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Original poster

Blended families - help needed!

87 replies

LJane88 · 31/03/2025 22:16

Evening! Im looking for some advice. Im two years out of a marriage, my partner is still going through divorce. I have a 3 year old, he has a 4/5 year old. All the kids get on so well. We currently live separately and i work full time and have my son 5 nights, he works away and has them every other weekend. Whilst we spend time together, i also want to spend time with my son on a one to one basis, which I dont get very often with work and him going to his dads. My boyf says he is only back on a weekend and I should maximise my time with him and his children. Hes upset that I spent mothers day with my son and said I should treat his kids equally. We are only a different page with this completely and I also like some time to myself. My question is, how do you navigate this. Blended families is all very different to me

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 01/04/2025 17:01

Watch out for his expectations about Fathers Day. You don’t want to be organising one for him.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 22:19

LJane88 · 01/04/2025 08:39

Thankyou for your replies so far. Im questioning my own judgement here but wish to stay true to my own beliefs. whilst is nice he wishes to spend time with us, after ten months together I dont get the whole thing about treating his kids equally. I love them to bits, but he says as he has his kids so little he dosent want them to feel left out and it be an us and them situation. Im getting the impression this is his own insecurities playing out, ive done a lot of work to get me out of a black hole after my divorce and I recognise my triggers. Sometimes you need to odd day on your own right? I work full time

Why doesn't he want time 1-1 with his own kids? He should be seeing that as precious to bond with them and also protecting them in case his extremely new relationship does end

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 22:21

CowTown · 01/04/2025 12:30

Did he want you to spend Mothers Day with his kids? Shouldn’t they have been with their own mother? Or was he wanting just himself to tag along on your Mothers Day with your own son?

Either way…he’s still married. Far too soon to be taking his kids on as your own. As PP have said, I’d be surprised if he wasn’t trying to lay the groundwork for you to be the carer for his own children, you know…by treating them exactly the same as your son, ie, being their mother whilst it is his contact time. Tread carefully, OP.

He's a really nasty ex if he didn't let the kids be with their mum on Mother's Day (unless she expressively asked for a spa day alone which some mums do)

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Original poster
LJane88 · 01/04/2025 22:25

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 22:21

He's a really nasty ex if he didn't let the kids be with their mum on Mother's Day (unless she expressively asked for a spa day alone which some mums do)

Show quote history

It was his weekend to have the kids, he asked her if she wanted to see them given its mothers day and she said no

OP posts:
Original poster
LJane88 · 01/04/2025 22:26

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 22:19

Why doesn't he want time 1-1 with his own kids? He should be seeing that as precious to bond with them and also protecting them in case his extremely new relationship does end

Show quote history

I think its more that he feels like I should be spending more time with him and his kids.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 22:30

Op wanting one to one time with your child regularly is normal and perfectly acceptable and would be terrible if you didn't do it tbh.

Even for mums with multiple kids it's important they each get some one to one time if at all possible!

It's really worrying he doesn't understand and accept this.

However, you seem very hung up on wanting his agreement or approval (which I understand as relationships are about compromise). You need to confidently communicate a very firm boundary that you will always do things 1-1 with your son regularly and this is something anyone who wants to be a serious partner to you will have to accept and get used to. Have that phrase on repeat and do not justify, defend argue or explain it any further. He can either adjust or leave.

DonaldMacRonald · 01/04/2025 22:31

LJane88 · 01/04/2025 08:39

Thankyou for your replies so far. Im questioning my own judgement here but wish to stay true to my own beliefs. whilst is nice he wishes to spend time with us, after ten months together I dont get the whole thing about treating his kids equally. I love them to bits, but he says as he has his kids so little he dosent want them to feel left out and it be an us and them situation. Im getting the impression this is his own insecurities playing out, ive done a lot of work to get me out of a black hole after my divorce and I recognise my triggers. Sometimes you need to odd day on your own right? I work full time

Jesus a partner wouldn't have even met my kids at 10 months in, let alone be acting like this. If he did then he'd be out on his ear. You have a 3 year old who has already been through so much upheaval, maybe best to put this kind of malarkey on hold for now.

MinionKevin · 01/04/2025 22:41

LJane88 · 01/04/2025 22:26

I think its more that he feels like I should be spending more time with him and his kids.

Show quote history

Why do you need to spend time with his kids. You don’t. You’ve been going out for months, you’re not their mum. He needs to spend time with them as he sees them minimally and he’s their dad.
All this sounds like he’s trying to force a relationship between yourself and his children. The only relationship you should be having is with him, and you have time to do that alone.

Original poster
LJane88 · 01/04/2025 22:52

MinionKevin · 01/04/2025 22:41

Why do you need to spend time with his kids. You don’t. You’ve been going out for months, you’re not their mum. He needs to spend time with them as he sees them minimally and he’s their dad.
All this sounds like he’s trying to force a relationship between yourself and his children. The only relationship you should be having is with him, and you have time to do that alone.

Show quote history

Well this is my point, whilst its nice to see his kids from time to time, his time is precious so i dont feel this should be a priority. So i tend to do my own thing more and try catch up on housework etc when hes with his kids, so i can spend the time with him when he isnt.

OP posts:
Kitchensinktoday · 01/04/2025 22:55

I don't treat my partner's DC equally to mine because they're NOT MINE. Helping each other out sometimes is one thing, having some playdates to get to know each other (SOME of the time) I agree with, spending all possible blended time together and saying all should be equal is quite another. It's batshit, controlling, possessive and would completely turn me off.

Totally agree

thecrispfiend · 01/04/2025 23:26

I’ve just got away from a relationship like this. Always wanting to spend time together when we had our kids. Just after someone to take over the “wife work” and no thought for my little boy who was suddenly having to share his mums attention. I got out and within a month he’d replaced me. My son is only going to be young for a short time and I’m just not willing to lose out on the time with him. It was hard ending it while I was still all loved up but a few months down the line I can see how awful it would have been for my son and me. I hope you are able to avoid becoming the replacement wife and mother as I could put money on him expecting that xx

Hollyhobbi · 03/04/2025 00:33

No wonder your little child has challenging behaviour! Poor wee fella mustn't know if he's coming or going at this stage. I don't think you are looking after his best interests at all and his behaviour will improve if you focus on him not this waster and his children.

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