AIBU to be upset with grandparents

[2cleverlovingchildren]

So my mum and dad have been saying that they wouldn’t look after DS overnight until he was the same age as DD was (even though they had originally planned to look after DD 3 and 1/2 months earlier but then couldn’t due to Covid lockdown) so DD ended up being just over 3 years 8 months. DS is currently that same age and they promised to have both kids for one night over the Easter school holidays (which they were both looking forward to).

Today they emailed me to say:
“We haven’t looked after DS for an overnight at your place so we don’t know how he’ll be with us. Based on that it might be better if his first night away was at MIL’s as she’s looked after him at your place.

We still have concerns about DS’s tantrums and not doing as he’s told. We need to be sure that everything and everyone is safe and we are not confident of that based on what we have seen.

When DD has been here there has been absolutely no problems and that is what we would like to happen when DS is here. We’d like it to be a happy time for all concerned and it to be fun.”

How should I handle this? Is this normal? AIBU to be upset by this?

You’re absolutely right. What they say is actually fine, it’s the delivery that makes it sound mean.

There really are some three year olds whose behaviour is very difficult to manage - beyond what you'd think of as normal three year old tantrums. If you haven't encountered a child like this, then maybe you can't understand how it is for other people, so I don't think your parents are unreasonable if this is true here. It's better that they are honest that they don't feel they can handle him than that they take him and it go badly. It doesn't mean your son is awful, just that they don't feel they can deal with it at this time.

They’re nervous. They need reassurance, support and compromise just like you’d give any other person who is anxious.

But, hey, they’re your parents: they’re not really allowed to have feelings, are they?

I don't think they are being unreasonable but can you stay over too so the children aren't disappointed, gp can have the fun without having sole responsibility when they don't feel able for it?

Son’s behaviour is no worse or different to what DD was at that age. They put her on a pedestal due to how old she acts, conversations they can have, board games they can play etc. they don’t want to do snap and matching pairs etc with son.

Relationship was good but has become more distant as many factors have come alight and the desire to be around DD but not me, my DH or my son over the past year has made things become more formal. We had FaceTimed earlier today (as we do every Sunday) for 30 mins with kids and things seemed fine. I asked them to text me when they were free to come to ours once they’d checked their diary. Then texted them as forgot during call to ask when they were free to have the kids over Easter as talked about previously. They responded via email.

I think they've been honest with you. Your son is a different child than your daughter, at that age. They clearly don't feel confident in looking after your son overnight at the moment. It's their choice, and you have no option but to accept it. May be once your son is a little older, and has grown out of his tantrums etc, they may feel differently.

They only have a two bed house. They’d be in one bedroom and kids in the other. Lounge is too small to sleep in with dining table and sofa. Little space to play but they normally take DD to museums or park or sit at table playing games so not normally an issue regarding space. But not space for us to stop too.

As a grand mother I think you are being unreasonable. Frankly I would not be happy in the circumstances either. Partly but I think 3.5 is a bit old for tantrums to still significantly feature day to day. I suspect they are trying to tell you to deal with his behaviour and are hoping MIL will feel that way too. Yes he's your kid, so your rules but no one else should be expected to deal with it. They've done their time!

You think 3.5 years is a bit old for daily tantrums? Crikey. I hope you never meet my four year old...🙄

He doesn’t have tantrums day to day. It’s probably a few times a month. DD says she can’t wait to go with brother. Is now upset he can’t go and she doesn’t think it’s fair that only she can go. We’ve not told her that they’ve said he can’t as don’t want her to think differently of them.

A four year old having daily tantrums isn't normal. They should be able to express themselves in different ways at that age.

MIL not willing to have son yet either but she didn’t let DD stop until she was 5 and a half years old. And she’s nearly 10 years older than my mum.

There's obviously something with your son that your mother doesn't feel she can deal with. Is it even that he is a boy? I think that's something my own mother had difficulty with (none of hers were boys).

He’s not having daily tantrums and he’s not yet 4 years old.

I was replying to the poster who was talking about her four year old, not your child (though 3.5 year old should be able to express themselves differently too).

I think so. She had me and my sister. Never had boys. I had three boy cousins but she never looked after them.

Sounds like a mix of them ageing out of managing the preschool years and some favouritism, they don't want to go back to childish things unfortunately so I doubt it will change.

It’s better they are upfront than struggling all night and it being a disaster. Your ds is probably a spirited little one and they don’t know how they will cope.
I would rather they told me to be honest.

There could be something with it then (though my mother had other issues that had nothing to do directly with my son). I don't really have boys in my family and wasn't confident with preschool boys (who behaved very differently than girls at playgroups) and didn't really know how to manage the more physical behaviours. Having my own boys fixed that for me as I learned. If I'd only had girls, I'm not sure I'd maybe feel the same way as before I had them.

They don't want to.
They're older now than they were when they first had your daughter.
I get it's upsetting but they clearly don't want to. Perhaps they'd be happy to have him in your own house , maybe when he's a bit older.

DD is very much like me. Often joked she’s my clone. Bit of a tomboy, confident, outgoing, stubborn. All same as me. Son is affectionate, caring, loves anything outdoors or to do with food or trucks. Can be possessive about certain things at times but idealises his big sister and would do anything she says. They’re great together. Funny, love dancing and making up shows.

By tantrum if you are reading that as an hour long meltdown then no it maybe wouldn't be entirely "normal". What I'm talking about is when a child gets upset and emotionally dysregulated for about 15-20 mins. That is normal for a 3.5/4 year old. Heck, I get emotionally worked up multiple times a day but I manage it because I have a fully developed frontal lobe which my 4 year old does not yet have (and won't have til she's about 25).

If you mean getting upset for a bit, then yeah, that's not a tantrum. When I think of tantrum I think of howling and yelling and maybe throwing yourself on the floor and flailing arms and legs. Like a 2 year old might.

ALSO OP, YANBU. I think it's an odd response from your parents and saying it in an email is even stranger to me.

It's not compulsory for you parents to look after your children overnight.