DH working away - advice needed! Practical and resentment at DH

[BurritoTamer]

I am current on Mat leave with my 9 week old DS2 have a 2 year old DS1 as well

DH is super hands on and does 50-50 with the kids except for the fact I’m BFing DS2 so taking more of that on.

He goes away for 1 week every year which was bad when DS1 was a newborn but other than that I’ve been fine. This is happening next week.

Original when we were TTC DS2, DH had agreed a colleague would be going this year instead but the colleague has become seriously ill since late 2024 so it’s become unavoidable that DH takes the trip.

Although it’s usually fine, this time the prospect is really stressing me out. I’ve been trying to look after them both alone at the same time as much as I can and though sometimes it’s fine it sometimes is very stressful and DS2 is being left to cry a lot (DS1 can be quite intense and is a big Mummy’s boy phase at the moment)

I’ve got family help programmed in the evenings and DS1 goes to a childminder 3.5 days in the week.

But since I’ve been on Mat leave DH has been doing most drop offs and pick ups. I do it when I can but the sheer amount of BFing I have to do really gets in the way of everything else to be honest. And it’s still totally at random at the moment so unpredictable

I totally appreciate I am REALLY lucky to have supportive DH, supportive family and using childcare for my eldest but I guess it’s made me a bit spoiled and I really am panicking how I’m going to cope

DS1 is being quite wilful lately partly I’m sure because of DS2’s arrival and also because he’s a 2 year old. Everything is a battle with him, getting dressed, breakfast, going to childcare etc.

So 2 questions

1. Any practical advice for solo care of 9 week old & 26 month old? Maybe some clever tips I hadn’t thought of yet
2. Any emotional advice for the weight of being solely responsible? The anxiety it’s causing me is tipping over into massive resentment at DH which probably isn’t fair. But he gets to go away for a week and sleep in a hotel and talk to adults about work and I’m so jealous. I was much happier last year when he went and I looked after DS1 alone as I was at work and it was fine.

So in my experience I and other women I know tend to do just too much even when "delegating".
So DH does the nursery run, but does he "own" the whole load re nursery? Does he pay the bills, does he know the email address or how to contact if DD is sick, does he get her dressed, is he the primary contact?, does he make notes of the holiday dates etc?
This was my experience and I learned the hard way that I didn't actually hand over things in their entirety and I needed to and also, this is key, not stress when and if it messed up. So if it is world book day or whatever, it's not your job to know it, plan for it or execute it. Even if this impacts on the child. Because if you are the safety net or chief organiser then this will never change and the safety net will just get used all the time.

My exH never got this, he is a good Dad, happy to pick up jobs and do things when asked but he never understood what it is like to be the chief organiser of DC things and he never understood how this drained me. Sure he got home on time every day for the nanny, but I paid her, I was the one who organised family holidays with her schedule, I was the one she texted if she was ill and so on.

It doesn't matter if he's paid more or not. If you have a career that you are committed to you need to sort this as 2 DC is over twice the work of one half the time. So either he picks up fully half the mental load or he doesn't and you either accept it as a family decision or you buy in the help to an extent (my nanny did do a lot of this kid admin for us).

Ah no I’ve worded things poorly he’s really not selfish. He does love me and care about me as well as the boys.

If he says to me “would you mind if I go shopping/haircut today?” etc, I don’t say no because again how does it help me? I’m sat stuck with the baby latched for a large proportion of the day regardless and DS1 is at the childminder.

If I said, next Thursday can you take DS2 for 2 hours whilst I go for a haircut he absolutely would. But he won’t accept me asking on the day of or the day before because he plans his work a certain way, has calls at certain times etc. I’m not privvy to that but then when I’m working he doesn’t get to choose when I have meetings either.

Next year, when I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old they’ll both be in childcare this specific week, I’ll take the week off as annual leave and use the time to run the house and SLEEP

It is the newborn factor that makes everything feel impossible.

I really love having children, it’s genuinely the best thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. But the newborn monotony, lack of autonomy and sleeplessness is really not my favourite tbh

Oh I do understand and empathise despite my 'trenches years' being over 40 years ago! My life changed so much from being a smart dresser with a professional job and free evenings/weekends to being a 24/7 milk dispenser and arse wiper, trapped in early motherhood. I had those conflicting emotions of being hugely in love with my babies while resenting my situation. I was extremely jealous of my DH's freedom to go out alone and incandescent when people praised him for being a wonderful Dad if he changed a nappy and told me how lucky I was.

I had some close friends in similar situations so at least we could confide in each other about our rage and that did help a bit but I was also ashamed and embarrassed to be so angry when I had healthy children and no major worries in life.

I wish I had an answer for you eg this worked or that worked but to be honest nothing really made a huge difference. My friends and I just became used to it I suppose and gradually the anger dissipated. Somewhere along the line, acceptance and contentment replaced most of the negative emotions and life became calmer. There was less anxiety and more laughter.

I don't think my daughters have experienced early motherhood in quite the same way as I did (or maybe they didn't tell me!). Of course they've had all the exhaustion etc but seemed to cope without the resentment I had.

I hope it all settles down for you soon and the angry moments become fewer and less intense. Meanwhile, grab every minute you can, plug in some podcasts and be kind to yourself. 💐

Ah I know so many women in this situation too but I have to go to bat for DH here, he is really really competent at “wife work”

He does do the childcare run with 0 input from me, I’m often sleeping in with the newborn at the moment. He definitely pulls half his weight (if not more) with life admin, laundry, meal planning, cooking etc. We have a cleaner as neither of us are good at keeping on top of that. But like he’ll cook 3/4 nights a week and clean up after himself type thing

He isn’t useless and I really don’t want to give that impression. He did take a while to get used to all the parent specific labour and sometimes it annoys me in hindsight that I just had to hit the ground running with that and he got this lovely year long period to “warm up” to it

And that he can take a week off of it now. Even if it is for work

Oh and also, to another poster I can’t find it now. But yes the trip has got genuine business need and I’m not worried about him having a jolly. It’s a very enjoyable business trip in the sense he likes the conversations he will have about the project and whatnot but he’s not going to any pool parties or anything!!

When mine were this age I used to bf one boob before play school drop off just to keep her topped up and do the other side when I got home.
i also had a baby swing and would pop her in that at my toddlers needy points as she would
just sleep in there. And don’t stress about too much housework you can tackle it together when he’s back!
arrange a food delivery half way through the week for top ups and treats for yourself

I think you have to look at the reasons why you have anguish over this

From someone with dc with similar age gap, no family help and no childcare and a dh who went back to work 10 days after my EMCS and 2 weeks after my planned CS
His work being flying all over the world and only spending a few days per month in the office in the uk
I just never thought of it being difficult or causing me anguish. If anything I looked forward to him leaving as then I was in charge of the household and could do what I liked

You have to turn this around. You are too busy thinking about the unfairness, why you have to be the one stuck behind

You have to change the narrative and look at this as a week of “freedom” to go to different places with your dc and not have to be home at a certain time. Stay out till late

Nothing beats both dc being fast asleep in the car as you drive home from a day at the beach or a theme park or day out at a country fair
Be relaxed on the discipline and get your 2 year old to help out with his brother whilst having a fun day out.
I found having a foldable pushchair, buggy board and reins for toddler attached to an extendable dog lead really helped (I also had a dog as well)

If anything I enjoyed my time alone with dc so much that I dreaded to think of dh being home or even retiring.

It’s only a week. You have help.
Like others have said this doesn’t feel like a practical issue, it’s a resentment issue.

I've been there. All the advice for extra childcare, slings and ready meals are good. Be flexible with childcare pick up times too. Go early when it suits you.
And the annoyance and fear in advance of being on your own is likely to be worse than the reality. You'll settle into a new routine quick. And probably be pissed off when DH comes back and unsettles it. It's a difficult stage, but you know he's not going for the fun of it.

I completely get it OP, I really do. You know deep down (as others have said) that you’ll be ok - but that’s really not the point. Why should you have to struggle so much when your DH knows you’re going to find it tough? It’s hard enough doing it with help, let alone solo.

I think (for me anyway) the anxiety in the run up to it was what I really struggled with. It’s the feeling of being trapped - it being all on me with no choice. The lack of control over the situation. It was also the feeling of being abandoned- that went back to some deep seated stuff from when I was younger but there was also the resentment that my DH could carry on life as normal and mine had changed (including my body) in ways that I didn’t think it would. It also felt like I wasn’t the priority and when I explained how I felt there was a sense that DH didn’t really listen / understand because he chose to still go away. It was also the sense that I felt like everyone else was managing, why couldn’t I? I felt like a failure.

Throw in hormones and lack of sleep on top of everything else, and it’s rough.

Like you, I also don’t love the newborn stage. My DS has just turned 3 and now if my DH went away (which he does), it’s fine.

So, no practical advice I’m afraid (I’m not sure that’s really the issue here) but I wanted to let you know that I understand why you are feeling the way you are - and I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.

I did it with no family help. Every 6 weeks dh worked away.
It was survival mode including microwave meals.

I had this a lot when my kids were that sort of age, including a 6 month stint when they were 1 & 3.

Practical advice - sounds like you have this covered with loads of help from family. I'd just add that it helps a lot to really lower your standards - if you're all alive at the end of the day, you all had something to eat and noone has poo on them that's a good job done.

Advice on resentment - it sounds like your DH has tried to make alternative arrangements but they've fallen through with the colleague. It also sounds like he's otherwise good (short of growing some boobs). He is probably worried about money and wants to shmooze in order to get money for the family - if you're tied to the kids by breast feeding this is a thing he can do to make all your lives easier. He will also probably have a nice time, eating good meals and getting full nights of sleep - I'd suggest you be happy for him about this because you love him and he's just been through the same life changing events you've been through. Then he can be happy for you when you have a little solo break post breastfeeding which you absolutely should do! Getting into a cycle of competitive martyrdom will be awful for your marriage - instead support him and assume you will get support back.

Live in nanny for a week.

Also regarding sleep,friends would put their babies to bed at 7pm. They would go to bed at 11pm and baby would be up at 1am then would wake throughout the night leaving both friend and her dh knackered

As baby slept about 6 hours I would take baby to bed when I went to bed and then I would get 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

It will be fine. You'll just have to crack on, don't worry about tidying the house, do easy dinners, it's only a week. One of my friends is doing something similar but for 6 months, and working full time as well.

It is difficult when you are ebf as you do feel like you are chained to the baby some days. Although I enjoyed the feeding and am glad I did it, I also felt claustrophobic at times.

He could just quit his job I guess? How would you manage then?

Honestly, I made the decision to not have a second child because of the feelings you describe. You have no agency here because you have two small children who need you to keep them alive, I don't think that's entirely your husband's fault as presumably you played a role too. You will be fine. The week will fly by

I'm on my own next week too, albeit with a school aged child. I'll be working, looking after child and dog and home while DH works abroad for a week. Do I resent it? No, what he's doing sounds tiring and I chose my local government job for the convenience and flexibility, if I wanted to go jet setting with work I'd have found a different career!

I've just re read a few of OP posts. Why wouldn't you expect him to do solo childcare for a week? Loads of Dad's do, I travelled with work most months and DH had to get on with it, just I did when he was away. Some travel is very normal for most jobs, but maybe not yours?
Work travel saved my sanity with small children. I got a few nights sleep and adult company and being jealous of that is totally understandable. But it's not helpful.

Sorry to go off topic slight but you said your DH doesn't work at all in July, August, October, November and December?!?!

What does he do because I would like that job 😂

Does he pick up most / half of the childcare during these months?

Yes, it’s a bonkers thread.

Why does he get to decide how much childcare the DC go to based on your hours, and why is he self-imposing a schedule that absents him from bedtimes? My friend has a husband like this who airily says “I’m a night owl, much prefer working alone at the office til 10 then getting the late train back”. He has the option of being there for bedtime but left her to juggle a resentful kid who’d just started reception, and a newborn, because he preferred it. I mean, I prefer sleeping in till eight, weeing alone and doing whatever the fuck I want whenever I want to, but I have children so I adapted my rhythms to that.

Don't worry about getting to nursery for a particular time in that week, just get your 2yo ready and then go when it's a good slot in between feeds. Nursery will understand I'm sure.

I’m not surprised you’re angry - I don’t think your partner sounds very nice at all! My DH was self employed when our 2 DCs were young but go out for the day to shop - WTF! A week on a jolly; following his own pursuits you have got to be kidding!

I have a three-year-old and a one-year-old and I’m just about to go back to work in a new and more demanding job and my husband is going to pick up the slack.

But for the last year, I’ve been doing all the childcare while he makes a big push at work.

I really think that actually, it’s less about this week for you (tiring though it will be!) and more about you not feeling like it will ever be your turn? But it can be! If you want! And of course you’ll have to make that happen but you can and then hopefully it’ll be great that your husband has all this flexibility to support you