AIBU to be upset with grandparents

[2cleverlovingchildren]

So my mum and dad have been saying that they wouldn’t look after DS overnight until he was the same age as DD was (even though they had originally planned to look after DD 3 and 1/2 months earlier but then couldn’t due to Covid lockdown) so DD ended up being just over 3 years 8 months. DS is currently that same age and they promised to have both kids for one night over the Easter school holidays (which they were both looking forward to).

Today they emailed me to say:
“We haven’t looked after DS for an overnight at your place so we don’t know how he’ll be with us. Based on that it might be better if his first night away was at MIL’s as she’s looked after him at your place.

We still have concerns about DS’s tantrums and not doing as he’s told. We need to be sure that everything and everyone is safe and we are not confident of that based on what we have seen.

When DD has been here there has been absolutely no problems and that is what we would like to happen when DS is here. We’d like it to be a happy time for all concerned and it to be fun.”

How should I handle this? Is this normal? AIBU to be upset by this?

I think they are right to have concerns. You’re jumping the gun. Having a different family member care for you overnight at home for the first time is a big thing for a toddler. Staying away from home without a parent is an even bigger step. It’s too much to ask of a toddler to sleepover in an unfamiliar environment with GPs who have never put him to bed before even. There is a good chance of tears and tantrums. It’s not fair on him or them. You need to build up to it. It might have gone okay for your DD but the GPs are older now and 2 adults dealing with one tearful toddler is much easier than trying to deal with a tantrum when there is another child to care for as well.

From what you have mentioned about your ds being prone to tantrums I think it's highly unlikely that they'd feel comfortable taking him to museums/sitting at the table playing board games as they do with your dd and are worried about keeping him entertained and happy.
I'm sure when he's a bit older it will be fine, but children mature at different times and it does sound too early for your ds to sleepover at your parents atm.

This, completely.

@2cleverlovingchildren your post this afternoon reads as if you think they (Grandparents) have done something wrong, and that they somehow 'owe you' childcare.

It seems to me you haven't accepted all the thoughts pps have shared with you about both your dc being completely different personalities (as is the case in many families) plus the fact the grandparents are those few years older, plus they would be trying to meet the needs of 2 children, not 1.

If they won't have your DS, I wouldn't let your DD go either. They are making it very clear that she is their favourite. The way they wrote about your little boy in the email sounded quite unkind and judgemental.

They offered to look after the kids back in August. They’ve told the children in February that they were looking forward to having them at there’s for Easter half term which they then have changed their minds about (and yes I agree they can and they’re older- but they then shouldn’t have told my children).

They’ve taken onboard some of my feelings and have now said that me and my DH can go out while they put the kids to bed this weekend. I feel this is a good compromise. DD is excited to spend some time with them with her brother but without us which is what she wanted.

DS has been to museums before and enjoy them. He eats out in restaurants (such as miller and carter steakhouse) and behaves appropriately at night. The suggestion of regular temper tantrums is wrong. It’s not daily he has these.

We’ve taken the children to shows, cruises, museums etc and all has been fine. DS loves playing games such as snap or memory games which they can play at the table. So I feel some of the comments are unfair.

It sounds a good compromise.
For what it's worth I was really close with my grandparents but only spent 2 nights at their house at the age of 14! I spent a couple of nights at my nans when I was ill and my nan was looking after my the next day whilst my mum was at work and only because the alternative was dropping me off at 6 am.

My daughter is 4.5 and both sets of grandparents have had her for the odd day/ part day and my in-laws have had her for an evening once. I wouldn't want anyone to have her overnight until they had done bedtime unattended a few times. She has a complicated bedtime routine due health issues and not the best sleeper. My aunt and uncle had my cousin's kids whilst they went away for a few days and they found it difficult even though they look after them frequently the breaking point for them was the overnights. 24h childcare is quite different to 16h childcare with a restful evening night without the children and being "on duty" even if they are good sleepers!

Babysitting and you getting an evening out sounds like a good stepping stone!

Update: my parents looked after children between 4:30 pm and 11:15pm on Saturday whilst me and DH had a night out. Youngest was in bed by 7:20pm and eldest at 8:30pm.

All seemed to go well. Everyone said everything was good.

Then late Sunday afternoon turns out son won’t be allowed to their house as on Saturday night he refused to go to the toilet before tea. I would hardly say a 3 year old saying “I don’t need the toilet” as refusing. As they then said “no wee, no tea” and he went straight away.

They also say it’s because approx 9 months ago (when he had just turned 3) that he was swinging on the desk at their house on a day visit and that they’ve seen him climbing drawers at ours once at same sort of time.

The fact that he hasn’t done these things since and is much older etc is not taken into account. As far as they see it because he “refused” to go to the toilet before tea then he doesn’t follow instructions.

He also got upset on Sunday when we were playing a family game as he wasn’t winning (so did DD a little later when she wasn’t) but it was another example of he needs to follow rules and we should be harsher on him. I said he’s still learning about winning and losing and DD had done the same, but there response is that she’s no problem, even though she cried and got sulky as brother was then winning her.

That’s ridiculous of them OP. But I’d turn it back to them - if your son isn’t “allowed” then it turns out none of you will be visiting. Time to keep reemphasising the package and not giving them a chance to double down on the favouritism. Especially as their reasons are so spurious.

Oh the battles I have with my 4 yo about weeing on demand! Not usually because of it being tea time but if we are about to get in the car for more than a short while or out for a walk. It seems like they are judging him by the standards of an older child.
Its a tricky one as the less they see him the more they will hold his behaviours as a younger child as how he still is now and want see him growing and developing the skills they want to see but at the same time I agree with the above poster. They can't pick and chose which of your children they are and hold off visiting

So the issue is they don’t want to have your son overnight? How about just respecting this and continue to see them as a family. My parents liked having just one child so they could focus on giving them an age appropriate good time. I’m sure they will feel more comfortable with your son as he gets older but even if they don’t try not to go to war over it as some people are suggesting.

Have you read OPs updates? There is BLATANT favouritism going on. I'd be scaling right back to visits only when supervised by OP and her DH.

They wouldn’t be looking after either of my children after that email.

I would personally say “both children or none”

They are setting up (perhaps unintentionally) an unhealthy dynamic where your daughter will be perceived as their favourite.

That’s not good for either child and will cause all sorts of problems later.

Overnights and time without parents aren’t required to build a good relationship with grandchildren.

If they don’t want your son overnight that’s fine, but they don’t then get to have your daughter alone.

I suspect they have just got older so less tolerance of small children. Not great but how it is. I just think big fallings out don’t help anyone in the long run.

I disagree that it’s blatant favouritism. I think it is quite reasonable that they don’t want to look after a toddler and an older child, even if they looked after their DGD at the same age. They are older than they were when she was a toddler, they may have less energy. It’s much harder to look after 2 kids than 1.

They are right. You need to watch toddlers like a hawk if they are climbers. Toddlers don’t follow instructions. They aren’t able to control their emotions, they have tantrums. You can reason with a 7 year old who is upset about losing, you can’t reason with a 3 year old. They might have been able to cope with 1 toddler and 2 GPs but not with 2 kids.

Your DS is very young for overnight stays with GPs. I think they are reasonable to say they can’t cope with him yet.

I agree that it is a difficult situation because they might not form such a strong bond as they have with your DD if they don’t spend as much time with your DS. A very real and reasonable practical issue could turn into unintended favouritism. I would explain that and be encouraging them to spend more time with your DS alone, taking him out on trips etc. Perhaps his first overnight stay would be better without your DD so he has the full attention of both grandparents.

I wouldn’t be rushing to accuse them of favouritism or pushing them to do something they don’t feel able to do.

It is favouritism, even if it is because of their age. They're reaching back for every possible 'reason' they can't have him and have to take the older one out for a fun day spoiling her. They both got upset when not winning, but it was only a problem when it was the younger one. Not to mention the fact OP said in her earlier posts the elder daughter has gotten upset that they don't want to see the younger one when they see her.

OP sees the favoritism and doesn't like it, the daughter sees it in her own way and doesn't like it.

I don't think it should be 'both or none ' as I wouldn't trust them to be nice to the younger without supervision. I'd be stopping any unsupervised visits until they show they can treat them equally.

So your parents have banned your three year old from their house? They sound more childish than your son.

My response would be that none of you will be visiting their home or inviting them to yours. You are a family and for them to exclude one member of the family, a small child, is horrible.

Your son's transgressions are so minor and unfair, considering his age and the fact that your daughter also got upset about not winning and she is much older and more capable of regulating her emotions. She is obviously their favourite who can do no wrong in their eyes, but it isn't healthy for either your daughter or your son to be treated according to their double standards.

Come off it. They have just banned the three year old from their home. One of the things he did (getting upset when he wasn't winning a game) was also done by his older sister, but the grandparents were fine with her doing it. That is blatant and unfair favouritism.

I’d be completely fucked off with them. No visible favouritism allowed on my watch. Polite message back: that’s a shame, I wish you could realise that ds is a completely lovely perfectly normal 3yo. It won’t work for us for just dd going to visit. Thanks for looking after them Saturday.

and I’d just take a complete break.

This is very unkind. I would feel much like you, protective of my little boy, who sounds perfectly normal. I would not be letting either child go to stay right now, as I would not want them being given even more opportunity to build a pedestal for your daughter.

We had similar in our extended, very loving family. When my older kids (now 14 and nearly 13) were around 5, my parents would very happily have my son, the younger one on a regular basis, but not my daughter. She was fiestier, more energetic etc. I didn't really pick up on it at the time, but for example when they were home educated for a few years there was one morning 'session' a week that we couldn't cover between DH and I...my parents offered to have my son but not my daughter, who went to a childminder. When the extreme anxiety that brought her out of school in the first place kicked in and we couldn't get her there without trauma, they still wouldn't have her, so I left my job.

We are nearly 10 years on and now have a 7-year-old boy as well. Who is so much like my daughter at a similar age. My parents roll their eyes at him etc, until I point out that they are now just comparing him to teenagers, of course his behaviour is louder, more energetic etc. The once 5-year-old girl who couldn't sit still or be quiet is now a 14-year-old girl (who still doesn't really sit still) who doesn't really speak! They change, and grow, and develop. And expectations have to be in line with their age. It is so easy to 'rose-tinted glow' memories of what older children were like when they were younger, framed by their more mature attitudes as they grow. But that is so unfair to the younger ones, who need to be allowed to be their own age and person, without being unfavourably compared to an older sibling.

I once said to my mum (when she commented that I seemed on edge at a family gathering) that I was stressed managing everyone's expectations, because I just wanted everyone to love him and see how brilliant he was. For his age!

Sorry, a bit of a rant there...you can tell it is a sensitive spot

And why did he have to go to the loo before dinner? Is this a standard 'thing' I don't know about, or just a "he wouldn't do as I say" issue?

If they don't want your son in their house, that's their choice. But it's your choice that your parents may not play favourites, as that will damage the brother-sister relationship - so neither of your children will be visiting.

It's incredibly short-sighted of your parents, and will damage their relationship with their grandson. I suspect they'll moan when he's a teenager that he never wants to see them, and by the time he's adult they'll just be 'mum's parents, I don't really know them that well'.

I think I'd keep them at a distance. You don't want the DC thinking the grandparents have favourites. Nor do you want the Grandparents making promises and letting them down. Cool it off, invite them out once every couple of months, not to your house. I get it, it is really hard when you have no childcare, I'm the same. But these aren't the sort of people you want around your children.

All seemed to go well. Everyone said everything was good.
Then late Sunday afternoon turns out son won’t be allowed to their house.

I think OP means her DS won’t be allowed to their house for the Easter sleepover that this babysitting night was meant to be a trial run for, not that he is banned from his GP’s house forever, @thepariscrimefiles. It doesn’t make sense that GPs who are willing to try and facilitate the sleepover OP wants and willing to babysit her DS would suddenly decide his behaviour is so bad he isn’t welcome at their home. Perhaps @2cleverlovingchildren can clarify?

Treating your grandchildren equally doesn’t always mean treating them exactly the same. Children are individuals and different. Let’s put this into perspective. Your DD had her first sleepover with her GPs at 3 years and 8 months. Your DS is 3 years and 9 months. Is it really that unfair if he has to wait a bit longer for his first sleepover over because his GPs don’t feel he or they are ready for it? It’s still only ONE MONTH difference! I doubt he will ever realise if you don’t tell him. I doubt your DD would realise either if you hadn’t told her… You should have just said your parents think he is not ready and too young when she said it is unfair.

Your parents are trying to make this work. They offered to try babysitting as a trial run. They suggested he had his first sleepover with your MIL as she has cared for him more.

The ridiculous advice to cut them off, stop your DD visiting them or only allow supervised visits is far more damaging to your DC than your DS having to wait a little longer for his first sleepover 🙄 You are effectively telling your DC there is favouritism and damaging their relationship when there probably isn’t, they just can’t deal with both kids. Give them a chance to work up to having both kids 🙄

Just blatant favoritism isn't it? Don't let either go it is do cruel