AIBU to be upset with grandparents

[2cleverlovingchildren]

So my mum and dad have been saying that they wouldn’t look after DS overnight until he was the same age as DD was (even though they had originally planned to look after DD 3 and 1/2 months earlier but then couldn’t due to Covid lockdown) so DD ended up being just over 3 years 8 months. DS is currently that same age and they promised to have both kids for one night over the Easter school holidays (which they were both looking forward to).

Today they emailed me to say:
“We haven’t looked after DS for an overnight at your place so we don’t know how he’ll be with us. Based on that it might be better if his first night away was at MIL’s as she’s looked after him at your place.

We still have concerns about DS’s tantrums and not doing as he’s told. We need to be sure that everything and everyone is safe and we are not confident of that based on what we have seen.

When DD has been here there has been absolutely no problems and that is what we would like to happen when DS is here. We’d like it to be a happy time for all concerned and it to be fun.”

How should I handle this? Is this normal? AIBU to be upset by this?

i think the whole emailing thing isn’t great to be honest, they obviously don’t feel up to having them both over night so I’d just give up on that idea if I was you, you want them to have them because they want to not as some kind of big favour x

I asked that as it had gone well could he stop at May half term. That’s when they said that he wouldn’t.

They are not looking after them at Easter and MIL is for one night at hers in about 4 weeks time.

They emailed because they know that you have difficulty taking no for an answer, and they didn’t want any ‘misunderstanding ‘.

It is upsetting, OP. I also have an active child, who I think is considered a bit of a handful. As my first, I have no parenting experience without them to compare. Invited to fewer playdates, less family help offered, even patronising sympathy given to me sometimes!

Your parents obviously feel they can't/don't want to handle your son. It's absolutely their right, but I also feel a bit hurt when the people I feel should love my kids best shrug them off.

My mum lives far away but has always made a big effort, even when they tired her out, and she got to know their individual personalities - they have such a great relationship now and the kids love her.

Sorry if that sounded a bit harsh towards you, @2cleverlovingchildren! It was more aimed at posters who are whipping up a frenzy and making this out to be a bigger issue than it is.

I think you need to be patient. It might be helpful to point out that your parents won’t have the same relationship with your DS as your DD if they don’t spend as much time with him and it could be damaging to both your DC and their relationship with them if they feel their grandparents favour you DD. They probably don’t. I do think you need to accept that they have valid concerns about having a sleepover with both DC while your DS is a toddler. I would be encouraging them to spend time with him in other ways instead of a sleepover. If they are genuine, they will want to do that. They don’t seem unreasonable. They tried babysitting to see how it went.

Keep an eye out for any real signs of favouritism. I don’t think this is. It would be different if your DS were older but, as I said, it’s only a matter of months in difference!

I understand but the issue is they don’t drive. So either I drive to there’s (45mins) and bring them to mine to stop over at mine for a weekend or I drive to there’s and drop kids off and have to go back. So then spending time and building a relationship is difficult in a day by the time you’ve knocked off travelling time there and back so it’s easier if they stop here or vice versa. They don’t just pop on over. Public transport takes them 2hrs 40 mins door to door.

I had this when my kids were small. The paternal grandparents only wanted to take the oldest child because she was 'no bother' and the youngest was still in nappies. I said no, they're sisters and it's both or none. They took both.

You need to just accept that your parents have reached a stage of life when they don't feel comfortable looking after a 3 yr old overnight. You don't need to grill them about specifically what it is they feel they can't handle. They've told you they don't feel comfortable having him, so believe them.

There is no 'right' to have overnight childcare. If you ever needed it, then you need to build a relationship with other people who are currently parents of young dc to offer a reciprocal arrangement.

YABVU not to just accept this as a fact, and be appreciative of the nights you've had over the last 5 years or so, rather than resentful it has come to an end.

It sounds like they just don’t want to. Mine were the same, agreed in theory then started coming up with every excuse in the book not to actually look after them 😂. Which is fine as previously said it’s not compulsory, although disappointing. I would readjust expectations and find alternative babysitters if you want the odd night away

Again, that is a practical problem. You can’t hold that against them. You need to work together to solve it and make sure that your DC don’t feel that there is favouritism because of practical issues. Encourage them to do some more babysitting and maybe suggest they try having just your DS to stay without your DD at first after he has had a few sleepovers with your MIL. Or wait until he is older and at school. Unless you tell your DC that there is favouritism and keep pointing out that your DD had sleepovers as a toddler, they won’t know (unless there are other reasons to think they favour your daughter?). It’s unfortunate that your DD already knows that she stayed over when she was 3 but she wouldn’t have remembered if the adults in the family hadn’t told her (I’m not blaming you, it’s natural it may have come up in conversation). You should probably explain to her that it is different for your DS because their GPs are older and it is harder to look after 2 children but he will get his “turn” later, it doesn’t mean they love or like him less.

They don't want to look after a 3 year old over night. It's not their child, not their responsibility and they are older. I believe there is still such a thing as freedom of choice even, god forbid, for grandparents (although you wouldn't believe it sometimes reading Mumsnet).

I don’t know. She remembers everything. As I said she’s actually much older mentally. When she was 2 years old she remembered me purchasing one of her Christmas presents from smyths in the January sales and how much I had paid. 😂

Just reply 'that's fine will find an alternative solution. Thanks.'
As a grandparent of multple sleepovers! I find that strange and quite rude.

Honestly sometimes its honestly as simple as playing favourites. My friends mil did this she was only interested in taking her oldest child friend would say that's fine if its 1 at a time but she insisted she would only take the oldest each time.. the result was she took none as it wasn't fair to younger kids