Blended families - help needed!

[LJane88]

Evening! Im looking for some advice. Im two years out of a marriage, my partner is still going through divorce. I have a 3 year old, he has a 4/5 year old. All the kids get on so well. We currently live separately and i work full time and have my son 5 nights, he works away and has them every other weekend. Whilst we spend time together, i also want to spend time with my son on a one to one basis, which I dont get very often with work and him going to his dads. My boyf says he is only back on a weekend and I should maximise my time with him and his children. Hes upset that I spent mothers day with my son and said I should treat his kids equally. We are only a different page with this completely and I also like some time to myself. My question is, how do you navigate this. Blended families is all very different to me

I think you will look back at this period of your child's life and think, what the hell was I thinking? This man is demanding, controlling and manipulative. He is trying to rush to create a family with you when he isn't even divorced and none of you seems to have stopped in the few months you have been dating to think about the kids and if they really need a whole new step family at this point in their lives.

You also say that your child is acting up at the moment, could he be a bit overwhelmed? You are the only stable parent in his life after all and you are prioritising a strange man and his kids way more than you should. Even saying you love the step kids to bits, surely you barely know them given how little time he sees them and how new your relationship is.

Then you really need to start thinking about it because it's very clear to the majority of posters on here that he does resent him. It's as clear as day.

You could end up modelling an even more unhealthy relationship for your son. One in which he is sidelined and resented by mum's boyfriend. That's very damaging to a young child.

Your son will know your BFs true feeling even if you don't think he will. Many former step kids on here will confirm that. Kids see and pick up on things from a very early age. The damage can be very long lasting into adulthood.

Listen to your gut feelings, at the moment there is no blended family, there is you and your DS and you and your boyfriend. There’s no rush to change this.

With due respect, ive been split from his dad over two years now, worked a lot on myself and the fact im putting my son first in all of this I think demonstrates my decision making

I cannot express strongly enough that I think this is a bad relationship for you and especially for your son.

He's already trying to get you to prioritise him and his children over your own son.

And he's not being subtle about it - he's outright telling you to ignore your own instincts and desire to spend time with your son so that he can feel better about his relationship with his children, regardless of what you want and what your son needs.

Does he spend any of his weekends with his kids just the three of them? Or is it only if he can't guilt you into seeing them all?

And with due respect, youve introduced your son to a man you barely know and have him spending time with this man’s two children after 10months. That by anyone’s standards is fast. How quickly did you actually introduce them for you to all be spending time together and for you to be calling yourselves a blended family after only 10months.

im a single mother that dates, I get it, it’s tough, but this is all way too fast and with the wrong man.

I would bail out of this relationship now. He wants it all on his own terms.

I agree with what @Bownessbay said.
I dont have the same situation as you - as my kids are older. But I've been with a guy 5 years - we dont live together and generally whenever we have the kids - we have them at home on our own.

Sure we all get together on occasion - we have days out, meals with all of us and holidays. BUT there really is no need to behave like a blended family. We are not. BF and I spend quality time with each other - we also independently spend quality time with our own children. We spend time as a whole group occasionally.

Don't let him push you too fast - and don't feel bad for spending time 1:1 with your child that was absolutely the right thing to do.

@LJane88

You are doing the right thing in questioning the situation and posting here is a good step in getting outside views.

It's very clear you love your son and he's your number one priority. Keep that at the forefront of every decision you make and you won't go wrong.

But please, don't let this man dictate how you spend your time with your son. Your BF has his own agenda in mind and it's not in the best interests of you or your child.

I'd take some time out to date a bit more before you commit to a relationship. There are others out there and if its not working then no need to waste time on a potentially negative situation for your child.

You sound like you've come out of a dysfunctional relationship and are potentially are heading into another one. Just take a step back and think about things for a while. Whatever you do, don't give up your home or compromise your child's safe space. It's never in the child's interests to do this no matter what people tell themselves.

And if your son doesn't have a great/reliable relationship with his father, expecting you to sacrifice time with your son so you can treat his kids like your own is actually egregious - his kids get three parents and your son has to share his only parent with two other kids? No.

How does hanging out with dad’s girlfriend make his young children feel included? He only sees them 4 days a month. They deserve his undivided attention.

do you really want to be with a man who thinks 4 days a month makes him an adequate parent? Why isn’t he finding a way to live and work near his children so he can be involved in their lives on a regular basis?

@LJane88 I’m confused. In your Op you mentioned he had a 4/5 year old. Now you’re saying children/kids/them.

Is there more than 1 child? If so I wouldn’t stick around.

You're not a blended family, far from it! It's absolutely vital that you have time at the weekend to concentrate on spending time with your own little one and his children need one to one time with their dad too. Don't apologise for or feel the need to explain yourself to him - just tell him this is what I'm doing because it's what I think my child needs. It doesn't matter if he agrees with you or not - it's your decision and he can like it or lump it.

If he is going to cause a fuss about this going forward I would definitely rethink the relationship.

I agree with this.

It's far too much too soon. Why are you even considering it a blended family?! It's been 10months - that's still dating territory and kids do not need to be meeting partners and expected to all get on like a house on fire.

I know you think 2yrs since split is a long time, but its a lot for DCs to get used to (and you too!) without adding extra men into the mix with their demands/requests to 'navigate' around, let alone another set of kids. It's rarely ever in the best interests of the kids to be thrown together into a family they didn't ask for and expected to 'blend'. It's for the parents own convenience. (said as a child of this scenario myself!). His kids are nothing to do with you - why does he think you'd want to spend mothers day with them?! How bizarre.

As for this man. Ditch him. I mean, he can't be very emotionally intelligent or caring if he's struggling to comprehend why a single mother who is out of the house all week might want to spend 1:1 time with her own child.....

Any good and understanding man would put all of you first.
He needs to fit around you and your son and your relationship.

This all sounds very fast. And I think your ex may have set a low bar in terms of what you think is being a good dad. Make sure your contraception is watertight or this could get a whole lot more complicated for your poor son.

He has two kids, a four and a 5 year old

Arrange it so you both have your kids the same weekend and on that weekend have it apart.

Well this is my view, his kids have also been through a lit of change so i believe its important for them to have that bond rather than thinking everytime they are with him hes with his girlfriend. He also has them half of the kids holidays for further context and he cant change jobs at present, as his ex wife has left him to for the house they have on his own

I dont view us as this, we dont live together and its too soon to be progressing to that sort of stage.

What are you going to do about it then?

Ive set my boundaries so I can manage his expectations, if hes not willing to come on board with that then i need to have a serious think. My son is my priority and im not going to be held to ransom whenever I want some time on my own with him,

He’s looking for someone to fill the role as mother and caregiver figure when he has his kids, end of. That’s why he’s so annoyed that you don’t want to spend time with him when he has his kids and why he’s making a point of saying you should treat them as equally as your son because he wants you there looking after them.

He’s only seeing his children 4 days a month, he really should be prioritise seeing and spending time with them. Not having his girlfriend and son joining in.
I feel sorry for them. This isn’t the behaviour of a good dad. Those children will also be aware he doesn’t want to spend his time alone with them.

Well done OP. Stick to your boundaries and don't let him trample on them!