To what point do I stop my DS liking ‘girly’ things to stop bullying?

[idontknow54789]

My DS4 is in reception, he’s a lovely boy and loves everything from Barbie’s, superheroes, Paw Patrol etc. he really doesn’t see anything as ‘for boys’ or ‘for girls’. He’s starting to get quite bullied at school though, he insisted on wearing his unicorn pyjamas on the pyjama day for example and the other boys in his class are starting to be very mean to him. He needed a new water bottle tonight and I let him choose one from Amazon - he chose a pink Hello Kitty bottle. DH is saying we should give him another for school and tell him this is a special one just for home. I’m a bit torn - I don’t want him to get bullied but equally he loves these things. At what point do you try and verge away from these things to prevent bullying?

Pink is ok for boys now. Both my straight young adult sons wear pink. I admit the first time I was a bit ‘pink?’ but they told me it doesn’t matter these days. Anyway OP’s son’s pj’s are blue.

I can guarantee you that at least half of the boys doing the bullying are acting this way because they themselves are not allowed to have/do the stuff they want because it’s “too girly”.

You have an excellent opportunity to explain to your child that some people are just little shits. He can choose to limit himself if he wants but even if it will make these people to be less shitty to him, they will still be little shits inside. The bullying is not about him and not about his pjs or water bottle, it’s about the bullies and their own problems (probably including having parents like a lot of the posters on this thread with either homofobic or completely wet blanket ideas about parenting.)

This was my approach when my ds went through this stage. I was torn a lot of the time because why shouldn't boys wear pink and sparkles? But I did it to protect him from comments.
Now that he's old enough (9) to understand more we just talk about stuff. My ds no longer likes pink and sparkly stuff but he has got long hair. People regularly mistake him for a girl but he just shrugs it off and he doesn't get any bullying at school.

I’m glad I wasn’t the only one thinking that.

Don’t teach your child to change who they are and what they like to appease bullies, much better to teach them some phrases to say if they get teased and go from there. Other kids are cruel and the sooner your DS can learn resilience the better.

You don't. You teach him techniques to deal with the bullies.

DS is 9. Wears what the hell he wants. Wore an Elsa dress to school when he was about 6 and when a kid questioned it he just said "I like what I like, got a problem with it?". Since then he's has a few comments on his peculiar dress sense and interests but a quick "urgh, you're so boring don't you have anything better to about" or "BORING" when called gay has really nipped it in the bud and he's now a popular and confident kid known for his quirky dress sense.

Your son doesn't need to conform to stop bullying - the bullies will just find something else. He needs to gain the confusion to let the bullies know he doesn't care what they think. No reaction means the bullies quickly move on.

The problem is with the school not with your son - he should wear whatever he likes and have whatever water bottle he likes.
There is nothing wrong or shameful about being a girl or liking things associated with being a girl - no one would say you should stop your daughter wearing dinosaur pyjamas or having a Spiderman water bottle or that you should make sure she conforms to gender norms to avoid bullies.

I actually don't agree with that, she is letting him be himself. Because other people stick to strict gender divides is leading to this rise of supposedly "trans kids" which I don't think actually exists. Pink and unicorns aren't sex specific!

My daughter was mocked last week for wearing school shorts. Not that it should matter but they were from the ‘girl section’. The boy mocking her said that she was wearing boy shorts and said she looked like a boy. dd was quite put out by this and told me about it. I said the boy was quite silly, anyone can wear shorts and not to worry about it. Dd has long hair and an aversion to dresses at the moment.

anyone can have unicorn pyjamas and a pink water bottle too. I think it’s madness people telling you that your 4 year old DS shouldn’t take them into school as if he’s the problem not the kids bullying him about them. I would speak to the teacher about how he’s been mocked for his water bottle and pyjamas and ask her/him to speak to the class.

Haha - what?? Letting a four year old choose which water bottle they like is absolutely, in no way shape or form, "too much control". 😅

Absolute best reply!! 😂😂

I wouldn't tell him to have something he didn't like 'just for school'. That could lead people to think they should have to hide their personality in certain circumstances.
If people are non conformist then they will get picked out by their peers, especially at a young age. There's nothing wrong with that. Be different, and stand by your decisions.

If someone bullies others because they don't like the same things or don't understand them then it's them that will be at a disadvantage later in life. But most kids change and learn it matters not much what coloured water bottle someone uses.

I think it puts men and boys to as much of a disadvantage as women and girls if we force them into a narrow box.

If your son was being bullied for any other reason would you hesitate to sort out the bullies? The only reason you are thinking of policing your son instead is because society is telling you his behaviour and choices are unacceptable. He isn’t the one being unkind, he is behaving correctly but being judged for his clothes!?

There is a lot of hysteria at the moment about this sort of thing. How can we as women demand the opportunity to do jobs and activities previously deemed male if we can’t allow our sons to have the opportunity to be more expressive or to understand emotions? (We always hear about how men have poor mental health because they can’t open up about how they feel)

I hope the school sorts it and your son doesn’t get bullied anymore.

I have two boys age 9 and 6, they have pink/ brightly coloured clothes, pink water bottles they use at school etc. We're also outer London and I don't quite agree with the "kids are cruel" stance people have mentioned on this thread- I think loads of kids couldn't care less and are much more accepting than adults. They've had no problems and are both popular in their respective classes. We have had the conversation that gender stereotyping exists and it's very silly etc- they are confident in their choices.

I can't believe some of the responses here. The problem is your school and bullies, not your son. Why should he have to change who he is and what he likes? Eff them!

My son had light up sparkly rainbow trainers that were his pride and joy. A woman came up to me in the playground and offered me her son's old clothes if my son was having to wear his sister's stuff. I told her he chose those shoes himself and he loved them. I still regret not telling her to fuck off.

So, kids bully your child by telling him it’s wrong for a boy to like Hello Kitty and unicorns, and your proposed solution is to stop him choosing those things? So, basically you’ll be giving him the message that the bullies were right, and that he should hide away his true personality because it’s something to be ashamed of.

Good grief. Poor kid.

I used to get nasty comments when I was little because I liked a lot of ‘boy’ things. I preferred Action Man to Barbie. I liked superheroes, football, pirates, cowboys, fighting with plastic swords, James Bond and horror. I got teased all the time. I am so, so glad my parents just let me like the things I liked. I liked some ‘girl’ things too, I never wanted to be a boy, and I’m not gay. But my parents letting me be me, and not reinforcing guilt/shame/bullying by trying to make me into someone else, was absolutely the best thing they could have done and I’m a better, happier and more resilient adult because of it.

Kids are different now. Attitudes are different. You don't need to worry about your kid liking barbies, pink, rainbow clothes or typically "girly" things. What you need to do instead is give him confidence in his choices so he can stare down any teasing. Bullies may try their luck, but it's not really differences that attract bullies, it's vulnerability.

There's no manual for "bully-proofing" a child, but imo an excellent way to help with this is spending lots of time hanging out in playgrounds after school and at the weekend. Kids are constantly meeting new kids and striking new friendships in playgrounds, learning to read the room, obey the unwritten "rules" but stand up for themselves when necessary. I know this is off point, but there is no better social education for young kids than hanging out in playgrounds.

I do think it's a difficult path to tread as I completely agree that there should be zero barrier to boys liking pink, sparkles, unicorns etc.

I've absolutely never told my elder DS that he can't do/wear/have something because it's "for girls" but I have subtly steered him away from things which might make him an obvious target for bullying as he's not a very resilient child and is also at risk being targeted for bullying for other reasons. It's trying to get the balance between the principle and the reality.

So when he was really into My Little Pony aged 8 he got books and cuddly toys etc (which generally stayed at home) but not clothing or backpacks. He had no idea I was guiding that, as far as he was concerned his interest in My Little Pony was thoroughly indulged.

My younger DS by contrast is much more resilient and will defend his choices so I have much less concern about him being a trailblazer for equality - he's now 8 himself and will happily rock a pink sparkly t-shirt with confidence.

Unicorn pyjamas are not girls pyjamas. That’s the only clothing item she’d mentioned.

This is great advice. I put my boys in pink regularly and buy colorful prints and clothes where I can find them- boden have been pretty good for this. I don’t buy them actual girly clothes - mermaids and frills etc , although there are flowers on the Hawaiian shirts and I’ve had some success with flowery shorts too- green and pink floral and pink and blue floral. They are not girly boys at all really but quite like the bright colours and patterns and I think it’s important for them to know they can wear all that.

While I agree that the problem is the bullies I do think some of the replies are hopelessly naive and put me in mind of that mum from About a Boy. I’m personally not going to let my kids be sacrificial lambs for my own ideals; sorry and all.

I have a long haired, pink wearing preteen and although he is often misgendered he's never been bullied.

Sure but as a preteen he’s able to understand and to know the choices he’s making could lead to other people’s stupid prejudices and deal with that accordingly. A reception age child isn’t.

He was a long haired, unicorn loving 4 year old once too!

Right and while it’s really good he’s never been bullied, that’s not the case here.

Bullying needs dealing with but it has to happen for it to be dealt with. And honestly, I would prefer my children to not be bullied. I know other people have stupid prejudices. But changing those is going to be a long societal shift. And some schools are absolutely savage.