Page 3 | Scared that if I dont have a 3rd I will regret it?

Mum84762002 · 2025-04-15T16:34:12+00:00

Does anyone have two children and have the urge to have a 3rd but don't feel like they can do pregnancy or give their everything to three children? I have two wonderful girls, 1 and 3 and I love them with all my heart but I do find motherhood a struggle. At the same time though I have these conflicting thoughts of all the milestones with my 1 year old being my last and it honestly breaks my heart, sometimes it's all I can think about. At the same time though the thought of pregnancy (mainly the symptoms) freaks me out! But at the same time I loved finding out the genders/scans/midwife appointment etc. The newborn bubble, birth, I just loved it and the thought of never doing it again and closing the chapter really upsets me. If you feel like this or did feel like this what did you do? How do you feel now? I haven't experienced primary school age/teenage ages so I don't know if in the future I'd be glad i didn't go ahead with a 3rd or regret not going ahead with a 3rd. I guess what is scary aswell is we'd have to move, get a new car etc its a big jump from going to 2 to 3 I feel. Any opinions or thoughts would be helpful ❤️

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Doyouknowdanieltiger · 17/04/2025 12:23

Your girls are still very young. Maybe wait til the youngest is in school? Then you'd have more time with them. Plus your girls already have each other to play and grow up with so there'd be less friction between them all.

Are you hoping for a boy?

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Mum84762002 · 17/04/2025 12:24

Paintandpots · 16/04/2025 23:13

Feel the same as you OP.

But at the moment my brain is telling me not to wobble the boat with a 3rd or even the idea of a third baby/child. Simply put having a 2nd child put a lot of strain on us as husband and wife. So the idea of a third and reliving arguments and difficulties just doesnt make sense to do. Not too mention at the moment we are really strapped for cash and have been for about a year. We have the space ironically but i just don't have the patience right now to manage alone. I'm going to see how things go next year when DC1 starts reception and DC2 starts nursery before thinking about it seriously again.

If you have support nearby and not really stuck for money then maybe make a list of pros and cons?

Thank you for your honesty !
This sounds very similar to us, just not sure if we want to rock the boat at all.
I think we will wait till my youngest starts preschool next year in March 2026.
Some are saying it's maybe hormone related and I think that's true sometimes as I have said if I am ever late I'm dreading a positive test. Whereas with my two girls I hoped and prayed for them and was so happy about positive tests with them.

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Mum84762002 · 17/04/2025 12:27

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 17/04/2025 10:02

3 is a lot. Mine are all at primary school now. I am not as good a parent as if I only had 2. Even on a logistical level when all 3 need to be at different parties/clubs/schools , there are only 2 parents. However I also love my little gang and when every one is happy it's fabulous.

Reading your messages you are sad at the end of a life stage rather than wanting another child. That's normal and I identify with that . I don't want another child but have little pangs of emotion when I reminisce about pushing a newborn in a pram on a sunny day (but then I remember the tiredness!!).

Each year that they grow up we live life a bit differently and I still love them just as much and we have fun but in a different way. They are better company as they get a little older. I try to focus on the positives of them getting to a new stage rather than what is being left behind.

Thank you, I think you are completely right. Its sad about closing a chapter and I think I would be irresponsible going ahead with a 3rd when I do SOMETIMES (as I feel I have to be very careful with what I say on here) struggle. Good days and bad days but good definitely outweigh the bad of course.

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Mum84762002 · 17/04/2025 12:28

Tiswa · 17/04/2025 10:00

He had anxiety @Mum84762002 and it was a tricky end to Primary school - he is getting better now but it was a hard slog and needed a lot of my time.
it may be mine but I have found mine need me more than ever now at High School to be there for them to spend time with them (this Easter is GCSE time for DD and she needs time away from revision so we have been doing day trips together shopping etc

I can balance the needs of the two of them with my needs as can my DH (and spent some time together) plus both working - anything else would be too much at the detriment of the two I have

I'm very sorry to hear this, I am glad that hes doing better.
This is very eye opening, i really don't know what's to come so I shouldn't over stretch myself.

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SilverButton · 17/04/2025 12:29

I have three DC. I wouldn't say I regret it exactly but I found the early days really hard. DC3 was a terrible sleeper and a really tricky toddler - much harder than the older two. Now they're all teens which is also difficult at times! If you're not sure I'd say probably better to stop at two.

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Mum84762002 · 17/04/2025 12:30

user2848502016 · 17/04/2025 10:03

It’s a very personal decision and nobody can tell you what to do.
We stopped after 2 mostly for practical reasons- we bought a 3 bed when youngest was 18m, would have needed to buy a bigger car, more financial pressure (forever not just short term). Also I had bad PGP with both pregnancies and didn’t fancy doing it again with 2 DC to look after. Also considerations like what if I have complications, or there’s something wrong with the baby and do I need to risk putting the DC I have through that.
I’m one of 3 and while it was lovely a family of 4 is a much easier number for things like holidays and eating out - especially if you have 2 of the same sex and they can share a room!
At the end of the day I think I also just never felt broody enough to do it so I do understand that sometimes that feeling is overwhelming.
My DDs are 13 & 10 now and I’ve never regretted not having a 3rd.

Thank you, you are definitely right, they can share and if we ever needed them not to share we can also make that happen easily with our house.
I generally think I just get hormonal about a chapter closing in my life and moving onto the next stage.

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Mum84762002 · 17/04/2025 12:30

WhatNoRaisins · 17/04/2025 10:03

I think it's really important to try and separate the feelings of nostalgia over your younger child's lasts and actually wanting to have another child and be a family of 3. If you find things a struggle than adding another child will make it harder and there are lots of practical considerations to more than 2. This needs to be a head decision not a heart one.

100%, completely right.

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Original poster

Mum84762002 · 17/04/2025 12:31

ArseofOrion · 17/04/2025 10:05

I think this is a bad idea. You say that you’re stressed and struggle with two. You love the pregnancy and newborn phase but that’s just a fleeting moment in time really. Think about how stressful juggling 3 pre schoolers will be, then 3 at primary/senior with all of their different interests, the cost etc.

I would prioritise the two you already have.

Definitely, I think I'm just hormonal. I feel stupid even reading back my post, I know two is better for our family dynamic, I think I just wanted someone to relate to.

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Mum84762002 · 17/04/2025 12:39

Squarestones · 17/04/2025 10:28

Surely you can see that feeling sentimental about something doesn't mean someone needs therapy even if you wouldn't feel sentimental about that thing? Not sure why you and some posters seem to be trying to make the OP feel like she's got a problem when she's just working through a pretty normal set of thoughts and feelings.

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I take things so personal aswell which doesn't help. I generally thought this was normal to feel like this, I just wondered if anyone felt the same and what they ultimately decided to do about it. I do think it would be sensible to stick at two. I'm surprised that so many have took me struggling sometimes so personally, all I meant is that their are good and bad days, good outweigh the bad though obviously

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Mum84762002 · 17/04/2025 12:41

Burpcloth · 17/04/2025 10:38

I commiserate OP, have similar aged children and my pining for a 3rd is a pretty constant in my mind. I have a "felt" sense that I'm "supposed" to have 3, but what actually is that? Maybe because I'm one of 3? The reality is my very real, present children who I love would give up too much given our current circumstances.

I also understand the feelings about no longer having a pram! Such a symbol of a specific stage of life. I've just given away our newborn baby bits and honestly it's been fine - it really helped me to consider that I've spent my whole life, since childhood, conscious of having babies ahead of me, and suddenly that's no longer the case. Of course that's a loss and something to adjust to.

(thank you to the contributors up thread talking about the demands of parenting older children - that's personally helped me a little with my feelings about sticking with 2).

110%, I'm also thankful about the posters explaining how difficult older stages can be. Exactly what I wanted from my original post really, as much as I long for a 3rd sometimes ultimately I know its sensible for me, my relationship and my earth side children that we stick at 2.

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Mum84762002 · 17/04/2025 12:44

Squarestones · 17/04/2025 10:39

@Mum84762002 I would say give yourself time, if you can.

I have three and at the stage you are at I was going through a lot of the same thoughts - sad at the passing of stages, wishing for another, But also struggling. 1 and 3 is a very hard stage, physically and mentally.

DH and I weren't sure we could cope with more, we agreed to leave it and discuss again in a year. Then another year. Eventually we had a third, which was the right decision for us. And the time meant I had processed much of the 'baby grief', so it was a decision made by me and DH for our family not for my feelings, if that makes sense.

I found things a lot easier with a bigger age gap - something which many on Mumsnet feel is wrong/unfair. But it has so far been right for us, and it was good for me and my siblings. There are challenges with three - logistics, mostly, and how to balance everyone's emotional needs. But I feel I am more confident as a mother so it balances out. My DH and I have always had a strong marriage, we love being a team amid the chaos of family life even when we find the logistics tough.

It's helpful to share your feelings with strangers as you can talk openly etc. But really we are all strangers and we don't know what is right for you. What you are feeling is normal and valid,but whatever happens, You don't have to decide right now what your family will look like for ever.

Thank you, sometimes it's worrying as I feel I'm running out of time? Which actually that's silly as I'm 22.
I know for us deep down we will probably stick at 2 as I feel my fiance and I can give them everything and more. Whereas with three I feel financially we wouldn't be able to give them the more part.

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flutterby1 · 17/04/2025 12:45

You said, you are sad that this chapter is closing so you have another one …. And then babyhood chapter closes for that child too. Now y it re left with the logistics and finances for 3 older children

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Mum84762002 · 17/04/2025 12:45

Shambles123 · 17/04/2025 12:00

Do not be thinking about babies! Think tweens and teens, endless clubs, endless taxiing, endless friends in and out your house, endless food delivery requests, endless birthdays, endless clothes, endless costs etc etc. Do you want all of that?

I have three and love it and current tween/teen stage is more natural for me than toddlers and younger kids but it is a lot to manage and hold in your head alongside work.

Your right, I generally think I'm just hormonal and stopping at 2 is the most sensible thing to do as I can give them everything and more!

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Mum84762002 · 17/04/2025 12:49

SJM1988 · 17/04/2025 12:14

I'm currently in this position and feeling conflicted about what to do.
I have 3 children - DS7, DD3 and a DD who was still born between the 2.
I always imagined 3 children but can not get my head around if that is 3 children total or 3 living children (sorry if my phasing upset anyone not sure how else to describe it).

For now we have opted to stick with 3 with the option still there for number 4 if when DS3 starts school we still have the urge for another. You don't have to take another off the table just yet...My DH has a 8 year younger sister as his parents choose to try again alot later. We also have several friends who had had 3rd when they eldest's are between 6-8 years old.

Main factors are:

We'd need to move - no option for another bedroom in our house
Our DC's would have to sacrifice some things which I'm not currently willing to do. DS has a heavy weekly activity schedule (his choice) and loves it. It' also hard to split at weekends for activities when its 3 DC on 2 adults. Which child would miss out?
I hate / hated pregnancy. I've been through alot on my pregnancy journey and for me personally I would need to be mentally prepared for that again. Right now I'm not there. Maybe in a few years tho it might be different
If we had another, my DH would be 58 by the time they went to university/whatever they chose to do (aged 18) .....this is a selfish one but do we want children still at home when we are approaching 60 and planning retirement.

I am so sorry for your loss. Seems like you have alot of factors to consider, similar to me. I really hope you manage to come to a final decision on what you want to do. All the best lovely.

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Mum84762002 · 17/04/2025 12:51

flutterby1 · 17/04/2025 12:45

You said, you are sad that this chapter is closing so you have another one …. And then babyhood chapter closes for that child too. Now y it re left with the logistics and finances for 3 older children

Posters who make comments like this seem to not understand what I meant. Of course I know that the 3rd would grow and not be a baby for very long, I certainly wouldn't be going for a 4th as we wouldn't be able to afford a 4th. A 3rd we can but it would take away a bit from my 1st and 2nd so I'm 75% sure we will stop at 2.

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SlagPit · 17/04/2025 12:51

You'd be very silly to create a whole new person because you like having scans and using a pram. Come on.

Focus on the children you have and making their lives as rich and full as you can.

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Mum84762002 · 17/04/2025 12:52

SlagPit · 17/04/2025 12:51

You'd be very silly to create a whole new person because you like having scans and using a pram. Come on.

Focus on the children you have and making their lives as rich and full as you can.

Do you really think that's the only reason I'd have another baby? Come on now...

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SlagPit · 17/04/2025 12:52

Oh, and get married. If you don't work and are relying on your fiancé you're in a very vulnerable position financially.

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Mum84762002 · 17/04/2025 12:53

SlagPit · 17/04/2025 12:52

Oh, and get married. If you don't work and are relying on your fiancé you're in a very vulnerable position financially.

We don't want a big wedding anyways and our plans are already in place... we'd rather spend money on our honeymoon.

Thank you...

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pearbottomjeans · 17/04/2025 12:54

OP I was a bit like you and it’s hard because both options are good. Does that sound right to you? We went for number 3 and it’s brilliant! I found 2 a bit boring and cookie cutter but would have been lovely and simple. 3 is a lot more work than 2 though!

Neodymium · 17/04/2025 12:57

I have 3 but sometimes wish I had 2 - but it would be the younger 2. My oldest is such hard work.

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Mum84762002 · 17/04/2025 13:05

pearbottomjeans · 17/04/2025 12:54

OP I was a bit like you and it’s hard because both options are good. Does that sound right to you? We went for number 3 and it’s brilliant! I found 2 a bit boring and cookie cutter but would have been lovely and simple. 3 is a lot more work than 2 though!

Exactly, both options aren't bad in my opinion I think that's the problem. Staying at 2 would have its pros though

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JudesBiggestFan · 17/04/2025 13:11

I find people are so weird on this board about three kids! I had two boys, a biggish gap and then a third…they’re now 16, 13 and 7. I’m currently sitting out in the sun with my littlest having been to feed the ducks at the local park. My eldest is at home revising, my middle one is out for a walk with his grandad. No drama. We’re off for a week’s holiday to Spain all five of us on Monday and I couldn’t be any more excited…we love our holidays together. I’m always busy, but I work full time and have done for four years…prior to that I did four days. My husband is full time too. Together we earn just over 100k…needed to maintain a decent lifestyle for all of us. We moved to a bigger house when our youngest was two and we had to have a bigger car, but we’ve always been really motivated to work hard to provide the kids with what they need. My three do all get on…the thing I like best is all the possible dynamics and the fun they have together. Watching my eldest coach the youngest at cricket melts my heart. I genuinely think parenting is sometimes painted as such an ordeal and of course it is tough at times. But it’s also fun and rewarding and absorbing in a way that nothing else is. I love my job, but I’ve been made redundant enough times to know it’s not the meaning of life…it’s just how I pay the bills.
What my kids lose in my focused attention with us having three, they gain in sibling relationships…and let’s be honest, their brothers are likely to be around longer than I am in the end. My husband is an amazing dad and we’re a team…the kids are our life’s work and not for a second do we regret having a third. He’s the glue that binds us…he’s the only way I’d get my teens to do an Easter egg hunt this weekend, that’s for sure! Make your own decision, but I just wanted to give a more optimistic view of life with three! As long as you are aware that financially it’s tougher and are happy to embrace a certain level of chaos, then I’d say go for it!

RampantIvy · 17/04/2025 13:15

JudesBiggestFan · 17/04/2025 13:11

I find people are so weird on this board about three kids! I had two boys, a biggish gap and then a third…they’re now 16, 13 and 7. I’m currently sitting out in the sun with my littlest having been to feed the ducks at the local park. My eldest is at home revising, my middle one is out for a walk with his grandad. No drama. We’re off for a week’s holiday to Spain all five of us on Monday and I couldn’t be any more excited…we love our holidays together. I’m always busy, but I work full time and have done for four years…prior to that I did four days. My husband is full time too. Together we earn just over 100k…needed to maintain a decent lifestyle for all of us. We moved to a bigger house when our youngest was two and we had to have a bigger car, but we’ve always been really motivated to work hard to provide the kids with what they need. My three do all get on…the thing I like best is all the possible dynamics and the fun they have together. Watching my eldest coach the youngest at cricket melts my heart. I genuinely think parenting is sometimes painted as such an ordeal and of course it is tough at times. But it’s also fun and rewarding and absorbing in a way that nothing else is. I love my job, but I’ve been made redundant enough times to know it’s not the meaning of life…it’s just how I pay the bills.
What my kids lose in my focused attention with us having three, they gain in sibling relationships…and let’s be honest, their brothers are likely to be around longer than I am in the end. My husband is an amazing dad and we’re a team…the kids are our life’s work and not for a second do we regret having a third. He’s the glue that binds us…he’s the only way I’d get my teens to do an Easter egg hunt this weekend, that’s for sure! Make your own decision, but I just wanted to give a more optimistic view of life with three! As long as you are aware that financially it’s tougher and are happy to embrace a certain level of chaos, then I’d say go for it!

I suspect that those advising against three have either found it tougher as the children have got older, have underestimated how expensive , stressful and needy teenagers are or just dislike living in chaos and the extra drudgery that having extra children involves.

Some women thrive on it. I would hate it.

JudesBiggestFan · 17/04/2025 13:28

RampantIvy · 17/04/2025 13:15

I suspect that those advising against three have either found it tougher as the children have got older, have underestimated how expensive , stressful and needy teenagers are or just dislike living in chaos and the extra drudgery that having extra children involves.

Some women thrive on it. I would hate it.

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Yeah I get that. It’s a bit how I am with dogs…I just cannot see the appeal! But with the kids, I find it more rewarding with every year that passes. I am a really hard worker though…the kind of person that loves multitasking and I’m highly sociable too so I love the busy house and all the social life that comes with clubs and classes. It is hard worker though but I never see it as drudgery…trying to bring up three healthy, happy, well rounded men who contribute to society feels like the most important thing I will ever do. I know it’s a bit under valued and it’s become deeply unfashionable to have a big family, but I genuinely love it. And I still work, I still travel, I still have really close friendships and lots of hobbies. It’s all still possible, you jsut need lots of energy!

Scared that if I dont have a 3rd I will regret it?

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