Keeping kids as babies

[daydreamer45]

Hi, I am probably being unreasonable here but I'm interested in other opinions. My daughter has a 13 month old little girl, she is beautiful. We see her regularly and have done some daytime babysitting but nothing overnight - absolutely fine by us. My issue is that the baby is only ever dressed in sleepsuits, she's been in an outfit maybe a handful of times ever. I appreciate that they are comfy and easy to change nappies etc but it seems a bit odd. They will happily take her to groups, walks, visits to the pub in a sleepsuit. She always has a sleepsuit on when she comes here, often the one she has worn at nighttime too. She is also only fed premade baby food so packets, jars, puffs, never any home cooked food. I have gently suggested trying her on meals (obviously made without salt & sugar) but they feel she is fine on jars. She is often constipated and is constantly taking movicol. She also still sleeps in the room with Mum & Dad and wakes up a lot. Her daytime naps are always in arms or on the sofa so she only gets around 30 minutes a time, at my house she is in a travel cot in a dark room and naps for 1.5-2 hours at a time which makes her much perkier for the rest of the day. She isn't crawling yet and always has everything she wants close at hand so no need to reach for things. Is this absolutely normal or is my daughter trying to keep her as a baby? I have a good relationship with her and so far haven't said anything (other than the food suggestions) as I appreciate it's her baby and it's her choice on how to bring her up.

I think you do need to talk to your DD. Is she okay in herself? Does any of this seem out of character behaviour? It sounds like she is either struggling with the basics and needs (quite a bit of!) help which you might be well placed to offer. Or she’s a lazy parent and you need to tell her to pull her socks up, or it’s only going to continue and extend into other behaviours like late toilet-training and screen use.

I think a few previous posters have missed a detail about the sleepsuits… it sounds like your GDD is wearing the same one in the day, after she’s worn it to bed the night before? That really doesn’t sound okay. Like PP have said, she does need to be getting her bare feet exposed to aid movement and develop movement, but spending all day and night in the same one is either totally lazy or shows your DD is overwhelmed by the basics. Hopefully you’ll know which it is. It would also make me wonder whether your DD is keeping up with other aspects of baby’s hygiene, like regular baths and brushing her teeth.

How is your daughter? Is she struggling @daydreamer45 because clearly everything is very routine based and everything done her way?

even as adults sometimes we need help and I wonder if she is struggling and you need to be her mum here

TBH none of it sounds that odd to me - I have 2 that are late 20s now that I had in Sweden.

sleepsuits - not a big deal and very easy for a baby that might soon be crawling - nothing likely to irritate more than getting tangled in a dress. Also don't have to worry about losing tiny socks

She is also only fed premade baby food so packets, jars, puffs, never any home cooked food. - a bit lazy but many people do it given the way that highly processed foods such as pouches are marketed as healthy. Personally I wouldn't but many do.

She is often constipated and is constantly taking movicol - DD1 was chronically constipated regardless of home-made or a jar

She also still sleeps in the room with Mum & Dad - this was absolutely normal in Sweden when I had my kids. Children slept in a cot in their parents room until +/- 2 years

30 minutes a time, at my house she is in a travel cot in a dark room and naps for 1.5-2 hours at a time which makes her much perkier for the rest of the day - hard to say but many parents don't want perky toddlers in the evening

She isn't crawling - some babies don't DD1 crawled at 8 months and DD2 at 14 months. Had a relative that never crawled or walked until 23 months. Try to get them to "reach" made no difference.

Agreed.

The lack of proper food and letting her play on the floor would concern me. The sleepsuits will stop her moving about unless they fit like a glove - legs will drag out and get in the way but with the warmer weather bodysuits and leggings would be fine and similarly low effort.

contact naps - that’s up to her

Hi OP

I think a lot of this sounds like your daughter is struggling with either anxiety/MH/control issues.

The never being in the house, parenting is easier and more fun when you're out and about meeting people but being at home letting baby play, explore and get into a routine is better for baby. When my baby was young I was likr your daughter out and about everywhere but as they grow you do spend more time at home for their naps and it does get a bit more lonely. So maybe shes experienced or is afraid of this?

I'd say with the sleep it's a viscous circle if baby isnt napping for long enough and at the right times of course she isnt going to sleep well and so it sometimes puts people off moving baby to their own room. Yes a contact nap can be nice but not everyday at that age, baby will sleep better alone and mum has some alone time or time to get stuff done. Is she afraid of baby sleeping alone?

The sleepsuit thing is weird too, doesnt she enjoy buying or dressing her baby up a bit? And doesnt she see that other mums do it? It's not really any easier than an outfit once they're at that age. Has she ever said why this is?

The food thing would really bother me too and again this sounds like her anxiety is in overdrive. But its absoloutely not normal to only give packet food at that age, even calorie and nutrition wise I doubt it's enough. You can still bring home prepared food out and about so I feel like that's a bit of an excuse and it's really about the allergens or choking risk.

I feel a bit sad reading this post and truly hope shes ok but I'd definitely be suspecting anxiety.

The advice to prevent allergies is to introduce things at 6 months. Delaying introduction of allergens is more likely to cause issues, and the fact she's not chewing is definitely not good for her development. 13 months and not saying any words or crawling is really worrying imo and it sounds like it's your daughter's issues causing the problems.

Bloody hell, none of this is good. The dd needs to be exploring her environment and being able to sit and crawl.

the food? She needs to be eating solids and using her mother to chew - important for talking.

And she’s not even babbling??

I’d strongly and gently suggest you dd takes the baby for a hv review. Or talks to the hv about what toddlers need.

Sleep suits are fine but combined with the other things does seem a little odd. Some babies never crawl but should be pulling them selves up etc by now? Baby should be having lots of time on the floor not in a ball pit. The jars only is crap should at least be trying finger food as well. Think you need to say something

Hi @daydreamer45

saw this in the news this morning and thought of your DD and DGC.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c62j0l0gg4go

main take home points for her are : “Experts have told the BBC the products should only be used sparingly, are not replacements for homemade meals, and can cause children health problems if used as their main source of nutrition.” And Ella’s Kitchen has agreed with this. But other shocking bits is some of the fruit pouches contain more sugar than fizzy drinks!

perhaps this could be an opener so you and DD can address the food aspect of what’s going on? If I were you I’d come at it from a non judgemental - “can you believe it” way, rather than a “I told you so way” If this is the only thing your grandchild has been exposed to since weaning then they are much much more likely to end up with health issues / tooth decay, the likelihood of which is higher than them having an allergic reaction to food, especially as they have probably been exposed to a lot allergens already through the pouches.

I think the key here is balance. My 10 month old has had savoury pouches on multiple occasions, it is convenient and id rather see her eat that rather than have no meal at all if I’ve not cooked anything suitable / out and about. But to not allow a 13 month old to eat anything else, even when at nursery or with grandparents is really quite something else.

good luck x

I imagine it’s very hard for the OP to raise any of this with her DD though.

Her DD does seem extremely sensitive to any kind of questioning, maybe to the point of rejection dysphoria.

Posters on MN are also often told to ignore any advice from family members, including their own Mum and to do things their own way.

This usually only happens though when the OP is following evidence based advice and the family are giving outdated information.

In the OP’s case it’s unusually the other way around where the OP has genuine concerns about how her DD is parenting.

@daydreamer45do you think that maybe your DD has some Post Natal Illness, this can sometimes manifest as anxiety. It might be worth your DD calling The Pandas Foundation, although I don’t have any suggestions on how you’d bring the subject up. You can call them too and ask for some advice, if you want to

I think the sleep suits are fine as long as little one can move in them.

Is little one pulling themselves up at all? One of my kids didn’t crawl until after he could walk.

Both my kids contact napped. When my eldest started nursery, they could get him to lie down for a nap, but he wouldn’t for me.

There is probably a HV check around now and that might be more helpful - they will have a better sense of what is normal or not.

This is all in the realm of parenting differences. Channel frozen and let it go....

i don’t think it sounds like she’s intentionally trying to keep her as a baby, 13 months is still tiny. She won’t be able to wear sleep suits forever, especially as it becomes hotter, not really an issue anyway. The food situation isn’t ideal, but not sure how you can change it apart from maybe making some home cooked meals and offering them for their freezer etc?

contact maps at that age are fine, mine did them until she was maybe 18 months and has never affected her negatively. The crawling might need looking into if it’s delayed much further but some children bypass that and just start walking anyway so I wouldn’t be worried yet.

there’s not a lot you can do apart from gently guide your daughter, it’s a big learning curve being a FTM