DH working away - advice needed! Practical and resentment at DH

[BurritoTamer]

I am current on Mat leave with my 9 week old DS2 have a 2 year old DS1 as well

DH is super hands on and does 50-50 with the kids except for the fact I’m BFing DS2 so taking more of that on.

He goes away for 1 week every year which was bad when DS1 was a newborn but other than that I’ve been fine. This is happening next week.

Original when we were TTC DS2, DH had agreed a colleague would be going this year instead but the colleague has become seriously ill since late 2024 so it’s become unavoidable that DH takes the trip.

Although it’s usually fine, this time the prospect is really stressing me out. I’ve been trying to look after them both alone at the same time as much as I can and though sometimes it’s fine it sometimes is very stressful and DS2 is being left to cry a lot (DS1 can be quite intense and is a big Mummy’s boy phase at the moment)

I’ve got family help programmed in the evenings and DS1 goes to a childminder 3.5 days in the week.

But since I’ve been on Mat leave DH has been doing most drop offs and pick ups. I do it when I can but the sheer amount of BFing I have to do really gets in the way of everything else to be honest. And it’s still totally at random at the moment so unpredictable

I totally appreciate I am REALLY lucky to have supportive DH, supportive family and using childcare for my eldest but I guess it’s made me a bit spoiled and I really am panicking how I’m going to cope

DS1 is being quite wilful lately partly I’m sure because of DS2’s arrival and also because he’s a 2 year old. Everything is a battle with him, getting dressed, breakfast, going to childcare etc.

So 2 questions

1. Any practical advice for solo care of 9 week old & 26 month old? Maybe some clever tips I hadn’t thought of yet
2. Any emotional advice for the weight of being solely responsible? The anxiety it’s causing me is tipping over into massive resentment at DH which probably isn’t fair. But he gets to go away for a week and sleep in a hotel and talk to adults about work and I’m so jealous. I was much happier last year when he went and I looked after DS1 alone as I was at work and it was fine.

For what it’s worth I have plenty of friends in heterosexual relationships where the woman is the one who travels more often. My husband and I both work at a university so a lot of our friends are academics - men and women. So yes, I’d also think fathers would be able to manage if the mother was away - it’s just not how it happened in my house.

That’s sounds manageable. I had the same age gap and did it all myself from early morning until late evening and through the whole night. My 2 year old did not go to preschool and I had no help from family. I was breastfeeding both of them. It was bloody hard

To add, I wish people would stop kicking you when you're down. It doesn't actually matter what others did or think or think you should do. The reality is you are exhausted, resentful and a bit scared of how you will manage, and that's ok! That's a perfectly normal rational response to an overwhelming situation.

I have so much empathy here. My DH went away for a week when I had a 20 month old and a 3 month old. He's always been very hands on and I was scared and pissed off. Firstly, I agree with others. Throw money at the problem and get babysitters in to give support during the day or friends if available to help and make it less lonely.
From a resentment perspective - this hit our marriage hard. I told him I didn't want him to go but I wouldn't be the wife to say no and he decided it was too important. We ended up in couples therapy which really helped us pinpoint the problem was that I didn't always feel like his first priority. I was just one of many. Once he realised he was making me feel this way he made some small changes to ensure I knew I was his number 1 priority. Once I felt prioritised in the present day I was able to let go of the past resentment. I also learnt to speak up for myself more and if something was going to really upset me I'd say so, rather than trying to be the cool people pleasing wife. He also encourages me to take days/nights for myself (obviously post bf!). I'm often not bothered but just knowing the genuine offer is there makes me feel appreciated, which was another part of the resentment.
Do talk about the resentment piece openly though. I bottled it up for longer than I should and it caused problems for a while.

Ready meals, beans on toast, walks to the park, CBeebies and as much family contact as you can manage. Get housework /laundry up to date before DH goes. You’ll be fine!!

You need to lower your standards and let your house look an absolute tip. Rest when the little ones sleep. Prepare some meals you can warm up etc

Why is he entitled to do this? Because he’s a man.

NAMALT blah, blah, blah.

Before I got married I didn’t ask how we would share childcare/housework when we had DC because why would I? It’s totally natural for both parents to do their share, right? Turns out, my DH didn’t think that. He was good for the first 6 weeks or so then it tailed off after that. I remember getting to week 12 with twins and him coming in and announcing that as they’d hit the 12 weeks mark and things would be getting easier, he’d really appreciate it if I made more of an effort with the house as it was a tip. I was spending 24 hours a day trapped with my babies trying to work out how the feck I looked after them while realising who I was no longer existed and I had apparently married some ridiculous 50s twat who wasn’t going to do his share of parenting. 10 years later and he’s announced that he doesn’t feel part of the family (he’s never done family related activities so I’ve just cracked on without him), we have nothing to talk about (his conversational style is as involved as his parenting style), that living with me is like living with his best friend (relationship goals for some!) and that he loves me but isn’t in love with me. Meanwhile, I’ve given up the chance of having a career to facilitate his Big Important Job so can do nothing other than term-time minimum wage jobs. I did this because we were a team and he would always look after me and it was my contribution to The Team. Ooh…that feels better!

Anyway…

They get to do this because they can. They can opt out of thinking about the children because you’ll do it because you’re their mum and whatever happens you’ll do what’s best for them without thinking about it. It’s not fair and it totally creates resentment. What the f*ck should you have to give yourself away just because you became a mum? Men just don’t get how much we give up when we become a parent. It’s really unattractive when they don’t step up as a parent. Mine seemed to want me to devote as much time to him as I did pre-twins and when I was pissed off yet again as I had to do everything with the children he took that as not being able to talk to me about anything (his mum also thinks he’s an amazing dad 😂 He asked what year the were in the other week!!).

Practical stuff to do:

Sling tiny DC
Lower your standards massively
Work out your non-negotiables and let everything else slide. DC2 can wear a onesie all day, he can watch a movie/go on YouTube etc
Get on Cook and order some meals (well, get DH to do it!!)
Don’t be afraid to give your family housework to do. They either take the children out of the house so you can do it or they get their sleeves rolled up and do a wash/put the bins out/hoover etc
Plan farm visits (cute with lambs and will occupy a day)/soft play/days out as that will eat up the time
In NO WAY make sure things are nice when DH comes back
Once the dust has settled have a proper conversation with DH about how you’re feeling. It is possible to get back from resentment but only if you do it quickly enough
Keep hold of who you are and let her run barefoot in the sun as often as you can!

I think you have to look at this as a long game. The first 6 months with an EBF baby, it's all on the mother. You've chosen that route (for good and personal reasons I'm sure) so there is just no way to get out of it without a massive step change in your approach to motherhood. So far so rubbish, so yes your husband is never going to have the same experience of dealing with a newborn as you. So do whatever you need to do to get through the week - I would second a temp nanny for as many hours as you like. No one else is living your life or dealing with your emotions and you need to be stable (even if still a bit resentful) if you are on duty all week. So pay for the help you need. It will be 100% worth it and I've yet to find a nanny who wouldn't bite your hands off to get to cuddle a tiny baby! S that should free up a wee bit of time to spend one on one with your older one.

But you do have to remember that you also get all the good out of that massive tie of breastfeeding - it is a wonderful feeling to sit with a tiny baby and feed them. He will never get that and never understand that. It's v hard to hang on to that feeling when your 2yo is trying to come up your leg as you feed! I get it - i had 2 yo twins and a newborn and very limited childcare when on mat leave. But it's the pay off albeit a very imperfect one.

Longer term, you need to think about what your equal relationship looks like. If that is part time because you need some space in your life then do it. Your husband though doesn't get to dictate that that means less childcare time - maybe you could spend that time together instead? It's not agains the law! Or you can do a class or go to the gym just as he does. Or you do full time and he steps up and you still get more space as you have someone at home all the time who can be first receiver if there is an issue (I hope he does the majority of the nursery illness cover?). I agree with the 'make them responsible' point - I believe in full delegation of responsibility for roles - so pick the ones you hard the most and make him deal permanently and fully. He cooks more - okay then he's in charge of all grocery shopping. Whatever it takes.

And in the future do your own time away. You sound like you need it - that's not a judgment, just a reflection that you seem to need/crave the space. I have much more time away from my kids than my husband (partly because of where my family and closest friends are) since the long long days and nights of endless breastfeeding - at the start he did get his parents to help - that's stopped because actually he realised that he wanted to spend that time with them and dealing with parents on top actually becomes much less fun. Even if he does take them to his mum's, meh, who cares.

I think it's been really good that you've been able to separate the immediate issue from the bigger picture resentment, and I think the latter is where you need to focus your time, energy and make the future work better for you.

I get your frustrations, i really do. I found it hard when my DH went to HK for 2months and my kids were 16, 17! And yeh i felt jealous as well.

But, lets be honest us mothers are mostly the main parent and that will never change and again being honest, would we want it any other way?

And yes, i would think you were amazing if you could leave your children at those ages for work, its much easier for a dad to do it than a mother.

And i dont think your partner is amazing for having to work to work away, it just sounds like he's very supportive.

You'll surprise yourself with how well you can and will cope.