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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

Blended families - help needed!

87 replies

LJane88 · 31/03/2025 22:16

Evening! Im looking for some advice. Im two years out of a marriage, my partner is still going through divorce. I have a 3 year old, he has a 4/5 year old. All the kids get on so well. We currently live separately and i work full time and have my son 5 nights, he works away and has them every other weekend. Whilst we spend time together, i also want to spend time with my son on a one to one basis, which I dont get very often with work and him going to his dads. My boyf says he is only back on a weekend and I should maximise my time with him and his children. Hes upset that I spent mothers day with my son and said I should treat his kids equally. We are only a different page with this completely and I also like some time to myself. My question is, how do you navigate this. Blended families is all very different to me

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/03/2025 22:23

Blimey, slow down. You’ve got a three year old who’s already gone through his parents splitting up and being split between two homes. That’s enough for him without a man in his life who resents him.

He’s technicality still married and he’s already dating, trying to force two families together and having the nerve to try and dictate how you spend fucking Mother’s Day?

If you saw this thread or a friend told you this tale what would you say?

Bathnet · 31/03/2025 22:40

OP your post just screams red flags and alarm bells. Just slow down. None of this is in the best interests of your son.

Evenworseformeeces · 31/03/2025 22:41

You shouldn’t be trying to ‘navigate’ this, you should be running to the hills!

Him being upset with you for wanting to spend Mother’s Day with your child is nasty and manipulative. You deserve better than this.

I get the sense from your post, that he’s had very little involvement in parenting his DC until now. He’s now found himself solely responsible for his DC for 48 hours a fortnight, and that’s too much for him to handle by himself. I’d bet money that he will soon have you doing all his childcare / housework ect if he doesn’t already.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Families

Smellslikeburnttoat · 31/03/2025 22:57

He wants you to be an unpaid nanny to his kids doesn’t he?

throw him back

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 31/03/2025 23:03

I agree with previous posters.

Run away from this man now. The red flags are literally 10ft high flashing beacons.

lifeturnsonadime · 31/03/2025 23:05

please run for the hills. My sister ran into a relationship like the one you describe. Her kids are desperately unhappy now and she is trapped.

he is a walking red flag.

You and your child deserve better.

Stripeyanddotty · 31/03/2025 23:15

Before you know it you’ll be pregnant
Run a mile

Nosaucelikemintsauce · 31/03/2025 23:18

You have absolutely no obligations towards his dc whatsoever.. He is looking for a nanny with a fanny isn't he?

Original poster

LJane88 · 01/04/2025 08:39

Thankyou for your replies so far. Im questioning my own judgement here but wish to stay true to my own beliefs. whilst is nice he wishes to spend time with us, after ten months together I dont get the whole thing about treating his kids equally. I love them to bits, but he says as he has his kids so little he dosent want them to feel left out and it be an us and them situation. Im getting the impression this is his own insecurities playing out, ive done a lot of work to get me out of a black hole after my divorce and I recognise my triggers. Sometimes you need to odd day on your own right? I work full time

OP posts:

BodyKeepingScore · 01/04/2025 09:36

LJane88 · 01/04/2025 08:39

After 10 months together, the children shouldn’t even have met the new partner let alone be expected to play happy families with each others children. This is far too much too soon. The children are so young that this is bound to be a confusing and unsettling experience for them.
Continue to prioritise your son.

Smellslikeburnttoat · 01/04/2025 11:58

He. Wants. You. To. Look after. His. Kid.

Just another lazy bloke

MinionKevin · 01/04/2025 12:17

I imagine that if you moved him his contact time would increase, with you doing the contact.

At this stage your relationship should just be about you two. These aren’t your children, you don’t need to treat them equally, they are your boyfriend’s children just now. That’s it.

Like others have said, it sounds like he’s looking for a nanny with a Fanny. He can then be a great dad without doing any of the work. It’s not an insecurity thing, he just doesn’t want to parent.
He also won’t have to pay his ex if he can find someone to look after his kids 50-% of the time.

The fact he was annoyed you spent Mother’s Day with your child is enough to bin him. Did the poor man have to look after his own children for the day?

Buttonknot · 01/04/2025 12:21

It's really shocking that he begrudged you spending Mother's Day with your son. He wants you to treat his kids equally to your own when you've been together just 10 months - wtf?! I am angry just reading this. He sounds awful.

Snorlaxo · 01/04/2025 12:24

Lots of warning flags here.

Nobody is going to love a stepchild as much as their child after 10 months with the dad (I’m guessing 3-4 months since meeting the kid) It would also be weird if this child saw you as mum after so little time spent together. It’s a major red flag that he sees blending so simplistically tbh - this is the sort of speed that I expect on Jeremy Kyle contestants.

It looks like he’s looking for a nanny with a fanny. He wants to replace his ex with you so that you can do the housework and childcare for him. He resents your one on one time with your son because he’s too lazy to do the same with his child. Don’t compromise your standards and reasonable expectations like one on one time with your son for a man.

CowTown · 01/04/2025 12:30

Did he want you to spend Mothers Day with his kids? Shouldn’t they have been with their own mother? Or was he wanting just himself to tag along on your Mothers Day with your own son?

Either way…he’s still married. Far too soon to be taking his kids on as your own. As PP have said, I’d be surprised if he wasn’t trying to lay the groundwork for you to be the carer for his own children, you know…by treating them exactly the same as your son, ie, being their mother whilst it is his contact time. Tread carefully, OP.

Underthepalmtree · 01/04/2025 12:32

Honestly @LJane88 he's setting you up to take on all the child care. He basically wants an unpaid nanny.

I get in your eyes its romance and lovely but you're basically being manipulated into taking on the caring role for his children whilst he has them and he's quite happy to push your child aside to get what he wants.

Wanting the kids to be treated equally is code for I want you to treat my children the same as your son. That is not your role. You already have a child who should be your number one priority. He should be the one looking after his children.

It's a very well trodden path for men going through divorce to look for a woman who would take on the nanny role. Is that what you want? are you happy to make your son less of a priority to do that?

Please tell us you do see why he would have an agenda in saying what he is? That you are being manipulated here.

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 01/04/2025 12:34

He’s technicality still married and he’s already dating, trying to force two families together and having the nerve to try and dictate how you spend fucking Mother’s Day?

This. Forcing kids to be around each other to facilitate their parents dating life is very rarely in their best interests.
An unrelated male is the biggest risk to a child.

This married man is already trying to get you to parent his kids for him (ordering you to 'treat them the same') there doesn't appear to be any benefit to your or your young child, to date this man.

Ohisitjustme · 01/04/2025 12:35

Your poor son. He's only three, has presumably been through this upheaval of separation and now there's a new man who resents him and two new children he has to fight for your attention with. This is really sad.

And he's not a partner after 10 months. He's a boyfriend. And not a good one.

FortyElephants · 01/04/2025 12:38

10 months?!?!

Your family is you and your DS. At this stage why are the children even spending time together on a regular basis? This man is pushing a 'family unit' way too fast and it's a massive red flag. He needs to back right off. PP who suggested he wants you to look after his kids is probably right on the money.

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 01/04/2025 12:40

Focus on your child, not your love life

therealtrunchbull · 01/04/2025 12:43

The man is jealous of a 3 year old boy spending time with his mum on Mother’s Day. Who the fuck does he think he is.

notwavingbutsinking · 01/04/2025 12:45

Given that he only sees his children for 2 nights in every 14, he should be the one asking for plenty of space for time alone with his children. He is not a good father to his own children and will be a terrible step father you yours.

Richiewoo · 01/04/2025 12:46

You're not a family as you don't live together. Sounds like neither of you are ready for a relationship.

Beamur · 01/04/2025 12:49

Dodge this one.
He's looking for a replacement for childcare not a partner. You will regret it if you try and make this work.

Original poster

LJane88 · 01/04/2025 12:58

He is a good dad to his kids, far better than my ex husband. When Im with them he dosent expect me to do parenting he does it. Im just confused. He is saying he wants his children to feel included in something and dosent want them leaving out, surely thats just way too much to expect when we dont live together and his kids are none the wiser, his kids dont know im taking my son out. I may be wrong here, but it feels like thats a him problem, like he's seeking his old life rather than recognising this is a new chapter and its not going to be the same as it was when he was with his ex wife under one roof.

OP posts:

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