DH working away - advice needed! Practical and resentment at DH

[BurritoTamer]

I am current on Mat leave with my 9 week old DS2 have a 2 year old DS1 as well

DH is super hands on and does 50-50 with the kids except for the fact I’m BFing DS2 so taking more of that on.

He goes away for 1 week every year which was bad when DS1 was a newborn but other than that I’ve been fine. This is happening next week.

Original when we were TTC DS2, DH had agreed a colleague would be going this year instead but the colleague has become seriously ill since late 2024 so it’s become unavoidable that DH takes the trip.

Although it’s usually fine, this time the prospect is really stressing me out. I’ve been trying to look after them both alone at the same time as much as I can and though sometimes it’s fine it sometimes is very stressful and DS2 is being left to cry a lot (DS1 can be quite intense and is a big Mummy’s boy phase at the moment)

I’ve got family help programmed in the evenings and DS1 goes to a childminder 3.5 days in the week.

But since I’ve been on Mat leave DH has been doing most drop offs and pick ups. I do it when I can but the sheer amount of BFing I have to do really gets in the way of everything else to be honest. And it’s still totally at random at the moment so unpredictable

I totally appreciate I am REALLY lucky to have supportive DH, supportive family and using childcare for my eldest but I guess it’s made me a bit spoiled and I really am panicking how I’m going to cope

DS1 is being quite wilful lately partly I’m sure because of DS2’s arrival and also because he’s a 2 year old. Everything is a battle with him, getting dressed, breakfast, going to childcare etc.

So 2 questions

1. Any practical advice for solo care of 9 week old & 26 month old? Maybe some clever tips I hadn’t thought of yet
2. Any emotional advice for the weight of being solely responsible? The anxiety it’s causing me is tipping over into massive resentment at DH which probably isn’t fair. But he gets to go away for a week and sleep in a hotel and talk to adults about work and I’m so jealous. I was much happier last year when he went and I looked after DS1 alone as I was at work and it was fine.

I wouldn’t mind if it was just my 2 year old, I did it last year it was fine

The year before that it was “just” a newborn and for whatever reason, whether that’s because I’m a massive wussy or because it’s hard (your opinion may vary), I found it really tough. Mostly the emotional side of being solely in charge, keeping the baby safe, what if I need to take him to hospital? Etc those thoughts. Practically there has been so much great advice which I really appreciate and I also appreciate the emotional advice even when it’s not so much in my favour - ultimately I do just have to get over it and ruminating over it isn’t helping me at all.

I think my current levels of sleep deprivation are not helping the emotional side!

In terms of quitting his job? I know you’re being facetious but genuinely, actually yes. I earn really good money and could support our family on my income alone. I would LOVE a SAHP as a partner, it would be fantastic. My life would be much better and I’d enjoy motherhood much more if it was… fatherhood.

But he loves his work, and although he’d be great as a SAHP he doesn’t want that life and I can’t blame him for that at all

Yeah, this. Choosing to have a two-hour break in the middle of the day and choosing to work through to 6, conveniently missing the nursery run and the start of the witching hour - nah. If he was employed, ok. But he has a choice about the hours he works, and he should be changing those hours to fit in as much childcare as he can. He’s being selfish otherwise, and I think that’s the root of your resentment.

Echo @BellissimoGecko- the two hour middle of the day break then leaving you to do every evening (easily the worst shift) isn’t ok. That needs to be looked at especially as he has control over his own schedule.

There isn’t really a fixed schedule for either of us. Since DS2 arrived we’ve taken every day as it comes, the 10-12, 2-6 pattern was how it was in 2024 when I was working FT

So although I’m in agreement we can review this it doesn’t really solve the issue I’m having, which is to say I suppose his flexibility in his working life benefits him far, far more than it benefits me and I can’t see any way around that

How do I “win” out of this? And in terms of the trip, it panics me the most because it genuinely feels overwhelming to me. I do a lot with the boys alone but I’m not coping very well when I do and I do stupid things like forgetting to lock the house or leaving the drier on. I don’t feel capable of this. If I felt capable I wouldn’t post here. I have quite low self esteem and really was not sure about having children in the first place as I really struggle to trust my own judgment. DH is the sensible, calm one. I really rely on him emotionally.

All the hard things I’ve done, like pregnancy and having the section, I don’t think I could’ve done without his support.

It sounds like you could afford a mothers help or even a nanny, perhaps even a temporary one for several weeks.

I don’t have any experience of nanny’s but definitely something to consider. We could afford it but I’m not clear how it would work, I assumed Nannie’s are like childminders like they want a permanent placement not adhoc?

It's only one week.
You presumably chose to have 2 children.
It's his job - I honestly don't know how you can be angry at someone for doing their job.
You have other support, and lots of practical advice.
I honestly don't know what you expect the poor guy to do.

So get practical @BurritoTamer

You have 5 or 7 days to sort out. Write each day on a planner and come up with something to "help" on each day

Do you have a relative who can come and stay ? A mum or sister? If they can't stay for the week, could they stay for 1 or 2 nights. Assign them some duties like breakfast duty for DC1. Or drop off or pick up. Or both.

Can your cleaner do some extra hours and prepare some food/do some tidying up/watch TV with DC1 whilst you get a nap?

Is the trip soon? It's nearly school hols. Is there a teen of a friend who could come and do some hours as a mothers help. Even if you just get them to play trains with DC1 then that's a help.

Does DC1 have a keyworker at nursery or can you ask the nursery staff if any of them do babysitting ? Again, just having a few extra hours on a couple of days may be helpful.

Is there another mum or parent you know locally with similar age DC? NCT buddy or nursery? Would they be happy to do pickup for DC and a playdate for 1 day.

Give all these options to DH and ask him to help find a solution!

@BurritoTamer- you sound very competent. I wonder if you are suffering from PND? I’d advise you to make a GP appointment to discuss how you’re feeling.

No matter how much we want men and women to be equal, we’re just not. Men can’t give birth or breastfeed, so that makes things more complex after birth.

The best thing might be to accept this, while also thinking about what you can do to make yourself feel happier in the meantime. Time to yourself? A lie-in? Taking up an old hobby that you haven’t had time for?

Things will get more back to normal as your baby grows up, but you’re in the trenches now.

You will be fine for the week your h is away. Honestly.

There are specialist temporary nannies particularly used for newborns but also to cover illness or holiday for permanent nannies. If you google local nanny agencies particularly those who provide maternity nurses (which are short term placements for newborns) they can help find someone

I have never and will never expect anything this taxing from DH. So why is he entitled to expect this from me?

But why wouldn’t you expect this of him? I have to travel for work, OH is perfectly capable of looking after the kids in my absence.

I have wondered about PND/PNA myself as I do accept that my feelings about the situation are probably out of kilter with the reality. I was feeling very shit generally last week and signed up to private therapy which starts tomorrow so I feel better knowing I can talk this through with a professional.

I do suffer from anxiety anyway but had this under control before DC

DH is surprised I am feeling this bad about it. He keeps reiterating I can cope and I’ll be ok. But it feels mean for him to just state this when he has never and will never do it himself. I wouldn’t leave my 9 week old baby. He admits if the roles were reversed he would take the boys to his Mums for the week and she’d do the lion’s share of the work for him. This is what he did when I had a night away with my friends in 2024.

Try an agency - there are often nannies between jobs who would come and stay for a week and help you out.

Good job your dh isn't in the forces.

Ah I explained this poorly. He has had our DS1 alone a few times. But never a newborn baby. He’s never looked after either boy as a newborn for more than a few hours at a time alone. It’s the fact he’s 9 weeks old that I am saying I would never ask or expect of him, not that he can’t mind his own children generally

I think there are not many fathers who look after newborn babies alone for overnights. Maybe I’m being unfair but I’ve never heard about it or even read about it on internet threads.

It is this that I think is the double standard to all the “it’s perfectly doable”. It’s perfectly doable… for Mum, not Dad. No one would expect that of Dad

Yeah I have a lot of respect for military couples and I don’t deny that military wives are doing this sort of thing day in and day out without turning a hair. Kudos to them! I wish I was that calm, collected and capable. I know other Mums do it, I know they’re capable of doing it

It sounds like you're juggling a lot and good for you putting the dog in care while he's away. It's not helpful when people say - I did it so why can't you?

I think this seems like a problem to throw some money at to help you out while he's away and maybe after he's back too so you can get some time back for yourself. If it were me, I'd book a daytime Doula every day he's away from 9am - 5pm. They are there to help with household things and support you, like cooking, laundry, etc. I'd also bring in a night doula/night nanny at least a few nights so you can have a bit of sleep. The doula will bring the baby in to you for night feeds, but otherwise will look after the bub (nappies, soothing, etc.) while you get some rest.

If hubby isn't down with that, then suggest he halves his 'gym, massage, shopping time' so that you can take the other half for whatever the fk you fancy doing.

The bar is really millimetres off the floor for men.

Yes, you can get short term nannies – if you google short term or emergency nannies and your location, you'll hopefully find some options. Depending on quite what you think would help most, looking locally for a babysitter or mothers' help might give you what you need more cheaply.

More broadly, how could DH's flexibility benefit you more? Not as much as it benefits him, perhaps, but more than it does now. Could he take DS2 (and DS1 if home) for walk during his lunch break every day to give you an hour to yourself? As feeds stretch out, could you have a regularly scheduled morning or afternoon where it's Daddy and DS(s) time for a solid few hours?

Quite a way in the future at the moment, but as he works fewer hours, once you're back at work, he should be doing the morning routine or pick up/dinner/bath on his own with two a significant amount of time to facilitate your longer hours. Quite possibly he should be doing most of the drop offs/pick ups, even when the getting ready or dinner and bath is both of you.

I do not think you have to justify to anyone your feeling that you need some help and will find it hard to cope. If that is a fact then that is a fact. Just get on and do what will make it easier for you.

What others/army wives or whoever do is entirely irrelevant. You do what you need to do.

i have two kids and when the kids were little my husband worked away 3-5 days a month for years. I have a few friends who had partners who were away Mon to Friday or for weeks at a time and we all coped. Not saying I loved it, just that you can and will be okay.

my husband and I are immigrants so it was just me every time he was away. It actually got much trickier after mat leave as I missed a lot of work (we both work full time) and that did affect my career - not in the sense that I don’t have the right to parental leave or a lovely boss, but I can never have a job that requires travel as we have no other options and I had to drop things a lot when my daughter was a toddler and in hospital a lot. And the years of trying to get pregnant, being pregnant, breastfeeding etc etc. And I do feel resentment that my husband only experienced a small
percentage of it all for sure.

however on a practical level - give yourself lots of grace. I still remember when my husband was away a couple of weeks when my daughter was almost 3. I had severe morning sickness with my son so couldn’t face food at all and ‘made’ her Heinz hoops straight from the can for 3 nights in a row. In my defence, she loved it that way but I felt terribly guilty. She’s totally fine of course.

so just pare down to whatever you really can’t avoid. Treat yourself to a takeaway, prep some freezer meals, whatever would just save you a few minutes wherever you can.

Thank you this was really good to read. And yes I think it’s a good idea to look into these options. 9-5 help like adhoc nanny seems a good idea!

I felt sorry for you, before i read this.

But get a grip, its one week. How do you think single parents cope?

Sounds like you have an amazing partner and you're shitting all over him because he has to work away.

Also sounds like you have an fantastic family network, be grateful.

This is coming across as jealousy, because he'll have a child free week (albeit working still) and you have to take care of the kids.

Oh you’re not wrong. Single parents are incredible. When DH went away when DS1 was a newborn I literally said to him when he came back it made me realise how easy it would be for him, logistically, just to walk away from us. It was very sobering. And yes I’m certainly jealous, I’m not denying that!

Out of interest, would you think I was an amazing partner for working away and leaving DH with a 9 week old and 2 year old? Or is that only qualify as amazing when a man does it?

You don’t seem to understand biology. Or have fully researched parenthood. Perhaps you just didn’t choose the right partner for the parenting journey you want. But you seem pretty unrealistic as to what parenting, mothering especially, is.

If one week has really left you this frustrated, you’re in for a bloody long 18+ years. Parenting can’t be done 50/50, you can try to make it fair, but it won’t be fair 100% of the time, for me, a lot of the start was on me. I carried the baby. I had the maternity leave. I BF. That was on me, I couldn’t do that remotely. As they got older the shift frequently changes, I’ve worked away, I’ve gone on holiday without them, I’ve taken the job that required DH to step up more than 50/50.

It’s how it goes. Stop seeing it as a competition with him.

If you have the budget look into maternity nurses. They can be booked at a day's notice and will work at night so you can feed and then go straight back to sleep without spending hours winding and settling the baby. With a decent amount of sleep you will feel much better able to cope. I think they will also help with your older dc but you would need to discuss that.