AIBU to be upset with grandparents

[2cleverlovingchildren]

So my mum and dad have been saying that they wouldn’t look after DS overnight until he was the same age as DD was (even though they had originally planned to look after DD 3 and 1/2 months earlier but then couldn’t due to Covid lockdown) so DD ended up being just over 3 years 8 months. DS is currently that same age and they promised to have both kids for one night over the Easter school holidays (which they were both looking forward to).

Today they emailed me to say:
“We haven’t looked after DS for an overnight at your place so we don’t know how he’ll be with us. Based on that it might be better if his first night away was at MIL’s as she’s looked after him at your place.

We still have concerns about DS’s tantrums and not doing as he’s told. We need to be sure that everything and everyone is safe and we are not confident of that based on what we have seen.

When DD has been here there has been absolutely no problems and that is what we would like to happen when DS is here. We’d like it to be a happy time for all concerned and it to be fun.”

How should I handle this? Is this normal? AIBU to be upset by this?

What the heck?!? Every bloody 3 year old tantrums and doesn't listen sometimes? How ridiculous. Tbh I wouldn't want my parents to look after my kids if they couldn't handle all sides of them.

It seems very formal and like it would be much better as a conversation rather than email. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your parents or whether this is normal for you.

They're obviously not comfortable/ confident in having him and that's their choice, they don't have to watch him nor can be forced. It's obviously not ideal for you but just one of those things. His behaviour is obviously different to your Dd's which is normal but for people not used to it can be challenging.

None of my kids grandparents have had them over night and that's just what it is.

That reads really mean. He’s only little. I’d tell them to shove it. I wouldn’t want him to go now anyway as they don’t seem to enjoy him. I’d be so angry and hurt for him.

out of interest, why would they email?

We still have concerns about DS’s tantrums and not doing as he’s told.

here is your answer. Your daughter is well behaved and they can handle her. He is a different child.

Why on earth are your parents emailing you? Just pick up the phone! Feels so formal - bizarre.

This sums up all my thoughts.

It seems an odd way that your parents and you communicate, but if they aren't feeling confident, then it is far better they say so (with plenty of notice as they have) than have them both and struggle.

Remember, your parents are not presumably 3 or 4 years older than they were, and you are also talking about looking after2 people, not 1.

'Being upset' isn't reasonable or unreasonable - it is a feeling personal to you that you can't control, but you should appreciate the fact you've been lucky enough to have overnight care at all, at any point, and accept that your parents no longer feel up to it.

Do they usually contact you by email? If they don’t feel comfortable they can’t be forced but it’s poor form to agree them back to when ds is excited about it

Well they are basically saying they don’t feel like they can handle his behaviour. Why are they emailing you? Sounds very formal

Well they obviously don't feel able to keep DS in line which is odd, we're you an only child op? Has anyone else remarked about your sons behaviour?

Sounds like they don’t feel confident in being able to look after him

fair play for them telling you although strange for them to email

Email is a bit weird . Other than that they are being completely honest . Looking after one is different to looking after two . When I have one DGC in my care it’s extremely easier . With two, they fight a lot and it’s exhausting sometimes. Yes, you may be upset but they are entitled to their decision. And telling them to shove it as some pp suggest is going to do you no favours .

Tbh I wouldn't want my parents to look after my kids if they couldn't handle all sides of them

One of dh's nephews was a horror show at 3 (also at 4, 5 and 6). We refused to mind him - as did his grandparents. He eventually grew out of the tantrums and is a lovely kid now but he was unmanageable for quite a while.

They are worried they won't cope.

They've put it into email because they want it in writing and therefore on record.

Two is a lot more tricky than one.

Can you talk to them and try to find out what they feel they could manage?

Maybe DS on his own and then DD on her own?

Better they say in advance than it is a complete car crash.

Some kids are more difficult to look after - my cousins (two boys) hit my grandparents and they refused to have them.

At the same age, me and my brother used to sit there playing crafts when we went to my grandparents. They had us and didn't have my cousins. Tbh I also hated being around my cousins, my aunt never told them off and they were so violent.

It sounds as though your parents don't want to watch your DS as he's badly behaved. I think they're within their rights to say this

They are saying they don't think they can handle him overnight. It sounds like he's more of a handful than your daughter was at that age. Not unreasonable, possibly a bit off to get MIL to try first but if she's happy to then that's probably for the best.

"We’d like it to be a happy time for all concerned and it to be fun.”

Ha.

Well, yeah, wouldn't we all, but that's not going to happen. Kids will be kids.

Sounds like they have unrealistic expectations, but I guess it's up to them.

They are being honest with you and it is hard dealing with two small children one of whom gets upset especially overnight. Lower your demands and be grateful for what is on offer.

Saying they'd rather not do an overnight is fine in my opinion.
Their reasoning is due to unpredictable behaviour and being unsure whether they can manage it.

My in -laws didn't really feel comfortable managing the responsibility of what to do if one of them fell ill or hurt themselves. Mine are almost adults now and have only stayed over for one night.

This is not a reflection on your son. They are not saying that his behaviour is terrible, just that they don't want to have sole responsibility for him in this way, presumably for a non emergency. It doesn't mean they love him less or think of him less.

There are some benefits to "doing as you are told" and behaving according to your caregiver's expectations. Some people can do this from an early age, others never.
None is perfect.

I think it’s fair for grandparents to say that they don’t feel confident looking after ds rather than pretending that things are ok and struggle or resent you.
While your Ds’ behaviour sounds normal, some people can’t /don’t want to deal with tantrums. It’s a shame that Ds knows about this sleepover and will have to be let down.

A few comments really

Why do your parents email you? If you have such a distant relationship with them that you correspond by emails which actually reads like it is from colleague to colleague, a business conversation, rather than a family one, then I’d say you probably don’t have a close enough relationship with them for them to watch children.

Regarding their actual comments though I don’t think you can really complain, although I get why you’re disappointed. It sounds like your son is difficult/unpredictable to handle and they don’t feel equipped to cope with that while keeping everyone safe and happy. Personally I’d be happy that they’ve said that and called it off rather than agreeing to it when they were uncomfortable and then something going wrong.

Email odd but has there been history for them where they think it best? We don't have their side

Wow

Mmm children are unpredictable and can misbehave

If they can't deal with that then how can they look after children full stop

I'd be tempted to reply "after reading your message and giving it some thought I think you're right, it doesn't sound like you'd be able to safely look after DS."

And then never ever suggest they look after him again.

I think it's fine for them to feel that they can't look after him safely, but the delivery is pretty clinical and a bit judgy ("based on what we have seen"). There's no sense of affection and they haven't tried to soften the blow.

Compare and contrast: "We would love to look after DS, we adore spending time with him and he's such a funny/ loving little boy. But to be honest now we're a bit older we've lost our confidence at dealing with 3 year olds by ourselves, they are just too quick on their feet and unpredictable! We're so sorry to let you down but we just don't feel capable of looking after him safely right now. Can we revisit this in a few months and in the meantime maybe you could all come round for lunch on Sunday?"

This. However, it was previously suggested that they had one and then the other. They said they’d only take DS if DD was there as she would be a big help. She’s 8 years old but very mature and high IQ. Much more like a 12 year old really. We agreed that they’d therefore both go but now they only want DD and not DS.