Utterly miserable since having second child

[casualcrispenjoyer]

I was on the fence but everyone told me it would be easy and they just slot in to your routine- but I have brought an absolute bomb into my happy life.

I absolutely loved being a mother of one. Lots of
time for my own hobbies, lots of couple time, satisfying part time career for family business. Even when my daughter was a newborn, I loved every stage and never found any of it ‘hard’. Breastfed her past 2, co-slept, utterly entangled myself in her yet still had enough to pour into my own cup.

There is nothing to pour any more. I am a husk. I have more help than most but I hate it.

My husband is a very present parent who is at a place in his career which would have other men using ‘big job’ as an excuse to shirk. He does the morning nursery run, gets up with both children, jumps in frequently as part of his work day so I can shower or take 5, finishes at a sensible time. I have a cleaner every week as well, and my daughter goes to pre-school 2.5 days a week. I try and put myself into a good mood when I have both of them alone, but I utterly dread it.

I’m overstimulated by the pair of them. I can’t stand double the noise and double the mess. I hate that I’m fat again and I am absolutely gutted to see ‘my’ responsibilities at work delegated to other people and my CPD put on hold because I am looking after a new baby. I am not a fun mum any more because I spend my time stopping the toddler from hurting the 4 month old. I’m uptight about the cleaning because I want a calm home and to check out at the end of the day, not spend my only free hour before I collapse into bed, cleaning up (yes,
my husband does his bit too). Me and my daughter don’t do the fun things that we used to. Everything is more cumbersome with a little one there.

When she’s at nursery I fantasise about my old life where I would have gone to a barre class and worked from a lovely coffee shop- but then I remember I started again and I have another baby to look after. And I have to pick her up at 3. There is no time for fun and nourishment of myself, it’s just looking after other things. I clockwatch until he finishes work. It’s better when there are two of us, I’m much less down about everything.

I really wasn’t cut out to parent two children. I am too easily frustrated, overstimulated and fundamentally selfish.

I have tried to speak to my friends and they are just suggesting that I have postpartum depression but I generally don’t think I do. I am just finding it all tough and way too much. I relate much more to the shit, disinterested dads I read about on here. They don’t have depression. They just don’t enjoy parenting. I don’t enjoy parenting multiple kids.

I love both my children and feel bonded to them. I definitely don’t see my son as an interloper or a disruptor. I’m not mad at him. I enjoy both my children individually and feel joy when it’s 1:1. I don’t think I am depressed. I’m just not cut out to juggle 2 and perpetually feel hard done by. I’m worried about my marriage because my husband knows how miserable I am but he physically can’t do any more.

Another thing people tell me (well meaningly) is that it will all be worth it and they’ll play together eventually and as much as I hope that this is case- I know from my own experiences and that of others that this is not certain either. I can’t really use the thought of this ‘eventually’ happening as my Hail Mary because hey, it might never happen. And then where will I be.

I am just so sad. I have two lovely children and a lovely husband and all I want to do is run away. I feel so ungrateful and such a failure.

I hear you, I have felt the same many a time over the last few years (DCs now 6 and 3)

I need proper time away from my dcs. I absolutely get overstimulated.

I’m not sure a man could understand what it’s like to be chemically wired into children such that your brain 100% pivots around their needs all day every day, it’s exhausting. I have read that a mum at home with young kids can have more cortisol than emergency doctors - it’s all just a LOT.

personally I have developed a rhythm of going on a solo break every 3 or 4 months. I go for at least 2, ideally 3 nights, and stay in a hotel or Airbnb. I usually spend the first night sad and depressed missing the kids(!) but then I read, sleep, walk, swim, eat tons and generally listen 100% my own needs. I return restored, missing them! And immediately get planning my next break!

I am also in weekly therapy at the moment, which has been SO helpful to my parenting, as I unpick some of the unhelpful patterns I’d been carrying on with.

Being a martyr doesn’t help anyone, so take time to identify what you need and make sure a good chunk of the family budget is allocated to it.

Your kids deserve a fulfilled, rested mum, so prioritise this, you will not regret it x

The prospect of that sounds so far away though. I have been on a few holidays without my daughter, but it’s going to be at least another 18 months now. We had a few overnights when she was younger, she used to have regular sleepovers with my mum which was really good for our marriage as we could be ourselves without the clock watching for the sitter- but again, ages away.

The days post pre-school and when I have them all day is such a bloody drudge that a glass of wine when they are in bed isn’t cutting it.

I have tried to explain to my husband that I enjoy our family time and I am hugely appreciating all that he’s doing- but it seems like me not being happy 100% of the time is being perceived as a failure on his part.

This is all new to me. I didn’t find motherhood hard before. Very easy going and loved the development side of things. Lots of playgroups and play dates and carefully constructed activities at home. I loved every stage of our daughter and was very much ‘together’ and happy even throughout the usual bouts of broken sleep. Now Monday-Friday he has this new angry, sad, pyjama wearing woman in his living room.

I felt similarly overwhelmed after my second child was born, though I didn’t have feelings of regret, which does sound very difficult. I felt like a husk, a shadow of myself. Tbh I was quite depressed. And so sleep-deprived!! Things are much easier a few years on. Hang in there.

I have a three year old and an eight month old, totally understand how you feel - I hated Looking after both of them together a few months ago, felt like we were always on the brink of someone having a melt down. I just wanted to say that it’s already feeling better - at around six months naps got longer/more consistent and breastfeeding easier, which helped. The last few weeks have been another step forward - my youngest can sit up, LOVES watching his big brother and I can be slightly more hands off with them. It’s also been joyful to watch how happy interacting with each other has made them. Just my experience, and still a long way to go - but wanted to offer some hope. Take care.

i just wanted to say that while I don’t have advice - I understand. I knew firmly that I don’t have the mental fortitude for more than one child. I’m easily overstimulated and need a lot of down time, exercise and quiet to be able to function properly. Without that, everything in my life goes to hell.

I don’t think framing it as being selfish is healthy - some women thrive in chaos and love a full house, some of us don’t. It’s nothing to do with help available. Don’t be browbeaten by posters saying you have it easy, it’s not a competition. I got a lot of that from women with harder babies/multiples and shut it down fast these days. We all have different sized cups to pour from.

As someone who did have severe PPD (better now) I don’t think you sound depressed - you sound like a woman and not just a mother, who wants to be a whole person and doesn’t have the capacity for that currently. That is tough.

I will say that our friends with 2-4 children are really in the trenches too. But the ones who’re older do find it easier. However, it’s a long road and all I can send you is sympathy and the knowledge that you’re not selfish or unusual for feeling this way.

Hello OP,

I have felt like you with my third. Older two are very close in age and by the time the third arrived I was just starting to live again (I decided to go for the third when my ds2 was under 2, but it took over a year to get pregnant...) so there is an almost 4 year gap between ds2 and dd. This combined with moving, money issues, etc, means it was... An interesting year.

However, it does get better. Not right away, and I've had days mourning all the stuff I could have done with my older two. But then I see them develop their relationship, I see my eldest son be so sweet and caring with his siblings, I see DS2 gradually warm to his baby sister, and it's beautiful.

Even if they don't play together (though I don't see why they wouldn't) they will become able to entertain themselves as they grow up. My older two are now quite independant at 6 and almost 5. And now that DD is walking and babbling she's more fun with every passing day.

When I think back to my own childhood I don't particularly remember crafts and activities. I do remember the family times. I remember playing board games with the whole family. I remember my brother being there for me when I needed emotional support. I remember the warm Christmases with all of us cooking together. These are the things that matter.

Try and let go of high standards and guilt. Yes, taking care of two is hard. Just try to not pressure yourself. If your eldest cries it won't kill her, if baby doesn't get his bottle at the very moment he asks for it he won't be scarred for life. Just focus on one task at a time, one day at a time. I'll bet that you'll read over this post in a year or two and you won't be able to remember how you could feel this way.

A PP said it perfectly; its about being hardwired to be responsible for your children. Even if you have lots of help, psychologically you're always switched on and if you are very sensitive to noise, as I am, it can trigger you from a very deep place. I remember one of my toddlers crying in the back seat of the car and commenting on it. My dad said he hadn't even noticed and I said it was like a drill going into the deepest, most primal part of my brain! There is a part of us which is on hyper vigilance.

Do you get enough sleep? Sorry if you already said. I feel like sleep deprivation can really make things worse. Recently I went through a bout of sleep deprivation and every time I heard a noise from my kids, I got that feeling you get when you dream you're falling off a cliff and wake up suddenly. My adrenaline seemed to be spiking over the smallest of things. When im in that zone, I actually don't find breaks away from my kids help me that much as I end up feeling like I'm going back into the den and it almost feels worse! Sleep is sometimes all I need.

I once had a 2 year old and newborn and it was hard. It's Great now though!

Can you explain a bit more about what your triggers are and what you experience emotionally on a day to day basis?

You sound like you were a ‘perfect’ mum and now you are a ‘good enough’ mum and that’s great! Your kids will benefit from a sibling even if they don’t play together. Just being with another young person will benefit them in many ways. Watching tv is fine! You are being really really hard on yourself. I promise you when school starts you will get so much more of your life back.

I feel similar op. I have 3 dc, but my eldest is a teenager so it’s not the same struggle as it is with the toddlers (2 and 3). Before dc3 arrived I was really enjoying parenting a little one again and we got out and did lots. Dc3 came along and I managed to keep getting out and going to groups etc for maybe a year. But the exhaustion of caring for 2 young dc has taken its toll and my mental health isn’t great and my parenting has really suffered. I don’t have the kind of support you do, but if I could afford to outsource I absolutely would, there’s nothing wrong with being able to do that, and it’s okay to still find the emotional toll overwhelming. It has gotten easier over time, it’s still very hard. But I know it will get easier some more so I’m just trying to keep it together in the meantime!

9 month old and 3.5 year old here and you’re not alone in feeling this way OP. I found things got better from 6 months but I still have rough days. I have had to really lower my expectations (of almost everything tbh), pick battles, and get out and away from the kids/house once a week for a couple of hours to preserve my sanity. I also have great support from my MIL and partner, eldest at nursery three days a week but its the hardest thing Ive ever done and I have also been telling myself Im not cut out for more than one child, that Im ungrateful and a failure. As someone who has experienced ppd twice now, I wouldnt rule out speaking to your GP and trying medication and therapy if these feelings persist. For me they were a lifeline.

I’m honestly not a martyr. We watched probably 2 hours a day of TV a day even when I was in what some would call ‘perfect’ mum mode. I don’t think that I was doing before was unsurmountable. It was easy to think up some nice activities, we have lots of nursery style resources at home. We live in a nice city with lots to do. It was easy to keep her occupied and easy to parent in a child-centric way. Both thriving, not just surviving.

I don’t think the TV being on all day whilst she trashes the house out of boredom ‘good enough’ really. I find getting them both ready massively overwhelming as the baby usually vomits 3 times before we leave the house and my toddler is really difficult. If we do get out the house then I’m already in a foul mood. So we don’t get out much because I honestly can’t deal with the faff. Toddler requires helicoptering absolutely everywhere so I can’t placidly feed baby with a coffee whilst she plays as she approaches other families, hugs other children who don’t want her friendliness and tries to bolt out of venues. I don’t usually go out to anything like soft play unless one of my parents or a friend is free.

I am just waiting for the weather to get warmer so I can at least set up some provision in the garden.

toddler’s behaviour and mindless destruction is a direct consequence of my lack of capacity and how overwhelmed I am. I would usually turn everything into a game and distract and parent effectively. I am really struggling with not being an effective parent. I have no energy to gamify things nor capacity to pre-empt things.

Thank you for your kind message

the sleep honestly isn’t that bad. The baby sometimes only wakes once, usually twice. But the toddler feels pushed out and wants to get in with us- so that’s another wake up. Normal young kids sleep stuff- but I can’t help but take it almost personally and get so aggrieved about being woke up because I hate the days and I don’t even have the nights either

i suppose my triggers are:

toddler’s behaviour, namely emptying boxes and trashing stuff. Everything is childproofed but some stuff just needs to be out…like toy boxes or toothbrushes in a cup. She’s bored.

the toddler also attacks the baby and no immediate consequence works, nor lack of reaction, nor mini therapy session does anything about it.

the noise- the symphony of baby crying and the toddler doing pretend wail to join in. Usually a dog is barking too. I honestly think the noise is the worst.

my own self image and lack of care makes me feel sad. Every time i take the time to put a comfy and nice outfit together, I end up covered in vomit or breast milk the toddler will wipe her snot on me. I feel touched out and gross.

it’s mainly sensory things, the more I look on it.

Noise and ickiness. My daughter has always been a tornado and never was an angel baby, but I could manage very happily. Double the responsibility has broken me.

I honestly just don’t buy that I’m mentally ill by being forced to look after a baby with reflux and a toddler terrorist all day.

it’s just really hard

she’s at nursery now and I’m watching the Tudors, having a lovely healthy lunch, baby is sleeping and I’m enjoying the peace and quiet. My downstairs is clean and tidy and I feel fucking zen and not depressed at all.

I honestly believe I’m just not cut out for 2. I knew it already as we were OAD but DS was a contraception lapse whilst on the vasectomy waiting list.

Everyone around me told me that I’d be so much more confident the second time around and he’d just slot in. I tried to believe them but I knew I’d feel touched out and stressed juggling two.

Nothing but sympathy for you OP. I admire you for your honesty
Don’t worry, time will pass and you will be back at work and it will seem much better. You sound bored and frustrated and I’m not surprised

All I can say is that I had a good friend who thought if she'd started antidepressants a year earlier, when her youngest was a few weeks old, she might still have a marriage.

Actually I think her marriage was not going to survive. But she might have been significantly less miserable.

I think you are really in the thick of it OP. It’s gruelling. The mental load and exhaustion feels relentless. I remember crying in the bathroom! I was not the calm earth mother I thought I’d be. Mine are all teenagers now and so I can say it does get easier. I felt like I lost myself for several years (I have three) but it’s not forever. At the time it feels like this is how life will be always but it really isn’t. Not that this is much help right now, I know. I’m sorry it’s so crappy currently but your children are loved and safe and that’s what matters. Don't be too hard on yourself.

I relate to a lot of this. For me it was just the constant mess. Mess, mess, mess. Everything was always grubby, yucky, dingy all the time meanwhile I felt fat, flabby, unattractive and very frumpy. Mumsnet told me things like 'lower your standards' (my standards were never that high in the first place and I could not turn a blind eye to the carnage that started around 15 minutes after we gor up). They also said 'get a cleaner', who we now have, but to be honest, it's clean for half a day and then gets trashed again. It's a live-in housekeepr I need.

Your sleep is quite broken by the sound of it too. Being woken up even a few times a night for a few months will have an affect on your rest levels. My toddler would attack the baby and really all I could do was just to say no and keep the baby away from him. He was too young to understand. It passed and he stopped.

I also developed a mental space where I go to when I feel overwhelmed. I close my eyes and just go somewhere mentally/spiritually which I call my 'secret place'. It fills my cup enough to keep going. I have 3 kids, and love being a mum and something that the motherhood online sphere can forget is that motherhood is for the rest of your life. Childhood is short. All of the things that seemed so important at the time, the breastfeeding, baby led weaning, potty training, tummy time, sleep training, healthy diet, bedtime stories fade away quite quickly, and just because you feel like this stage feels tough with two, doesn't mean that you won't be a wonderful mother to a 5 year old and 7 year old, to two prepubescent children, to two teenagers l, two young adults, two adult children. Maybe one day your adult son or daughter will struggle with their young kids, and you will tell them 'I felt the same, and it passed and it was all worth to have our family exactly the way it is today'.

This is just one chapter of motherhood and sometimes you need to stick with it to get past the first few pages before you can really get into the book.

I just came here to say you were in the absolute most difficult phase. This point when you’ve got a toddler, you can’t reason with, a baby not sleeping enough and no time to yourself is REALLY hard.
Of course there are some people that will just sail through it but a lot of that comes down to the temperament of the children.

I’m not going to suggest you’ve got any form of postpartum depression - But you sound massively overwhelmed with no end in sight that you can see. My concern would be that it could change anything, it could turn into PPD if not monitored.

It will turn a corner and it will get better. I have no idea who you are, but if I lived in a year and come And take you for coffee, leave you to sit there while I walk the baby round the block.

it is a minute to minute at this stage, You will get there.

I was you about 11 years ago, Second job of much harder work than the first And I was totally overwhelmed. They are now adolescence with much bigger different problems, but I wouldn’t have it any other way

Wishing you all the best

If you have Grannies or Aunties etc desperate to spend time with the older one make sure you take them up on the offer.

Do you have anyone who could take the 4 month old for a bit so you can smother the toddler with attention? It sounds like she's craving that.

Toothbrushes - shelf out or reach
Other boxes - if they're child-safe just let her empty them? And then make it a race to see how quickly she can put things back in? Are you doing toy rotation?

I have a sacrificial bag of tupperware for safe emptying. The underwear drawer is another.

Also - is it worth going to bed really early a few nights in a row just to see if you can get back your equilibrium? Not forever, just a few days and then maybe every other night?

Hey,
I’ve got a 2.5 year old and a 5 month old and I’m really feeling in the trenches too.
miss time just me and my toddler (my partner isn’t here in the week). Constant guilt.
also very much in the stop the toddler injuring the baby phase and oh my god the snatching toys off her 😫
keep trying to tell myself it will get easier but feels so far away.

What is the point of this comment except to make the OP feel worse? Take your jealousy elsewhere. I have more help than her and still struggle. Everyone is different.

Can you afford to put your daughter in nursery four or five days a week? I think that would help

toothbrushes and anything else: I don’t have a high shelf or a cupboard with tall enough storage for our tooth stuff. (All of my cleaning stuff is locked away in the top shelf of an airing cupboard). she scales and climbs things and pulls baskets and stands on them. I just have a series of baby gates to keep her within the same few rooms at a time. If it wasn’t the toothbrushes- it’ll be something else. It’s things like books on the self, sofa cushions, the neatly hung up mops
and brushes that she’ll leap off the ground to get. I can’t lock everything away. I literally don’t have the room to.

putting stuff away: she doesn’t give a single fuck about tidying up despite me modelling, praising, encouraging. Even when I had the energy to make things a game- I still had to keep things minimal and pick my battles. Occasionally if I leave the mess and make her clean it up to get the thing she wants ‘you want a biscuit? Ok no problem, clean up the trains first’- that gives me some success, but 50% of the time she’ll just ignore and move onto something else.

she is chaotic by nature. Tiny attention span. Nursery have the same complaints as me tbh. They have said it’s because she’s clever and I’ve given her a lot of agency- ie. always involved in gardening, cooking, dresses herself- that she thinks everything is fair game. When I was ‘perfect parent’ I managed the chaos a bit better but now I just can’t.

my mum says she’ll calm down in a few months. I really hope so

I’ve got a very clever elder one and honestly I agree, it was tough/dreadful at this age, but they are brilliantly self motivated and much less work down the line, hang in there! My dd immediately knew the baby was competition and went bananas.

I have two very interesting children I’m proud of, but boy am I glad they’re both over 7 now, and no, I don’t really miss the baby years at all, cute as the photos are!