DH working away - advice needed! Practical and resentment at DH

[BurritoTamer]

I am current on Mat leave with my 9 week old DS2 have a 2 year old DS1 as well

DH is super hands on and does 50-50 with the kids except for the fact I’m BFing DS2 so taking more of that on.

He goes away for 1 week every year which was bad when DS1 was a newborn but other than that I’ve been fine. This is happening next week.

Original when we were TTC DS2, DH had agreed a colleague would be going this year instead but the colleague has become seriously ill since late 2024 so it’s become unavoidable that DH takes the trip.

Although it’s usually fine, this time the prospect is really stressing me out. I’ve been trying to look after them both alone at the same time as much as I can and though sometimes it’s fine it sometimes is very stressful and DS2 is being left to cry a lot (DS1 can be quite intense and is a big Mummy’s boy phase at the moment)

I’ve got family help programmed in the evenings and DS1 goes to a childminder 3.5 days in the week.

But since I’ve been on Mat leave DH has been doing most drop offs and pick ups. I do it when I can but the sheer amount of BFing I have to do really gets in the way of everything else to be honest. And it’s still totally at random at the moment so unpredictable

I totally appreciate I am REALLY lucky to have supportive DH, supportive family and using childcare for my eldest but I guess it’s made me a bit spoiled and I really am panicking how I’m going to cope

DS1 is being quite wilful lately partly I’m sure because of DS2’s arrival and also because he’s a 2 year old. Everything is a battle with him, getting dressed, breakfast, going to childcare etc.

So 2 questions

1. Any practical advice for solo care of 9 week old & 26 month old? Maybe some clever tips I hadn’t thought of yet
2. Any emotional advice for the weight of being solely responsible? The anxiety it’s causing me is tipping over into massive resentment at DH which probably isn’t fair. But he gets to go away for a week and sleep in a hotel and talk to adults about work and I’m so jealous. I was much happier last year when he went and I looked after DS1 alone as I was at work and it was fine.

"If I’m being honest though, this all feels like gaslighting myself into just pretending to be ok with a situation that I just don’t think is acceptable to me."

It sounds like this is the underlying issue here. It doesn't matter how many of us tell you how to cope and that it will be fine. Because you're not fine with it.

DH probably doesn't realise the depth of your unhappiness. He has done this trip every year and it's not his fault the colleague is ill.

You've said that he has a choice if he's self employed. How much choice does he really have ? Would he lose work or have other issues if he didn't go? Or is it a jolly?

Only you can decide if you put your foot down and tell DH he can't go. You seem to not have this as an option. But theres always options. If you were sick, he'd not go. Could you ALL go? Rent an Airbnb or family room and he can help in the evenings? Or if it's just a case of you need help then can you hire a temp nanny and get some daily help with the kids. Get a family member to come and stay for the week?

Mothers are different and youve made a choice to bf which is fabulous for your DC but does inevitably mean you're taking a role that is very full on. If this is ultimately going to lead to resentment as you have given up more of your career/body etc than DH, maybe when this week is over you should sit down witb DH and tell him how you feel. Discuss choices around bf, choices around paternity leave and who will be doing what post mat leave and how you will get the career support you want.
Good luck

Different players in a band is a good perspective and I’m interested to read your experience. Absolute kudos for doing it all in lockdown too, that must have been so bloody hard!

My problem is, I want to be lead guitar but I can’t be. I’m relegated to drums no matter what because I’m the one with the boobs and the vagina etc

Hiw do you make peace with this, generally?

I grew up really internalising the idea I could be the same as a man, equal. I work in a very male dominated role and company.

I’ve just never really internally accepted that I should be happy with less than what a man would accept. I don’t know how to do that! I don’t understand how anyone else does either

The problem is, and this is tongue in cheek but probably more true than anything else, I have male entitlement!!

So interesting!!! Especially the male dominated workplace and wanting to be treated as fully equal.

So I’ve always worked in a hugely female industry. 90% female in my old office. Only men were the bosses right at the top… YUCK. it was and still is horrendously sexist.

I’ve felt pissed off and not equal for a huge portion of my 20s.

So perhaps slipping into accepting it was never going to be the same for me and my husband came more easily to me (sadly?!)
I slid in to acceptance after initial resistance. The resentment was eating away at me too much. I was so angry about the sleep deprivation with DC1 waking 8 plus times a night and my husband snoring away in the spare room about to go to his big job in the morning.

With time I came to see the better parts of my life… he puts on a suit some days and gets on a crowder train. I put on some joggers and do a preschool run. HE feels resentment forwards me for all the tiny cuddles, sticky fingers, mornings at my own pace, little kids saying mummy you’re the best I will love you forever.
We both can’t do the same thing. He can’t do his job part time. I couldn’t do my old job part time (too full on, travel etc, late meetings), life HAD to change in our family.

I’ve got 2 DC and a third due at some point soon. I suppose at some point I leaned into motherhood more and stopped fighting, stopped feeling so pissed off. Realised it’s a season ( a bloody tough season) and I hated feeling so angry at the time (think a bunch of it was hormones sometimes, sometimes entirely justified!!)

I would never be able to put my foot down and tell my husband not to do a work trip. His job entirely relies on it. He’s not self employed so it’s not an optional thing (and you could argue it’s not for your husband perhaps?). It’s essential for his business, he has business revenue resting on it. He would be absolutely horrified, angry, laughing in equal measure if I told him he couldn’t travel for work because I couldn’t cope with 2 small children.

I really appreciate your post and you taking the time to write it.

For a while there with DS1 I was leaning into motherhood but since the arrival of DS2 I’ve really gone backwards again.

I just feel so angry all the time, and really lost.

What I’m taking from your post is that you can see a sort of pro/con to each of your roles as a partnership.

But DHs work is different, he’s fully wfh and works about 6 hours a day, 4 days a week most of the time. In July and August he just fully stops working altogether. He has no boss to answer to. He takes long dog walks and listens to podcasts and goes in our home gym every day. He earns about the same money as I do working FT . He is the first to admit he has a very cushy lifestyle. I don’t expect any help with the baby at all during his work day despite any of that.

He often takes days off to say, go for a sports massage and haircut. A few days ago he spent the whole day shopping. And he’ll do that spontaneously because he’s able to. I’m not able to do anything spontaneously. Like I say he is lovely and hands on, if I said I need a haircut you need to take the baby he would. But I wouldn’t be able to just randomly do that on a Wednesday, I’d have to programme it in with him well ahead of time.

We lead very different lives and I want to be him. That’s the problem. This trip is the icing on the cake really, and not only am I not him, I’m not even allowed to be me anymore am I?

We lead very different lives and I want to be him. That’s the problem. This trip is the icing on the cake really, and not only am I not him, I’m not even allowed to be me anymore am I?

This is it. This is everything I think. You are angry your life has changed (for the worse. I mean with the kids emotionally it’s lovely but practically your life is worse) and he has a cushty life. It makes lots of sense. I can see your POV way more clearly.

Firstly are you going back to work after dc2? I think if that’s what you want then it will even the playing field more. You just got to get through maternity and then there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

Secondly does he ever say…thank you for sacrificing? Does he appreciate you and all you are giving? Does he recognise how hard things are for you right now and the lack of balance? He can’t make it equal but he can acknowledge it’s tough for you. And if it were tough for him you would be doing the reverse. However it’s not because he’s having hair cuts and massages on weekdays.

It seems from your most recent post that there's a resentment because DH has basically got it all, his work is decent hours, he can exercise and do things for himself and he doesn't have to bear the brunt of childbirth etc.
I get it ! He does sound like he has the perfect set up to be honest. And so this is not so much about the week away but the life he gets to have vs you.
Maybe there are things you can do to push more load onto him and free yourself to be you?

I get it, OP. My DH works late shifts every other week and when he is at work I am a seething ball of fury, even though he is actually working (just read your post about Vegas...).

I recognise that this is unreasonable of me, he's working he does the school and nursery do in the morning these weeks, but I am trying to maintain a stressful and high-pressure job and his sole contribution to all of that is a morning drop-off.

Pre-children, I could use the evenings in his late shift weeks to my benefit: work late, see friends, call my family, go shopping, etc. Now, I'm constantly stressed trying to get finished work on time to pick children up at 530, then I'm tired to the house battling two fractious children alone. While he just "swans off to work" (this is how I always put it to DH and he, very reasonably!, hates how I say that).

I get really upset/frustrated by how little agency I have with it. He needs to go to work at X time, and he can't be late, so regardless of anything else that's going on, he just goes to work and I just have to deal with it.

So I get the rage and frustration.

(Edited for typos)

It's really, really hard going from one to two.

It's a massive shift, and I wonder if there's a sense of abandonment? I know I would.

For now, I think you have to make it easy on yourself and just get through it. If you can, park the bigger picture to address when he's back.

It doesn't mean you aren't right, and this is really tough on you. I can tell you you will be ok because of experience, and I can also empathise for the same reason. It's a LOT right now. If you manage to get both DCs out for a walk every day that's enough. If DC1 is late for childcare because you're struggling to get out of the house, that's fine.

My advice is focus on whatever you can to get you through. It is tough and it doesn't feel fair (probably because it isn't) but you are in the thick of it and sometimes you've just got to get through it.

You’ve had some very thoughtful, considered and supportive posts Op,
My DCs are in their 20s now so my perspective is a little different,

I’m stating the obvious here but you are still in the trenches of early motherhood and it’s really tough.
Much of being a woman and/ or mother is unfair.
The biological reality of being a woman makes it different for us no matter how much we seek 50:50 parenting especially when breastfeeding.

My DH recalls how completely in awe he was of me, what my body went through and the mother and baby bond I had.

He has always had a ‘big’ job with lots of perks and wining and dining,
I remember the resentment too.
But my DH felt an overwhelming need to provide materially and financially for our new and expanding family while I was on mat leave, so again the different members of the band analogy rings true.

Patenting is a long game.
There will be times when the role your DH plays in your DC life will be greater or more important than yours.
It ebbs and flows.
50:50 parenting doesn’t mean exactly the same parenting.
My DSs definitely leaned on my DH more in their late teens and early 20s than they did me.
I appreciate that that is a long way off for you.

Feeling angry isn’t serving you well.
You are fortunate to have family support and means.
Take it, use it and have some proper discussions with your DH about what works for you and your family in the future ( and make sure you have contraception sorted)
Good Luck.

The age gap is difficult but not impossible OP. Stop thinking about dh having a break it just builds resentment and it's not helpful for your mh. End of the day it's work and needs doing.
Be practical and organised. So whilst he is here meal prep in freezer, get the grocery shop ordered, do whatever admin may crop up before he goes. So the week your only focusing on physical needs.
Set a routine for 2yo. I'm sure you have one anyway but stick to it and have baby next to you in bouncer etc when needed or in a sling. I used to bf with one arm and help out lo with other arm if needed i.e to feed etc but my main thing was keeping it all ons schedule for toddler. Once they're down and had story and snuggle then it's you and baby and usual night shift. Also anything that isn't essential slide. I called this phase survival mode ! Good luck.

Honestly, you'll cope. You've got support and it's just a week. I usually find the things you dread tend to turn out OK. You've got this OP.

Thank you yes. It’s quite eye opening to realise it’s more about the 2 general lifestyles compared side by side than it is about the trip.

I am going back to work after, yes. I wanted to go back in Oct but will be Jan ‘26 now. Another bone of contention as usually DH takes Oct-Dec off work but this year has taken on a new project and is planning a few 1/2 night international trips in that time also. Our childminder has no space for DS2 until Jan so I was hoping DH could do the Oct-Dec bit but he changed his mind.

So reading this all back I’m realising like I’m full of resentment but how do I fix it? I’ve had the clarity about this before but DH says I just want him to be unhappier because misery loves company type thing. Which is true - I feel a bit like I live with a trust fund guy sometimes he works so little

But if I work less he wants to send DSs to childcare less, so if I go part time I’ll just be working at the job of being a Mum instead of the job I actually feel competent at!

So the whole situation just makes me feel snookered.

When I work I do 4.5 days a week, long days and half a day with DS alone. I do all childcare pick ups, all dinner/bath/bed as DHs (self imposed) schedule is working 10-12, then 2-6pm

So I’m not exactly gagging at the bit to get back to that either, with 2 children to juggle alone in the evenings after a 9 hour day at work

I was bfing no.3 and had to get a 4 year old to school on foot and had the 2 year old in tow. Give baby first morning feed then immediately put them in day change of clothes and put your clothes on. Whatever happens after this, you are dressed. Then deal with 2 year old. Baby will wait for food or sometimes cry but probably fall asleep on the way to childminder. It’s not going to be that bad.

From your updates it way more than just the week...so OP you need to sit him down and hash this out about his responsibility when he's home. He needed to start work earlier if its a choice and he's doing this on purpose to avoid childcare at bedtime. If he can he needs to help with bedtime etc. Don't make it a choice by doing it yourself.
Take random time for yourself match his selfishness to show him what it's like if he doesn't listen but this is the start of arguments so just have a proper sit down chat.

Thank you for your kind post but I have to admit I laughed aloud at the contraceptive bit…! Both my boys were very much planned and wanted!!

You mention your husband does dog walks. Surely this isn't going to be your responsibility as well while he's away?

This hits the nail on the head! Any suggestions to even it up? I can’t think of any really.

The mean part of me wants him just to get a normal job so we’re both equally miserable at least but that doesn’t actually help me ha!

He’d never agree anyway - why would he

But I am sat here wondering if this was a negotiation why would I agree to this! I work more and do more childcare lol

I’ve got her booked in kennels which makes me sad because I love the bones of her. Luckily she loves kennels and the guy who runs it loves her too!

At the start of your thread you said your DH was super hands on, 50/50 apart from feeding, after reading your posts it really sounds like he is 50/50 when he feels like it and when he chooses. I would imagine this is where your resentment begins.

So your DH isn’t a great Dad or partner he’s actually really selfish. His self imposed work schedule of 2-6pm leaves you to do the grunt work.

Equity would be that you both have equal leisure time, but you don’t.

Respectful would be that he doesn’t just swan off shopping for the day. Did he even ask if that was ok or what help he could offer did he prepare your lunch and then evening meal for you all to make it easier for you?

@BurritoTamer the contraception comment was based on my own experience of our family expanding much more quickly than we’d intended!

My hope has always been that for every generation of women it gets easier but I’m not sure it does.
It sounds as if your DH has an unusually ‘cushy’ career especially compared to yours.

I can absolutely understand where you’re coming from.
Lots to talk about with him but please be mindful that if you feel like this is affecting your mood adversely and it’s becoming more than DH blues / baby blues to seek support.

This is a tough one and I acknowledge that

It’s varied over the years since having DS1. When DS1 was a newborn I would say DH was quite useless. We fought a lot on my first Mat leave because of it especially at the tail end.

When I went back to work he really stepped up. Started doing every morning drop off and does like a weekend morning a week so I can sleep, stuff like that. I did all pick ups, dinners, baths etc.

When DS2 was born he really stepped it up a notch again, I had a section so couldn’t lift DS1 into the bath, into his cot etc so DH took on all drop offs and all the evening work too. I’ve mostly been feeding DS2.

So since DS2 has been born I can’t fault him and I’m feeling very upset at the prospect of having to do it all alone again as I’ve got quite used to the status quo of the last 9 weeks

I do find having a newborn quite tough on its own as its own job. I have done both times. I know a lot of mums don’t find that. I find my 2 year old much easier alone as he’s very good at communicating. But having the 2 together is very tough for me personally at the moment though I’ve tried to do it as much as I can bear. I’m scared of the 2 year old hurting himself whilst I’m focused on the baby

OP, you are not in the wrong for feeling this way, you shouldn’t just be expected to do it and it IS a big deal.
Before I had children, I truly felt equal to men. After, it hit me like a ton of bricks - we are worlds apart. This is when I discovered Mumsnet and the FWR boards and felt seen for the first time since becoming a mother.

You speak highly of your DH here, but honestly, I actually don’t think he is pulling his weight or stepping up.
It sounds more like he is dipping in and out for a few hours here and there, acting the hero, and getting praised for it.
I’m sure you would find that easy too, if you had the freedom to swan off on ‘work trips’ (optional, to a plush hotel, ‘networking’ in Las Vegas?), go to the gym when you felt like it, and had a live-in help who took all of the slack.

I’m angry on your behalf. What would happen if he didn’t go to Vegas this time? Is he even acknowledging that this is shit for you? Is he doing everything he can to prep with you in advance to make life easier for you while he’s away? (And don’t get me started on ‘his mum is staying over to help because he’ll be jet lagged… what about helping YOU while he’s away?)

If you can afford it, I would seriously consider getting a temporary live in nanny for this week. There are agencies who provide these and consider it a business expense.

it sounds like you are still removing from your section, you have a newborn and a toddler, are sleep deprived and possibly have some low level post partum depression. I’d not be taking the risk of letting that tip over into a more serious depression for the sake of 1 week.

You have loads on your plate. Don’t let anyone minimise that and don’t judge yourself for needing some support at this stage in your children’s lives. If you can afford it, just book it in and take the anxiety and stress off.

Christ OP I thought you were going to say working away every week, my 2 were that age when my DH was sent away on a 10 week course (back on weekends). It’s a week, you’ll be fine!!!