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Original poster

To what point do I stop my DS liking ‘girly’ things to stop bullying?

91 replies

idontknow54789 · 27/04/2025 22:15

My DS4 is in reception, he’s a lovely boy and loves everything from Barbie’s, superheroes, Paw Patrol etc. he really doesn’t see anything as ‘for boys’ or ‘for girls’. He’s starting to get quite bullied at school though, he insisted on wearing his unicorn pyjamas on the pyjama day for example and the other boys in his class are starting to be very mean to him. He needed a new water bottle tonight and I let him choose one from Amazon - he chose a pink Hello Kitty bottle. DH is saying we should give him another for school and tell him this is a special one just for home. I’m a bit torn - I don’t want him to get bullied but equally he loves these things. At what point do you try and verge away from these things to prevent bullying?

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 27/04/2025 22:17

If you allow him to dress as a girl then he is going to attract attention

The solution is simple isn’t it?

Morningsleepin · 27/04/2025 22:18

Talk to the teachers or change his school. Bullying is to do with the bullies, not the victim. My dgd's best friend is like your son and has never been bullied for it

Original poster
idontknow54789 · 27/04/2025 22:19

When did I say I let him dress like a girl? His unicorn pyjamas are blue if that makes a difference?

OP posts:
MagicStarMama · 27/04/2025 22:19

You’re giving a four year old too much control.

Eggsinthewhoopsiebasketalready · 27/04/2025 22:21

My ds 10 loves bright pink. He is the coolest dc in his primary school..
He is shows interest in girls. Liking pink doesn't make you gay or trans..
Oddly my ds 25 who is gay didn't like pink any more than any other colour
.
Leave him be.

ThisIsItNowOrNever · 27/04/2025 22:21

You need to be pragmatic. Many children can be as ruthless as proper grown individuals and your DS is too little to understand all nuances of modern world heteropatriarchal imposed constraints.
Come up with a story for your son to leave the "girly" toys at home and let sleeping dogs lie.

MysteriousFalafel · 27/04/2025 22:22

My DS likes a wide range of things including sparkly rainbow bits and bobs and also had a unicorn water bottle. He did get some comments at school but I had lots of chats with him about not being worried to like what he likes, and I also spoke to school and they did quite a bit of work on accepting differences and being kind and it’s much improved now. It did take some work from us to help him keep the confidence levels going to wear different things but I always said to him he could choose something else as long as was happy with it. If the sparkly rainbow t shirt is what makes you happy then you shouldn’t wear something black!!

WinterFoxes · 27/04/2025 22:23

I'd explain to him that lots of people think some things are for girls and some for boys. He doesn't have to think that but he needs to know they might tease or bully him, so he can decide:

Would he like to take his Hello Kitty water bottle to school and get help from you on how to feel 100 % confident in his taste and how to handle the bullying?

Or would he prefer to get some things to use at school so he blends in and doesn't get picked on. He can still have his favourite stuff at home.

Let him know either choice is fine. Some people prefer to fit in and some are happy to stand out.

Notknots · 27/04/2025 22:23

Like you said you don't want him to get bullied and a 4 year old doesn't have the emotional capacity to understand the consequences of his choices and/or stand up for himself.
You need to protect him from himself for his own sake.

Nothing wrong with having hello kitty drink bottle and unicorn pajamas for at home and something more mainstream at school.

Think of it as an extension of the school uniform.
Some schools have school-issued accessories to avoid these types of situations.

Original poster
idontknow54789 · 27/04/2025 22:23

Eggsinthewhoopsiebasketalready · 27/04/2025 22:21

My ds 10 loves bright pink. He is the coolest dc in his primary school..
He is shows interest in girls. Liking pink doesn't make you gay or trans..
Oddly my ds 25 who is gay didn't like pink any more than any other colour
.
Leave him be.

I’m absolutely NOT saying my DS is trans - he’s very much a boy. But he loves Hello Kitty - this doesn’t make him a girl!

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 27/04/2025 22:24

Watch that Tweenies episode about it being OK to like pink.His class teacher should be telling the class there's no such thing as girl colours/pictures/toys.

WinterFoxes · 27/04/2025 22:25

Fwiw, DS went through a fairy rainbow phase at school and was puzzled when he was mocked. But he's naturally very non- conformist so kept taking girly things to school. Then he went through an army phase.

Radionowhere · 27/04/2025 22:26

My DD was very much like this in reverse, preferred boys clothes and toys. Feel for you OP, there isn't the same judgement on girls.

Seventree · 27/04/2025 22:26

Why shouldn't he wear unicorn pyjamas or have a pink water bottle? Neither are linked in any way to his gender. You can be a boy who likes pink or a girl obsessed with monster trucks... it doesn't matter and isn't an excuse for bullying.

Speak to the school and make sure they are putting all the right things in place to prevent bullying. Don't force your son to follow pointless gender norms, it's the adults around him that are responsible for putting a stop to the bullies' behaviour, not his.

MintTwirl · 27/04/2025 22:27

Let him use what he likes, speak to the teacher about the bullying issue. Boys liking pink or unicorns or Barbie isn’t that unusual.
One of my ds loved pink for years, played on a rugby team and was the only one with a bright pink bottle(made it way for him to spot amongst the blue and black ones), he had dolls and prams and car seats for them. Let him be who he is.

Original poster
idontknow54789 · 27/04/2025 22:29

Seventree · 27/04/2025 22:26

Why shouldn't he wear unicorn pyjamas or have a pink water bottle? Neither are linked in any way to his gender. You can be a boy who likes pink or a girl obsessed with monster trucks... it doesn't matter and isn't an excuse for bullying.

Speak to the school and make sure they are putting all the right things in place to prevent bullying. Don't force your son to follow pointless gender norms, it's the adults around him that are responsible for putting a stop to the bullies' behaviour, not his.

Thanks - I completely agree with you. He’s so innocent it wouldn’t cross his mind other people might not agree with him.

OP posts:
PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 27/04/2025 22:31

My dd got some taunting in school at around 5 because she lives in clothes and shoes from the boys section, plays rugby and football, loves dinosaurs etc.

The girls picked on her a bit because she wasn't 'girly' and the boys because she was a girl in 'boys' stuff.

I gave dd some phrases to say if a kid said anything to her, and I had a word with the teacher who did some work on stereotypes with the class.

Now she's 10, still lives in 'boys' clothes, but is just unapologetically herself and very popular with boys and girls.

Just support him, he will either still love what he loves now, or he will grow out of it and into something else, either way he will remember your support.

Hunstanton · 27/04/2025 22:33

Like another poster has said, I’d be making some decisions on his behalf rather than leaving him in control. And by that i mean I’d tell him what pyjamas he can wear on no uniform day (and go with something neutral) and what water bottle he take take (same neutral again).
This is just simply to protect him from the bullies.

maureenponderosa · 27/04/2025 22:34

WinterFoxes · 27/04/2025 22:23

I'd explain to him that lots of people think some things are for girls and some for boys. He doesn't have to think that but he needs to know they might tease or bully him, so he can decide:

Would he like to take his Hello Kitty water bottle to school and get help from you on how to feel 100 % confident in his taste and how to handle the bullying?

Or would he prefer to get some things to use at school so he blends in and doesn't get picked on. He can still have his favourite stuff at home.

Let him know either choice is fine. Some people prefer to fit in and some are happy to stand out.

My son is the same. He likes dinosaurs, cars, pink and unicorns.
I wanted to protect him from potential unkind reactions at first.

We ended up having the same conversation. He knows some people have fixed ideas about what girls and boys should like. He knows these ideas are made up and he has the freedom to not go along with those ideas.

He has choices. Like WinterFoxes says, he can stand out or fit in.

He has chosen to stand strong and be true to his interests. He has a pink water bottle at school. He has a pink hoodie that he wears to class parties. I bought my husband a matching pink hoodie to show my boy that pink is for anyone who likes it.
We've also done a lot of role play for how to respond.

It's not our job to shield our children from all discomfort, even though we want to. It is our job to equip them with the skills to face and process discomfort, and it is our job to be there for them loving them for exactly who they are.

Original poster
idontknow54789 · 27/04/2025 22:36

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 27/04/2025 22:31

My dd got some taunting in school at around 5 because she lives in clothes and shoes from the boys section, plays rugby and football, loves dinosaurs etc.

The girls picked on her a bit because she wasn't 'girly' and the boys because she was a girl in 'boys' stuff.

I gave dd some phrases to say if a kid said anything to her, and I had a word with the teacher who did some work on stereotypes with the class.

Now she's 10, still lives in 'boys' clothes, but is just unapologetically herself and very popular with boys and girls.

Just support him, he will either still love what he loves now, or he will grow out of it and into something else, either way he will remember your support.

Thanks - that’s good to hear. The girls in his class are also very ‘anti boy’ (Reception is brutal!).He’s fairly resilient just because he has an older brother who although liked more ‘girly’ things at that age is very anti pink now - and DS4 sticks up for his favourite things around him.

OP posts:
CuriousGeorge80 · 27/04/2025 22:37

Quitelikeit · 27/04/2025 22:17

If you allow him to dress as a girl then he is going to attract attention

The solution is simple isn’t it?

Spoken by the parent of a bully.

GreenTurtles3 · 27/04/2025 22:37

You are basically making him stand out, putting a target on his back so to speak. Let him be who he is, like what he likes but at 4 you have a duty to protect him as he is too young to make informed decisions which will affect how others perceive him. Sorry to be blunt.

Original poster
idontknow54789 · 27/04/2025 22:38

maureenponderosa · 27/04/2025 22:34

My son is the same. He likes dinosaurs, cars, pink and unicorns.
I wanted to protect him from potential unkind reactions at first.

We ended up having the same conversation. He knows some people have fixed ideas about what girls and boys should like. He knows these ideas are made up and he has the freedom to not go along with those ideas.

He has choices. Like WinterFoxes says, he can stand out or fit in.

He has chosen to stand strong and be true to his interests. He has a pink water bottle at school. He has a pink hoodie that he wears to class parties. I bought my husband a matching pink hoodie to show my boy that pink is for anyone who likes it.
We've also done a lot of role play for how to respond.

It's not our job to shield our children from all discomfort, even though we want to. It is our job to equip them with the skills to face and process discomfort, and it is our job to be there for them loving them for exactly who they are.

Show quote history

Thanks I love this - great idea to get DH to demonstrate the same.

OP posts:
Newmum738 · 27/04/2025 22:38

Speak to the school. It’s a culture issue. They need to sort out their culture and stop bullying.

OppsUpsSide · 27/04/2025 22:38

He’s so innocent it wouldn’t cross his mind other people might not agree with him.

so have you thought about letting him know in advance that some people might think it is ‘girly’ and comment, even be unkind, and asking what he thinks and if he would be ok with that? That’s what I used to do when my DC would want to do/wear something that I knew would make them subject to responses from others that they might find upsetting. Best pre-warned. Sometimes they changed their minds and sometimes they didn’t but they were at least prepared.