Rant and Advice for 12 yr old step-daughter

[SunnieSunflower]

Hi guys,

I think I just need to maybe blow off some steam and see a different perspective. It’s going to be a long post… but if you make it to the end any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Firstly, my partner (36M) and I (32F) aren’t married, we’ve been together coming up 3 years, so relatively new.

He has a 12 year old daughter, we’ll call her Emma, who is turning 13 in December this year. I get on with her really well, I don’t discipline as it’s not my place, and we have her every second weekend along with school holidays.

I’ve been getting increasingly worried about her unlimited internet access and no bed time routine.

I came from a strict upbringing in South Africa, I didn’t have a mobile phone until I was 12/13, we never had internet at this age and me and my sister had a bedtime routine, we had chores and expectations. We ate the dinner my Mom made at the table as a family. I wasn’t allowed out with friends even at 16, or to parties. My parents were wild, so they made sure we didn't get up to what they did. We also got smacked if we misbehaved or were disrespect (something I won’t do). I’m really cautious of this, and feel I need to be mindful that my upbringing is very different, so my expectations might be different.

Having said that, since being with my partner, I’ve seen Emma doesn’t have a bedtime, has unlimited access to the internet and can sometimes be up until 6am in the morning!! RED FLAGS. This isn’t something I’m comfortable with, and I’ve brought this up a few times. I’m not okay with kids having unlimited access to the internet, especially unsupervised, but my concerns aren’t being taken seriously.

Emma is into “Emo”/“Cyber Punk” and Anime. To be honest at 15/16, so was I. But I feel at 12 she’s too young to be playing gruesome games, like Danganronpa and Lacey Horror Games. She also listens to music I DO NOT agree with for her age like, Ayesha Erotica. I can’t write the names of the songs, it might get flagged… if she were 17+, it wouldn’t bother me as such, but 11/12, it really upsets me.

The other night when it was her weekend, she stayed awake until 6am talking to a girl she met on TikTok from America! Both me and my partner were fast asleep, I was absolutely fuming. The next day, I only managed to get her out of her bed at 4pm!! Not only that, she hides her phone from us whenever we go into her room (we of course knock). She doesn’t eat food at the table with us, she also won’t eat our cooking, she only eats chicken nuggets, chips, fish fingers and weetabix, and she eats them in her room.

She stuffs her clothes down the side of her bed and leaves her room a mess every time she goes back to her Moms, or cleans it just enough so my partner says, “good job”, but there’s food all over her bed and all over the carpet.

I’m currently going through infertility struggles, but it concerns me because I’m worried about my partner and what I feel is a very, very lazy parenting style. I’m also worried he won’t like me as a parent, because none of the mentioned above would be acceptable for my kids, which is why I don’t feel they’re acceptable for Emma.

I understand a split house is incredibly difficult, but at the same time, no routine or rules are really damaging to a child. I feel we’re doing her a disservice by allowing her to behave this way.

She does the same/similar at her mom’s house, so it’s not like she has discipline or routine there.

Overall she’s a good kid, she has manners (as much as they do at this age with hormones and such), her report card from school was absolutely brilliant.

I just don’t think what she’s doing is safe and I feel as the adults we should be creating an environment that is safe, secure and will help her grow for the future.

When I’ve spoken to my partner about it, he agrees with me but then what we talk about isn’t actioned. We agreed to take her phone off her at 1am (still too late in my opinion, but it’s better than 6am) and she gets it back when she wakes up, he hasn’t done it. I raised concerns about the games she was playing, so he removed them from her computer but then the YouTube videos she watches are just as bad… because they’re about the games she shouldn’t be playing!

I love her so much, but I don’t want to create a hateful relationship where she resents me because I become the disciplinarian. She’s opened up to me about a lot of things. I’ve raised it with her Mom, I’ve mentioned it to family but it’s all the same response, “kids these days…” and I just don’t think that’s good enough at all.

I just feel really stuck, if you’ve gotten this far, thank you for reading and any advice or words of support would be greatly appreciated. X

You're finding the comments here harsh but they are just concerned because your parenting styles are so different. That is not unusual and can be overcome if both parents are willing but it's often a source of tension between partners. Your situation is also complicated because of your step daughter and if you can't resolve the difficulties with her and still have a baby you will be parenting two kids differently in the same house.

Also you may want to consider that if you did split with your partner then your child would also be parented in a split household with different parenting styles.

Your partner may be a good person and well meaning. But if both he and the mother can't get on board with enforcing boundaries to keep Emma safe, then it's a big red flag.

How willing is he to engage in discussions?Can you find webinars, tv programmes, articles etc? It sounds like he's not really taking it seriously and he needs a good sharp scare about the impact unrestricted internet access can have on a 12yo. And then he needs to have a long discussion and share the same resources with his ex so you can all be on the same page.

Emma’s going to be her big sister in your child’s life an influence

This exactly. You won't be able to protect your baby from Emma's influence. She will make it very hard for you to parent the way you want.

You can shut your ears and say la la la all you like, but trying to conceive with this man is insanity. As is your confidence that your child won't grow up in a split household.

My advice is stop trying for a baby and live apart so you don't need to witness his lack of parenting.

Okay, obvoiusly, this isn't ideal, and a. bit more monitoring of her internet usage is not a bad thing. But it sounds like she's not a bad kid. My question on the sleeping thing is doesn't she have stuff to do during the day? I mean, my DS has a tendency to late bed (lots of ADHD related issues here and it drives me mad but there are battles I fight and battles I let go - in discussion with his doctor). BUT.... he's old enough to understand that if he wants to play rugby or meet his friends at the park for football, he can't go to bed too late as he can't then get up in the morning. And he's 14 too. I have learnt with him the trick is to ensure there are enough things happening during the day to encourage a healthier sleep process.

The cleaning/tidying of bedroom - annoying as shit but also completely normal. I'd be in there saying, "Um, stuffing your clothes down the side of the bed is not going to get them cleaned....Please come and put them in the laundry basket."

The food thing is a real pity and sounds like two parents who've been a bit disinterested and not willing to make enough of an effort. I don't really understand why you can't insist that she eats downstairs - we dont' always eat togehter but we do all eat downstairs and not in bedrooms. And work to improve the food choices.

But mostly what stands out to me is that certainly when she's at your house, her dad doesn't seem to have any inclination to spend time with her. There are no weekend activities planned - whether that's football club or dance classes, no family days out, no trips to the shops to pick up new school uniform, no walk with the dog, no meal at the pub, no cinema etc. Why is that?

I think this is exactly the type of behaviour that will lead to HUGE problems at 15,16,17 and the parents are absolute fools if they do not see this. I think you are right to raise it and question why your partner is not more concerned by this.

I find those who grew up without smart phones / social media can be very naive to the harm it can do. I could not sit back and allow that much unlimited access to a child within my care, wether they were my child or not.

I really appreciate everyone’s advice and feedback about my concerns. I wouldn’t consider the, “shit dad” or “you’ll be crying for help later…” or “you can shut your ears and say lalala” as if I’m not taking on the feedback, comments as harsh, but more so unnecessary. You can communicate your views or give advice without being cruel.

I absolutely agree that this situation is incredibly serious and needs to be changed now, and I’m more than happy to start putting my foot down with regards to rules and unrestricted internet access, I’m going to be sitting and putting together an action plan as to what we’ll be implementing today to discuss with my partner tonight. We actually have her for a week as she’s on school holiday, so it’s a perfect time to start getting her into a routine at our house.

it is a massive concern at her Moms house, because there is no rules, and there is a fear that she’ll decide one day that she doesn’t want to come here anymore because she can’t do what she wants, but then at the same time I know I’ve tried my best to make sure she’s safe while under the same roof.

I fully understand people’s concerns with me having a baby while in this situation. I have PCOS and I’m not ovulating, I’ve only just started discussing infertility concerns with my Doctor as I’m 32. I know the issues and concerns within my own home. This post was more to see the views of others, which has made me feel more confident with my feelings and to see what you do in your home and if I could implement something similar here. I’ve absolutely taken on board the concerns given in this post.

I am terrified of children on the internet, it seems to be becoming more of the ‘norm’. The stories I’ve heard about the kids at her school are worse and it’s terrifying. It’s not an easy world for brining up kids, especially when both parents have to work, but being able to get advice without judgement, especially when you have a serious concern is helpful in a really difficult situation.

In answer to your question, it’s only ‘teenagers today’ if parents allow it to be. I have two children, one a similar age to Emma and one a little older. They both have phones but are limited to 1.5 hours and 2 hours respectively. Both phones go off at 8 and are left downstairs overnight. They watch what we deem appropriate and are fine with that, neither have tvs in their rooms so watch downstairs or on an iPad but again, mostly downstairs. They eat at the table, never in their rooms and eat what I cook which is generally obviously food they like anyway but they have never just been allowed to eat junk so don’t expect to. They go to bed at 8 - 9 for the younger one and by 10.30 for the older. No all nighters here as they would be deeply unpleasant the next day!

People are concerned about you ttc because parenting is bloody hard when you are both on the same page. Your partner seems very reluctant to parent at all which means all responsibility will be on you and that will be tough. Your child will also grow up with an older half sister who has no boundary’s so will object to having them themselves. How do you justify that? Just think before committing the next 18 plus years with someone who seems unwilling to do the tough part of parenting.

You can't "put your foot down" and insist another adult breaks the habits of the lifetime and parents how YOU want, especially when you aren't even the mother.

Cruel is bringing a child into this, not words on the internet.

Well done Op, for taking a stand. You never know - Emma might sleep better, feel better and begin to realise there is life away from social media. But even if she doesn’t, you are doing the right thing and won’t regret trying. Chuck in some nice healthy days out as a family when she comes to stay with you for the week as well!

I also grew up with a dysfunctional sibling and it’s not fair to deliberately set that up for any future child

That whole statement screams of naivety.

“because on all other levels my partner is great.”

That means nothing if he’s not a good parent. You’re opening yourself up to a world of conflict, differences in opinion on raising children and a whole lot of resentment if you have children with him. You saying this is like saying on all other levels your car is great when it doesn’t have wheels.

“my child won’t be in a split household and I’ll have control over their up bringing.”

unless you can see into the future you have no idea if your child will end up in a split household or not. You don’t hold all the power in that decision and your partner could decide to leave you. Also if you think your partners parenting style isn’t ideal now, try magnifying that by 1000 when he has to take care of a child 24.7 rather than just every other weekend.

“it’s his first time being a parent.”

That’s the same case for every single person in the world that has a child, it doesn’t excuse shitty lazy parenting. He hasn’t got a 6 month old baby that he’s learning to parent, he’s had nearly 13 years to pull his finger out of his ass and be a responsible parent. If he hasn’t bothered now he certainly won’t with your child.

OP I have a teen DSD so know what they can be like however it doesn't sounds like anybody is setting any boundaries for this child at all?! The whole internet / TikTok thing is not something I'm even going to talk about because it is a minefield and I think every parent of 11+ kids is facing these issues currently as they all have phones / internet access and it's so hard to police. Same with her room being a mess, stuff being down the side of the bed.

However, for the following points:

She doesn’t eat food at the table with us

Why has she got an option??? You shout upstairs "DSD, dinner is on the table" and they come down. If they don't, they don't get fed?! Surely her dad is capable of doing that if you don't want to?!

We agreed to take her phone off her at 1am

1am?!?!?! Why are you both awake at 1am, never mind a 12 year old child!!!

The next day, I only managed to get her out of her bed at 4pm!!

Why are you getting her out of bed and not her dad?

it is a massive concern at her Moms house, because there is no rules

It doesn't sound like she has any rules anywhere OP.

Personally, if you have voiced your concerns and neither her mum or dad are bothered, I would take a step back. If she is polite and you get on well then I would try to play the part of older sister / aunt which means looking out for her, having a chat with her if she needs something or wants a sounding board, but not taking on a "parent" role.

And echo all the commenters who say I would definitely NOT be having a baby with this man.

But the thing is this isn’t your problem to resolve.

Youre talking about how to micromanage two adults with regards to how they parent their child.

Theyre not silly little children who don’t know what they’re doing and it isn’t your responsibility to force them to act a certain way.

You are setting yourself up for a life time of bending over backwards and having to do far more work in regards to you child and your future child’s life because you are planning on having a baby with a man who won’t take responsibility for his parental duties.

Problem you have is if you set boundaries at your house, and mum isn’t on board, the likely effect is she’ll simply stop coming.

your dh is probably well aware of this and wants to keep seeing his dd, but knows at her age now it’s her choice and if they butt heads over anything he may lose her.

he needs to speak to mum and see if she will also set some boundaries. Parental controls on her phone at least.

if mum isn’t on board then unfortunately it’s likely to continue this way.

If she is in your home, she needs to be subject to your house rules, regardless of your status as a strong parent.

• everyone eats at the table and helps to clear after
• no phones at the table

Think about rules you can agree on re phone use

• phones for CHILDREN are handed in at 9pm (my kids' phones are!) And certain apps banned/ oarent restrictions on

My DC were perfectly capable of understanding from age 7 that two different households meant that there were different parenting styles and some different rules. They were perfectly able to cope with the restrictions I put on Internet and xbox and my ExH did not have the same ones. Kids can cope with different rules in different household. Broadly my ex and I did agree on most big decisions and would enforce really bad behaviour across households.

What doesnt work though is different rules from people in the same house. So if your DP doesnt care about Internet access or eating together then there is simply no way for you to consistently enforce this without being the bad guy all the time. This is true for your kids as well as step kids.

Honestly I'd sit down for a big convo with DP and tell him that you're concerned about DSD and how unfettered access to Internet etc is laying down potential problems later (make him watch adolescence!), tell him you're concerned that you're not on the same page re parenting and then if you do have DC that this will create tension. See what he says, if he says he wants to do different but doesn't know how. Then great theres something to work on. If he says he can't see the problem, that tells.you all you need to know

I would stop focusing on what she shouldn't be doing and actually go all out in finding other things for her to do, so she's not so bored as to reach for her phone. She's clearly not interacting with you if she's going to bed 6am-4pm. She clearly has nothing to do, no reason not to hang about on line. It also sends the "we want to enjoy having you stay," message rather than your house being a fun free zone.

Have a plan each weekend, if she's into animals borrow a dog to walk, take her to quirky anime exhibitions or comic shops, have her friends round for pizza/movie, take her roller skating or to watch ice hockey or anything at all, anything - widen her worldview in real life, find real things she does want to do.

If she knows she has things to do the next day, she can hopefully learn to make sensible decisions around sleep. Your only hope is talking to her and helping her learn the consequences of staying up all night. Her parents are a lost cause but you can set a different example. If she sees you actually living, while her parents stare at their phones and just let life happen, it at least opens her eyes a bit.

Good luck, she's lucky to have you in her life and DH even more so.

Because on all other levels my partner is great - apart from the one quality you want when looking for a decent parent!

OP not everyone has the privilege of knowing their partner is going to make a shit parent before they have kids. You do!

Thank you for the advice. When speaking to other friends with split homes, they all seem to have some different rules. So that reaffirms that our house is our rules that need to be followed.

I agree with your suggestion of having a sit down serious talk about it. I had a cry last night after coming across her Spotify playlist, which she was hesitant to show me as she felt it wasn’t “appropriate”, never in my life did I expect to see the songs I did see. I told my partner and we had a serious talk, but it did open up with HOW do we go forward.

He is keen to change this, but it’s exactly what you said, he doesn’t know how and neither do I to be honest. BUT something needs to be done, and now. I’ve asked him for a sit down today, where we’re going to discuss the new way forward, using some of the suggestions I’ve read above.

If she’s at primary school, ours did loads of workshops for parents with the nspcc on Internet safety for parents. I know they have lots of resources on line as well.
would he find it easier coming from them not you?

Vile? Or honest?

Your partner has had 12 years to become a good parent and has failed. You think it’s as simple as you being able to “control” the situation when it is your child? You can’t fix someone if they decide not to step up with their own child. It isn’t because he is ignorant or incapable of doing it, it’s because he wants to take the easy route to parenting. This will lead to you being the one who is always having to lay down the law in your own house and you won’t get any back up from him, in fact his lack of action will mean you will probably end up resenting him.

You aren’t the first person who thinks they can change their man when they have a child with him, but you would be the first to actually be able to do it.

That's good OP if he wants to get some support. Id agree with PP above, school has some great resources. Our secondary runs regular webinars for this sort of thing. There's lots of help from charities too.
The main thing is that he needs to sit down with DSD and discuss some ground rules. For example I said to the DC that they could play some games that were over their age limit on Xbox but I had to play these first and approve them and if I said no then that was that. If I felt it was reasonable then I did approve but I also put my foot down on GTA for example. Put in auto parental controls on Internet so it just happens every night. And most importantly role model the behaviour, I changed to charge my mobile phone overnight in the kitchen and so that was what I expected kids to do too. No mobiles in bedrooms for any of us.
It's a tough age for kids, they mostly want to be seen and heard and they struggle with the pressures outside. Give them a stable home that's predictable with consistency and I'm sure it will get better

THIS!! I’m really struggling with this. She’s currently going through an ADHD diagnosis. I’m really crafty and arty, so is she, she makes animations and draws on her phone (so we’re getting her a drawing tablet for her 13th birthday), so I’ve decked out the table with pencils and paint but she does it so quickly so she can go back to her room or sit on her phone. We live in an area where we have otters and a great fun play park, we’ve tried to get her out for a walk to spot the otters and go wild at the play park, she’s not interested as in, we’ll force her to come out but she’ll spend the whole time asking if we can go home. Same if we’re at the cinema, even if she’s picked the movie, she actually tried to go on her phone in the cinema during the movie!!! My partner took her phone away. If we say, “here’s a tenner let’s go see what we can find in the Knick-knack shops” she’ll say no, I want to use it on Roblox. But I agreed, it’s an addiction and it’s trying to break the cycle and have her do things away from her phone.

Sadly not, but that would’ve been absolutely fantastic if they did. It sounds like the area/kids/parents could really do with this as a lot of her friends at school seem to be doing the same thing. I think getting some articles about this would be a great way to see and understand the damage and how it’s not, “just her age”.