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Original poster

Blended families - help needed!

87 replies

LJane88 · 31/03/2025 22:16

Evening! Im looking for some advice. Im two years out of a marriage, my partner is still going through divorce. I have a 3 year old, he has a 4/5 year old. All the kids get on so well. We currently live separately and i work full time and have my son 5 nights, he works away and has them every other weekend. Whilst we spend time together, i also want to spend time with my son on a one to one basis, which I dont get very often with work and him going to his dads. My boyf says he is only back on a weekend and I should maximise my time with him and his children. Hes upset that I spent mothers day with my son and said I should treat his kids equally. We are only a different page with this completely and I also like some time to myself. My question is, how do you navigate this. Blended families is all very different to me

OP posts:
LoveItaly · 01/04/2025 13:02

Ohisitjustme · 01/04/2025 12:35

Your poor son. He's only three, has presumably been through this upheaval of separation and now there's a new man who resents him and two new children he has to fight for your attention with. This is really sad.

And he's not a partner after 10 months. He's a boyfriend. And not a good one.

Spot on. This relationship sounds like a disaster in the making, you owe it to your child to put them first.

HowToBuy · 01/04/2025 13:02

Jesus Christ this has disaster written all over it. Youve only been with him 10months… why has he even met your son? There’s absolutely no need for that. And you are not a blended family. You don’t even live together (thankfully)
And he’s already showing signs of jealousy and resentment towards your son. Imagine how much worse that’s going to get if you continue this relationship.

Run for the hills as fast as you possibly can and reflect on your decision making in this situation because it has been far too fast and irresponsible

SpringHasSprungg · 01/04/2025 13:04

I wouldn’t be seeing him at all on his weekends with his DC.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Families
CowTown · 01/04/2025 13:07

LJane88 · 01/04/2025 12:58

He is a good dad to his kids, far better than my ex husband. When Im with them he dosent expect me to do parenting he does it. Im just confused. He is saying he wants his children to feel included in something and dosent want them leaving out, surely thats just way too much to expect when we dont live together and his kids are none the wiser, his kids dont know im taking my son out. I may be wrong here, but it feels like thats a him problem, like he's seeking his old life rather than recognising this is a new chapter and its not going to be the same as it was when he was with his ex wife under one roof.

Where were his kids on Mothers Day? Was he expecting them to be invited to your celebration with your son? Ie, even if they were celebrating with their own mum, you weren’t allowed to proceed with your own son in their absence?

Underthepalmtree · 01/04/2025 13:07

LJane88 · 01/04/2025 12:58

He is a good dad to his kids, far better than my ex husband. When Im with them he dosent expect me to do parenting he does it. Im just confused. He is saying he wants his children to feel included in something and dosent want them leaving out, surely thats just way too much to expect when we dont live together and his kids are none the wiser, his kids dont know im taking my son out. I may be wrong here, but it feels like thats a him problem, like he's seeking his old life rather than recognising this is a new chapter and its not going to be the same as it was when he was with his ex wife under one roof.

Of course he is, he's on his best behaviour at the moment. People who manipulate others don't go in behaving badly, they're trying to get you relax and let your standards slip. He will be on his dad of the year behaviour right now till he's got everything arranged how he wants.

He's giving you some red flags right now but you're going with the logic of 'well he's not as bad as my ex'! He's trying to sideline your son!! it's right in front of you and happening right now.

Your ex is not the benchmark of poor male behaviour, please don't use that as a measure. Look at what's happening in front of you and judge that situation on its own issues.

Original poster
LJane88 · 01/04/2025 13:10

CowTown · 01/04/2025 13:07

Where were his kids on Mothers Day? Was he expecting them to be invited to your celebration with your son? Ie, even if they were celebrating with their own mum, you weren’t allowed to proceed with your own son in their absence?

Show quote history

it was his weekend with his kids, their mum didnt want them back early so he was with them all day

OP posts:
CowTown · 01/04/2025 13:12

LJane88 · 01/04/2025 13:10

it was his weekend with his kids, their mum didnt want them back early so he was with them all day

Show quote history

Was his intention to include them, ie, they give you a “step mum” card, etc, or was it a matter of your son getting taken out for a day without his DC?

SpringHasSprungg · 01/04/2025 13:12

LJane88 · 01/04/2025 13:10

it was his weekend with his kids, their mum didnt want them back early so he was with them all day

Show quote history

Then he should be arranging activities with his own DC.

Underthepalmtree · 01/04/2025 13:14

@LJane88

What are your feelings about the situation OP?

Are you at all concerned about your DS being pushed out by him?

Do you recognise that he resents your son already?

ImFineItsAllFine · 01/04/2025 13:16

Hes upset that I spent mothers day with my son and said I should treat his kids equally

That right there would be a big fat nope from me. He should never be trying to come between you and your son.

Agree with pp he wants someone to parent his kids for him.

Original poster
LJane88 · 01/04/2025 13:18

CowTown · 01/04/2025 13:12

Was his intention to include them, ie, they give you a “step mum” card, etc, or was it a matter of your son getting taken out for a day without his DC?

Show quote history

No he saying we should have ALL spent the day together and he only has his kids every other weekend so he wants them to feel included in something. I get that, but i am okay so spend one on one time with my son aswell right? Especially as his behaviour is quite challenging at present, i think he needs that

OP posts:
DPotter · 01/04/2025 13:21

Trust your instincts here completely LJane88. He's pushing your boundaries to fast & too hard. Pull back to just seeing him alone. Keep the kids out of it

CowTown · 01/04/2025 13:22

LJane88 · 01/04/2025 13:18

No he saying we should have ALL spent the day together and he only has his kids every other weekend so he wants them to feel included in something. I get that, but i am okay so spend one on one time with my son aswell right? Especially as his behaviour is quite challenging at present, i think he needs that

Show quote history

So because their mum didn’t want to spend Mothers Day with his children, you shouldn’t be allowed a 1:1 Mothers Day with your son. The day should be treated as a normal, humdrum Sunday, where everyone is included.

Did this feel like a race to the bottom to you? “If my kids don’t get a 1:1 Mothers Day, neither should yours, and we should all spend the day together.”

How did you feel about it at the time?

Original poster
LJane88 · 01/04/2025 13:23

Underthepalmtree · 01/04/2025 13:14

@LJane88

What are your feelings about the situation OP?

Are you at all concerned about your DS being pushed out by him?

Do you recognise that he resents your son already?

he has a lot of qualities I look for, however i want to stay true to my own beliefs and put my son first. Whilst i enjoy being with his children, i work in a high pressure job full time and my som dosent have a set routine with his own father. The only time I have to catch up on life and spend time with my son and boyfriend is a weekend (works away) I also need time on occasion to myself. So i like to balance. He included my son when hes with me, but dosent understand or agree I also need one to one time with him.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 01/04/2025 13:24

You’re talking about trying to blend families with someone who isn’t even divorced. Put the brakes on and slow down. There is nothing wrong with taking your time to date this man so you can be 100% sure this is someone you want to throw into your child’s life and you in to his children’s lives just for it to not work out.

Him saying you should love/treat his child the same as yours is a red flag. The fact is his child is not your child. You are never going to love or feel the same way for them as you do your own and it sounds like he’s just looking for you to slot into the role of mum/wife in his dynamic.

Him also moaning about spending Mother’s Day with your child is a red flag. It is absolutely healthy and essential to spend quality time 1-on-1 with your child and he should understand, support that and want it for him and his children too.

Don’t rush into this and take your time. The children in this situation aren’t babies like the first time you split with your partner and they are old enough to question why people are coming and going from their lives so don’t take the commitment lightly.

Original poster
LJane88 · 01/04/2025 13:25

CowTown · 01/04/2025 13:22

So because their mum didn’t want to spend Mothers Day with his children, you shouldn’t be allowed a 1:1 Mothers Day with your son. The day should be treated as a normal, humdrum Sunday, where everyone is included.

Did this feel like a race to the bottom to you? “If my kids don’t get a 1:1 Mothers Day, neither should yours, and we should all spend the day together.”

How did you feel about it at the time?

Show quote history

I was annoyed, but determined not to let it ruin my day so I ignored it, cracked on took my son out when spent the rest of the afternoon with my own mum

OP posts:
CowTown · 01/04/2025 13:28

LJane88 · 01/04/2025 13:23

he has a lot of qualities I look for, however i want to stay true to my own beliefs and put my son first. Whilst i enjoy being with his children, i work in a high pressure job full time and my som dosent have a set routine with his own father. The only time I have to catch up on life and spend time with my son and boyfriend is a weekend (works away) I also need time on occasion to myself. So i like to balance. He included my son when hes with me, but dosent understand or agree I also need one to one time with him.

Show quote history

If you project yourself 5 years down the line, do you see a world in which you aren’t allowed 1:1 time with your son? Or wanting 1:1 time might cause arguments? Or you avoid 1:1 time to not upset the apple cart? How does the future look to you?

Bonbon21 · 01/04/2025 13:29

Your 'partner' needs to learn/accept that your child will always.. ALWAYS.. come first in your life. If that is too much for him he needs to walk away... maybe to put his own kids first?
And yes... we all need time just for ourselves too...

CowTown · 01/04/2025 13:29

LJane88 · 01/04/2025 13:25

I was annoyed, but determined not to let it ruin my day so I ignored it, cracked on took my son out when spent the rest of the afternoon with my own mum

Show quote history

Did DP not want to see his mum?

Summedupnicely · 01/04/2025 13:31

You have every right to spend time alone with your child OP. This man is trying to create a new family where he can share the load of looking after his DC on the two days a fortnight he has them! A good dad would be standing on his own two feet and doing this separately from you and seeing you when you are both free.

Underthepalmtree · 01/04/2025 13:33

LJane88 · 01/04/2025 13:23

he has a lot of qualities I look for, however i want to stay true to my own beliefs and put my son first. Whilst i enjoy being with his children, i work in a high pressure job full time and my som dosent have a set routine with his own father. The only time I have to catch up on life and spend time with my son and boyfriend is a weekend (works away) I also need time on occasion to myself. So i like to balance. He included my son when hes with me, but dosent understand or agree I also need one to one time with him.

Show quote history

You didn't answer the last question @LJane88

Do you recognise that's he is displaying behaviour that shows he already resents your son?

How do you feel about that?

Original poster
LJane88 · 01/04/2025 13:34

CowTown · 01/04/2025 13:29

Did DP not want to see his mum?

Show quote history

I think he did see his mum, i think he wanted to do both

OP posts:
Original poster
LJane88 · 01/04/2025 13:35

Underthepalmtree · 01/04/2025 13:33

You didn't answer the last question @LJane88

Do you recognise that's he is displaying behaviour that shows he already resents your son?

How do you feel about that?

Show quote history

Sorry, no I didnt think of it like that. I wouldnt accept that, my sons my world and a big factor in ending my marriage because I didn't want an unhealthy relationship modelling for him.

OP posts:
HowToBuy · 01/04/2025 13:39

Do you recognise the fact that introducing your son to another man just over a year after you left his father is not at all benefitting him? That having him share his time with this unrelated male, who you barely know, and his children is a recipe for disaster and resentment? Especially as he’s already displaying resentment towards the 1 on 1 time you have with your son because he wants your around to help entertain his children on the measly 2 days he has them?

I really don’t think you seem ready for a relationship if this is the quality of your decision making.

Bownessbay · 01/04/2025 13:40

Awe no, OP, this is awful behaviour from him. Not ok at all.

I'm divorced too and my bf and I both have kids, who also all get on really well. We've been together nearly 4 years and neither of us would ever behave this way! It's utterly ridiculous to say all kids should be treated equally - so are you expected to buy equivalent presents for his DC on birthdays etc. too? Spend equal on holidays and sort childcare together? Totally nuts.

I don't treat my partner's DC equally to mine because they're NOT MINE. Helping each other out sometimes is one thing, having some playdates to get to know each other (SOME of the time) I agree with, spending all possible blended time together and saying all should be equal is quite another. It's batshit, controlling, possessive and would completely turn me off.

Your son needs you, and you need time with him too, and time to yourself. This shouldn't ever be something you should be made to feel bad about, Mother's Day or not.

Personally, I'd end it. Relationships like ours are complicated enough without someone being an arse. If you're not willing to end it right now, I'd strip time with DC out completely and see what happens then. It really does sound like he's trying to move things way too fast.

For comparison, we have a lovely, close and easy relationship with each other's kids (not that this hasn't taken work). We spend some time together for sure and have done lots of holidays, but respect 100% we each need and want time alone with our kids - we have this much, much more than time all together. We also do separate holidays with our own DC, as well as one together. Just because he doesn't seem as awful as your ex, doesn't mean he's a keeper. I'm glad you're doing work on yourself, I know it's tough and painful - but you can see that this isn't right, so listen to your instincts.