Rant and Advice for 12 yr old step-daughter

[SunnieSunflower]

Hi guys,

I think I just need to maybe blow off some steam and see a different perspective. It’s going to be a long post… but if you make it to the end any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Firstly, my partner (36M) and I (32F) aren’t married, we’ve been together coming up 3 years, so relatively new.

He has a 12 year old daughter, we’ll call her Emma, who is turning 13 in December this year. I get on with her really well, I don’t discipline as it’s not my place, and we have her every second weekend along with school holidays.

I’ve been getting increasingly worried about her unlimited internet access and no bed time routine.

I came from a strict upbringing in South Africa, I didn’t have a mobile phone until I was 12/13, we never had internet at this age and me and my sister had a bedtime routine, we had chores and expectations. We ate the dinner my Mom made at the table as a family. I wasn’t allowed out with friends even at 16, or to parties. My parents were wild, so they made sure we didn't get up to what they did. We also got smacked if we misbehaved or were disrespect (something I won’t do). I’m really cautious of this, and feel I need to be mindful that my upbringing is very different, so my expectations might be different.

Having said that, since being with my partner, I’ve seen Emma doesn’t have a bedtime, has unlimited access to the internet and can sometimes be up until 6am in the morning!! RED FLAGS. This isn’t something I’m comfortable with, and I’ve brought this up a few times. I’m not okay with kids having unlimited access to the internet, especially unsupervised, but my concerns aren’t being taken seriously.

Emma is into “Emo”/“Cyber Punk” and Anime. To be honest at 15/16, so was I. But I feel at 12 she’s too young to be playing gruesome games, like Danganronpa and Lacey Horror Games. She also listens to music I DO NOT agree with for her age like, Ayesha Erotica. I can’t write the names of the songs, it might get flagged… if she were 17+, it wouldn’t bother me as such, but 11/12, it really upsets me.

The other night when it was her weekend, she stayed awake until 6am talking to a girl she met on TikTok from America! Both me and my partner were fast asleep, I was absolutely fuming. The next day, I only managed to get her out of her bed at 4pm!! Not only that, she hides her phone from us whenever we go into her room (we of course knock). She doesn’t eat food at the table with us, she also won’t eat our cooking, she only eats chicken nuggets, chips, fish fingers and weetabix, and she eats them in her room.

She stuffs her clothes down the side of her bed and leaves her room a mess every time she goes back to her Moms, or cleans it just enough so my partner says, “good job”, but there’s food all over her bed and all over the carpet.

I’m currently going through infertility struggles, but it concerns me because I’m worried about my partner and what I feel is a very, very lazy parenting style. I’m also worried he won’t like me as a parent, because none of the mentioned above would be acceptable for my kids, which is why I don’t feel they’re acceptable for Emma.

I understand a split house is incredibly difficult, but at the same time, no routine or rules are really damaging to a child. I feel we’re doing her a disservice by allowing her to behave this way.

She does the same/similar at her mom’s house, so it’s not like she has discipline or routine there.

Overall she’s a good kid, she has manners (as much as they do at this age with hormones and such), her report card from school was absolutely brilliant.

I just don’t think what she’s doing is safe and I feel as the adults we should be creating an environment that is safe, secure and will help her grow for the future.

When I’ve spoken to my partner about it, he agrees with me but then what we talk about isn’t actioned. We agreed to take her phone off her at 1am (still too late in my opinion, but it’s better than 6am) and she gets it back when she wakes up, he hasn’t done it. I raised concerns about the games she was playing, so he removed them from her computer but then the YouTube videos she watches are just as bad… because they’re about the games she shouldn’t be playing!

I love her so much, but I don’t want to create a hateful relationship where she resents me because I become the disciplinarian. She’s opened up to me about a lot of things. I’ve raised it with her Mom, I’ve mentioned it to family but it’s all the same response, “kids these days…” and I just don’t think that’s good enough at all.

I just feel really stuck, if you’ve gotten this far, thank you for reading and any advice or words of support would be greatly appreciated. X

Don't have a child with a man who is a lazy parent.

Not even just lazy, but dangerously lazy.

hmmm ‘kids these days’ statement regarding screen time absolves parents of acknowledging their responsibility. It disturbs me when I hear this.

The simple fact is neither parent appears to be doing any parenting at all.

I’d be off like a shot because there is no way I’d want to bring another child into this shit show and you have zero agency in trying to address any of the (legitimate) concerns you have.

Why on earth are you trying to conceive with this man?

It’s concerning that it’s been more than one person saying this to me as well, it’s been some on my side of the family too! It’s made me doubt my concerns!

Why would you TTc with a man who is such a rubbish parent?

Because on all other levels my partner is great. There’s a lot of other factors here, and I’m more asking for advice on this, not me having a child. My child won’t be in a split house hold and I’ll have control over their upbringing. There’s concerns that when rules are implemented Emma won’t want to come over, and we already don’t see her very much. Not only that, it’s also his first time being a parent. He grew up in the no internet age as well, so I understand that it’s difficult for some parents to fully understand the damaging effects of this. There’s a few comments about, “why would you TTC with this man”, but I’d like to more focus on advice on how we can resolve the issues I’ve mentioned.

Why do women love to minimise that being a shit parent ultimately is being a shit person?

Oh it’s only in this one tiny way that he’s rubbish?
The poor man with a 12 year old apparently has no understanding of the internet, it’s his first child of course it’s just the practice one. Our child will be his real child.

He’s 36, he didn’t “grow up in the no internet age” for god sake!!

You say your child won't be part of a split household, perhaps his previous partner thought the same? He sounds very lazy. If you have kids, you'll be doing all the parenting. As for your step daughter, you're not wrong but there is very little you can do that you haven't already done. You've raised the issues multiple times but the reality is her father doesn't give a shit and just wants an easy life. He's a terrible father who will act all shocked and 'how could this happen' should she end up in trouble.

No one can help you resolve the issues, as you aren't her parent. Her parents are doing things they way they want. Hopefully she will grow up to be a nice person despite their lack of boundaries.

If you do have a child with this man, expect that he will parent the same and you will always be the bad guy. You can't say you will be in control over their upbringing, as you would be only 50% of the parents. Especially if it frustrates you so much that you separate.

The thing is you can’t resolve these issues unless he’s prepared to be a parent. He isn’t. What he is doing is the equivalent of letting 5 yos play with knives or matches and saying “oh well, kids these days” and hoping for the best. He is putting his daughter in danger by allowing her unfettered access to the internet.

Absolutely don’t have a baby with this man. You will be bad cop and he will be Disney dad

I think all the adults in the house are doing a total disservice to the child by not safeguarding her and shirking off responsibility. While you are not her parent, it is time that you had a serious conversation with your partner about the consequences of his non actions on the child. This is not about your future offspring but his current one. Why is he reluctant to put boundaries? Does he feel guilty about breaking up with her mother? What rules does she have in the other house? There has to be a joint meeting where everyone agrees to the rules and then lovingly and slowly put it in place for the child.

You can't resolve the issues with your step-daughter, unless your partner is willing to put boundaries in place, routines, rules and sanctions if his daughter doesn't do as she's being told. Essentially, your partner isn't parenting his child - he doesn't want 'his' time to be overshadowed by arguing, that result in her not wanting to visit, so he's just ignoring the issues because it's easier! He's not doing his daughter any favours at all, boundaries aren't something children like, but they create safe, secure, stable environments, where a child knows where they are. I didn't grow up in the internet age either, plenty of parents didn't, but that's not an excuse for lazy parenting that is actually putting a child at risk. You need a serious conversation with your partner.

Good grief stop TTC with him, you can’t be that desperate, someone can’t be a good person but a shit parent, it isn’t possible. If he’s shit at this, he’s NOT a good person. You have the have the benefit of foresight here, have some standards use it.

You are absolutely right that all adults are doing a disservice, there aren’t many rules in place for her in our house or her moms. I didn’t mean for what I said to come across as, “it’ll be better with MY baby”, it was more trying to say that I’ll have more control of things, because I’ll be their parent. I love Emma, and I want the best for her, but it’s not my place to discipline her, she has a Mom and Dad. I don’t want to have her hate me, or hate coming to our house because there’s rules, and I don’t want it to damage our relationship, but at the same time something does need to be done about it, that’s why I’ve reached out to family looking for support and why after not getting any, I’ve posted here hoping to get some advice on what might be the better way forward.

Really lazy parenting him and the child’s mum. I’d be seriously considering my future with this person if you are wanting to have kids, you are on completely different parenting wavelengths. My DD is the same age as Emma, she goes to bed at 9pm and her phone and internet use is restricted.

But why are you posting for a better way forward? Your partner is the one who should be, is he showing any concern or action? The best thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation, not make it worse by giving him the means to procreate further. Perhaps if he was on his own (as a direct result of his appalling parenting) he will wake up and recognise his responsibility, and do better for her.

Do you want a father for your baby or a sperm donor?

He’s a really lazy parent and I wouldn’t gave a child with him. You might have more control but that’s because you’ll be doing it on your own. i have dd13 and whilst are tries to push boundaries, no phones after 9, bed by 10 during the week (at the latest) and no staying up all night.

Thank you for the advice and suggestions. When you put the rules in place, and say he doesn’t listen or gets upset/acts out, what do you do? Talk about why the rules are in place, if that doesn’t calm them down is there any form of reproductions? Do you take their phone away for a set amount of time? It’s hard to ground her because she’s only here for 2 nights, and again not something I’d want to do because we only get to see her every 2 weeks.

Ia you can't 'parent' her as such, so if you can't get her actual parents on side, there's not much you can do.

Have you tried sitting down with her and explaining your concerns/why it's not healthy for her to be going to bed at 6am, etc.? She's old enough for a conversation where you say, 'Emma, poor sleep habits are putting stress on your body/brain and making it more difficult for you to concentrate at school, which will inevitably lead to a life of crime. Can you think about putting your phone away earlier?' Same for the horror stuff - explain that you don't think she's mature enough to watch whatever it is she's watching and why. Ask what she gets from it?

Yes, it's pretty wishy-washy, but your powers are limited! And explaining the rationale behind 'dont do this thing' is always a good idea imo.

The first issue is how little time your husband parents his daughter.

If he fought for more contact and this is what the court ruled then I have some sympathy for him. No one wants to be the bad guy if their time with their child is limited already and realistically he doesn't have much say if his daughter is with her mum the majority of the time. It's easier to fall into lax parenting if you only ever see them at weekends and holidays too.

But If he didn't fight for more regular contact time, so that he could actually bring up his child week in week out, he's just a lazy parent who's happy to leave the hard stuff to his ex wife.

Honestly, I wouldn't have a child with a man who chooses an easy life over making the right choices for his child. And he says he agrees with you about the phone issues etc, so that's exactly what he's doing. He's choosing not to address it then merrily sending her back to her mum where she's not his problem.

Another child about to be bought into a dysfunctional family with a shit dad and a mum who puts up with it until she just can't anymore. Oh goody.

Sit down together and make a list of some fun stuff the 3 of you or the 2 of them can do together instead of going on a phone. Then do them.
Also talk about the dangers of unlimited phone use not just screen time but that they have no idea who they are actually talking to on TikTok.
If they’re bored the phone is the answer and it keeps them quiet which is how the hours slip by. It will take a lot more effort on the adults to find attractive alternatives.
Do you know how to put on parental controls to shut down specific apps at a certain time?

I’m in a relationship with a man who struggles with parenting but I’d never live with him!

I’ve offered advice to him and put boundaries in place when his DS has been at my house,and he’s taken it on board and is trying. But you’re on a hiding to nothing with your situation as neither actual parent is willing to put the work in and step up.

And these are major safeguarding concerns. Not just a bit of rudeness or whatever. It’s a road to unhappiness all round.

The other thing to consider @SunnieSunflower , is that if you do have a child with this man, that child will be in the household with this troubled girl and how will you police different roles and boundaries? It’s totally unfair to any future child.

And whilst you believe you won’t split with him, statistics would say differently and then your child will be off with him and the whole dysfunctional cycle continues.