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Original poster

Birthday disaster, please help!

113 replies

OneLimeBear · 08/03/2025 06:52

Hi,

This is my first post and I am so emotionally spent that I am sat here sobbing.

My teenage sons behavior has started to deteriorate massively since Christmas. I have been in and out of school and he is close to being permanently excluded. Over the last few months he has stolen from me, hit me and pushed me (this is what happened when i tried to take his phone, he did this to get it back), he swears at me and his teachers and creates an utterly awful atmosphere at home.

He is rude to my parents, my grandparents and has developed an attitude of 'I can do whatever I want and get away with it'. He frequently tells me he is going to make it through life without following any rules. He's told me he isn't going to pay his taxes, despite me countless times explaining to him how this works and the repercussions of this. Also I thought this was a very strange thing for a teenager to be thinking about?

He will not follow instructions of anybody at all and has recently started blackmailing me, 'If you don't give me what I want I will make your life a living hell'. He wants a specific item that is illegal for his age and dangerous to him and potentially others. Because I won't support him to get this he has started refusing to go to school and hasn't attended this last week. But he has told me as soon as I change my mind he will go in again. He tells me I have the power to fix all of the problems. It's like he has a massive hold over me. I can't give in though because I am protecting his future and his safety.

My problem now is, it's his birthday tomorrow. He has asked for money. Yesterday for the first time, his bedroom absolutely stunk of cannabis. So now I don't want to give him birthday money. Even though I know all hell will break loose. Please can someone advise me what to do in this situation? It's making me sick with worry and is having a huge impact on my mental health.

He is my son and I love him dearly but I cannot condone his behaviour at the moment and if I give him birthday money (in cash as he has specifically asked) I have no control over what he spends it on.

Thank you so much for reading, sorry it was so long.

OP posts:
Chacha25 · 12/03/2025 13:55

I have dc with diagnosed behaviour problems. Re school, I used to say, ‘It’s the law’ which somehow my dc accepted better than making it into a personal battle between them and me.

Chacha25 · 12/03/2025 14:00

I would also say that you might reach a stage where it is safer for you not to have a battle with him over certain things. As in, he has made the decision not to attend school, you can’t physically force him, it is making the family stressed and affecting your relationship and he is aggressive about it. I did that on occasion because it was too risky to try to make my dc do certain things. (I was exhausted and black and blue by this stage can I point out.)

DoNoTakeNo · 12/03/2025 16:16

Also - how's he been re wanting the banned item & the cannabis in his room?

DoNoTakeNo · 13/03/2025 09:07

Hey @OneLimeBear just checking in - how are you today?
How's your night been? And has DS made it into school today?

Original poster
OneLimeBear · 13/03/2025 09:12

Hi all,

I'm so overwhelmed by all of your support of here. It has been an awful couple of days. He was aggressive in school and was suspended for two half days. Today he has refused to go in at all. He has mocks starting today as well.

I feel like such a failure of a parent. I've put my everything into parenting him and teaching him to have good morals and I've failed.

I have no idea what he means when he says he can't tolerate school. But I suspect it's the rules he can't tolerate. He absolutely will not be told what to do. Any sort of request at all he sees red and we've lost him.

I'm so lost.

OP posts:
Horriblevirusagain · 13/03/2025 09:21

Your child is a psychopath. I would find a way of getting him out of the house. Call police every time he hits you and tell them you don't want him back as you are scared he will eventually kill you. Find a male family member to move in to protect yourself.

DoNoTakeNo · 13/03/2025 09:47

Horriblevirusagain · 13/03/2025 09:21

Your child is a psychopath. I would find a way of getting him out of the house. Call police every time he hits you and tell them you don't want him back as you are scared he will eventually kill you. Find a male family member to move in to protect yourself.

I'm sorry @Horriblevirusagain you absolutely cannot come to that conclusion!! That's a step (or 10) too far. Yes he clearly is in a dreadful phase in his life, has many decisions to make and possibly requires professional intervention from somewhere - but to label him as a psychopath is absolutely extreme & unfair.

@OneLimeBear I'm so sorry that his behaviour has been so awful this week. Who is giving you the professional support that you need, as his Mum? If you have none, perhaps now is the time to speak to school and / or social services to get help. Doing this on your own is too much for any parent Flowers

Original poster
OneLimeBear · 13/03/2025 11:15

School are being wonderful and are offering lots of support. They said that they can make a referral to early help but because I'm doing everything I should be doing it's not necessary at this point. But I think I want them to do that anyway. The problem I have is that he will absolutely not engage with anyone. So I can't see or understand what anyone or any service could possibly do to help me? Am I just stuck with this?

OP posts:
Superscientist · 13/03/2025 11:30

Was there anything that triggered his reaction to rules? A situation at school where a reaction felt disproportionate or unfair? Or the other way fallen in with a group that has complete disregard for rules and he's mimicking their behaviour?
It seems to be a real stumbling block with making any positive progress in any direction.

DoNoTakeNo · 13/03/2025 12:12

I'm sure that there will be other children who have refused to engage & shown the other behaviours that your son has, and so there will be tools & techniques that can be applied.
Let the professionals work out that bit (obviously with your involvement, I'm not suggesting that they overrule you before anyone says that you're absolving yourself of responsibility or being managed out by organisations)
I don't know how possible it is, but is there one named person at school who can continue to be your link?

Please remember that this situation isn't of your making, there are so many influences on our teens as we all know.
Thinking of you and wishing you strength x

FaeFae · 13/03/2025 12:47

OneLimeBear · 13/03/2025 09:12

Hi all,

I'm so overwhelmed by all of your support of here. It has been an awful couple of days. He was aggressive in school and was suspended for two half days. Today he has refused to go in at all. He has mocks starting today as well.

I feel like such a failure of a parent. I've put my everything into parenting him and teaching him to have good morals and I've failed.

I have no idea what he means when he says he can't tolerate school. But I suspect it's the rules he can't tolerate. He absolutely will not be told what to do. Any sort of request at all he sees red and we've lost him.

I'm so lost.

Like you, I would take the support.

It might be that the EH professional can build a relationship with your DS. It could be that they have knowledge of other support, groups, mentors etc.
If it doesn't work, please let me know, you have tried and on the back of that can ask, with EY for more support.

What is your DS interested in? Anything that he could focus on, achieve at?

I may have missed his age, but what about a mentor? https://ymca.org.uk/y-mentoring/

Y Mentoring | Youth Mentoring from YMCA

The Y Mentoring programme pairs trained volunteer mentors with young people aged 9-14. Learn more about youth mentoring from YMCA.

https://ymca.org.uk/y-mentoring/

Mulledjuice · 13/03/2025 13:04

I have no experience in this but I'm just wondering

  • can you lean into some of the positive aspects of influence eg physical fitness/sports/yoga, nutrition, vision board, journalling and planning?

And could you (put the money towards) go away somewhere together where you could do something physical - paddleboarding, coasteering, cycling? Somewhere with limited signal and lots of nature!

Katherina198819 · 13/03/2025 15:10

Horriblevirusagain · 13/03/2025 09:21

Your child is a psychopath. I would find a way of getting him out of the house. Call police every time he hits you and tell them you don't want him back as you are scared he will eventually kill you. Find a male family member to move in to protect yourself.

It's nothing to do with a child being a psychopath. He does this because he gets away with it.

My mum probably would have kicked me out (either go to school or you won't stay under my roof) or would have called the police on me if I behaved like this.

OP should do something about it rather than walking on eggshels in her own home. OP, you went way too easy on him for this long - he isn't the only one who should change behaviour, but you too!

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