AIBU to be upset with grandparents

[2cleverlovingchildren]

So my mum and dad have been saying that they wouldn’t look after DS overnight until he was the same age as DD was (even though they had originally planned to look after DD 3 and 1/2 months earlier but then couldn’t due to Covid lockdown) so DD ended up being just over 3 years 8 months. DS is currently that same age and they promised to have both kids for one night over the Easter school holidays (which they were both looking forward to).

Today they emailed me to say:
“We haven’t looked after DS for an overnight at your place so we don’t know how he’ll be with us. Based on that it might be better if his first night away was at MIL’s as she’s looked after him at your place.

We still have concerns about DS’s tantrums and not doing as he’s told. We need to be sure that everything and everyone is safe and we are not confident of that based on what we have seen.

When DD has been here there has been absolutely no problems and that is what we would like to happen when DS is here. We’d like it to be a happy time for all concerned and it to be fun.”

How should I handle this? Is this normal? AIBU to be upset by this?

@littleteapot86 thanks. That makes me feel better.

I'm glad. I think you have also had some very odd responses on here too which doesn't help 😅

I wouldn’t push for sleepovers at all-
in fact I’d limit all visits and interaction- they sound horrible and judgemental

I know it isn’t. I just want both my children to enjoy spending time with gp and be treated the same. Not one preferred to the other. I love them both equally but for different reasons. They bring different things to the family.

That's what you want but your parents also get to make choices for what they want (and their wants for their lives trump).

It's really better if reluctant grandparents don't look after a child they don't want to. Your son will get the vibe and that's not good for him. Better both your children enjoy them with daytime visits only.

What I wouldn't do is allow my DD to go overnights if your son isn't being treated the same way. Favouritism isn't okay.

I'd reply and say you absolutely agree and that you've had second thoughts due to concerns about their ability to look after their grandchildren. Wouldn't leave my kids with them and just suck it up for a few years.

It's tricky, and tbh I'd consider taking a huge step back.

You've said they're very focussed on just your daughter and playing favourites isn't fair. From what you've said even your daughter has noticed and now doesn't want to go.

On one hand you don't want to deprive your daughter, but it's not acceptable to stand back and let the kids be treated differently. But you shouldn't force it because if you're not there you can't supervise and make sure they're treating him well.

In this case I'd probably reply and say that's a shame, the kids were looking forward to it and perhaps they would like to come over for the daytime they were supposed to have the kids sleep over instead? If they say oh we meant we'll still have DD just tell them you told her brother wasn't going and she got upset and doesn't want to stay anymore herself. It's true.

Well at least they are honest. I've never really had grandparent help, so you are ahead of me. First sleepover was Beavers.

Sorry to hear that. It’s sad that some gp don’t see grandchildren as much as they should.

"Should" is a subjective value on your part. You don't get to decide how often grandparents should see your children. There's no actual right or wrong, just what works for different families.

Mine never did overnights and didn't even really do days.

Maybe. But I’ve never heard someone say they spent too much time having fun with their family/gp etc. but I have heard people regretting not spending enough quality time with family/ grandchildren etc.

However I am now seeing that I need to change my expectations of what time they’re going to spend with my children and that they need to treat my children fairly. So thanks MN for helping me to realise this.

You don't get to decide what is enough for other people though. Or what their priorities should be.

How was your relationship with your grandparents? I never saw mine so I suppose it didn't follow that my parents felt they had to have mine stay alone either. I'd want to be different, but it depends on lots of factors how that would come together.

Some grandkids are better with less grandparent time anyway, especially if there's favouritism.

I wouldn’t be letting them play favourites by just taking DD, thats not fair. And theres something about the wording “we still have concerns…” that makes me think they are critical of your parenting and using this as an opportunity to make a point?

Maybe you could explain that the reason they enjoy DD so much is because they took an active role with her from your sons age and you really don't want your son or daughter negatively affected by any behaviour that may come across as favouritism from them.

I know it isn’t. I just want both my children to enjoy spending time with gp and be treated the same

But they aren't the same.
One is a compliant 12 year old, and the other is a 3 year old. That would be difference enough, but then adding in that your little one seems to have some more challenging behaviour than your dd did, is makes it more so.

Plus, now you have said your dd is 12, that means your parents are more than 8 years older than when they first had your dd.

The DD is 8, not 12.

It is up to them, whether to have DS for a sleepover or not.

And it is up to you whether to allow them to treat your DD as a favourite pet.

I would appreciate their honesty and neither child would be going for the sleepover and instead invite them to visit you, or you visit them for the day. I would be as equally honest with them that I expect them to make an effort to build a relationship with DS as they did with DD. And if they can't or won't do that then visits would be limited as I don't think it would be helpful to DD and DS's relationship and DS's self-esteem.

Yes, I agree that treating them fairly is going to be increasingly important, and likely worth starting to take a bit of a stand on it now - your son will soon be old enough to notice the difference and your daughter is starting to notice.

It’s not unreasonable of you to have expected similar time to be spent with both grandchildren given how they’ve been with your first child. But don’t think that it’s always like that - my kids have absolutely adoring and hugely loving grandparents. But they don’t live at all close by, so we never left them for overnights until they were a fair bit older- my parents would come to stay, or we would visit, spend lots of time with them, and sometimes when they were sleeping more reliably we’d go out for an evening and they’d babysit, or perhaps an afternoon. But it would be maybe once a year or something. Logistically they were never going to be able to have them on their own on any sort of regular basis. So it was a lot harder to do that sort of thing.

There's one "well my child never did that" person keen to hijack every thread isn't there 🙄.

OP they just think they can cope with your DD because she's older and easier to manage (and maybe because she's a girl who knows) and your son is a three year old boy and they can be hard work (which is totally normal). I think you need to just accept this even if it's annoying. I've found with my in laws as they get even 3 or 4 years older they have lost confidence with certain things. I'd be a bit annoyed about the wording of the email though.

Oh, apologies, I misread.

Still, they are still 4 years older.

Obviously you can't force them to want him to stay. I'm surprised they can't see how hurtful this is though.

Their loss. Your son (and daughter) sound great. You are also lovely for protecting your daughter from your real thoughts on the matter.

I do think some parents of girls think little boys are a different species when often they love the same activities as little girls. Perhaps they need to see him a little more to appreciate him? Totally understand you shouldn't have to 'sell' your kids to their grandparents though.

So here’s the update on the current situation. My parents are coming to stay next weekend. They’ve offered to have the kids and put them to bed whilst they here so we can go out together for a few hours and they can see how things go. Obviously I’m still nervous as to how they feel about DS but I’m pleased that there has been a big move on there side so hopefully it all goes well. I also hope we all get back to normal.

That’s great OP. Sounds like a very sensible step. Good luck, hope it is a step on the way to rebalancing things for you all.

Thanks. Me too

I am glad they found a compromise that gives you a date night!

I was going to mention that my parents have to do things differently with ours than with my nieces but they’ve found a way for you.

And it is reassuring that they want the time with DS