Stranger calling me a bad parent

[Stephaneey]

I’m just typing this to get it off my chest as I don’t really have many people to talk to. At the weekend I was with my daughter in a park, it was crowded due to an event happening at the same time. My daughter spotted some flowers and went to look at them. She stood in the flower bed and ran away from me, she then stood on a flower. I had grabbed her before then but my mum said she was ok to go back to have a look. My mum then said just grab her as she stood on a flower.

I lifted her up and a young woman standing by started saying I was disrespectful. I said well she’s only 3. The boyfriend then pipes up saying ‘we’re not talking to a 3 year old. We pay our taxes.’ I replied I also pay taxes?’ The woman then says ‘look at all the other children behaving nicely and not playing in the flowers, couldn’t you tell you were doing something wrong!’ I did see red and did lose my temper at this point and couldn’t believe she said this to me. I asked if they saw me as an easy target and if they would confront a gang of teenagers/men in the same manner. There were teens climbing a war memorial near by and I asked if they were going to say anything to them? They started needling me out of the way and I said I wanted to go where I was standing originally. At this point a man starts shouting at me that I’m pushing him. I just keep thinking about scared my daughter must have been of this.

I can’t stop thinking about how this has affected my daughter. It was Mother’s Day yesterday and I couldn’t stop thinking how I’ve raised a child. I’m a single parent, I lost a lot of blood in childbirth, I had post natal depression. My daughter still has issues sleeping. I’ve had not a day without worry in 3 years. But the a young woman can just comment so confidently on my parenting skills and not feel an ounce of shame. To get to that park yesterday I had to pack food, supplies, I had to make sure I had wipes, water even medicine. Did she have that sort of preparation?

it’s funny as I was going to give her a tablet to watch cartoons on (we were waiting for the event) but I thought it was good she wanted to get involved with nature. Ironic if she’d been on her tablet we would have gone without comment.

I can’t get the whole thing out of my head. My mum walked off so this upset my daughter as she gets separation anxiety. My mum walking off just added to the whole thing. I can’t discuss this with her as she believes this was my fault for interacting with them. I try to raise with her that I felt so alone and why as a parent she wouldn’t take my side automatically? I can’t get my head round that. She just can’t see my point of view and how awful I found that woman’s comment. She added that she never received any comments like that as we were always well behaved. Can I add at this point my daughter is the most lovely, well behaved little girl. She can be very cautious with new situations, she’s gentle with babies and younger kids, we’ve taken flights and car rides and people comment how good she is. Can I also say how worried I always am about being respectful. I litter pick, I always recycle, I always go back in to shops to pay if I’ve forgotten something in my trolley. I even cross the road in a respectful way 😂 I would never want to destroy something in nature, I plant my own flowers!

I get anxiety going out anyway but had to push myself yesterday as I didn’t want to have to hideaway(I probably would of if I was by myself) I’m just not sure how I forget about this, how do I parent with confidence when outside. How do I not combust with anxiety if my daughter wants to play in public again. How do I try and forget the tag of ‘bad parent’ has anyone been through anything similar?

Try to let the whole situation go, it will play in to your anxiety when you're out with your daughter.

I experienced this years ago when my DC ran off and skipped a queue for a bouncy castle. DC was 2 and a half but very tall, the teens running it couldn't get them to come off and I had to climb on and catch them while the line of parents tutted and berated us to their own kids. The shame torments me but I know it wasn't a massive failing, just one of those things.

Said DC turned out to be neurodivergent and didn't understand why they had to wait.

People should take into account that you packed wipes to fo
to the park?

get to that park yesterday I had to pack food, supplies, I had to make sure I had wipes, water even medicine. Did she have that sort of preparation?

Their reaction was very OTT but sorry, you’re batshit to think you deserve appreciation for having a child and managing to get them to the park. Your child should have been pulled out the flowerbed immediately the first time.

Yeah I've got a 5 year old with additional needs - if he's going into flower beds I remove him and if he's moving to go back in the flower bed I take us well away from there. I also don't think I need "recognition" from random strangers for doing basic day to day things that just come with having a child, like packing his bag??

You can't do anything to stop people taking it upon themselves to tell you off. But when you have a small child with you who is likely to be upset by unpleasantness, the priority imo is to damage limit by saying as little as possible in return, preferably nothing, and moving away. It's really not worth putting your 3 year old through the upset of watching mummy in an argument just to stand up for yourself. When she's a bit older it can be good role modelling to see you do it (when absolutely necessary) but at 3 she just needs removing from the unpleasantness and for you to get on with your day together.

They sound like utter dickheads.

And I have no doubt that if they ever have kids, theirs will be doing much worse.

Sorry your attempted mothers day outing became so stressful op.

Staying well away from crowds with young kids can be way less stressful.

True if your dd dad was present they wouldn't have dared to have this altercation. I doubt she would have said something if her partner wasn't there too just in case you were a type to grab her hair.

Criticism on your parenting from strangers is par for the course for most parents at some point, OP. You'll have to get used to that fact. It doesn't matter how determined you are to do the right thing, some people will always have something to say.

You write that your daughter was standing in mud in a flowerbed and accidentally stepped on a flower (rather than for instance, trampling in a carefully laid out, formal flower bed). I assume the taxes comment was related to the flower bed being planted by the local council? And therefore something that guy has paid for via his council tax.

Don't worry about your daughter, she probably won't remember what happened. However, a better approach would have been just to apologise to the young (tax paying) couple and remove your daughter from the beds. And then not to have been so stubborn about where you wanted to move to (which seemed to also mean that a different man shouted at your for pushing him).

In summary: pick your battles! This is probably what your mum feels and why she just wandered away. Her joining you in defense would only have escalated the situation. There is really no need to view your mums decision as wrong because your daughter has 'separation anxiety.' If your daughter is upset that your mum has just walked away for a moment so that a situation can calm down, then you simply need to calmly explain this to your daughter.

People don't see the struggles of strangers, OP. They don't give a damn about your life, circumstances or birth experience. Don't let this one run-in put doubt in your mind about your parenting if you are confident that you're doing a good job.

Or maybe on this occasion you're out of step with the majority of people.

Just wow.

Thanks, I wasn’t sure whether to delete it but I didn’t want to look ashamed or something (I’m a bit terrified of explaining it with the wrong phrases now) I do have anxiety and I always do feel on red alert as someone mentioned earlier. I think explaining about the changing bag was me trying to explain that it can be challenging getting yourself out especially to a big event and maybe being a bit kinder to strangers. I’m actually quite proud of myself how I’ve handled the insults on this thread!

The otber people were dickheads. This is why I do not go to these types of events with my kids. Not worth the judgement, stress, hassle and close proximity to knob heads while also dealing with small children.

I think everyone involved sounds a bit high on something. Was the pollen count especially high yesterday, @Stephaneey ?

I agree with you. Anytime I feel down about life I come to MN. Nothing can make you feel better about yourself than seeing a bunch of women with nothing better to do on a Monday afternoon pile on a stranger. I know it makes me smug but it works.

Sometimes we can't always reach our children immediately in order to control them. I can't stand people who won't make space or let you in front of them to retrieve a small child, it's happened to me once or twice and irritates me hugely. Luckily I have an older child who will happily duck under and push past people to retrieve the little one if needed.

My kids are grown but I think you have got an undeserved and vicious kicking here! Toddlers are hard and single parenting is even harder.

I wouldn't have said anything to you. I don't think it is antisocial behaviour. But then I come from a different culture where people are quite forgiving of little kids.

Chalk it down to a bad day, have a glass of wine and try not to be anxious. It will be easier as she gets older.

They saw the kid as being allowed to do what she liked. Twice. I don’t get the bit about packing a bag and giving birth etc.

And yes, that couple were dickheads and completely OTT. I pay tax too. So what? Doesnt entitle me to shout at mums who are likely doing the best they can. A little give and take is necessary.

Actually the boyfriend of the woman had a can of lager and it would be interesting to see where he disposed of that.

I have a 3 year old before you think I’m just being toxic but I’ve also had to tell other parents to not let their 3 year old throw stones at my dog. Would I have made a big scene over a flowerbed? Probably not but it depends on what else had happened beforehand. But equally is it frustrating for you to see something destroyed, a half-arsed attempt at parenting for them to allow the child to go and do it again? Absolutely.

You have no idea about the other person’s preparedness. You don’t know if they are taking medication. You don’t know if they’ve travelled a long distance because they specifically wanted to see something there. You feel you are more justified to have an off-day and not be parenting in the best way because everyday you feel you have to put more effort into getting anywhere but you simply don’t know it’s that’s true or not.

I think everyone involved just had a bad moment and there’s no need to dwell on it any longer. It doesn’t mean your child is naughty, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad mother. It doesn’t mean your mum should automatically stand up for you. It doesn’t mean the other people aren’t good people. It just means everyone had a bad moment and those bad moments coincided at the same time.

It's not that as mothers we want "credit" for all the work and effort of giving birth and having children (that is indeed a separate topic), but can't we expect common decency from others when we are out? It is very important to respect publicly planted flowers, but can't we do that without being so rude and insulting to a parent, who in fact removed the child from the flowers? The same social contract that asks us to respect the flowers, surely also asks that we don't shoot someone down in such a way. Low hanging fruit, unlike the teenagers.

Stepaneey I am not a SM or young! However I feel that many people have lost patience with young children generally.When I was small we went to Holland,and I was bought a lamp which played "Tulips From Amsterdam" I played it over and over again on the plane home .Everyone was friendly and smiled at me .Now they would probably have a go at DM! Look you are doing your best here .As my old friend used to say! "people are arseholes " Just forget it and move on they are not worth the headspace

I agree in principle, but ongoing sleep deprivation does affect your ability to do that.

Plus they were bullying. Because they picked a no threat target, rather than challenging the teenagers nearby.

Oh this should be interesting..... 🤣

The thing is that you don’t know what her backstory is. Maybe her best friend had just died and this was the first time she’d ventured out to an event. Or maybe she was just a dick.

there will always be people to judge you as a parent - it’s best to just let it slide off you and not engage

Op learn to de escalate when you are out with your toddler especially. Show her how to manage tricky people. Almost getting into a fight or altercation will be terrifying for your child to watch. They could have been psychos and attacked you.

Your first response needs to be calm, measured and reasonable.

’Thank you for your observation’ works well in almost all situations, without agreeing or disagreeing.

You don’t need to justify yourself to anyone.