Keeping kids as babies

[daydreamer45]

Hi, I am probably being unreasonable here but I'm interested in other opinions. My daughter has a 13 month old little girl, she is beautiful. We see her regularly and have done some daytime babysitting but nothing overnight - absolutely fine by us. My issue is that the baby is only ever dressed in sleepsuits, she's been in an outfit maybe a handful of times ever. I appreciate that they are comfy and easy to change nappies etc but it seems a bit odd. They will happily take her to groups, walks, visits to the pub in a sleepsuit. She always has a sleepsuit on when she comes here, often the one she has worn at nighttime too. She is also only fed premade baby food so packets, jars, puffs, never any home cooked food. I have gently suggested trying her on meals (obviously made without salt & sugar) but they feel she is fine on jars. She is often constipated and is constantly taking movicol. She also still sleeps in the room with Mum & Dad and wakes up a lot. Her daytime naps are always in arms or on the sofa so she only gets around 30 minutes a time, at my house she is in a travel cot in a dark room and naps for 1.5-2 hours at a time which makes her much perkier for the rest of the day. She isn't crawling yet and always has everything she wants close at hand so no need to reach for things. Is this absolutely normal or is my daughter trying to keep her as a baby? I have a good relationship with her and so far haven't said anything (other than the food suggestions) as I appreciate it's her baby and it's her choice on how to bring her up.

You are not being unreasonable. I'd be really worried if I was you.

The sleepsuits don't seem like a big issue to me, not the naps. The food is a bit lazy and won't be developing her chewing ability which has implications for speech development.

Not crawling by 13 months is unusual; does the baby get opportunities to play on a mat or is she always in a high chair?

I have a 12 month and in my opinion you are not being unreasonable. I can sort of understand the sleepsuit thing as they are so handy and comfy but I take my daughter out of them during the day as I think having feet covered can restrict learning to crawl.

I think it is especially important that she is introduced to different types of foods and textures and allergens e.g. egg and peanut. My daughter has a few allergies so we have a team working with us and the doctors have stressed that we need to introduce all allergens before 12 months.

As for the napping, perhaps they just enjoy the contact naps or got stuck in the habit of doing them as they worked well initially? I think it's sometimes hard to recognize as a parent how quickly babies change and their needs evolve so I have often kept doing something longer than necessary (e.g using a baby monitor/helping baby with cutlery) simply out of habit. Is there a way you could have a very gentle chat with your daughter about some of this--she just may not have thought about some of these things?

YANBU about everything except the sleep suits. Sleepsuits are so much easier then clothes, warmer and more comfy for the baby. Mine wore them until about 18months. Do they interact with any other parents and babies to know the other aspect aren't 'normal' or particularly good? She's either clueless or lazy, I don't think it's anything about keeping a baby

I think you need to gently point this stuff out to your daughter. They need to move things ahead. I agree about the sleep suits not being suitable for crawling/ moving around.
If it was one or two of the things you mentioned, that would be different, but overall it doesn’t seem right at all.
Does your daughter go to baby groups or anything where she has seen what other babies of similar age are like?

They do go to a couple of groups and she has commented that all the other babies are crawling or walking now. GD does play on the floor but in a ball pit so things can't roll away, the baby gets frustrated and cries if she can't reach things and my daughter hates it when she gets upset for even a minute. I am obviously from a different generation and when mine were babies we were encouraged to have a "routine" which probably is a bit old fashioned now. They were up, bottle, breakfast, washed & dressed then on with the day. I do find that my daughter is out a lot, she prefers a coffee shop to staying at home so I think the packets of baby food are easier to use. The napping is definitely a habit, if they are here and I suggest the cot she will say "oh baby loves a Nanny hug" but it means that the slightest thing disturbs her. With regards to speech, there is chatter but no dadada, bababa as yet, is this because of the food she is given? I can't remember when mine spoke but I know they were both on their feet before 1.

First response nails it.

Has the baby had their 1 year check yet? Normally the health visitor would be assessing things, and not crawling (presume they can roll over) and not babbling would be picked up. Of course it's up to the parents to raise concerns as well.
I think there's a nature Vs nurture element, plus all babies learn in different orders and at different rates.
So it could be that the routine (or lack) is holding back the child. Or it could be the lack of ability is causing the routine issues.
I think some of the stuff is just personal preference, a lot of it isn't ideal especially the food thing, but the sleep and clothing is probably neither here nor there.
You could always discuss with the health visitor to work out which of your concerns is valid and work on those? Good luck.

These things are so personal. Sleep suits with enclosed toes would be problematic for me as it make crawling tricky, holding to sleep and sleeping in Mum and Dad’s room is fine in my opinion and is very common in many cultures for many years yet. The food and lack of opportunity for movement isn’t OK for me.

100% this. Everything you’ve described is worrying, although to a different degree. The fact that the toddler (!) is not crawling yet is a biggest red flag. Would be good to check the baby out (HV or GP).

Sleep suits are fab, I think I moved to play suits (the same but without the feet) for daytimes. My eldest failed to crawl but went straight to walking. I do think as he was pandered to as a pfb he had no need to move, absolutely fine now though.

I think the sleep thing is fine, perfectly ok to contact nap/cosleep. The food thing isn’t good and also probably the lack of crawling should be checked out. Being in a ball pit all the time is possibly restricting little one.

These things seem ok in isolation but altogether the baby seems to be a bit behind. Has your daughter seen a health visitor for her 10 month review? They would pick up on the lack of crawling and not reaching for objects etc

A 13 month old isn’t a kid it is a baby becoming a toddler so in that sense YABU. As you are I think about the sleep suits and mine napped similarly at that age.

that said my concern would be the lack of moving and talking. By your criteria I babied mine but both were walking and talking by that age - DD didn’t crawl (neither did I) but was walking like me by 10 months.

the lack of either of those 2 are developmental red flags

All sounds a bit mad to me and doing the child no favours. There’s a world of tastes and textures to explore, why would she want to hold her baby back? How does she get anything done if the baby only sleeps on her? I’d be worried at not crawling and it’s sheer laziness not putting proper clothes on. It isn’t hard to put some leggings and a top on or some dungarees.

I know people like this who try to keep their kids young forever and it’s to do with feeling needed.

For those saying that crawling is worrying, it has recently been removed from the milestones as it’s such and unreliable indication.

Id be worried about your DD too though. Do you think she may be feeling a bit overwhelmed? Tiredness can be awful but if she’s always out and not nothing to feed your DGD properly she may he genuinely struggling.

Has your DGD had her 12 month check yet? The assessment is here and tells you roughly what baby should be doing although it’s unusual for babies to score white in every area, most will score grey in 2 areas.

Pick your battles to comment on. I'd leave the sleepsuits and her sleeping on them alone because in the grand scheme of things, it isn't a big deal but I'd be concerned about her not eating proper food at this age.

She might skip crawling. Does she bum shuffle or get around in any other way?

If she wants sleepsuits I would recommend using something like bonds wondersuits where you can uncover the feet. It’s really important babies can feel the world through the feet developmentally (I can’t find the words to explain why but I’m sure some googling will tell you).
Is she nervous of choking? Or given another reason not to just give baby normal food? Even some banana or cucumber for practice.

I think the only thing really is the food in that she should be having more finger food type stuff. Crawling she might skip and go straight to walking.

Sleeping in parents bedroom is completely normal, so are contact naps and not having a set routine. Some of that is just generational or the parents own choice.

Sleepsuits doesn't really seem a big deal, especially if she has bare feet like pp have said.

Sleepsuits - not the end of the world, but maybe you could buy her some footless ones to help encourage moving. M&S had some nice ones. It's important for babies to have bare feet on the ground to learn about their balance and things. There's also an online shop called The Little Sock Co that makes baby socks with rubber patterns on the soles for gripping, which are really nice. There are some lovely toddler outfits though so it's a shame she isn't making the most of them!

Not crawling - as pp have said, it isnt a milestone anymore. DD1 never crawled (she did a sort of army commando style with her elbows on her tummy to get around), walked at 19m and recently diagnosed as possible hypermobile by the physio, whereas DD2 is already cruising at 12m. But in combo with the ball pit and the sleepsuits, it might be good for her to have some more floor time with practice at trying to reach things. I just pop DD2 in the middle of the lounge with some toys around her and let her explore a bit.

Co sleeping / sleeping in mum and dads room - absolutely fine. We still do this at 12m. As long as everyone is happy, then not a problem.

Food - I'm a bit guilty of this, especially since I went back to work, but it could also be a time / confidence thing. Could you maybe buy her a baby cookbook? I have What Mummy Makes and there are some lovely fingers food recipes in there. I would love if my DM offered to watch DDs for an hour so I could get some batch cooking done in the kitchen.

Does the baby go to nursery? If so, some of this stuff will start to come through at nursery as they will also encourage her to move / stand etc. Has the HV been recently?

13 months old is still little, I was expecting an older child from your title. I think contact napping and sleeping in parents room is fine at that age.

Is she having fresh fruit&veg as well as the packaged baby food? If not, I'd be concerned.

Are you sure she doesn't crawl at all? My son was quite lazy crawling, he could do it but he just wouldn't bother if he had a few toys near him...he also didn't walk until 16 months. Our daughter on the other hand was a speedy crawler and walked at 12 months. I'd only be worried if she was being contained for a lot of the time and doesn't have opportunities to move around.

It is borderline neglect.
Toddlers need stimulations and proper food. I 'm not bothered what babies and toddlers wear from the pov of what they look like, but having their feet trapped in like that all the time at 13months isn't good. Not encouraging them to reach and develop skills to move is also not good. Not giving them different textures to eat is not good. No babble or chatter would make me wonder how much anyone sings to them or reads to them or talks to them and points things out.

I'm not a parent so no idea about the sleep suits and naps and so on, but I do know that I'd be concerned if a one-year-old wasn't crawling or eating anything other than pureed stuff in jars.

The only thing that would really concern me here is the food. It sounds a poor diet to only have those things.

The not crawling is more of thing to keep an eye on, I had a family member that just sat there until 14 months and then went straight to walking.

The sleepsuits aren't a big deal, they might switch to separates when the child starts walking and they want them to have shoes.

Personally I never stressed too much about naps on the logic that they grow out of napping anyway. I get importance of good habits for eating and exercise or night time sleep as they are things you have to live with long term.

I think my point here is pick your battles.

Baby - and at 13 months she is still a baby - doesn’t care whether she’s in an ‘outfit’
or not - that’s a purely adult concern. The way you describe it (taking her out to groups and to the pub) suggests that you might be more worried about what other people think? Ideally her feet would be free for at least part of the day, but that’s really the only consideration here.

Contact naps and sleeping in parents’ bedroom are completely normal and optimal for babies - it’s only in very recent times, and still only in this part of the world, that babies are ever expected to sleep alone.

The food thing isn’t ideal (although do you know for sure that she never gets anything else at home?). At least with puffs she will develop the ability to pick something up and feed herself, but it would be better if she was exposed to more textures. However, unless taken to extremes this is unlikely to have long-term detrimental effects on her development.

I would be very wary of jeopardising what sounds like a good relationship with your daughter by interfering, even if your intentions are good. There’s nothing here that is truly alarming, and she is very likely to take offence at you trying to impose the parenting routines of 30 years ago on her now. Bite your tongue and continue to be a supportive grandmother. And make sure she gets a chance to potter about on the floor when she’s with you.