To what point do I stop my DS liking ‘girly’ things to stop bullying?

[idontknow54789]

My DS4 is in reception, he’s a lovely boy and loves everything from Barbie’s, superheroes, Paw Patrol etc. he really doesn’t see anything as ‘for boys’ or ‘for girls’. He’s starting to get quite bullied at school though, he insisted on wearing his unicorn pyjamas on the pyjama day for example and the other boys in his class are starting to be very mean to him. He needed a new water bottle tonight and I let him choose one from Amazon - he chose a pink Hello Kitty bottle. DH is saying we should give him another for school and tell him this is a special one just for home. I’m a bit torn - I don’t want him to get bullied but equally he loves these things. At what point do you try and verge away from these things to prevent bullying?

Allowing him to choose his own clothes and water bottle?! This is normal.

I agree with talking to the teacher about what is happening.

I’m really shocked at the responses. Speak to his teacher and tell them about the bullying, and see if they can’t also encourage messages of “there aren’t boys things or girls things”.

Neither you or he have done anything wrong - he should be able to wear and play with what he likes, and school should be supportive if he isn’t able to.

It’s not about your own ideals though - it’s standing up to let your child be themselves and not have to conform to other people’s ideas, surely?

It's not our job to shield our children from all discomfort, even though we want to. It is our job to equip them with the skills to face and process discomfort, and it is our job to be there for them loving them for exactly who they are.

I love this!

The fact that there are SO many people posting about their sons liking pink, unicorns etc shows how stupid these stereotypes are. Children gravitate to what is colourful and joyful. It's hardly surprising that so many little boys opt for unicorn pyjamas when the boys sections in the supermarket are full of drab khaki, grey, black and navy.

My son is 11 and still craves colour....

My 4 year old daughter loves wearing her older brother's digger / dino clothes and no-one bats an eyelid / if they did it would be seen as cool. Such double standards (in this and so many other things).

Things are going backwards if we are accepting that there are girls toys and boys toys and it is so shameful to be associated with girls that we have to protect our boys from it.
Even 10 or 15 years ago it was much more acceptable for little boys to love Elsa or dress up as princesses at nursery.

One of my DC's classmate used to like pink, unicorns, tutuskirts and things usually attributed to girls up till the start of Yr3. He has now k9ved to more "typical" boy stuff but my DC never thought anything strange of that. It was more like "Bill likes unicorns" shrug the shoulders, no issues.

My son now is 32 and gay. I wouldn't have him any other way. From a very early age he was more interested in none boyish( stero type) things. He took over the play kitchen and dolls pram given to my daughter one Xmas, she had no interest in it, he begged me for cerise sandals at 4 but his dad would not entertain it.
He was surrounded by girls at school by choice and was is very artistic. It is a difficult world for kids the bullying really stems from the attitudes of their parents. My son wasn't bulied as much as excluded by other boys. But they had nothing in common. I had a few arguments with school trying to make him fit into a male role but it all worked out in the end.
You are lucky that your partner sounds sensible my ex was a complete KNOB. My son is not close to him at all.

Obviously report the bullying, that's not great but your DH has a point. You know what kids are like. Why invite it? There's also no reason for him to be choosing his own water bottle? Just get him one of the school ones problem solved then everyone is the same.

If you don’t want him to be bullied, don’t let him go to school with girly things. Very simple. And introduce more boy oriented toys / play as it sounds like you’ve enabled the girly toys / play too much.

It is a hard one - one wants to avoids one's child being bullied but also, if I were in OP's shoes, I would hate to be risking transmitting an idea that the feminine is somehow 'shameful' and that you should change to avoid that shame attaching to you.

It's still such a massive taboo for boys and men - as people have said, there is a double standard that no one minds when girls like 'boyish' things. I was one such girl and all though people commented on it, it was with curiosity rather than mockery on the the whole - because it wasn't seen as 'shameful' while the converse was and sadly still is too much of the time.

I think the best suggestion is, as some PPs have suggested, talk to him about the sad reality that some children will be horrible about it, that they shouldn't be like that, but he may want to choose how much he exposes himself to that. May also be worth having a word with school about it to talk about it and discourage bullying behaviour around it.

I hate the idea of kids having to conform to fit in so they won't be bullied. Children should be allowed to take an interest in whatever they like. My nephew is a teenager who likes chess and ballroom dancing and hes he's brilliant at both. He gets picked on but he's so confident he doesn't care because his parents supported him rather than trying to steer him towards more conventional hobbies. I'm trying to do the same with my own son. He has some unusual interests and I learn more about them with him. Yes other kids can be mean to him but a bully will always find something to pick on anyway.

He isn’t dressing as a girl because the concept of what that is is completely led by society. Right now he is dressing how he likes - so much that is going on is because we have a concept of what is a girl and what is a boy (and pink and blue used to be the other way round)

follow his lead but be sensible with it

It’s a pity he can’t just have the stuff without comment. There were more little boys who did that at dd’s school and I think it was fine for them.

this
essentially it's the 'bring your whole self to work' thing
realistically very few people actually do.
if I was being '100% realistically me,' I'd wear a heavy metal t shirt and joggers every day, but in a professional work capacity I wear smart clothes. It doesn't mean I hide my true self, if anyone asked me what music I like I'd be happy to tell them, but we don't have to display all our interests all the time.

It's fine for him to like anything he likes but AT FOUR he won't understand the whole gender stereotypes talk. Just tell him you don't want him to lose his favourite hello kitty water bottle so you'll get a plain blue/green/red one for school and keep his best one at home.

If it's bring a toy to school day and he loves paw patrol and superheroes as much as barbies then just make sure he takes one of those. It would be different if he didn't like the "boy" things at all, but as he does you're just helping him choose which options are the best choice for which particular circumstance, which is a good life skill anyway.

If when he's a bit older he's got the confidence to say what he likes then go for it, but at four I'd just be trying to make everyone's life as easy as possible.

Excellent response!!!!