Rant and Advice for 12 yr old step-daughter

[SunnieSunflower]

Hi guys,

I think I just need to maybe blow off some steam and see a different perspective. It’s going to be a long post… but if you make it to the end any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Firstly, my partner (36M) and I (32F) aren’t married, we’ve been together coming up 3 years, so relatively new.

He has a 12 year old daughter, we’ll call her Emma, who is turning 13 in December this year. I get on with her really well, I don’t discipline as it’s not my place, and we have her every second weekend along with school holidays.

I’ve been getting increasingly worried about her unlimited internet access and no bed time routine.

I came from a strict upbringing in South Africa, I didn’t have a mobile phone until I was 12/13, we never had internet at this age and me and my sister had a bedtime routine, we had chores and expectations. We ate the dinner my Mom made at the table as a family. I wasn’t allowed out with friends even at 16, or to parties. My parents were wild, so they made sure we didn't get up to what they did. We also got smacked if we misbehaved or were disrespect (something I won’t do). I’m really cautious of this, and feel I need to be mindful that my upbringing is very different, so my expectations might be different.

Having said that, since being with my partner, I’ve seen Emma doesn’t have a bedtime, has unlimited access to the internet and can sometimes be up until 6am in the morning!! RED FLAGS. This isn’t something I’m comfortable with, and I’ve brought this up a few times. I’m not okay with kids having unlimited access to the internet, especially unsupervised, but my concerns aren’t being taken seriously.

Emma is into “Emo”/“Cyber Punk” and Anime. To be honest at 15/16, so was I. But I feel at 12 she’s too young to be playing gruesome games, like Danganronpa and Lacey Horror Games. She also listens to music I DO NOT agree with for her age like, Ayesha Erotica. I can’t write the names of the songs, it might get flagged… if she were 17+, it wouldn’t bother me as such, but 11/12, it really upsets me.

The other night when it was her weekend, she stayed awake until 6am talking to a girl she met on TikTok from America! Both me and my partner were fast asleep, I was absolutely fuming. The next day, I only managed to get her out of her bed at 4pm!! Not only that, she hides her phone from us whenever we go into her room (we of course knock). She doesn’t eat food at the table with us, she also won’t eat our cooking, she only eats chicken nuggets, chips, fish fingers and weetabix, and she eats them in her room.

She stuffs her clothes down the side of her bed and leaves her room a mess every time she goes back to her Moms, or cleans it just enough so my partner says, “good job”, but there’s food all over her bed and all over the carpet.

I’m currently going through infertility struggles, but it concerns me because I’m worried about my partner and what I feel is a very, very lazy parenting style. I’m also worried he won’t like me as a parent, because none of the mentioned above would be acceptable for my kids, which is why I don’t feel they’re acceptable for Emma.

I understand a split house is incredibly difficult, but at the same time, no routine or rules are really damaging to a child. I feel we’re doing her a disservice by allowing her to behave this way.

She does the same/similar at her mom’s house, so it’s not like she has discipline or routine there.

Overall she’s a good kid, she has manners (as much as they do at this age with hormones and such), her report card from school was absolutely brilliant.

I just don’t think what she’s doing is safe and I feel as the adults we should be creating an environment that is safe, secure and will help her grow for the future.

When I’ve spoken to my partner about it, he agrees with me but then what we talk about isn’t actioned. We agreed to take her phone off her at 1am (still too late in my opinion, but it’s better than 6am) and she gets it back when she wakes up, he hasn’t done it. I raised concerns about the games she was playing, so he removed them from her computer but then the YouTube videos she watches are just as bad… because they’re about the games she shouldn’t be playing!

I love her so much, but I don’t want to create a hateful relationship where she resents me because I become the disciplinarian. She’s opened up to me about a lot of things. I’ve raised it with her Mom, I’ve mentioned it to family but it’s all the same response, “kids these days…” and I just don’t think that’s good enough at all.

I just feel really stuck, if you’ve gotten this far, thank you for reading and any advice or words of support would be greatly appreciated. X

I would put parental controls on the internet access. And I would turn it off or remove the phone after midnight. A 12 year old needs their sleep but needs a caring adult to enforce that.

I would encourage her to watch the occasional tv show with the family (Googlebox or something) - it makes space for a bit of low-key family time, everyone laughs together and there is a shared experience. You could make it special by getting snacks or treats ‘come on Emma Googlebox is on - we’ve got the nice popcorn - do you want a hot chocolate?…’

Use humour to get across your expectations “oh Emma before you go, are there any bowls or mugs in your room, could you bring them down love? We don’t want your bedroom to grow mould and look like the upside down by the next time you come ha ha…”

Do address the parenting thing with your DH. If you have a baby and want to establish boundaries (which is good) he needs to be on board and step up. He sounds very passive and this could quite turn into a source of frustration and bitterness when you’re in the trenches of early motherhood.

I'm worried sick about the internet, kids and screen time. But for a parent who only sees their child occasionally, when that child is old enough to decide whether or not she sees him at all, taking discipline decisions that do not apply when she's with her mother, isn't as simple as people on this thread seen to think.

I'm not saying it shouldn't be done, but at least let's have some empathy rather than deciding that this parent is 100% useless.

It will have occurred to him that telling a kid who's addicted to her phone, that she can't have it overnight, and removing it from her, will mean that she'll choose staying with her mum rather than visiting her dad. Let's be honest, of course she will.

I don't know the answer, but telling OP that she shouldn't have children with him is a massive over reaction.

And OP will be looking for sympathy in a few years time when she is dumbstruck at how useless a partner and father he is, as if she didn’t have any warning.

You are absolutely vile. I can clearly see there is a problem which I’m trying to resolve with two parents, one being my partner. You might run for the hills, but I’m actually trying to make this work. EVERY family is dysfunctional in some regard, the difference is trying to fix it, which I’m doing and he will too. If you don’t have advice on how to best move forward in terms of HELPING the situation, not running from it, remove yourself from the thread.

She's happy, doing well at school,has manners. It may not be the parenting you approve of, but it seems to be working just fine.

Your DP may be great on “all other levels” but he’s a shit parent, so if you have a child with him, your primary focus for the next 18+ years will be parenting, with a shit parent.

Why would you do that to yourself??

That's not OK at all.
Dad is useless, but if you're going to stay with him regardless then try talking with the daughter.
You can't do much about the games, but you need to have a talk about the risks of strangers online firstly. And I would also contact school, explain the situation and that you can't get the parents to deal with it, they may be willing to have a general reminder to their year group about risks of online grooming/people not being who they say they are.
Ideally ask dad if he will change her tik tok to private and keep an eye on it.

Regarding her staying up all night, would dad be on board with putting the phone away at 11pm, or at least at midnight?
Can you invite friends for sleepovers or over to the house more often so she's building real life friendships and spending more time with friends than purely on screens? If she doesn't have many close friends that might be pushing her more to crave online friends.

Shes not wrong tho. You're choosing a shit Dad for your child.

why comment when you have no advice or help, only judgement? What a horrible person you are. I’ve reached out to multiple family members for help, and all have made comments like, “it’s the norm now” or “kids and technology”, so I’ve made a post to get further input about other parents views for a start and secondly to get advice to see how they handle technology and routine in their home, to start implementing it here. You are an absolutely vile person, shame on you. “Shit dad” how about a dad who is trying to navigate hormones and difference in parenting styles, also being told by those around him it’s normal? He wants a relationship with his daughter, which means he’s worried when rules are put in place that she won’t want to see him anymore. Your judgement makes me wonder what kind of child you’re raising, and how you have no place judging my household.

You’re being incredibly niave, you’re supposed to want the best for your children, and that starts at the beginning, choosing the right man. Many women end up with absolute duds because they don’t show their true colours until it’s too late. He is telling you exactly who he is, and you’re ignoring it, you’re trying to “fix him”, such a cliche. What’s worse is that by staying with him you’re condoning him as a parent, validating him, you are part of the problem, this girl is being completely let down. And you’re going to add another child to this.

I know you think I’m being vile, I’m really not trying to be nasty, I genuinely think the way the 3 of you are being is negligent, and if you felt that about something you read, you would say something I am sure. But you’re too close to the situation to look at it responsibly, you’re wanting a family of your own and I get that, the pressure is real at this age, but you have the chance to walk away before it turns to total shit. You have the power here. Don’t worry I will go, but I hope you always remember this post.

Nope. He is equally her parent.

We can’t just absolve someone from parenting because the child might rebel and decide not to come and stay any more. That’s just slack parenting.

A 12 year old needs boundaries, and is far too young to be on TikTok in the first place, let alone staying in bed until 4 PM after being up all night.

As for food in her bedroom, I never get these parents who say that “my kids refuse to eat with us,” and then the people who say “but that’s just teens” no it isn’t.

It seems like too many parents quit parenting at 13 and put everything down to them being “teenagers”, and accept the most abhorrent behaviour.

Yes teenagers can be difficult, but that doesn’t mean you get rid of all boundaries “just in case” they feel hard done-by.

This man needs to parent his daughter. And if he’s not prepared to do that then the OP should leave. Because this is how he will be parenting their child as well, and this is the influence the step daughter is going to have on the child.

Letting her get away with it isn’t in her best interests. It’s a cop out.

And if she decides not to come any more then that’s on her. But if that’s the case she’s in for a hell of a shock when she grows up.

You care more for his daughter than he does. The poor child is clearly being neglected, at least by her father.
Do not have a child with this man, do not even think about it. Run away from him, do not tie yourself to him.

The difficulty is neither you or your partner can make a meaningful difference only seeing her every other weekend. The only thing your DP could do is have some open and non-accusatory conversations with his ex about his concerns (if he is concerned) and agree to implement some rules and boundaries together. If it's not both households there will be no change.

I agree. He is failing to keep his child safe and ensure she is healthy.

I see a future of lots of disagreement if you have a child with him, you would essentially be a lone parent but unable to split up as it would subject your child to his parenting.

Since you were wondering, my children don't have phones, are allowed 1h of tv a day, enjoy eating with us at the dining table and are completely normal. They push boundaries that we put in place for their own good, we relax those boundaries as they get older and more independent.
Parenting is hard. It's full of making decisions and sticking with them even when it gets hard. Your partner has already shown you he's not capable of that.
You seem to think it'll be different with your child as you'll have more control. I wish we could make you understand that you'll have no chance of sticking to boundaries as parents unless you're both on the same page, which you're clearly not.
You're literally choosing a negligent father for your child. I can't understand why you'd be ok with that. Project yourself honestly into the future and decide if that's how you want it to be.

Your partner doesn’t want to be an actual parent and have boundaries so he is being a shit parent. Everybody has to navigate hormones and the problem of phones/internet because they care about their kids but Emma is being let down by 2 lazy parents who clearly don’t care to parent. Unfortunately you’re the stepmum and any changes that your partner agrees to in principle is clearly to keep the relationship going. Can’t you see that ? He doesn’t really agree but doesn’t want to argue so is telling you what you want to hear.

If you have a child with him then you only have control as long as you’re ok being bad cop and he’s good cop. If you split with him then child will have weekends with you with bedtimes etc and weekends with him when it’s phone until they pass out with tiredness and struggling to get up to go to school. Pp are right that you should find a man who isn’t lazy and wants to be an actual parent. Save yourself the tears and stress.

OP this isn’t just how teenagers are.

It’s absolutely how they would be given Half the chance, but that’s why they need to be parented.

And remember she’s just 12. If she’s up all night on TikTok, showing no respect and your OH is refusing to do anything about it, by 16 she’ll be doing drugs and drinking, bringing her boyfriends back to sleep with her there, and it’ll be too late for him to do anything because that ship will have sailed.

And if by then you have another child together that is the influence she’ll be having on him/her, and the behaviour he/she will be growing up to believe is normal.

And so when he/she hits that age it’ll be demands of “but <insert sister’s name> was allowed to do it.”

Why was she woken at 4pm by you? Your partner should have plans with her at weekends. Does she have hobbies? Do they have shared activities or sport they do together (or that he takes her to at weekends?).

I think that short of switching off the WiFi overnight, you are quite limited in what you can do. Sounds like your dp isn't engaging with his daughter.

You’ll have no hope enforcing rules for your own baby when Emma can do what she likes.
I know you feel the other posters are being nasty about your potential baby, but Emma’s going to be her big sister in your child’s life an influence. You can already see how her father parents and you disagree with it. It’s not going to make a harmonious home for your baby.

I’ve got older teens. This isn’t a “kids today” issue. This is a parenting issue.
there’s so many red flags around her behaviour and safe guarding and he’s happily ignoring them. Is that what you want for your child too?

Take her phone off her at 10pm

It's is common in some households/families to be like this because it's, sadly, very common for some people to be lazy parents.

Many, especially NRP dads, chose being the fun, permissive parent over being the parent that helps mould a functioning adult who knows how to behave properly as an adult.

People aren't saying "don't have a child with him" simply to be nasty, but because it's blatantly obvious he's not going to change.

You have tried to bring in boundaries and respect in your home and he has ignored it. Despite having you there as a support he's still a lazy parent.

That will not change if you have your own child with him. The big difference will be that his laziness and disrespect (and agreeing with you to put boundaries in place, then not bothering to do so even when you try is disrespectful) will be around your child every day.

Your child, if you have one with this man, may not grow up in a split household in terms of two households, but 100% it'll grow up in a split household in terms of effort and respect. They'll see you making all the effort, doing all the work and making all the plans for change. Then they'll see him agree and not bother.

If you have a girl she'll see that as the norm for a relationship and if you have a boy he'll see it as normal to have no respect for your partner and no actual care for your children.

Just to add, my own DCs always have to eat at the table. I also reserve the right to look at their phones/social media/devices whilst they are children, if I have concerns.

Id certainly be doing this with her. I’d also remove phones and devices at night if mine were up all night.

People always just say “oh it’s fine, it’s just teens” etc because they don’t want to get involved. But it’s not

Him being good in every other way than as a parent isn't good enough when you are trying to create a child with him. It's like someone asking you, why did you buy that house when you could see that the roof was caving in and you have no money to repair it and you answering because it has a great kitchen and lovely flooring. None of that will be relevant if the roof isn't supporting the house.

He's been a parent now for 12 years and still hasn't learned how to do it well, he isn't going to learn with your kid either. This will ulimately lead you to leaving him and you will have to leave your child in his sole care at times. Surely you want more for your future child?