sometimes it backfires massively.

I'm all for talking/ discussing the offending behaviour and telling them why it's wrong. But why should DC be punished twice?

I think this would be a really interesting AMA, I suppose for some things I was like you. But when the oldest raged at his computer games in the middle of the night for example I would unplug the router. So other people could get some sleep, is that punishment or natural consequences, because when the behaviour affects other people (like @FlippityFloppityFlump son in the OP) why should the others suffer the consequence while the child is doing whatever they want?

Not a consequence, no. Why should there be double consequences? But a serious conversation yes, and a - is there anything I can do to support you / uou can do to change things- talk (i.e. exploring why he might be misbehaving).

It would depend on the reasons for the detention and my child's response. If they are reflective and admit they were in the wrong, a simple conversation about doing better might be enough. If it was repeated poor behaviour and they hadn't resolved it then yes further sanctions.

I'm a teacher and I tend to be lenient with students for first offences or clearly accidental misdemeanours e.g. forgot homework but normally very good, was talking in class but engaged an cooperative for most of the lesson etc. I tend to only resort to sanctions for multiple offenses so kids that never do homework or still don't bring it in when I've given extensions etc. I do know teachers who are far too trigger happy with sanctions. In the workplace I would expect some grace for my mistakes but would also fully accept the consequences of my actions.

I’m really surprised at the number of people who say one punishment is enough and am starting to understand why behaviour in schools has deteriorated.

Surely at the very least parents make it very clear that the behaviour is not acceptable and don’t just ignore it?

When I grew up I always had the sense that my education was a partnership between school and home and tried to replicate that for my kids but seems like I’m weird for that.

I think the idea of punishing twice is wrong, but pupils need to know that getting sanctioned at school is also disappointing to their parents.

But there is nuance to this. Things like lack of homework and dress code violations do need dealing with, but don’t affect other pupils, so can be dealt with differently to lateness (which is disruptive) and, especially, bad behaviour.

And, again, all pupils can behave badly occasionally; they are teenagers after all. The issue is the handful of pupils who are persistently in detention.

It is very hard for schools to break this cycle without parental support.

If the kids are playing up at school, being late, missing lessons, how is detention or excluding a punishment!

I would absolutely give a consequence at home for this, too... but then I'm a teacher!

It depends on the reasons and circumstances for the detention. In this exact scenario there would absolutely also be a consequence at home.

Exactly! My very clever or stupid DS used this to get out of certain lessons!
But school was never interested in that aspect of their punishment scheme. Or that I, as a parent spend hours at home filling in the gaps created by removing DC from the classroom.

Maybe smaller class sizes, better training for teachers and less beaucracy is the answer. But that costs money....

Yes we would definitely set a consequence at home .No phone or given chores. They would know I would be really disappointed and cross.

I don't need better training tbh. I need kids that can behave. The majority of poor behaviour in school is choice based behaviour. There are some cases of overwhelm and dysregulation, however the majority is a choice. Low level repeated disruption needs a consequence at school and home.

Reading this has been eye opening too re parents that don't have any consequences at home for poor behaviour. No wonder overall behaviour is worse.