Rant and Advice for 12 yr old step-daughter

[SunnieSunflower]

Hi guys,

I think I just need to maybe blow off some steam and see a different perspective. It’s going to be a long post… but if you make it to the end any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Firstly, my partner (36M) and I (32F) aren’t married, we’ve been together coming up 3 years, so relatively new.

He has a 12 year old daughter, we’ll call her Emma, who is turning 13 in December this year. I get on with her really well, I don’t discipline as it’s not my place, and we have her every second weekend along with school holidays.

I’ve been getting increasingly worried about her unlimited internet access and no bed time routine.

I came from a strict upbringing in South Africa, I didn’t have a mobile phone until I was 12/13, we never had internet at this age and me and my sister had a bedtime routine, we had chores and expectations. We ate the dinner my Mom made at the table as a family. I wasn’t allowed out with friends even at 16, or to parties. My parents were wild, so they made sure we didn't get up to what they did. We also got smacked if we misbehaved or were disrespect (something I won’t do). I’m really cautious of this, and feel I need to be mindful that my upbringing is very different, so my expectations might be different.

Having said that, since being with my partner, I’ve seen Emma doesn’t have a bedtime, has unlimited access to the internet and can sometimes be up until 6am in the morning!! RED FLAGS. This isn’t something I’m comfortable with, and I’ve brought this up a few times. I’m not okay with kids having unlimited access to the internet, especially unsupervised, but my concerns aren’t being taken seriously.

Emma is into “Emo”/“Cyber Punk” and Anime. To be honest at 15/16, so was I. But I feel at 12 she’s too young to be playing gruesome games, like Danganronpa and Lacey Horror Games. She also listens to music I DO NOT agree with for her age like, Ayesha Erotica. I can’t write the names of the songs, it might get flagged… if she were 17+, it wouldn’t bother me as such, but 11/12, it really upsets me.

The other night when it was her weekend, she stayed awake until 6am talking to a girl she met on TikTok from America! Both me and my partner were fast asleep, I was absolutely fuming. The next day, I only managed to get her out of her bed at 4pm!! Not only that, she hides her phone from us whenever we go into her room (we of course knock). She doesn’t eat food at the table with us, she also won’t eat our cooking, she only eats chicken nuggets, chips, fish fingers and weetabix, and she eats them in her room.

She stuffs her clothes down the side of her bed and leaves her room a mess every time she goes back to her Moms, or cleans it just enough so my partner says, “good job”, but there’s food all over her bed and all over the carpet.

I’m currently going through infertility struggles, but it concerns me because I’m worried about my partner and what I feel is a very, very lazy parenting style. I’m also worried he won’t like me as a parent, because none of the mentioned above would be acceptable for my kids, which is why I don’t feel they’re acceptable for Emma.

I understand a split house is incredibly difficult, but at the same time, no routine or rules are really damaging to a child. I feel we’re doing her a disservice by allowing her to behave this way.

She does the same/similar at her mom’s house, so it’s not like she has discipline or routine there.

Overall she’s a good kid, she has manners (as much as they do at this age with hormones and such), her report card from school was absolutely brilliant.

I just don’t think what she’s doing is safe and I feel as the adults we should be creating an environment that is safe, secure and will help her grow for the future.

When I’ve spoken to my partner about it, he agrees with me but then what we talk about isn’t actioned. We agreed to take her phone off her at 1am (still too late in my opinion, but it’s better than 6am) and she gets it back when she wakes up, he hasn’t done it. I raised concerns about the games she was playing, so he removed them from her computer but then the YouTube videos she watches are just as bad… because they’re about the games she shouldn’t be playing!

I love her so much, but I don’t want to create a hateful relationship where she resents me because I become the disciplinarian. She’s opened up to me about a lot of things. I’ve raised it with her Mom, I’ve mentioned it to family but it’s all the same response, “kids these days…” and I just don’t think that’s good enough at all.

I just feel really stuck, if you’ve gotten this far, thank you for reading and any advice or words of support would be greatly appreciated. X

That’s a really helpful suggesting, I think some research or webinars are a great idea. Also a sit down discussion between Dad and her to discuss the dangers and damage of the behaviour and how things will be changing. I do love the charging phones in the kitchen idea, but I might pair that with turning the wifi off as well, I’m not convinced she wouldn’t take the phone when we’re asleep.

Unless he also wants to enforce rules with Emma, it won’t get better.

You have an insight that most people don’t have before having children - you can see what sort of parent your partner is. Lots of couples clash after having kids because they didn’t appreciate differences in their parenting styles.

You either have to take on parenting him and making him accounting for putting in rules and enforcing them, or you choose a better life for yourself and have kids with someone else. There is also a risk you break up in future and you can see now exactly how your child will be parented at weekends and holidays if that happens. Do you want that for them?

@SunnieSunflower you said There’s a few comments about, “why would you TTC with this man”, but I’d like to more focus on advice on how we can resolve the issues I’ve mentioned.*

but HE isn't looking at how to fix this and he will ultimately fall back when she gets upset about the new rules.

You are 100% right to be extremely concerned about this. Out of interest, have you asked your DP what he thinks will make a difference? Has he spent any time/effort thinking about what is wrong and how to fix it? Does he know what is at stake here? Does he understand the risks?

That overnight phonecall could have been a pervert pretending to be a girl. for that ONE call alone, the phone needs to come off her and no access to tech over night

We used to have my OH DD over every other weekend and we had to take the phones away overnight (1) because otherwise she would be on it from the break of dawn, but (2) her mother would deliberately contact her to wind her up and stress her out so that the little girl would be an utter basket case when the rest of the household woke up. So all phones in our room overnight and only back with her when we were around to supervise. We had to do the same on holidays, because that was a real trigger for the ex (who was the one to leave btw) she would torture her own DD to get her upset to ruin the holiday.

FWIW, the DD is at Uni now and chooses NOT to go back to her mothers on breaks. We have no idea of the ins and outs, but the mother was awful. the DD however would never have left because she loved the school she was attending and that was her safe space in the week/term time.

I totally understand the situation that YOU personally are in wrt having your own child, but please don't have a kid with this man unless there is a complete transformation of his parenting. ATM he is failing her spectacularly, you need to sit down as a couple and discuss what you want the parenting/behaviour to look like and find ways to make this happen, no negotiable, new rules or you will leave.

Phones off, and charging in your room or she WILL steal it back.

Step parent here, also a step daughter so get it both ways.
I would:

1. Make a rule that she has to do mealtimes with all of you as a family. Most important thing in my opinion, as you all get to chat and build a relationship.
2. Talk to her. Tell her your concerns in a nice way, maybe watch some stuff around online safety and listen to her point of view. Do nice things with her 1 to 1, coffee dates etc and build a relationship.
3. WiFi off from 12 and phone downstairs or off after that.
4. Food and mess in bedroom. Meh, I heat you and my daughter does the same, but for now pick the above battles and sort this later.

Good luck, you sound like a fab step mum. I know dad should be doing this but if he won't, and you want to continue the relationship I would be picking up the reins a bit.

Thank you for your advice, it’s nice to hear from someone in a similar position as in step mom to a daughter. From tonight, meal times are at the table as a family, and it’s not going to be just chicken nuggets and chips, I’m more than happy for food suggestions as I don’t want to force her to eat food she doesn’t enjoy.

I love the idea of having her watch some educational videos about the dangers of online and having an open discussion about it. She’s open with me, but that’s because I don’t discipline or tell her off so I think if I sit with her and have a one on one conversation, it’ll have more of an effect.

The phones and internet off will also absolutely be happening, it’s hard to decide on a time. We originally agreed on 1am, but that was because we went from no rules to now implementing rules. But I’ve seen a range of times from 7:30 to 12. So we’ll need to agree on a time!

Thank you for taking the time to respond with advice, it’s really helpful!

This is really really sad and really scary.

I would be looking to leave OP seriously. His good qualities don’t outweigh this.

as someone else said, you will become bad cop, while he becomes Disney dad.

it will be a constant fight.

@SunnieSunflower I understand your desire to save her and to try to create a better life. You’re a good person for this.

But it’s doomed to fail while her parents are hopeless, and it’s really not your job. Setting up for a lifetime of stress and upset.

Deliberately choosing to conceive a child with a man who you know to be an utterly shit parent is a really irresponsible thing to do. It reflects really badly on you @SunnieSunflower. Most women who are struggling with a shitty father-to-her-children didn't know how shit he would be, so can be forgiven. You know in advance. Don't do it.

You can't. You only have her two days out of 14, plus some school holidays, and her Dad isn't interested in parenting her. What is concerning is that you think he'll change with your child, or that you'll be able to overcome his crapness. This is a massive warning sign - be grateful and leave if you want a baby.

Hi OP

my kids are older now, and I brought them up with strict bedtimes and phones outside the rooms.

my SIL as the opposite. She didn’t want her kids to have strict bedtimes so they went to bed at a time of their choice. This wasn’t “just” being lazy it was a considered parenting choice.

she also let them have tech when they wanted it.

emma’s mum might be lazy or she might be making active parenting choices. It’ll be tricky for your partner though because even if he wants to have strict bedtimes and reduce tech it’s very hard to introduce that if she’s had twelve years of choosing her own bedtime.

you also mention she has adhd.

it can be very difficult for children and teens with adhd to get to sleep. Melatonin can help, but only works with some kids. Might be worth thinking about what happens if you impose a strict bedtime and then Emma is still up at 2am because she can’t sleep - and she’s not on her phone because no tech so she’s bothering you every half hour saying she is bored?

(I have a child with ADHD and yes this did happen quite frequently….)

I definitely agree that there’s different parenting styles, I feel in this situation if we deal implementing rules with it calm but stern, with explanations as to why these are being set, then maybe (hopefully) the two houses two different set of rules will go down a bit easier.

You’ve definitely highlighted a major concern regarding sleep and ADHD though, this is something she struggles with, but I’m hoping keeping her active during the day and having an hour before bed where she can watch a calmer movie might help and ease her into getting to sleep. It’s 2 nights ever 2 weeks, so if she’s up and pestering then so be it. I also want to limit sugar before bed, because that’s definitely something that’s causing problems as well.

I really appreciate your message, thank you for your suggestions!