Scared that if I dont have a 3rd I will regret it?

[Mum84762002]

Does anyone have two children and have the urge to have a 3rd but don't feel like they can do pregnancy or give their everything to three children?
I have two wonderful girls, 1 and 3 and I love them with all my heart but I do find motherhood a struggle. At the same time though I have these conflicting thoughts of all the milestones with my 1 year old being my last and it honestly breaks my heart, sometimes it's all I can think about. At the same time though the thought of pregnancy (mainly the symptoms) freaks me out! But at the same time I loved finding out the genders/scans/midwife appointment etc. The newborn bubble, birth, I just loved it and the thought of never doing it again and closing the chapter really upsets me.
If you feel like this or did feel like this what did you do?
How do you feel now?
I haven't experienced primary school age/teenage ages so I don't know if in the future I'd be glad i didn't go ahead with a 3rd or regret not going ahead with a 3rd. I guess what is scary aswell is we'd have to move, get a new car etc its a big jump from going to 2 to 3 I feel.
Any opinions or thoughts would be helpful ❤️

And have a certain amount of luck @JudesBiggestFan that none of yours have hit a wall at all and that have 3 of the same gender and money!

As I have said DS is still a fairly tricky boy and needs a lot of time and energy to get him through his anxiety and the amount of my energy he takes I simply wouldn’t have enough to go around.

Hi @Mum84762002 , a lot of points you raised are valid.
Having kids and the number of them should always be a head decision not a heart one. Yes kids need love but love is not enough for them to do well. They need resources, space and attention and that costs money.
It really boils down to the quality of life you and your kids want. If you want to have disposable income, nice holidays, free time and give decent amount of attention to your children stick to 2.
The truth is, with every child you have, you are depleting the quality of their life because you would stretched more finacially and emotionally. Not a lot of people want to accept this truth that especially people from big families (4+ kids).
I have only one younger sister myself and to be honest I am so grateful my parents didn't have anymore. My sister is enough to last me a lifetime, everytime we fight, we always make up because we know we only have each other. And it was nice for my parents to be able to provide everything me and my sister needed to do well and study in peace and quiet.
Ultimately my parents stuck to 2 as they wanted to give me and my sister the best quality of life they could offer, I am forever grateful to them

I think it’s lovely that you loved the newborn/baby/toddler stage and I can see how that’s made things difficult. But if you have a third aren’t you just going to feel the same when he or she (or even they! Twins could happen!) reach the same point? So doesn’t that make
what you’re feeling exactly that… a feeling and perhaps not something to base a huge life decision on. It will pass. Recognise the feeling and perhaps deal with that, rather than delaying how you feel about it (if you think two might be best!)

I personally hated the newborn and baby stage, it absolutely destroyed me physically and mentally
which makes things easier! Just about to have second and I cannot wait for her to be 1 already. Find the newborn phase so hard and want it over with.

None of your ‘pro’ reasons are actually reasons, they are just feelings which sound to me quite irrational. I would rather be a better parent to two than a diluted parent to three. I wanted mine to have siblings, so not an Only child, but beyond that you would just have less of everything to give them. (I am one of three myself).

Hmm. Every family is different. I am NC with my brother and would have loved for there to be more of us!

I agree with @Tiswa
It sounds like you have had three "easy" children.
DD had some serious health issues as a baby, then some more potentially serious ones when she started secondary school.
As a teenager she was so badly bullied that she self harmed, became borderline anorexic and ended up on anti anxiety medication.

You are lucky that your older DC haven't needed you on an emotional level the way DD has. I m also glad that I have only had to support one child through GCSEs, A levels and university.

Re the drudgery comment - I was referring to the extra cooking, cleaning and washing, plus all the running around to parties and activities. Even shared it is still more work than I would want to do. I am also sociable and outgoing, but I still need "me time".

I think sister-sister relationships are different, I have noticed this

I have 2 girls like you OP. I did think about having a third, but I really wanted a boy. I didn't want to have gender disappointment, as I was initially tearful when I found out my second was another girl.

Ideally I would have liked one of each and before marriage, I said I'd consider having 3, if my DH pulled his weight with the kids. He didn't do enough, so I was more than happy with 2. I never wanted just one child.
Surprisingly, he wanted more... for me to do all the work.

My girls are in their 20s now and I have absolutely no regrets that I didn't have a third. Kids are so expensive and just last year both finished post graduate studies at university. It's a relief not paying their rent and giving maintenance money.

Stick with the two happy, healthy children you've got. You can spend more time on them, appreciate them more and they you. Your love and attention will be spread very thin with three. You also never know whether your third child might be healthy. I know that sounds crass, but it's true. Also, does your partner really want a third. Most men I've ever known have looked forward to getting out of the baby/infant stages of parenthood. I know a lot of women love it, but men generally really don't and being stuck in another cycle of it might damage your relationship.

Oh yeah dont forget most kids wont move out until past 30 because of cost of living

Thank you, taking this all on board. With what you said unless things change (financially/mentally) I know we can only comfortably afford two with income leftover for holidays/etc. Mentally aswell I can give more to two than three. I think it's just hormones/my heart.

I am in the same boat OP. My eldest is 5 and my youngest will be 3 soon. A few friends/acquaintances have just had or expecting their 3rd, quite a few of the school mums have 3 or 4. I am the eldest of 5, my DH is the eldest of 3.

I just feel like we are spread too thin re time and emotional capacity even with just 2, but then other times I think it would be nice to have a bigger family.

We do have a big house (4/5 bed) and the car could work and we earn enough but not loads. We'd have to make sacrifices financially if we had a 3rd. My friend just had her 3rd and she was desperate to have another, even though they have less money, credit card debt and their house is much smaller. It made me realise that I am not that keen, nowhere near as keen as she was.

We actually tried for a few months last year, then found Christmas and NY really hard with illness and no family nearby and stopped trying. And I think it's put us off 😂 my youngest is particularly difficult at the moment, I am getting back into cycling, we are on the cusp of having more money, and I keep thinking about those things and what I'd lose if we had another. I took my two on a flight to see family earlier this month and I couldn't see myself doing that with 3, logistically or cost wise.

I also think mine is hormones / my heart / the fact that my two have moved out of babyhood and not that I actually want another child.

Don’t underestimate the cost of 3.

Holidays become extortionate. No idea why but the price goes up thousands to add a third child.
Days out. Again. 2 adults and 2 children plus another. Then 3 ice creams, 3 dinners etc.

It’s crippling us financially (as much as I adore my third) with the cost of living and paying for an ‘extra’ in a world designed for the average 2+2

There’s also the extra things you don’t realise until they happen. 3 parents evenings, 3 sports days. It’s just a lot to be honest, it leaves very little time for you.

I really really want three kids but I've had two horrific pregnancies... So I feel you OP. Feel so conflicted

You're 22, you don't need to decide now. If it really matters to you work out what you'd need to make it happen and work towards that.

What do you mean “posters who make comments like this…” ?? , I was trying to help with a future perspective, not suggest you go on and on to have children. I think you know your answer and so you’re just seeking validation here. Don’t be mean to people who have bothered to help.

I'm not trying to be mean but I feel some people's comments were quite harsh when I know that a 3rd would eventually grow up. I wouldn't just keep popping out baby's that i wouldn't be able to afford/mentally care for.

Thank you, this is really eye opening, definitely taking all this on board. I think you forget about when you go out for meals/takeaways eventually your children won't want a kids meal and your stuck paying for 3 adult meals ontop of your own.

My three are all sporty, which is great, but means they all need lifts to training and matches. Sometimes there are three matches in three different places and DH and I have to juggle. As @Fourpawsblack says, it's a lot!

If you have a third what’s going to stop you feeling like this again and wanting a fourth?

Money. You can't raise a child successfully without money.
Parents need to realistically know what they can and cannot afford. Otherwise parents will feel bad about bringing children into the world when they know they are struggling to provide for.
Nobody should actively choose to be poor

Exactly as another poster said, money. Would never bring a child into the world that we couldn't afford that's just silly and irresponsible.

Wanted 3, that was mainly hormonal and heart. Have 2 and it was the best decision ever. We would need to be wealthy to do it, just to pay for sports/ clubs and food alone. A pp said that it was becoming unfashionable to have a big family. The truth is people have more stress, work more, and are overstretched than ever and of course cost of living, so of course people are going to only to be able to have small families.
I feel like I should be spending more time with the two I have. I’d hate to throw in a third, the guilt would be through the roof

Completely agree with what you are saying and appreciate your input alot!
I'm glad I posted this, it's really eye opening actually and made me realise I do think it's hormonal/my heart.