To what point do I stop my DS liking ‘girly’ things to stop bullying?

[idontknow54789]

My DS4 is in reception, he’s a lovely boy and loves everything from Barbie’s, superheroes, Paw Patrol etc. he really doesn’t see anything as ‘for boys’ or ‘for girls’. He’s starting to get quite bullied at school though, he insisted on wearing his unicorn pyjamas on the pyjama day for example and the other boys in his class are starting to be very mean to him. He needed a new water bottle tonight and I let him choose one from Amazon - he chose a pink Hello Kitty bottle. DH is saying we should give him another for school and tell him this is a special one just for home. I’m a bit torn - I don’t want him to get bullied but equally he loves these things. At what point do you try and verge away from these things to prevent bullying?

Yeah this is fair - and is DH’s opinion. I guess the question is to what extent do I stop it.

Why wouldn’t you deal with the bullies instead?

OP I’d speak to the school, bullying needs to be dealt with and the school need to manage this. There’s nothing wrong with anything your DS is wearing/doing and making him change for school is admitting the bullies are right, which they’re not.

What? By choosing pj's and a water bottle? She's not allowing him to take crack or get a mortgage?

I wonder if the attitude of some of the boys come from what they're told at home about certain toys colours etc are for girls.

How is allowing a four year old to choose their own clothes and water bottle giving them too much control?

In an ideal world this would be wnough but kids can be mean and say whatever comes into their heads. Whether these kids are at school, at the park, at clubs, you can't always be there to educate the other side. It's easier at this age to help him to integrate easily without him standing out. Unicorn pyjamas are undoubtedly cute but most people would see these as 'girly'.

https://www.zerotolerance.org.uk/work-early-years/
Some resources here if you do want to talk to the school.

My boys are adults now and they were raised to feel happy with their preferences and not ashamed of them. Bullies will always find something to pick on. I'm a bit dismayed by some of the comments here. It's like going back 40 years in time.

Where are you in the country? You don’t have to answer on the thread but I think this makes a difference to the answers and would be interested to know where the answers above are from

Where I am (South of England) I don’t think your son’s choice of clothes would be an issue at all. One of the most popular boys in my daughter’s class was definitely wearing princess dresses at parties and chose more‘feminine’ styles when he could.
Fast forward to secondary school and he’s not dressing that way anymore but through his choice.

I’d let him be and allow him to decide his clothing and I’d bet he’d start to conform to more typical styles later in the school years. But if he doesn’t, then you’ll have supported his choices and he’ll appreciate that later

We’re in London - zone 4.

I’ve had some of this angst myself with my DS. It’s a tricky one.

The real problem here is the bullying and not a 4yo wanting a Hello Kitty water bottle. You want to be picking this up with the school.

However I have tried to very gently steer choices without ever telling him he can’t wear something or that it is “for girls”. It really annoys me that I feel I have to, because I disagree on principle of the whole idea of “boys stuff” and “girls stuff”.

So I might favourite a few unisex water bottles on Amazon and ask him to choose from that list.

Or if we are in a shop if he picks something I might find an objection that’s not to do with it being “girly” - “oh yes that one’s nice, but maybe not big enough, let’s keep looking”.

My DS is now 10 and still likes “girly” things, though he does self-censor more these days because he’s conscious of standing out. My younger DS is much more of a “boy’s boy” but also likes things that are pink or cute or both - he’s really got the confidence though to reply “and…so what?” to any comments he might get

I actually think the 'veer away from pink' or 'keep the girly stuff at home' is part of the reason we have so many men who want to be 'women'.. they are not allowed to be at the feminine end of the spectrum of 'male' .

Bullying is repeatedly harassing someone or making them feel bad.. and the school should know and step in. Joking is only funny if you are part of it

My DCs school is one of these trendy schools - think boys in dresses and sparkly leggings and Frozen themed parties.
My DS is drawn to girly - cute things, tries to pick the pink or purple thing first etc, I encourage him to go for the ‘boy’ option as it really is a matter of time before he does start getting picked on as he gets older. Although I love how confident he is within himself, I don’t want to actively make him a target. Kids can be the cruelest! I wouldn’t buy him something which is clearly aimed at girls though and never have.

My reception age DD likes “boys” things. She loves dinosaurs, superman and hates pink, ballet and unicorns. Now they are in summer uniform she is wearing shorts rather than gingham. She’s been the only girl in trousers all winter.

I let her have what she likes. At that age it doesn’t matter and I fully expect her to adopt gender based preferences and behaviours as she gets older when society bites.

I’d leave him be @idontknow54789 and see how it goes. I think reception is too young to force conformity (not that I’m sure I’d do it at any age).

I’m anti trans before anyone jumps on me, I don’t believe in any of the gender switching nonsense. But as a feminist I want my DD to think she can be anything, so it should be no different for boys. But I am very clear she is a girl, and so is she.

School need to sort out the bullying. I'd be having a chat with the teacher if you haven't already because it needs to stop.

Teaching a child to bow to bullies and change for them is a bad idea. Let him be himself.

Please speak to the school and get the teacher to explain to these young children that there is no such thing as 'boy' or 'girl' colours or toys. Your child should be able to like what they like and express themselves however they please without bullying. He likes what he likes and there no reason he should compromise on that.

My ds is six and is the same. To my mind, there is nothing more feminine about a unicorn than a dinosaur.

He said once that a character was a girl, because she was portrayed with eyelashes, and I simply pointed out that boys have longer lashes than girls in real life, so you never can tell.

Other kids bullying him at that age is shameful, at any age in fact of course . They will have been told at home that unicorns are for girls only.

The day we as a society stop aiming dinosaurs and spiderman at boys, and cats and unicorns at girls, is the day that children can like what they like without others bringing their "gender" and or sexuality into question. I am grateful to companies such as frugi for trying to provide clothes that buck this trend.

I also completely agreed with this post

Bullies will just choose some other shit if you give him a ‘manly’ water bottle. Help him come up with some good, standard retorts for bullies. If it worsens, see the teacher.

There are even Premier League and other countries’ leading football teams that have pink kits or kits with pink elements. Having said that, this whole “boy likes pink” or “boy likes dresses” stuff is tricky. I say to my son for example - “ it’s interesting, there are pink football kits, but also girls typically wear very pink things, I don’t know why”, and my son doesn’t care about pink, but as you can see I do steer him away from pink. I think people can tolerate differing degrees of “otherness” - some would say “It’s absolutely ok for a boy to wear pink clothes and like Hello Kitty”, and some would not. And in this latter group of people there may be a subgroup of haters of boys wearing pink, and their children would probably tend to be bullies as well. Hard to say what to do - is there a “quitkier” school that he could potentially change for? Or are most children fine, it’s just a couple of bullies? We do have to live with bullies, it’s a sort of a life lesson- my husband and I came up with a phrase that my twins loved when they have to deal with someone who is bullying them somewhat - “No! What nonsense!” You son might just say - Nonsense! Footballers wear pink!

He's only four and should be left alone and be happy with his choices.
It's only toys and jammies.

What a stupid comment. Unicorns aren't dressing like a girl. I think you should let him do what he wants, but explain to him that is why it's happening (even though it's unfair and that other people are stupid! In an age appropriate way of course). Sorry this is happening, it's sad how we all end up having to conform not to stand out.

@MagicStarMama By letting them pick pyjamas and a water bottle?! 😅🫠
You wouldn’t like my parenting then 😂 My 4yo picks all his own clothes in the shops, picks his outfit for the day, picks what we have for dinner about 50% of nights, picks our family activities & picks our holiday destinations 😂😂

@idontknow54789 You deal with the bullies. They have the issue. Your son doesn’t have an issue that needs dealt with. My 4.5yo DS also likes pink and often picks the cute pink fairy item over the blue dinosaur one and has questioned a few times if his things are “girl things” or if it’s ok for him to have them 🤷🏻‍♀️

As with everything, I teach him that it’s fine to like whatever we like and everyone has preferences and gets to make their own choices. I tell him that as long as people are kind, and caring and friendly then it doesn’t matter what things they like to wear or what they have or what they like to play with.

There is a fine line between preventing him from being bullied and crushing his spirit. If you tell him he can't use the hello kitty one at school you are telling him it's not acceptable for a boy to have a pink bottle. You are then reinforcing pathetic gender stereotypes. Let him be a kid. The school needs to deal with it. Your son shouldn't have to change.

So men can’t wear pink shirts, ties or socks nowadays? Used be worn by wealthy men in the city in my youth, and looked quite hot!

This is not allowing him to dress as a girl at all. Why should a little boy not like unicorns and hello kitty? He's still a boy and liking what he likes does not change that.

No wonder we've ended up in such a mess of kids thinking they are the opposite sex because they don't fit the typical mould for their gender.

For what it's worth op, I think you sound like lovely considerate mum.