DH working away - advice needed! Practical and resentment at DH

[BurritoTamer]

I am current on Mat leave with my 9 week old DS2 have a 2 year old DS1 as well

DH is super hands on and does 50-50 with the kids except for the fact I’m BFing DS2 so taking more of that on.

He goes away for 1 week every year which was bad when DS1 was a newborn but other than that I’ve been fine. This is happening next week.

Original when we were TTC DS2, DH had agreed a colleague would be going this year instead but the colleague has become seriously ill since late 2024 so it’s become unavoidable that DH takes the trip.

Although it’s usually fine, this time the prospect is really stressing me out. I’ve been trying to look after them both alone at the same time as much as I can and though sometimes it’s fine it sometimes is very stressful and DS2 is being left to cry a lot (DS1 can be quite intense and is a big Mummy’s boy phase at the moment)

I’ve got family help programmed in the evenings and DS1 goes to a childminder 3.5 days in the week.

But since I’ve been on Mat leave DH has been doing most drop offs and pick ups. I do it when I can but the sheer amount of BFing I have to do really gets in the way of everything else to be honest. And it’s still totally at random at the moment so unpredictable

I totally appreciate I am REALLY lucky to have supportive DH, supportive family and using childcare for my eldest but I guess it’s made me a bit spoiled and I really am panicking how I’m going to cope

DS1 is being quite wilful lately partly I’m sure because of DS2’s arrival and also because he’s a 2 year old. Everything is a battle with him, getting dressed, breakfast, going to childcare etc.

So 2 questions

1. Any practical advice for solo care of 9 week old & 26 month old? Maybe some clever tips I hadn’t thought of yet
2. Any emotional advice for the weight of being solely responsible? The anxiety it’s causing me is tipping over into massive resentment at DH which probably isn’t fair. But he gets to go away for a week and sleep in a hotel and talk to adults about work and I’m so jealous. I was much happier last year when he went and I looked after DS1 alone as I was at work and it was fine.

Your in a really challenging period of having a 2 year old and newborn.

Can you book your 2 year old into full time childcare the times your partner is away?
Can your partner help with practical things like meal prep before going away?
Would you consider maybe giving one bottle-feed a day so someone could give you a break with your newborn?

Similar, but I had a bigger age gap (3 years instead of two) so appreciate that my life was easier... I recommend thinking through the nursery run routine in a lot of detail. Even down to who goes in the car first (the toddler) and when you lock the door. I say this because I left the door wide open and my 80-odd year old neighbour kept an eye on my house for me 🤣

Have a freezer full of easy meals.

You can't always meet both children's needs at the same time and that's ok. Sometime the older one will have to come first and sometimes the baby will. It's just reality.

And this isn't meant meanly, but it's only a week. He'll be back before you know it. (I do really relate to the sleep envy)

I actually appreciate your perspective on this. I think there’s definitely a grain of truth. The childcare is unavoidable as I usually work a very intense job and I’ve condensed my hours to 4.5 days a week to spend with DS1

DH works P/T 4 days a week so usually has a day with him also

I consider us equal parents when we’re both working as generally DH does the mornings and I do the evenings, childcare pick up and dinner/bath/bed. I’ve also always done all the night wakes as DH is really not great with poor sleep whereas I cope ok.

Since I’ve been on Mat leave we’re just adjusting to life as a family of 4 and I guess I haven’t got properly into the fine balance of everything as I am finding it tough to acclimatise and have been leaning on DH more

My family are amazing but just to clarify they come and help with my oversight they don’t take the kids alone or anything. It’s still a massive help of course! And I love them and their company so that helps the loneliness factor too

I can understand your worry OP, but I think you will surprise yourself and the reality will be better than the expectation! That’s mainly been my experience, anyway, as someone inclined to imagine the worst.

Mine are exactly 2y apart. A sling was the most useful thing I owned in the early days, and the little one practically lived in it. Husband works long hours so couldn’t do nursery runs but it was fine with the sling. This also helped on days with both children - that, plus finding the parks with enclosed play areas in case the baby needed a feed whilst toddler played.

Maybe get some meal prep in the bag before he goes away? Other than that, the day to day should be very doable with family helping in the evenings. You’ve got this!

Sling for the childcare run is actually INCREDIBLE advice thank you!!!!

Ive been trying to get DS1 to walk or boogie board whilst pushing DS2 and it’s like DS1 can smell my fear as he has epic tantrums and I have to drag him along!

If I use the sling I can force him into the buggy instead, and more importantly, he’ll know it!

It will seem overwhelming having the prospect of being on your own and juggling it all but it is very possible. My DH works away 4 weeks on, 4 weeks at home. It is very full on juggling 2 kids with that and when he first left after his paternity leave I was a mess but I didn't and don't have any family support. Will your youngest go in a sling/carrier? That was a gamechanger when my 2nd was newborn as I could adjust it so I could BF her in the sling and carry on with my day to day. Definitely as PP have said have some easy meals in the freezer ready to go and don't put pressure on yourself. Have a few plans to get out and about during the day when DS1 is in childcare and then you won't feel so alone in the house. Be very flexible with plans on the days you have both- don't plan anything where you have to be somewhere at a certain time, that puts more pressure on getting the 2 year old ready quickly and stresses everyone out.

The hardest thing I found and still find although my youngest is now 2 is bedtime but hopefully if your family can help in the evening then they can have 1 child while you have the other. Again I used to have to put DD2 in the sling while I put DD1 to bed but it was hard at times when she was unsettled as it would keep DD1 awake. It's all a juggling act but you will get there!

Honestly, the sling was such an essential for me with two. To the extent that my youngest didn’t actually ever go in the pram until they were 8 months old! They now love a pram and board combo - but it was just so much easier to have my hands (and focus!) free at the beginning.

Sling whilst getting eldest to nap, sling at bedtime, sling whilst cooking… Youngest is nearly two now and did finally come out of the sling and seems unscathed. Meanwhile, the sling is currently awaiting the arrival of number three and I’m expecting it to put some serious graft in! 😂

@BurritoTamer of course you will cope . Just like full time single parents think they won’t and they do .
You will be fine . if the house is a mess and it’s quick dinners for a week it won’t kill anyone .
Do your shop before dh leaves and you have help at night for bed . 3 days with d1 at school for a snooze when you need .
Can dh return the favour once you have stopped breast feeding .
Get yourself a couple of nights here and there away to relax . That can give you a focus instead of focusing on dh trip and resenting him. .

Like everyone else has said – sling, sling, sling. The sling is also a wonderful tool for play park visits, walks in the woods, going puddle-jumping, etc. Beyond that, it sounds like mornings could be a tricky point as you'll be on your own and it's usually DH who does them.

Know what order DH usually does things in so you can keep that the same.

Is your 2 year old the sort who would be better having breakfast kept the exact same, or could he be enticed to the table with a bit of novelty? If novelty would work, I'd consider making some fruit-sweetened muffins or scrambled egg cups or similar in advance, freeze them, then you can pop one in the microwave for a few seconds and hopefully get him to the table for a 'fun, exciting' breakfast. Equally, he can eat a piece of toast/similar in the buggy on the way to the childminder if he won't come to or stay at the table. If all else fails, presumably the childminder gives a morning snack, so try not to stress too much if he refuses breakfast.

If getting dressed is a battle, is it worth putting him to bed in joggers and a tshirt and only having to have that battle once a day?

Make sure his bag for the childminder is sorted the night before so you are not having to try to sort that and deal with the morning chaos at the same time.

Thanks for all the suggestions about the sling. I did the childcare run this afternoon with it and got DS1 and our dinners sorted and it did make a big difference. Way less stress and crying!

I guess the real problem I’m having is that I’m just so full of anger about the situation.

DH is self employed so the decision to continue with the trip is his own. We’ve talked at length about it and I understand his reasoning but, if I were him I just simply would not expect this of him.

To be honest I’ve been reading lots of posts of women in similar situations but never men. And it’s making me really resentful.

I can do this. Great - maybe I can? Maybe I am capable though I certainly don’t feel it. But why should I? Why should I have to have both kids alone for a week when neither me personally or anyone else would EVER expect this of him?

DH is considering taking both DSs to his Mums for about 4 hours alone on Sunday and his Mum actually said “you’re such a hands on Dad, BurritoTamer is lucky to have you”

So 4 hours is heroic but 7 days and nights is just, whatever?

I mean, I’m already giving so much more of myself to parenthood than he ever has or will. Sacrificing my body, my career etc. Until motherhood we were always equal. But now, he can unilaterally decide this and put this entirely on me?

If it was next year it would be different. Hard yes but it’s the fact I’m literally being left with a newborn 9 weeks post c-section as well as the toddler. He’s abandoning me and it feels like everyone is rushing to tell me how doable this all is

I don’t know what the point of this is but I just needed to write it down. In my next life I’m going to be reincarnated as a Dad because being a Mum sucks.

Pay a live nanny or a student to help?

From reading your last past I get the impression that the problem isn’t really the week he is going away. There seems to be a deeper resentment at the way motherhood has changed your life while fatherhood hasn’t impacted his in the same way? I’m just guessing and completely understand if that is the case btw. Perhaps the conversation you need to have with him isn’t just specifically about the week you’ll be alone but how you feel generally about the sacrifices you have made re your career etc.

The male/female dynamics that come into play when children arrive are unfair, there’s no getting away from it. Women are the main carers by default, with all the drawbacks that entails. You mention feeling lucky he is supportive. Your MIL thinks you are fortunate he is taking the kids for a few hours. It’s a shame women have been conditioned into feeling grateful when fathers do what they are supposed to do and look after their own children. Has anyone heard a man describe himself as fortunate because his wife supports and ‘helps’ him care for their child?

You might be coming out of the 8 week growth spurt, the bf might be a bit easier next week.

Just saw you had a section, that is tough. You are amazing.

Set your standards really low, don't try and do what you normally do.

Pick your battles with the 2 year old. Late for childcare, wearing a superman outfit...so what.

Prep (you or dh) as much as you can beforehand...have shopping in, spare calpol, washing done, lots of nappies etc

Book something for yourself for when he is back.. something to look forward to when you are in the throes of it (massage / hair appointment/ catch up with friends without kids)

I've been listening to Mel Robbins podcast. Really liked this part: the story we tell ourselves about our relationships with others really affects it and makes it true for us.

E.g. I could tell myself my husband doesn't care / prioritises work over me / is deliberately messy.....

Or

I can tell myself he works really hard for our family / provides unselfishly / gets tired but still shows up / is busy and doesn't notice he spilled something...

Love this way of thinking? Pls do you know which episode of the podcast I’m totally going to listen?

Kindly OP it does sound like a bigger mindset thing where you feel it’s unequal having a baby (it is). Him going away for a week (for work) isn’t a big deal (for me at least) sorry my husband did it a lot when I had a toddler and newborn. It will be up and down but you are stronger than you realise I promise!

This is going to sound combative but I genuinely am asking - why is it not a big deal?

I have never and will never expect anything this taxing from DH. So why is he entitled to expect this from me?

Everyone saying it’s about the general male/female dynamic post baby, yes it is. But specifically, doesn’t this situation highlight how lowly and unimportant I am?

I have no agency here.

I fully know and appreciate, from lurking on other threads and this one, I’m really strange. Everyone is telling me this is no big deal and I can just manage but like - why? Why is it ok? Just because of female socialisation it’s ok?

Trust me, the anguish I’m feeling is horrible and I would trade being ok with it for anything. But I jus don’t feel ok with it and I haven’t seen a convincing argument for why I should

Also, I’m sure the anxiety about it all is hurting me more than the actual event next week will. I went to therapy for years to try and sort my anxiety and I was feeling tonnes better until this situation arose. But I am hurting, it is real. My 6 week old has had me up every 2 hours tonight and I’ve gone to the toddler twice. This is all hard, but tomorrow DH can have them both for an hour and I can rest.

Why is this not hard enough? Why do I now have to add not even having that hour to the list of stuff I have to get through?

Why am I not allowed to want a bit more from my life than just getting through it?

Not sure how to edit, he’s 9 weeks old not 6 weeks, typo!

I think it's because it's for 1 week, but as you really are struggling, can he cancel it?

I know it feels worse if he is choosing to go, as opposed to being forced to go.

Thank you for the podcast recommendation I will give it a listen tomorrow

ive been feeling pretty low lately so I signed up to BetterHelp and I’ve got my first session on Saturday so hopefully that will make me feel more resilient

If I’m being honest though, this all feels like gaslighting myself into just pretending to be ok with a situation that I just don’t think is acceptable to me.

For what it’s worth, DH has done this exact trip every year I’ve been with him including when DS1 was 8 weeks old and that trip was one of the worst weeks of my life. I’m really not a very hardy person.

But last year when DS1 was 1 year old it was absolutely fine, I didn’t even feel upset or annoyed. It really is the newborn factor for me. Maybe it’s hormonal I don’t know.

Also for what it’s worth DH has had 5 or 6 odd 1 or 2 nights away here and there with friends since we’ve had DS1 and that has never bothered me either. I felt empowered to give him a break and like I was doing a kind thing for him

It is this specific scenario, the way I can’t veto it, it’s really messing with my head

In all honesty, I suppose it isn’t a bigger deal for me because it’s only 1 week. I’ve done longer stints and had way bigger challenges in life and in motherhood.

So my threshold and context is different. If this is the hardest this you have ever approached then I respect that for you this seems like a huge hurdle and you have every right to feel anxious.

I think after my first baby (Covid lockdown) and realising the baby wasn’t impacting our lives in the exact same way (husband back at work me doing all night shifts as ebf) it rocked me that we weren’t giving baby equal care 50:50 every minute of the day but I realised with that time it wasn’t possible. We were different players in the same band. He’s on drums and I’m on guitar. We are on the same team but we can’t be identical. My husband is giving to our family in a different way to me at times.

trip was one of the worst weeks of my life

I can see why you are so panicked about it. Do your dh understand how you feel? Can he cancel or is there someone who can stay with you

I think it is a big deal, OP – I think sometimes when people say it’s not, what’s really meant is “it’s doable” or “it happens to all of us, it’s normal”, but that’s not the same thing: everyday occurrences can still be a big deal. It’s really hard and intense, and you’re in the big hormonal part of it all: when my second was a newborn I was full of rage and despair at my life being upside-down and DP’s not. He didn’t go away for a week but he did get to go and see Blur!

(Stresswise, I don’t find looking after two solo any easier now mine are 5 and 2, at least in the witching hour shitshow of dinner-bath-bed.)

So. It is doable, you will get through it, but it’s also OK to feel the way you do about it and like just because something’s survivable, doesn’t make it not a big deal.

Sling. Freezer meal prep (DH can do this). Easy packaged snacks to the toddler, don’t faff about quartering grapes into Tupperwares for the playground when fruit roll-ups exist. Lean heavily on friends, family and CBeebies.

He does understand. He is lovely, I don’t want to paint him as nasty. He can’t/wont cancel depending on one’s perspective. He thinks the trip is important and on balance worth how it is making me feel. I disagree. I don’t think any business trip is worth this. I wouldn’t do this to him. And frankly I don’t know any woman who takes business trips and leaves a newborn baby with their DH. And I have a few close friends who do take regular business trips but they would never dream of doing this.

It is not helped that the trip is in Vegas and he stays at a very plush hotel, has all dinners out, does no actual “work” just does networking. Whilst he is away on business I barely hear from him, I might get 2 texts in a day at odd times due to the time difference

MiL is coming to stay the week after so DH can recover from the jet lag. I have my sister and my mum coming for 2 hours in the evenings to help with bedtimes but they can’t do much more than that.

Thank you so much for this it was really nice to read

I agree with you wholeheartedly.

A few weeks ago, DS1 had a vomiting bug for a whole week and it was horrendous, dealing with changing his bed every 45 mins for 3 nights in a row whilst also BFing the newborn. But I coped ok, because DH and I did it as a team, and it was just one of those things in life. It didn’t make me feel upset or crappy.

This situation feels like DH is doing it TO me, and I think that is why I am struggling to accept it as “just one of those things”