Keeping kids as babies

[daydreamer45]

Hi, I am probably being unreasonable here but I'm interested in other opinions. My daughter has a 13 month old little girl, she is beautiful. We see her regularly and have done some daytime babysitting but nothing overnight - absolutely fine by us. My issue is that the baby is only ever dressed in sleepsuits, she's been in an outfit maybe a handful of times ever. I appreciate that they are comfy and easy to change nappies etc but it seems a bit odd. They will happily take her to groups, walks, visits to the pub in a sleepsuit. She always has a sleepsuit on when she comes here, often the one she has worn at nighttime too. She is also only fed premade baby food so packets, jars, puffs, never any home cooked food. I have gently suggested trying her on meals (obviously made without salt & sugar) but they feel she is fine on jars. She is often constipated and is constantly taking movicol. She also still sleeps in the room with Mum & Dad and wakes up a lot. Her daytime naps are always in arms or on the sofa so she only gets around 30 minutes a time, at my house she is in a travel cot in a dark room and naps for 1.5-2 hours at a time which makes her much perkier for the rest of the day. She isn't crawling yet and always has everything she wants close at hand so no need to reach for things. Is this absolutely normal or is my daughter trying to keep her as a baby? I have a good relationship with her and so far haven't said anything (other than the food suggestions) as I appreciate it's her baby and it's her choice on how to bring her up.

What does your daughter herself eat?
Is she generally able to look after herself and her home? How old is she?
I think the picture overall is one of someone who is struggling with the basics of parenting. What is her partner like?

When my DS(10) was a baby/toddler I got to know another mum at a playgroup who sounded quite similar to your DD. Her DS was in sleepsuits until nearly 2 years (not footless ones either) and she tried to stop him from walking because she was worried he would fall over. A few of us had to point out that that was normal and the HV would be having words with her if she continued with this. She switched to t-shirts and track pants etc and her DS’ mobility shot up. Also did the toys always within reach and discouraged him from reaching or crawling towards them.

She was also giving purées constantly because she was terrified he would choke, could only change his nappy at home so she would abandon all outings and drive home if he had a #2 to change him, had him sleeping with her and her DH was on the couch for the first three years; at nursery she told them he wasn’t allowed outside in the sunshine at all because she was worried about sunburn (no idea if nursery complied).

The list goes list goes on and on and the HV picked up on something going on with her when her DS was about a year old. It transpired that she had severe anxiety issues and the HV had her go to the GP. It could be that your DD has some degree of anxiety and it’s coming out in how she is bringing up her DD and if so then she really needs help to avoid causing serious developmental issues to her DD.

Lazy parenting. I would have a word.

I don’t think it’s all great parenting no.

Food being all packaged - definitely not okay. There was a really good guardian article last month about how it’s stopping infants developing normal eating.

Sleepsuits - not great. Why can’t they do leggings and tops?!

Contact napping - fine in my books
Rooming in with mum and dad - fine in my books

Crawling - hard to say if this has been caused or baby is just slow to learn: would be good to check with health visitor

Yeah I think this does all seem a bit unusual. I also have a 13 month old so can compare like for like. I do like sleepsuits for newborns as they’re cute but my DD hasn’t worn them outside of bedtime since she was a few weeks old. As PP have said it’s also really important that she learns to chew and explore different textures of food. Things like banana, sweet potato and toast and easy things to start with if she’s feeling nervous. It would also be unusual to not be crawling at that age. Can she sit/stand up? RE the sleep thing, it’s fine for her to be in their room though I personally found we all slept better once she was in her own room as we’re not all waking each other up with every little noise. Contact naps are ok but I like to use nap time in the cot to have a bit of time to myself! It must be quite intense to have her every second of the day. Does your daughter seem happy and relaxed in herself? Just wondering whether she might be finding things difficult or have a bit of anxiety. It is a rollercoaster having a baby of this age! So much changes all the time and so many developmental leaps happening. Does she attend nursery or anything?

I’m assuming you mean sleepsuits.
Having a baby in appropriate clothing for their development is nothing like trying to have them like a doll.
Babies learn through touch with their hands and feet, they can’t do this if their feet are always wrapped in footed babygros. It’s also significantly hardly for a non mobile baby to learn to move if their feet are covered, particularly on wooden or tiled floors as they slip. A baby who already isn’t encouraged to move is going to find it much more difficult in a sleepsuit than a vest and leggings.

The NHS advice is definitely to speak to your GP if they’re not walking by 18 months though.

When you babysit can you encourage them to sit in their own in the floor, without ball pit constraints, and let them crawl? Or help her to stand with support if she seems to want to?

@daydreamer45i think I’d be tempted to buy a set or two of day clothes or even footless sleepsuits and keep them at your house and just change DGD when you’re looking after her. Same with the food. Offer the food DD wants you to but offer some finger foods alongside like cheese on toast, grated cheese, banana or chunks of peeled pear.

Can she sit up on her own or stand up?

One of my DD's didn't crawl, she pretty much went straight to walking at almost 14 months.

I think I still occasionally dressed my daughter in sleepsuits at 13 months. It was January so they were just warmer than leggings. She always got changed into a clean one for daytime though. (She's disabled and still not walking at age 3 so that part I can't comment on - she could roll by that point and got around that way if she wanted to). It wasn't every day though and most of the time her daytime sleepsuits were footless.

Talking : she was actually in hospital somewhere between 13 and 14 months and at that time was only really saying mama. We happened to mention it to a doctor who said it was no problem at that stage and she would soon catch up. By 16 months she could say about 8 words and when she had a developmental check at 23 months she was assessed as being about 4 months ahead for spoken language and 7 months ahead for receptive language.

Sleeping: she only just moved into her own room in decent, shortly before she turned 3. Before that the room was a guest room/office so we needed to find another solution for my partner to work from home. She was in her own bed though, we just had the bed in our room.

The food thing I would be a little concerned about if she's really only having purées. We used the occasional jar for convenience but by the time we got to about the 10+ months ones they were no longer smooth purées but e.g. Spaghetti Bolognese with the spaghetti cut into very small pieces but not puréed, some kind of potato gratin thing with chunks of potato, etc. To be honest at that age she mostly ate soup, bread, croissants,sweet potato, avocado and salmon though. And rarely more than 3-4 bites at one meal. She would hold out all morning at nursery waiting to be breastfed when I picked her up at 2 p.m. 🙈. Now she eats loads at nursery, including things she won't even entertain at home (couscous, raw vegetables).

No issue with a 1yo wearing sleepsuits.
Great that they are cosleeping and contact napping.
Lots of children are on Movicol. Mine was and they have never so much as tried a jar of baby food.
The crawling is fine too.

One thing I've wondered, is your DD scared of her baby choking on food? In my experience as someone who has had babies fairly recently a lot of the guidance feels very fear based and can make mums really anxious.

Thank you for all the replies. Just for info, the sleepsuits are the ones with feet enclosed and no grips. She doesn't cosleep with her in bed, she is in a next to me crib in their room.I am not allowed to buy clothes and change her, the other Grandma did that and it didn't go down well. I also have to give the food she provides for lunch, she is adamant that nothing else is offered in case of allergic reactions. She can sit unaided but has no interest in getting on her feet as yet. We visited them on Saturday and she was eating a 4 month pouch for lunch. Maybe I just need to give her more time?

Where does she turn to for advice?
I have a child with allergies and do get the fear of allergic reactions but the less allergens are in the diet the more likely you are to develop allergies.
It sounds like she is living in fear and might benefit from talking to someone about life as a parent.

The food is a concern but so long as she’s clean theres no problem with wearing sleep suits and she’ll start crawling at some point without encouragement. Much better to keep quiet as she’s not your baby and if DD wants advice she will ask for it and be more likely to listen.

There really is a lot wrong with a world where people describe a baby who has just turned one napping in a parent's arms as strange. Very sad that people would view it that way.

I agree this is concerning. The next to me cribs are only meant to be used for the first 6 months so another red flag that some of the parenting isn’t age appropriate. The food is a big concern- I wonder what her plans are long term and when she’s thinking of introducing food? I absolutely love a baby in sleepsuits and I kept mine in them at nighttime for as long as I could but personally I don’t think that’s right at her age. I can’t imagine many of the other babies at the playgroups etc are wearing sleep suits so this would stand out. Contact naps not so much of an issue, each to their own but if she’s sleeping for a good chunk of time when she’s in the cot at yours and in a better mood, then it suggests it is interfering with her mood and behaviour. Long term this would have an impact on development etc if the baby is permanently lacking sleep.

@daydreamer45 it sounds like you’re doing your best to be as sensitive as you can which is great. The relationship between you and her is just as important as your concerns so you’re doing a great job in that regard.

as other PPs have said I think the outfits are a personal choice however the fact that she doesn’t allow anyone else to change her into a different outfit to me suggests some anxiety - over what I’m not sure. Perhaps you could probe in a non judgemental way. Suggest the sleepsuits with the feet exposed. As others have mentioned there are thousands of nerve endings in the sole of feet which hep with balance and baby understanding position sense so useful for her feet to touch different textures like grass / carpet / tiles etc even if not walking / crawling yet.

Her worry about allergies is understandable however again as others have suggested her not actually exposing her to any allergies is actually counterproductive. 1) there’s actually evidence that early exposure to allergies for example nuts can prevent allergies to nuts 2) if they don’t have anything other than purées you will not know about any allergies until later on. Surely knowledge is power -they can’t eat purées forever. I presume they’re not in a childcare setting currently but eventually will go to school. 3) needs to understand different textures. Perhaps a good way to combat this is suggesting you make something at home together that has all the ingredients the purées she has already had have so like a spaghetti bolognese or a salmon risotto. That way she can be sure it won’t have allergies in it but will at least be getting her off the processed stuff and enjoying texture for a before tackling the allergies. This does sound like anxiety to me. Does she honestly know any other parent who is doing similar ? Do you think you can speak directly to her and say you’re worried about her and also for dgc. Diet may be related to constipation although maybe not.

I’m honestly surprised a 13m old can fit into a next to me. My child was small and grew out by 8 months. She’s now 10 months and 50th centile weight, 9th centile height and wouldn’t fit in there. I also noticed my dc practiced rolling more and moving more once in her own cot. I think where your child sleeps is personal preference - if she does wake up a lot over night this could be feeding into your daughter being overwhelmed and tired and finding it difficult to find time to cook especially if all naps are contact naps.

my advice would be speak to her directly. Explain concerns - because you love her and dgc - say early on you think she’s a great mum and you’re not trying to criticise you’re worried about her. If that doesn’t work perhaps speak to her partner if you feel able to? She may be suffering post natal anxiety and need to see GP.

all the best

Also re the allergies - I know a few people who were very worried about allergies and choking that they tried baby on certain foods for the first time in a hospital carpark so they would be in the right place if a reaction were to happen. It sounds extreme but she’s clearly v worried so this might be a suggestion. Giving allergens early on the day so if they do have a reaction it’s obvious in daytime and trying each allergen twice is also advised.

I also meant to say if you live close to her you could find out what children nutrition / dietary services that were available closeby and signpost there. She might need be more willing to listen to professionals.

Does she seem otherwise ok to you? Does she have friends for support or any other mum friends ? I think you’re right to be concerned but think this more a case of her struggling rather than trying to keep her child a baby

My main concern here would be she doesn't sound as though she is giving time at home to play on the floor which has probably led to her not crawling yet. From about 7 months they need tons of time on the floor to explore within a safe environment.

Hmm. Flipping this on its head, I’m reading a child who doesn’t sleep well, is delayed on gross motor milestones, is constipated, gets easily frustrated and cries easily, struggles with food texture and potentially doesn’t like getting dressed or dislikes the feel of clothes.

Which is a description of DS1. My DM and DMil thought I was neurotic with him. The way the house needed to be silent if he was asleep. The way he hated the feel of food so I only cooked a few recipes on repeat. Paying for him to see a private physio. Leaving things early because he wouldn’t sleep on the go.

Turns out he is autistic.

Im not saying your GDD is. But maybe check in with your DD to really try and probe what is going on. There might be more than you think.

Most of us need to do stuff around the house and return to work by the time the baby is one year old. I would never have got anything done if I had a baby lying on me for an hour or two. Just because baby sleeps in a cot doesn’t mean we can’t bond.

It depends on the type of next to me. We have the chicco next2me Forever which is much bigger than a normal next2me, has tall sides and is for use up to age 4 / 22kg. Its been really useful in trying to wean our 1yo off cosleeping and into her own space. Based on other things the OP has said, it could be that it is a normal 6month one, but it might not be the case.