Utterly miserable since having second child

[casualcrispenjoyer]

I was on the fence but everyone told me it would be easy and they just slot in to your routine- but I have brought an absolute bomb into my happy life.

I absolutely loved being a mother of one. Lots of
time for my own hobbies, lots of couple time, satisfying part time career for family business. Even when my daughter was a newborn, I loved every stage and never found any of it ‘hard’. Breastfed her past 2, co-slept, utterly entangled myself in her yet still had enough to pour into my own cup.

There is nothing to pour any more. I am a husk. I have more help than most but I hate it.

My husband is a very present parent who is at a place in his career which would have other men using ‘big job’ as an excuse to shirk. He does the morning nursery run, gets up with both children, jumps in frequently as part of his work day so I can shower or take 5, finishes at a sensible time. I have a cleaner every week as well, and my daughter goes to pre-school 2.5 days a week. I try and put myself into a good mood when I have both of them alone, but I utterly dread it.

I’m overstimulated by the pair of them. I can’t stand double the noise and double the mess. I hate that I’m fat again and I am absolutely gutted to see ‘my’ responsibilities at work delegated to other people and my CPD put on hold because I am looking after a new baby. I am not a fun mum any more because I spend my time stopping the toddler from hurting the 4 month old. I’m uptight about the cleaning because I want a calm home and to check out at the end of the day, not spend my only free hour before I collapse into bed, cleaning up (yes,
my husband does his bit too). Me and my daughter don’t do the fun things that we used to. Everything is more cumbersome with a little one there.

When she’s at nursery I fantasise about my old life where I would have gone to a barre class and worked from a lovely coffee shop- but then I remember I started again and I have another baby to look after. And I have to pick her up at 3. There is no time for fun and nourishment of myself, it’s just looking after other things. I clockwatch until he finishes work. It’s better when there are two of us, I’m much less down about everything.

I really wasn’t cut out to parent two children. I am too easily frustrated, overstimulated and fundamentally selfish.

I have tried to speak to my friends and they are just suggesting that I have postpartum depression but I generally don’t think I do. I am just finding it all tough and way too much. I relate much more to the shit, disinterested dads I read about on here. They don’t have depression. They just don’t enjoy parenting. I don’t enjoy parenting multiple kids.

I love both my children and feel bonded to them. I definitely don’t see my son as an interloper or a disruptor. I’m not mad at him. I enjoy both my children individually and feel joy when it’s 1:1. I don’t think I am depressed. I’m just not cut out to juggle 2 and perpetually feel hard done by. I’m worried about my marriage because my husband knows how miserable I am but he physically can’t do any more.

Another thing people tell me (well meaningly) is that it will all be worth it and they’ll play together eventually and as much as I hope that this is case- I know from my own experiences and that of others that this is not certain either. I can’t really use the thought of this ‘eventually’ happening as my Hail Mary because hey, it might never happen. And then where will I be.

I am just so sad. I have two lovely children and a lovely husband and all I want to do is run away. I feel so ungrateful and such a failure.

he does have the kids on his own as much as possible to be fair. The littlest is breastfed so he’ll have them for 2-3 hours on the morning by himself so I can sleep in. Sometimes
longer on weekends. He doesn’t let them disturb me either, unless the baby seriously needs a feed. he does get how gruelling they are- he just wants me to get over the fact that life is harder. We have two kids and we are back to square one- it’s done. He knows I’m resentful and doesn’t see how my discontent at my new routine can be solved.

we will revisit full time nursery in September once we get some funded hours (15) as we don’t get anything at the moment. Our second born will also not get any funded hours until 3 so we need to keep paid-for childcare costs as low as possible because they will cross over. I don’t really have stuff to sell and have no capacity to tutor at the moment, let alone the planning and admin. I don’t even know my own birthday right now.

We can technically afford to up to full time now, but I value the additional peace of mind that additional disposable income gives me. She is at a 9-3 pre school which charges 70 for the half day. £600ish is a hell of a lot of money to spend on top of our high fixed costs when it isn’t completely ‘necessary’.

i really tried to get out of the house today and it was all much better. We were out from 9 at the farm and then mc Donald’s (because like fuck am I going in a proper restaurant with them alone with my nerves as they are), picked up an m&s rotisserie meal with for dinner. We just got in for a small pit stop, and will head out shortly for PM soft play. Toddler is tired already. Dad has changed his hours so he finishes at 4:30 on a Friday so really not much longer to go. I don’t think the newborn has opened his eyes since 8:30am- seriously.

i haven’t locked myself in the toilet swearing at the mirror and silent screaming today so all good.

i think we will try and be out for 90% of the day on Fridays

Pls tell my 2 years 10 months toddler about the sense that he's supposed to have 🤣 it is getting better but he still does all of those things you mention 🙈 plus is now big enough to beat up his older brother in addition!!

@casualcrispenjoyer as someone that’s considering number 2, I really appreciate the honesty in this thread. Yes everyone says two is hard, but not with as much clarity as you’ve described here. This has really given me pause for thought - so thank you.
I personally wouldn’t even entertain a second if it wasn’t for the fact that my DS is in full time childcare (I work full time) so personally I see why you would be struggling with only 2.5days a week for the eldest as I would be too. I know going up to full time may be too much of a luxury, but I would experiment with adding one extra day (ad hoc for now) and see if that helps you breathe a little.
Sending love

@casualcrispenjoyer How are things now? Have they improved? In the trenches with you!

Came across this post as I've been having reservations about having a second child. Thank you for sharing all your experiences, its been really useful to read through to fill me in about what to expect. Not gonna lie this is some pretty scary stuff lol

I find having one kid (she is 2) is pretty overwhelming and requires inhumane amount of patience (which I lack). My kid is pretty calm and a good sleeper most of the time, however the whining, clinging, touching and constant noise overstimulate me also. I think I've forgotten how tough the first year was, but things have gotten progressively easier. Although toddler stage is "fun" lol

However I have a longing for a second one, I always wanted two (before having kids) and still do. I feel my kid would benefit from a sibling, she's very sociable. We can afford it financially once eldest goes to school, a cleaner would be a good addition but not sure we can afford. Very little grandparent help. I struggle with having no time for myself a lot too, career has taken a back burner which I've accepted now (it was hard cos I invested a lot of time and effort into it) and hating my body.

Not sure what point I'm trying to make here, but I appreciate I came across this post and will have a long think about adding a second child to our family.

P.S. I would love to hear how you're doing @casualcrispenjoyer. I hope things have gotten better for you and your family!

I’m more ‘used’ to things and new baby is very sweet…but I am still very mournful for what my life was before. I was done with babies, was enjoying having my ‘pink’ back and ready to ramp up my career. I had utterly elapsed my interest in being at home and time with both my children is just much less enjoyable as I am fighting fires and don’t get quality time with either of them.

Yes, I could outsource things- but more nursery for my eldest and childcare fees for my second would mean a massive hit to the family finances which just isn’t really doable. I don’t need full time nursery to do my job, so it’s a massive luxury.

I am honestly going to continue being quite unhappy until my child is in pre-school, and hopefully I will think it was all worth it.

I can’t even write this message in peace now because he’s screaming his head off.

Husband has done all he can work less and provide opportunities for me to be away from the kids, but my daily life has just changed beyond recognition now. I’m spread way too thin and I’m just wishing time away for my toddler to be a bit more mature and my baby to be less demanding.

If you want another child, then I’m sure that this will all be hard but fine- but I didn’t want another child and felt very pressured from a lot of parties in my life.

I love DC so much, as much as my eldest- but having him has been at huge cost to my mental health and happiness. I love his gummy smile but Christ I am sick of being in the trenches.

How are things going now?

I think two children is at least 20 times harder than one. It's much much harder. But the point is you just have to get on with it as best you can. If you can make things a bit easier like getting a cleaner that will help a little bit. And don't be a martyr. Take any help you are offered

It is really hard! I have a bigger age gap with mine, and only had mine on my own 1-2 days a week as the older one was at nursery most of the week. I understand the feeling of overstimulation and still feel it sometimes now when I have both of them for a day / afternoon etc. I always wanted at least two, so I can't quite empathise with having had another without really wanting them - maybe something worse talking to a counsellor about it if you continue to feel this way? I would try and be much kinder to yourself and stop calling yourself pathetic. And yes, you do have some help (great as children are hard work!), but if throwing any more money in the short term will help, then it's worth it. E.g., mother's help, or local teenage neighbour to pop round and play with your toddler when you have them both (both things I've utilised and helped me), etc etc.

@casualcrispenjoyer thank you for your honesty..I am SO overwhelmed by parenting, I love my son but I've found it so hard since the start (he's 2.6 and in nursery 4 days a week while I work). Husband desperate for another and I'm on the fence, I really resonated with your message @MumWithaPhD , what did you decide???xx

Completely agree. It’s sooo invalidating 😢