Utterly miserable since having second child

[casualcrispenjoyer]

I was on the fence but everyone told me it would be easy and they just slot in to your routine- but I have brought an absolute bomb into my happy life.

I absolutely loved being a mother of one. Lots of
time for my own hobbies, lots of couple time, satisfying part time career for family business. Even when my daughter was a newborn, I loved every stage and never found any of it ‘hard’. Breastfed her past 2, co-slept, utterly entangled myself in her yet still had enough to pour into my own cup.

There is nothing to pour any more. I am a husk. I have more help than most but I hate it.

My husband is a very present parent who is at a place in his career which would have other men using ‘big job’ as an excuse to shirk. He does the morning nursery run, gets up with both children, jumps in frequently as part of his work day so I can shower or take 5, finishes at a sensible time. I have a cleaner every week as well, and my daughter goes to pre-school 2.5 days a week. I try and put myself into a good mood when I have both of them alone, but I utterly dread it.

I’m overstimulated by the pair of them. I can’t stand double the noise and double the mess. I hate that I’m fat again and I am absolutely gutted to see ‘my’ responsibilities at work delegated to other people and my CPD put on hold because I am looking after a new baby. I am not a fun mum any more because I spend my time stopping the toddler from hurting the 4 month old. I’m uptight about the cleaning because I want a calm home and to check out at the end of the day, not spend my only free hour before I collapse into bed, cleaning up (yes,
my husband does his bit too). Me and my daughter don’t do the fun things that we used to. Everything is more cumbersome with a little one there.

When she’s at nursery I fantasise about my old life where I would have gone to a barre class and worked from a lovely coffee shop- but then I remember I started again and I have another baby to look after. And I have to pick her up at 3. There is no time for fun and nourishment of myself, it’s just looking after other things. I clockwatch until he finishes work. It’s better when there are two of us, I’m much less down about everything.

I really wasn’t cut out to parent two children. I am too easily frustrated, overstimulated and fundamentally selfish.

I have tried to speak to my friends and they are just suggesting that I have postpartum depression but I generally don’t think I do. I am just finding it all tough and way too much. I relate much more to the shit, disinterested dads I read about on here. They don’t have depression. They just don’t enjoy parenting. I don’t enjoy parenting multiple kids.

I love both my children and feel bonded to them. I definitely don’t see my son as an interloper or a disruptor. I’m not mad at him. I enjoy both my children individually and feel joy when it’s 1:1. I don’t think I am depressed. I’m just not cut out to juggle 2 and perpetually feel hard done by. I’m worried about my marriage because my husband knows how miserable I am but he physically can’t do any more.

Another thing people tell me (well meaningly) is that it will all be worth it and they’ll play together eventually and as much as I hope that this is case- I know from my own experiences and that of others that this is not certain either. I can’t really use the thought of this ‘eventually’ happening as my Hail Mary because hey, it might never happen. And then where will I be.

I am just so sad. I have two lovely children and a lovely husband and all I want to do is run away. I feel so ungrateful and such a failure.

Expectations can be too high to enjoy every minute. A lot of small child parenting is pure drudge - look at the falling birth rates..much as Musk et al would like us all chained to the kitchen having 6 plus kids.

I’m watching Wolf hall with my kids now - they’re very tolerant of my lectures on Tudor times.

Thank you so much, this is really kind and helpful x

I'm in a similar place. I wouldn't quite say I'm miserable in general but certainly in parts. Mine are 2.5 and 8 months. It has certainly got somewhat easier now the baby is crawling and can entertain himself a bit better. There were some ridiculous moments earlier on where I would eat dinner whilst breastfeeding a baby in a sling, whilst trying to feed the toddler her dinner. All standing at the kitchen counter. Obviously, she always wants something different than she did 2 minutes ago and certainly different to what's for dinner.

I've started cutting several corners. If I do dinner without my husband here, it's just bread and some other bits thrown together. The toddler won't eat much more than bread and egg anyway, and baby is only just starting solids. No point making a nice meal.

When I have both together, I pretty much never get chance to play with them in-between fulfilling the various demands of the toddler and doing housework. A drink, snack, no you can't have another snack, no that's not a bee it's a fly, don't feed your brother sand etc. Laundry, dishwasher, cats, hoover up the sand. It's not really fun. I've started drinking 0% alcohol gin and tonic a few afternoons a week to pretend I'm having a break and try to cope 😂.

Honestly, I feel the same,I had another after much confliction and whilst I adore my ds,there is a 5 year age gap and i am exhausted. My cup is also very very empty, I go to work for a break. I dont have any advice other than to drop your standards if it helps. I was like Monica from friends pre kids, now with a semi full time stressful job, a dog, buying a renovation, and a husband that works away from home. I shall live with dust. I have no advice other than you are not alone in the way you feel. To make things worse for me the only comfort I find is in food,which makes me fat,and I hate my self more.

I think maybe you had it easy first time - placid baby, helpful husband, nice part time work, cleaner -…. Now you’re in the stage many women feel with one - no personal free time, not fitting in working, DH not doing enough.
I think with two you are at a difficult stage -1 not independent, 2 totally dependent 1 is taking all that fretime you had with first.
Im sure things will get easier but can you rope in more help so that at least your work still runs smoothly.

OP, it does get easier. Mine are now 4 and 6. The 6 yo starts to have more and more his own activities - he goes on bdays and play dates without a parent. 4yo has a phase now where she throws a lot of tantrums but overall it’s much easier than a few years ago. And yes they play together even if they are different sex. Try to create moments of calm every day. When the baby naps, put the older one in front of the tv and have a cuppa. I also found putting both in a stroller and going for long walks gave me space to breath. Listen to podcasts and your fave music on the background while being with the kids at home.

Everyone tells to enjoy the stage when kids are tiny and how fast it goes. Have to say I don’t feel at all like it’s going fast. I feel like I’ve had young kids forever. And looking for example two whole years ahead - they’ll still be young, I still won’t be able to leave them home and go to my yoga class when I feel like it. Just need to hang in there I guess 😀

It's a horrible stage but you do get through it. You're not alone in feeling this way.

I felt exactly like you a few months ago. Literally could have written your post. With just one DC! Also had lots of help and a pretty privileged life and felt stupid and guilty. I really thought my husband might be considering leaving me for a while because I was that miserable to be around :( Don't beat yourself up, there's no law against feeling sad just because you have a supposedly easier life than some people!

Fwiw I did actually end up admitting I was depressed a few months down the line and easily got help from my GP...

Also a practical thing, I've found tiredness is an absolute killer than creeps up on me even when I think I'm getting sleep. Two things that have transformed my life is white chestnut before bed (rescue remedy night drops have it in, buy them in the supermarket) and "Spatone" iron supplement sachets during the day. I'm shocked how much difference a bit more energy has made to my overall enjoyment of DS and life in general.

The way you talk about your dh op. It’s great he is hands on but he is really not helping the situation emotionally speaking! Can you leave him alone with the two dc one weekend and let him get on with his idealised view of parenthood? He then might not make it all
about his own failure if you are not happy!

It’s perfectly normal and ok to be hating this stage. There is a lot of drudgery involved which the pastel adverts for nappies and laundry pods don’t reflect very accurately.

In your shoes I would at least go to the gp and be assessed for depression. What harm can that do? Your friends know you well; better than a load of strangers on the internet anyway. They won’t force you to take ADs if you don’t want to. Who knows they may be able to link you to other types of support?

I know you said that you can’t throw any more resources at this without making cuts in other areas but I beg you to make cuts in other areas and throw as much money at this situation you can without getting in to financial difficulty! Sell stuff if you have to! Your mh is important! Try and get your eldest in to ft nursery. She is obviously ready for it! Or advertise for a mother’s help to come and assist during the day or part of the day.

Go and do some pt tutoring or schooling of some home educated children to pay for it if you need to!

When you need help you need help! We all do from time to time. You haven’t failed in any way. You just need some extra support temporarily. I was ok with the baby and toddler stage but needed therapy to get me through the teenager stage. We are all different. And remember that these all are temporary phases which will improve with time even if we do nothing! This too shall pass!

And that, dear reader, is why I only ever had one child. I fulfilled the undeniable biological urge, got rid of any "what ifs" and mostly enjoyed bringing up my son. But thankfully I knew I wasn't sufficiently invested in motherhood to want more.

And that dear reader is probably the least helpful comment on this thread.

Yes. Same here.
I know that's not helpful OP, but please know you're not alone. I'm not cut out for parenting more than one child, so I stopped at one.

You're in a very difficult stage. You're coping well considering.

I find having two tough to say the least. Like you, with one everything was manageable but with two …

Hoping it will get better. It has, a bit.

I came here to say this. As harsh as it sounds, there’s nothing you can do about it now. There’s no point constantly thinking that you should have stuck to one, it won’t do any good. You just have to keep going. Get more support if you can, see your gp if you want. You have to raise the kids you have now. They will get easier I promise. You are in the trenches now. When they sleep, play together and can use a toilet and feed themselves it’s easy from there.

It will get easier. My two are 5 and 8 now and play together all the time and have done since youngest was 3. They fight obviously but l don't have to 'play' with either of them as much as they have eachother. The baby/toddler stage is the absolute worst. I felt I got my life back at the preschool stage. My youngest was 5 months at the COVID lock down stage. My husband had to work so I was stuck inside with the 2 of them for months. That was tough as I was on maternity (I'm a teacher). Everything also got easier when I went back to work. Maybe once you go back to work it will settle down for you. You aren't as hyper focused on them as you have other things to think about and you're back to sharing the parental responsibility equally as it's the evenings and weekends.

I struggled immensely with 2. Even though second baby was considerably easier than eldest and we have a larger age gap (a few weeks shy of 3 years). I still found it so so hard. If I’m honest, im just not a baby/mat leave person. I like my own time and space and struggle with being ‘needed’ 24/7. I just about coped the first time round as it’s easier to have breaks with only 1. But there it is so much harder getting breaks second time round with a tiny baby and a toddler. It’s just so relentless.

My two are very nearly 2 and nearly 5 and it’s eased up in the last couple of months. The youngest is more independent and the eldest has matured out of the toddler phase. We are starting to see the early shoots of the benefits of 2. When they aren’t crying over a toy they both want they are lovely together.

Hang on in there. The first few years of patenting 2 is so hard. But I do think it gets easier.

It gets better. Mine are 4 years apart and baby stage with DD2 was in covid, it was so hard to entertain DS while looking after DD. I spent 1-1 time with him when she napped and with her in the carrier or stroller. Once they started playing together it was like a switch flicked. It's not perfect but I can at least often stay in bed with my cup of coffee again on the weekend while they play together. They are 9 and 5 now but I think it started to improve when DD was about 2.

Well 1dc is much easier to slot into your life than multiple dc as I think it tops the balance away from adults.

You write really well OP.
No advice, I feel like you with 1 a lot of the time. The fact no. 2 was a whoops baby definitely must be challenging, it's not like you invited the chaos into your life. I'd really struggle if I got pregnant having decided on being one and done.
It will get better though.

I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and feel exactly the same. But… I know that this is the hardest stage and we are in the trenches right now. I know it will get better.

i love spending time with my 3 year old but my 1 year old is in that god awful stage where he’s walking but not quite walking. IYKYK.

Just hanging on in here as I know it will get better.

But you don’t mind making that poster feel worse by putting the boot in? She was only trying to empathise in her own way, as I read it.

You're around 8 months away from it getting a lot better ime. First year of two is absolutely crap.

My advice is dump the baby on someone else every chance you get and take the older one out to cafes/soft play/on fun trips. She needs to connect with you and she's almost old enough that you can bond together over how tough the baby is.

I have a similar age gap and it's great. My older one sighs long-sufferingly when the younger one plays up and says "it's really tough having a baby, isn't it?" which I find hilarious.

I have a refluxy 6 month old and a toddler and my best advice to deal with that one aspect is:

1. Have a large item of clothing you can wear as a cover all. I get dressed to leave the house and then stick my massive high necked long jumper over the top. It catches most of the sick and I whip it off as we leave the house and hey presto I'm clean.

2. Keep baby just in vest with muslin tucked over the top until you're about to leave the house, and then the muslin has hopefully caught the sick, if not it's quick to change a catestrophically sicky vest, or put an outfit over the top of a lightly sicky one.

These made getting out of the house easier for me when mine was in the permanently sick phase which is now subsiding a little thank God!

I also strongly recommend church hall style baby groups: based on the ones I've been to there are enough toys to give the toddler a change of scenery and stop the boredom, it's an opportunity for adult interaction for you, and there's usually a friendly volunteer who can help when you need an extra pair of hands. The ones round my way cost £1.50 and are a godsend.

Hang in there!! I found one baby so very hard we almost didn't have another and the first four months of DD2's life have been one long treadmill of feeling like I might explode with stress but now she's sitting reliably she's so much more putdownable and I'm starting to feel like me and DD1 can have time to enjoy each other again. Hopefully you'll have the same very very soon.

Oh and if you're out of the house then they can't destroy the house! Getting them through the door is enough to drive me to tears 4 days out of 5 but it's always always worth it. Particularly if you have a double buggy and can strap them in and get fresh air and exercise where no-one can run off and the baby will sleep!

I think the youngest needs to get to 2.5. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway 😂 By then they have enough sense not to throw themselves off anywhere high, they don’t eat things that aren’t food and hopefully will play without just ruining anything they try to play. I have a two year gap and my youngest isn’t quite 2 yet but I’ve found it really hard for the last 6 months. The overstimulation when they’re together is something else. My sofa being taken apart for the 50th time that day or the little table and chairs I got them being moved yet again to stand on to get Easter eggs out the cupboard 😩 Even if you solely dedicated your day to following them about the entire time and not aiming to eat, go to the toilet or answer the door, there would still be something in my house broken and a major argument over nothing resulting in a fight.

It’s so so hard when you’re in it and some of my friends with kids similar ages ‘appear’ to have it easier but I’m sure everyone’s life is this chaotic. Hang in there. It will all pass in seconds. I see posts on here all the time and go to reply then see the date is like 2017 or something and realise those little kids will be big kids now and mine will too very quickly. It’s literally the only hope I can give you 🙈 but I’m very much down this well too