Scared that if I dont have a 3rd I will regret it?

[Mum84762002]

Does anyone have two children and have the urge to have a 3rd but don't feel like they can do pregnancy or give their everything to three children?
I have two wonderful girls, 1 and 3 and I love them with all my heart but I do find motherhood a struggle. At the same time though I have these conflicting thoughts of all the milestones with my 1 year old being my last and it honestly breaks my heart, sometimes it's all I can think about. At the same time though the thought of pregnancy (mainly the symptoms) freaks me out! But at the same time I loved finding out the genders/scans/midwife appointment etc. The newborn bubble, birth, I just loved it and the thought of never doing it again and closing the chapter really upsets me.
If you feel like this or did feel like this what did you do?
How do you feel now?
I haven't experienced primary school age/teenage ages so I don't know if in the future I'd be glad i didn't go ahead with a 3rd or regret not going ahead with a 3rd. I guess what is scary aswell is we'd have to move, get a new car etc its a big jump from going to 2 to 3 I feel.
Any opinions or thoughts would be helpful ❤️

There was a survey here on MN a few years back asking people who'd had three or more whether they wished they'd stopped at two, and the Yes vote was really high - over 80% IIRC.

Feel the same as you OP.

But at the moment my brain is telling me not to wobble the boat with a 3rd or even the idea of a third baby/child. Simply put having a 2nd child put a lot of strain on us as husband and wife. So the idea of a third and reliving arguments and difficulties just doesnt make sense to do. Not too mention at the moment we are really strapped for cash and have been for about a year. We have the space ironically but i just don't have the patience right now to manage alone. I'm going to see how things go next year when DC1 starts reception and DC2 starts nursery before thinking about it seriously again.

If you have support nearby and not really stuck for money then maybe make a list of pros and cons?

It would be completely irresponsible to create a third human being because you’re sad about not having a baby any more, and in case you regretted it later than you hadn’t.

How financially independent are you? I notice you are not married

You do realise as well that when your third is no longer a newborn you'll be back in the same quandary?

I would have rather regretted not having one, than regretted having no. 3!

If you struggle with 2, what makes you think a third is necessary?

(I say that as someone who definitely stopped after 2. I always maintain that we were given two hands for a reason... I'm 57 now, and still get a twinge when I see a tiny baby, but I really don't regret stopping at 2).

I was utterly desperate for more and knew I wasn't done at 2. But then I again I absolutely love being a mother and don't find it a struggle and things like financial constraints are not an issue for us.

Currently pregnant with third.

He had anxiety @Mum84762002 and it was a tricky end to Primary school - he is getting better now but it was a hard slog and needed a lot of my time.
it may be mine but I have found mine need me more than ever now at High School to be there for them to spend time with them (this Easter is GCSE time for DD and she needs time away from revision so we have been doing day trips together shopping etc

I can balance the needs of the two of them with my needs as can my DH (and spent some time together) plus both working - anything else would be too much at the detriment of the two I have

3 is a lot. Mine are all at primary school now. I am not as good a parent as if I only had 2. Even on a logistical level when all 3 need to be at different parties/clubs/schools , there are only 2 parents. However I also love my little gang and when every one is happy it's fabulous.

Reading your messages you are sad at the end of a life stage rather than wanting another child. That's normal and I identify with that . I don't want another child but have little pangs of emotion when I reminisce about pushing a newborn in a pram on a sunny day (but then I remember the tiredness!!).

Each year that they grow up we live life a bit differently and I still love them just as much and we have fun but in a different way. They are better company as they get a little older. I try to focus on the positives of them getting to a new stage rather than what is being left behind.

It’s a very personal decision and nobody can tell you what to do.
We stopped after 2 mostly for practical reasons- we bought a 3 bed when youngest was 18m, would have needed to buy a bigger car, more financial pressure (forever not just short term). Also I had bad PGP with both pregnancies and didn’t fancy doing it again with 2 DC to look after. Also considerations like what if I have complications, or there’s something wrong with the baby and do I need to risk putting the DC I have through that.
I’m one of 3 and while it was lovely a family of 4 is a much easier number for things like holidays and eating out - especially if you have 2 of the same sex and they can share a room!
At the end of the day I think I also just never felt broody enough to do it so I do understand that sometimes that feeling is overwhelming.
My DDs are 13 & 10 now and I’ve never regretted not having a 3rd.

I think it's really important to try and separate the feelings of nostalgia over your younger child's lasts and actually wanting to have another child and be a family of 3. If you find things a struggle than adding another child will make it harder and there are lots of practical considerations to more than 2. This needs to be a head decision not a heart one.

I think this is a bad idea. You say that you’re stressed and struggle with two. You love the pregnancy and newborn phase but that’s just a fleeting moment in time really. Think about how stressful juggling 3 pre schoolers will be, then 3 at primary/senior with all of their different interests, the cost etc.

I would prioritise the two you already have.

You've answered your own question. Don't do it.

This is not necessarily true. I really struggled as my second child passed all their baby and toddler milestones because I desperately wanted more. We had a third who is now 5, and I have finally understood people who say they feel relieved/pleased to leave the baby and young child stage, because I know I am done. If you'd asked me six years ago I would have said I'd like 4, but once my third arrived I felt ready to stop. Everyone is different.

I have three (all late teen/at uni now) and in our case there wasn't anyone "left out". I don't think that always happens and is no reason to have an even number of children.

I'm glad I have three, but I was able to stay at home with them, no financial problems or health problems. Even so I did find the first year of having three pretty hard.

I also felt "done" after the third and never thought for a second about having another one.

Surely you can see that feeling sentimental about something doesn't mean someone needs therapy even if you wouldn't feel sentimental about that thing? Not sure why you and some posters seem to be trying to make the OP feel like she's got a problem when she's just working through a pretty normal set of thoughts and feelings.

I commiserate OP, have similar aged children and my pining for a 3rd is a pretty constant in my mind. I have a "felt" sense that I'm "supposed" to have 3, but what actually is that? Maybe because I'm one of 3? The reality is my very real, present children who I love would give up too much given our current circumstances.

I also understand the feelings about no longer having a pram! Such a symbol of a specific stage of life. I've just given away our newborn baby bits and honestly it's been fine - it really helped me to consider that I've spent my whole life, since childhood, conscious of having babies ahead of me, and suddenly that's no longer the case. Of course that's a loss and something to adjust to.

(thank you to the contributors up thread talking about the demands of parenting older children - that's personally helped me a little with my feelings about sticking with 2).

@Mum84762002 I would say give yourself time, if you can.

I have three and at the stage you are at I was going through a lot of the same thoughts - sad at the passing of stages, wishing for another, But also struggling. 1 and 3 is a very hard stage, physically and mentally.

DH and I weren't sure we could cope with more, we agreed to leave it and discuss again in a year. Then another year. Eventually we had a third, which was the right decision for us. And the time meant I had processed much of the 'baby grief', so it was a decision made by me and DH for our family not for my feelings, if that makes sense.

I found things a lot easier with a bigger age gap - something which many on Mumsnet feel is wrong/unfair. But it has so far been right for us, and it was good for me and my siblings. There are challenges with three - logistics, mostly, and how to balance everyone's emotional needs. But I feel I am more confident as a mother so it balances out. My DH and I have always had a strong marriage, we love being a team amid the chaos of family life even when we find the logistics tough.

It's helpful to share your feelings with strangers as you can talk openly etc. But really we are all strangers and we don't know what is right for you. What you are feeling is normal and valid,but whatever happens, You don't have to decide right now what your family will look like for ever.

If you already find it a struggle, it seems wise to stop or wait a bit longer. It's easier with longer age gaps.

I’m feeling like this now so following!

Do not be thinking about babies! Think tweens and teens, endless clubs, endless taxiing, endless friends in and out your house, endless food delivery requests, endless birthdays, endless clothes, endless costs etc etc. Do you want all of that?

I have three and love it and current tween/teen stage is more natural for me than toddlers and younger kids but it is a lot to manage and hold in your head alongside work.

Can you wait a while? We had 2 years between 1 and 2, then 3.5 years between 2 and 3. I don't regret a smaller gap first time round, but the bigger gap has been far easier.

No jealousy from no. 1, having an older child to bounce off of (in terms of conversations, interests, level of independence). Plus I got to really enjoy mat leave with the baby as I didn't have a very crabby, jealous toddler plus lockdown to contend with.

Most people on here who've gone through your situation and stuck at 2, always seem glad to have done so. I can't recall many people saying they wish they had gone ahead with a 3rd.

Oh yes, this too - having slightly older kids means I felt less in the thick of it with number 3 and am a far more confident mum this time round. I still felt like a rookie when no. 2 arrived.

This wasn't true for me. No desire for a 4th and I'm fact we have taken steps to make this an irreversible decision!

I'm currently in this position and feeling conflicted about what to do.
I have 3 children - DS7, DD3 and a DD who was still born between the 2.
I always imagined 3 children but can not get my head around if that is 3 children total or 3 living children (sorry if my phasing upset anyone not sure how else to describe it).

For now we have opted to stick with 3 with the option still there for number 4 if when DS3 starts school we still have the urge for another. You don't have to take another off the table just yet...My DH has a 8 year younger sister as his parents choose to try again alot later. We also have several friends who had had 3rd when they eldest's are between 6-8 years old.

Main factors are:

1. We'd need to move - no option for another bedroom in our house
2. Our DC's would have to sacrifice some things which I'm not currently willing to do. DS has a heavy weekly activity schedule (his choice) and loves it. It' also hard to split at weekends for activities when its 3 DC on 2 adults. Which child would miss out?
3. I hate / hated pregnancy. I've been through alot on my pregnancy journey and for me personally I would need to be mentally prepared for that again. Right now I'm not there. Maybe in a few years tho it might be different
4. If we had another, my DH would be 58 by the time they went to university/whatever they chose to do (aged 18) .....this is a selfish one but do we want children still at home when we are approaching 60 and planning retirement.