Keeping kids as babies

[daydreamer45]

Hi, I am probably being unreasonable here but I'm interested in other opinions. My daughter has a 13 month old little girl, she is beautiful. We see her regularly and have done some daytime babysitting but nothing overnight - absolutely fine by us. My issue is that the baby is only ever dressed in sleepsuits, she's been in an outfit maybe a handful of times ever. I appreciate that they are comfy and easy to change nappies etc but it seems a bit odd. They will happily take her to groups, walks, visits to the pub in a sleepsuit. She always has a sleepsuit on when she comes here, often the one she has worn at nighttime too. She is also only fed premade baby food so packets, jars, puffs, never any home cooked food. I have gently suggested trying her on meals (obviously made without salt & sugar) but they feel she is fine on jars. She is often constipated and is constantly taking movicol. She also still sleeps in the room with Mum & Dad and wakes up a lot. Her daytime naps are always in arms or on the sofa so she only gets around 30 minutes a time, at my house she is in a travel cot in a dark room and naps for 1.5-2 hours at a time which makes her much perkier for the rest of the day. She isn't crawling yet and always has everything she wants close at hand so no need to reach for things. Is this absolutely normal or is my daughter trying to keep her as a baby? I have a good relationship with her and so far haven't said anything (other than the food suggestions) as I appreciate it's her baby and it's her choice on how to bring her up.

I agree with pp is the only thing really is the food.

My youngest was still like a tiny baby at 13 months, he couldn't really crawl, wasn't walking, couldn't talk and didn't do much babbling, slept on me and to be honest didn't eat much.

He's now 8 and is 'normal' (whatever that is). He's bright, still isn't hugely bothered about food, sleeps alone (although a couple of times a week will sneak into our bed at 4am for a cuddle).

I would pick your battles and concentrate on the food. There was a guardian article recently about how a lot of food marketed at toddlers does help with language development as they don't have to chew and use their mouth in the same way they would with real food.
I personally hate sleep suits so I'll stay quiet on that front, ensuring they are either footless for the day or have decent grippers would be the thing I would look at. My daughter was tiny and when she was starting to get mobile she was still in 3-6month clothes and those sleep suits didn't usually have the grippers on the feet and she struggled with standing in them. I'd be trying to give situations that encourage movement and worry more about standing and moving around furniture than crawling.

I agree about picking your battles.

Are you sure she isn’t eating proper food at home? It’s OK to sometimes use pre-packaged food when out and about but at home she should be able to give the baby what she is eating as well as fruit and natural yoghurt etc. Does your DD eat a passably healthy diet herself with home cooked meals that could be shared with her daughter? If she likes baking she could make some healthy muffins and keep them in the freezer for east snacks.

The baby should definitely be allowed more floor time and not be constrained in a ball pit. Having some toys out of reach might encourage movement. Mine never crawled and started bum shuffling at 14 months. I raised concerns with the health visitor multiple times between 11 months and 18 months only to get brushed off and told to wait and see. Turns out she has low muscle tone and a possible genetic condition so the lack of movement in our case wasn’t due to my crap parenting as some of the replies seem to suggest (my DD did have plenty of floor time).

No real problem with sleepsuits but they should really have their feet uncovered at that age as the footed ones are terrible for movement. I mostly dressed mine in separates but did have a few cosy all in ones which I dressed my DD in after swimming and left on all day. I still found the short romper all in ones adorable at that age for summer.

Sleeping in the same room is still normal and fine if it’s working for them. If still waking in the night it can be annoying go to a separate room. The kids in my NCT group have all be parented in different ways but most of them are still waking during the night at 2.5 years so it’s not unusual. Contact naps are personal preference. I was happy to stop at 9 months but DD still liked contact napping when sick for much longer.

I think it’s okay to be concerned but like PP I’d pick your battles.

Sleepsuits are fine, lots of people use them. If you can pick up some footless ones it may make it easier for little one to get on the move, but some babies are just slow to go. I have a few friends whose babies never crawled they just stood up and walked one day. Sharing a room isn’t a huge problem if baby sleeps well and they’re happy, and again contact naps are just parental choice.

I’d be more concerned about the food and the not crawling, but baby must be due their one year review, what did the health visitor say? How does mum feel about it?

Just to add about the walking and talking, the average age of walking is 18 months, and talking most babble until between 18 months and 2 years old. You will potentially get a mama and dada earlier, but at 1 it’s not massively out of the ordinary.

I thought that if babies didn’t walk by 18 months you had to take them to the GP as it was considered late, not average?

And according to the 12 month Ages & Stages most babies will be saying 3 words by 12 months.

The only thing I'd be concerned about would be the food and (possibly linked) speech. The crawling - my little one didn't crawl until about 14 months. She had plenty of opportunities! And didn't walk till 18 months. Again, lots of opportunities. Now nearly 3 and physically fine. Sleep suits - just an outfit choice really.

@BunnyRuddingtonthink it’s about 75% will be walking by 18 months, not the average - my mistake. I think it’s when you get to 24 months and not walking they flag as a worry.

Words is 12-18 months for first words that aren’t repetitive sounds like mama and dada usually, but many children will say between 5-20 by the age of 2.

At our paeds review at 18m, DD1 wasn't walking. They said they would give us another 3m to see if anything happened, but if not, it would be a referral. So it's not as late as 24m, but in that 18-24m period.

I agree with this.
Buy baby a lot of playsuits in same style and use them while baby is at yours. Then suggest your daughter switches over as you can see 'she gets more grip with floor this way, it might help her get around.'

The food is also very concerning. I think I'd have to find a way to mention. Your gd is eating way too much processed food, and should definitely have been exposed to allergens and varying textures by now. The puffs in particular are awful.

I'd leave the rest. Pick your battles.

Sleepsuita don't hinder crawling. But the meals sound a bit worrying, baby should be eating actual food not pureed.

The sleep suit thing wouldn’t concern me. The food and sleeping arrangements would though. It sounds as though your daughter is struggling with how to amend her care of her baby as she ages and develops.
Or some of this could be that she’s simply opting for the most convenient way, but it’s not in the baby’s best interests.

Its a tough one, because how do you sensitively approach it without her feeling judged.

Has your daughter expressed any concerns about her baby’s development? At 13 months I would have been speaking to my gp/health visitor if my baby wasn’t crawling…

I wouldn’t say she’s trying to keep her as a baby but some people are really shit at parenting babies and have no idea you need to encourage them and help them develop and as a result they are then slow to develop.
The sleepsuit as day clothes is fine in terms of them not being jammies and just being comfy, but if they’re the all in ones with feet then they do make it much harder for babies to learn to move.
My DD was crawling at 7 months and obviously wore sleep suits a lot, plus it was winter, so I made sure when she was playing at home I took her legs out to give her the opportunity to move and have traction.

The only baby food thing is depressing. Is it laziness or being afraid?
Why don’t you prepare food for the baby to try when they are at yours?
Cut up finger food and maybe your Dd will raise her comfort levels by feeding the DD around someone else

The food thing makes me sad :(

The sleeping with Mum and Dad in bed at night is normal — it’s normal for most of the world in fact, we are the anomalies in the western world. However, everything else is bloody weird. Having a one year old myself, I can confidently say it is not at all normal to be feeding them jars and constantly in a sleepsuit at that age- especially if you mean one with feet as they restrict movement.

My dc never slept, had to be in with us all night for years otherwise we ALL wouldn't sleep.

I think the sleepsuits are fine.

The only thing that would worry me is the constipation. Yes could be the liquid pouch food but it's also a sign of dairy allergy (as is poor sleep!)

Actually I would edit to add if the sleepsuits are footless it isn’t so bad- just like wearing a jumpsuit. Footed ones really do restrict movement.

Overall the main issue in your post is definitely the food.

I’d be worried about your DD’s parenting or possibly her mental health.

Some of what you stated are more of a style issue eg my dc napped on sofas etc at that age, and what they dress her in doesn’t matter, also many dc aren’t talking at one as the normal range extends to 2 years old!

Partly it seems she’s taking the easier route which makes me wonder if she’s coping

The lack of movement and the constipation might be linked as well as the food being an issue. It sounds as if you'll need to be careful in how you approach things but hopefully the parents will realise that they need to respond to baby's changing needs

I would pick your battles here otherwise you may sound like you’re nit picking!

sleepsuits, fine. Naps/sleep- personal preference. (I wouldn’t like these either but it’s not my baby!)

food- this is worrying for me? Baby should be exploring a range of textures, flavours etc not just mush and puffs!

you know your dd best and I’m sure you could find a way to approach this without it coming across as criticism but I really do think the food thing is the only real problem here.

Can the HV/GP give some dietary advice due to the constipation? Is she frightened to allow exploring textures due to choking etc? Is a time thing, not managing, taking the easy option as she’s not coping/trying to make things easier? Can you gently suggest a bit more real fruit/veg might help with the constipation?

The same sleep suit day and night and only eating jar food is lazy. The naps in mum’s arms is strange at this age. Being 1 year old and not crawling is concerning.

The food thing will now be a nightmare. There are windows for introducing new textures and by 13 months your granddaughter may struggle to move away from purees. Part of parenting is to adjust as your child’s developmental needs change. That’s not happening here for whatever reason.

I don’t know why? A wish to keep her a baby? Laziness? A lack of information or confidence? I guess we all go by instinct with parenting but also for millennia our mothers and grandmothers stepped in to show us how. I think you need to prioritise the eating.

YANBU.
I’d also be concerned.
It must be really difficult for you to watch this unfolding, I’m so sorry.

Since you have a good relationship with your daughter I think I might start to push a bit harder.
Eg the nap. Just tell your daughter that she slept brilliantly in the cot last time and show her?

Refer to a friend of a friend’s grandchild who is under a specialist paediatric orthodontist because her jaw hasn’t developed properly because she was fed on pouches and her jaw didn’t get enough exercise from chewing proper food to make it develop properly.
Etc.

If it’s difficult to just tell her straight, refer obliquely to stuff you’ve heard or read and drip your message in that way?

I was going to ask how on earth she crawls wearing a sleep suit. But she can't yet.
This baby has a significant developmental delay. If she is being given Movicol then I assume she is getting support from a medical professional? Hopefully it's all in hand but for whatever reason her parents aren't sharing that information with you.

I can't work out what is the problem with sheepskins, a baby is not a doll

People do parent very differently and that's fine. There's a wide spectrum of what's ok and I think the only concerning thing is the food. That said, I would find it quite a limiting way to parent. The happiest, most active little toddler I know is essentially dragged out after his older brother to everything and has been from a few weeks old. He was dumped on a rug somewhere during every playground trip and forest walk for his brother, and as soon as he could crawl that was changed to a waterproof suit and he'd just grub about at ground level. He has eaten the same as his brother from early on and was bombing around soft plays as soon as he could move. The problem with sleepsuits is that they're quite limiting - you're essentially limiting your baby to moving around in your house or other clean, indoor environments. You wouldn't, for example, plonk them down in a sandpit or on the grass in a sleepsuit.