Utterly miserable since having second child

[casualcrispenjoyer]

I was on the fence but everyone told me it would be easy and they just slot in to your routine- but I have brought an absolute bomb into my happy life.

I absolutely loved being a mother of one. Lots of
time for my own hobbies, lots of couple time, satisfying part time career for family business. Even when my daughter was a newborn, I loved every stage and never found any of it ‘hard’. Breastfed her past 2, co-slept, utterly entangled myself in her yet still had enough to pour into my own cup.

There is nothing to pour any more. I am a husk. I have more help than most but I hate it.

My husband is a very present parent who is at a place in his career which would have other men using ‘big job’ as an excuse to shirk. He does the morning nursery run, gets up with both children, jumps in frequently as part of his work day so I can shower or take 5, finishes at a sensible time. I have a cleaner every week as well, and my daughter goes to pre-school 2.5 days a week. I try and put myself into a good mood when I have both of them alone, but I utterly dread it.

I’m overstimulated by the pair of them. I can’t stand double the noise and double the mess. I hate that I’m fat again and I am absolutely gutted to see ‘my’ responsibilities at work delegated to other people and my CPD put on hold because I am looking after a new baby. I am not a fun mum any more because I spend my time stopping the toddler from hurting the 4 month old. I’m uptight about the cleaning because I want a calm home and to check out at the end of the day, not spend my only free hour before I collapse into bed, cleaning up (yes,
my husband does his bit too). Me and my daughter don’t do the fun things that we used to. Everything is more cumbersome with a little one there.

When she’s at nursery I fantasise about my old life where I would have gone to a barre class and worked from a lovely coffee shop- but then I remember I started again and I have another baby to look after. And I have to pick her up at 3. There is no time for fun and nourishment of myself, it’s just looking after other things. I clockwatch until he finishes work. It’s better when there are two of us, I’m much less down about everything.

I really wasn’t cut out to parent two children. I am too easily frustrated, overstimulated and fundamentally selfish.

I have tried to speak to my friends and they are just suggesting that I have postpartum depression but I generally don’t think I do. I am just finding it all tough and way too much. I relate much more to the shit, disinterested dads I read about on here. They don’t have depression. They just don’t enjoy parenting. I don’t enjoy parenting multiple kids.

I love both my children and feel bonded to them. I definitely don’t see my son as an interloper or a disruptor. I’m not mad at him. I enjoy both my children individually and feel joy when it’s 1:1. I don’t think I am depressed. I’m just not cut out to juggle 2 and perpetually feel hard done by. I’m worried about my marriage because my husband knows how miserable I am but he physically can’t do any more.

Another thing people tell me (well meaningly) is that it will all be worth it and they’ll play together eventually and as much as I hope that this is case- I know from my own experiences and that of others that this is not certain either. I can’t really use the thought of this ‘eventually’ happening as my Hail Mary because hey, it might never happen. And then where will I be.

I am just so sad. I have two lovely children and a lovely husband and all I want to do is run away. I feel so ungrateful and such a failure.

There’s no shame in it, I completely understand. A lot of what you write I felt about just one. Can you afford live in help? If not can you afford a mother’s help, a few hours in the morning even just a couple of times a week to give you a break?

Btw it will get better as they both become more independent and you can start doing 1:1 time with each of them again plus have some me time.

You are in a hard phase, right now when they are so young is the hardest part. It’s true they may not play together later (but they also might do!), but even so they are likely to get easier and more enjoyable to parent as they get older and can do more and more for themselves. At least that is my experience now that I have 9 and 5 y olds.

I can relate to everything you've said. It was like a bomb hitting our lovely lives and interrupting time with my lovely first born (plus new baby had lots of serious health problems and needed heart surgery). It was a very dark time..

They are now 4 and 5 and it IS true what people say, once they get past toddler stage they really do entertain each other and make things easier! As brutal as those first 2 years were, I can't imagine not having my 2nd and it's amazing watching their relationship develop. The 1st born starting school is a big turning point. Hang in there!

Can you get an au pair? Someone to look after the. Any so you have a couple of afternoons to yourself?

I found the stage of child 2 aged under 1 and the older child aged under 3 the hardest. Much much harder than going from 0 - 1. Hang in there. It gets much easier, it really does ♥️

Hang on. It is awful but really, really does get better. You haven’t made a mistake!

Going against the grain here but fuck me OP you have it MADE! I’m glad to see you realise how lucky you are!!!

I have 4 yo (not yet at school) and 20 month old. Due next baby any week now. No nursery for toddler. No cleaner. Husband helps a bit here and there. I’m bloody exhausted. The idea of an exercise class is a pipe dream for me.

I will have 8 weeks this summer with a newborn , a toddler, a preschooler before reception starts mid September. No childcare and no cleaner!!!! Your life sounds lovely to me haha

Thanks for the kind replies.

I honestly have a lot of help and we can’t really outsource any more without cutting back in other ways. We have no funded hours until the September after my daughter turns 3. I only have them both for 2.5 days a week. On preschool days generally I feel more well refreshed from the time apart, and by the time we visit the park it’s time for an hour of Peppa, and then to cook dinner before my husband finishes work.

On non nursery days, I try to see my mum on one of those days so I have double the help, and the cleaner is fantastic and has my toddler daughter follow her around with a cloth most of the time she’s here.

I honestly have so much support. I know there are women who are providing childcare all day and night for 2+ kids without a village and minimal childcare so I feel utterly pathetic. I can’t even enjoy mine 2.5 days a week.

I honestly don’t know what I’m bringing to the table at the moment. My husband really fetishised (for lack of a better word) my last job (I was a teacher - ha ha ha ha) and was so proud of what a good and present mother I was to his friends. I would set up beautiful provision for her and taught her so much already.

Now I just cry and switch on peppa pig. No wonder my daughter is such hard work. She is bored. So am I.

You are a better mother than me 🤷‍♀️

I should have just stuck to 1.

You sound like me, literally down to the barre class, the coffee and the cleaner. (Bloody love a barre class btw!)

I just posted a minute ago saying I feel like I’m getting it all wrong at the moment. I have a 9 month old and a 2.5 year old, and even with an involved husband who does more than his fair share, it’s bloody hard. If it makes you feel better, I defo feel more on top of things now than I did when he was 4 months old.

It’s like anything, it just takes time and it WILL get easier - you’ll get more sleep, more time to yourself, sooner than you think. Unfortunately we just have to get through the hard part first.

Practical tips: Sometimes I put them both in the bath and that usually kills 30 mins or so. Baby in the sling so you can take the toddler outside and hopefully they’ll sleep so you can have 1:1 time. Going to stay and plays / mums groups can also help too, even though they can be absolutely excruciating sometimes. You just have to be the cringe one!

Solidarity - we’ll get through it x

It's just a really full on time...

It's a phase. Trite but true.

(Says one time mother of 3 under 5 who thought she'd never have her life back but is currently enjoying a sneaky g&t, alone, in the early evening sun, while the kids are out with friends and dh is making their dinner)

I felt that way until my youngest was 3! As you described, you feel like a husk of your former self. The thing that helped me the most was actually leaving for 24 hours, going to a hotel, and sleeping! I still do it occasionally. I’m easily overstimulated and having an extended period away, where I can think my own thoughts, is seriously helpful.

I think you are depressed, op.
Why not chat to your GP/HV?
The huge hormone drops after childbirth are really hard, even more so when you have another child at home relying on you, too.
Yes, you do have a lot of help, and yes, I'd have given my right arm for such support BUT this is not a race to the bottom and your feelings are valid.

I had 3 under 4. No help, part time husband, full time job wfh. It felt like I was in the trenches. It does get easier. I just told myself that I had no choice, I made the kids and now I owe them a good life with a mother who at least tries to enjoy them. There's no easy fix, parenting is hard but you get through it. You don't have a choice

I'm sorry you feeling this one, its an unfortunate situation. You cant return a child, so it's a difficult discovery to find out that this isn't for you. Everyone is different and I hear you, for you and your personality, dispite the resources you have, this is your challenge and feels overwhelming and miserable. It may get better in time, as your youngest becomes more independent. But tell then, I would just recommend seeking out mental help. You maybe need to moarn your life you previously had, and allow yourself that space. Before you cqn mentally embrace it. Just do your best, be kind to your children and be kind to yourself.

I'm sorry you feel like this. It's all relative, your "good fortune" is irrelevant if you feel so desperately low.
I agree with a PP that your mood is something you should investigate properly, be kind to yourself and try to imagine a friend telling you this about themselves. What would you say to them?

This is so, so uncalled for and really unkind. The OP is clearly struggling and she knows she has a lot of help. I read your comment and felt so sorry for the OP having to read what you wrote.

I’m honestly not depressed.

I am happy with them 1:1.

i am happy when they are in bed.

i just find juggling the vastly different needs of two kids stressful and overstimulating.

It will get better.

I felt the same, at 4 months by baby would mostly only sleep on me and short naps. Couldn’t do lots of the fun stuff with my daughter as I did before and just felt frustrated and irritable all the time. It got a lot better after 6 months when my baby napped longer on his own and didn’t need to be held all the time.

It'll get better

Look, it's hard work. It really is. None of us are perfect and I think most of us have felt that overwhelming feeling of £%^#@ i can't cope! 🤯

But you will...
You can...
It will get easier
You clearly love them and want to do your best by them.
Acknowledge the difficulty, it's real. Most mums have felt stressed, overwhelmed, burnt out (see username, but for different reasons now) but you love those kids and it will get easier/different. That's the one takeaway i always share. The stresses you have and feel will change over the years of them growing up, but you are a great parent trying to do their best for their precious babies

It is ok you know @casualcrispenjoyer to only enjoy some bits. My two dc really do not enjoy being together, and are much better 1:1. And that’s ok. I didn’t enjoy trying to parent two small people, whereas I love having them one on one.

life isn’t solidly all amazing all the time. Live for the good bits and enjoy those. The juggling will get easier…

I doubt it, she's just trying to bring you down to make herself feel better about the fact she's overstretched herself and has a crappy, unsupportive husband. Take no notice. You can be grateful for the support you have and still be struggling.

It will get better OP. Mine are now 5 and 2.5 and I feel like I am getting a lot of freedoms back in the last few months. I now cycle 3-4 times a week and have evenings to myself as well. Eldest is at school, youngest is at childminders 3 days a week and I work 3 days a week. They play outside while I do stuff inside / cook etc, I can take them places on my own without causing massive disruption 😂 e.g. on the train to our nearest city, or a short flight to see family.