Birthday disaster, please help!

[OneLimeBear]

Hi,

This is my first post and I am so emotionally spent that I am sat here sobbing.

My teenage sons behavior has started to deteriorate massively since Christmas. I have been in and out of school and he is close to being permanently excluded. Over the last few months he has stolen from me, hit me and pushed me (this is what happened when i tried to take his phone, he did this to get it back), he swears at me and his teachers and creates an utterly awful atmosphere at home.

He is rude to my parents, my grandparents and has developed an attitude of 'I can do whatever I want and get away with it'. He frequently tells me he is going to make it through life without following any rules. He's told me he isn't going to pay his taxes, despite me countless times explaining to him how this works and the repercussions of this. Also I thought this was a very strange thing for a teenager to be thinking about?

He will not follow instructions of anybody at all and has recently started blackmailing me, 'If you don't give me what I want I will make your life a living hell'. He wants a specific item that is illegal for his age and dangerous to him and potentially others. Because I won't support him to get this he has started refusing to go to school and hasn't attended this last week. But he has told me as soon as I change my mind he will go in again. He tells me I have the power to fix all of the problems. It's like he has a massive hold over me. I can't give in though because I am protecting his future and his safety.

My problem now is, it's his birthday tomorrow. He has asked for money. Yesterday for the first time, his bedroom absolutely stunk of cannabis. So now I don't want to give him birthday money. Even though I know all hell will break loose. Please can someone advise me what to do in this situation? It's making me sick with worry and is having a huge impact on my mental health.

He is my son and I love him dearly but I cannot condone his behaviour at the moment and if I give him birthday money (in cash as he has specifically asked) I have no control over what he spends it on.

Thank you so much for reading, sorry it was so long.

I think I’d send him a text ahead of his birthday saying that you want him to have what he wants, and you’ll happily order it. To let you know.

Then I’d say, I’m not giving you cash because I’m worried you owe money to somebody and I don’t want you to go without a gift, using the money to settle a debt. If I’m right, can we talk about sorting the debt separately to your birthday?

hold strong on the no cash and say you’ll no waver. If the latter isn’t true, the former won’t be a problem.

So the punishment for punching and threatening his mother is that he can choose his gift but not money?
Are these comments serious???

Op, he has no respect for you. There is no point in analysing why that is, but you must work on how to change that ASAP.

All these comments show one of the biggest issue with modern society where parents are so obsessed with pleasing the child that they forget to do the parenting...

@OneLimeBear How are you?
How is he treating you, on his birthday?
Did you decide on a "gift strategy" linked to his behaviour?
I hope you're safe & that the birthday is going as well as it can do.

Teacher of excluded pupils here. It sounds like he is either in with the wrong crowd or involved with county lines. Do not give him cash. Remove internet and if you pay for his phone block it via an app from your service provider.
If he gets violent call the police he is thinking that he can behave as he wishes and you won't do anything. Also search his room.

How did it go today?

Totally agree.

Hi all,

Thank you to those checking in.

Well I stuck to my word and just gave token gifts. It wasn't great but it was nowhere near as bad as I was expecting. Which makes me worry that he's planning his next move. I guess we will find out if he refuses to go to school tomorrow again. Like a lot of you have said I can't just reward such behaviour, birthday or not.

My worry now lies with what's to come. I've become such a paranoid and anxious mess. Constantly anticipating what's next.

Thank you all for making me feel like I'm not an awful parent and that I matter too.

Well done on getting through today, @OneLimeBear - looks like you achieved a lot more than you thought you would!
I hope this evening has continued to be calm & uneventfully, but if not then please remember the great advice you've received above & protect yourself (sorry if that appears negative after such a positive day)
Best wishes

Morning @OneLimeBear How are you today?

Glad to hear it passed without too much hassle from your son, Just remember you have no one to protect you within your immediate vicinity, so keep your phone on you at all times and be ready to call the police if you feel threatened in any way - you really have to! Sorry to be so blunt. You will get through this.

Hi @DoNoTakeNo thank you so much for checking in. I am OK thank you. I had a relatively easy morning and he's gone off to school. Just on edge waiting for the phone to ring. But if school have done everything they said they were going to, then I'm hopeful we will see a slight improvement.

@bungobungobungo thank you, yes I have always got my phone on me. Luckily my parents are only 10 minutes away as well. Next time I feel threatened I have told myself I must must must ring the police. For his benefit as much as my own, I can't let him destroy his adult life.

I'm glad it wasn't as bad as you expected this time. But overall still hugely problematic.

My advice is

You need to build your own support network. There may be networks of other families impacted by the tates/ mysogenistic content affecting their sons? Try and tap into that for your own benefit.

Get your GP on side, make them aware you're at risk and if you need help with anxiety etc get it.

Contact a local martial arts place and see if you can go together? Or the hyrox / CrossFit recommendations also good for both of you!!

Recognise the signs of an abusive relationship. Contact women's aid. Be grateful his girlfriend got away.

Don't hesitate to call the police when necessary. He needs to learn he can't just "leg it" etc, needs to live in the real world.

Find more male role models. Maybe slightly edgy ones if the existing ones are more conforming. Local youth workers etc often have interesting back stories. Martial arts leaders too.

That's great news, particularly that he went to school.
Hope you're keeping busy & maybe making plans wrt exercisjng together etc - if you asked, in an appropriately peaceful moment, what do you think he would prefer to do? Gym, self defence, martial art?

Morning @OneLimeBear
Just checking in; how are you today?
Hope DS was OK at school yesterday & makes it in today.
(Also I hope that you're safe, obviously)

Morning @DoNoTakeNo he got into a bit of bother at school yesterday and the consequence is continuing into today so I am not expecting today to go well at all.

He was lovely last night though and this morning. I just can't understand why he just changes so quickly. I just can't understand why he doesn't get that rules need to be followed. But his attitude is that rules are only rules because someone decided that they are.

I had a few emails from teachers yesterday about some quite petty things, forgetting equipment etc. But at the minute I'm just glad he's going. Do I let these things slide for now?

I hope all of you lovely ladies are OK and have a lovely day x

Sorry he had a few negative behaviours going on at school yesterday.
(You've made me think, I hope you don't mind if I spill out my questions here. If they are of use then that's a bonus!)
Do you know if they were at his instigation or was he egged on by others somehow?
If the former, could it perhaps be performative, maybe in front of specific mates / girls / school A-listers?
If the latter, can he be separated from those who are winding him up? Or if that's not appropriate or possible, would he understand what's going on & be able to stop - particularly if he sees that he is being toyed with by them?

That's really interesting re the relatively minor infringements: is it better to have a zero tolerance policy or to allow some smaller things to pass? And then how would you define those?
Personally I'd consider zero tolerance - but then it risks becoming a huge communication block between you & a further rebellion, unless you handle it really cleverly & carefully.
Does school have a specific view on this, ie zero tolerance at all times? Maybe consistency with them is the way forward.

It's so good that he was lovely with you last night. It shows that your boy is still there after all, and indeed i hope he will always be so.
Do you think he could find words to explain why he was motivated to be so good with you? Maybe you could explain that you really enjoyed his company & would love to spend more time together like that.

I hope everything goes well for you today

Oh I forgot - hormones!
He's going through the craziest of times with testosterone flowing left, right and centre! This is a really positive hormone and can have wonderful effects on our physical & mental health (for men and women). Obviously it can also be a proper pain in the butt as it causes mood swings & body changes that he could be struggling to handle.
It doesn't need medicating / medicalising, just understanding from both of you.
Physical exercise can help a great deal, providing an outlet for energy and enabling muscle development etc so imo he could really benefit from that.

I’d be replying to school and asking for them to let the minor infringements slide for a while tbh. Who gives a crap if he doesn’t have his PE trainers or whatever right now, he’s IN SCHOOL. Let him build some positive associations with being there.

I don't think I would let things slide but check the consequences are proportional and not double down on consequences. If he's engaging even begrudgingly at school with the consequences leave it at that don't add consequences at home.
If he avoids school to avoid consequences then consider something proportional at home.

Are there any patterns to the little things, what would support him in minimising them?

I went to a school in a deprived area and there were quite a few kids that had completely disengaged with school. I remember being in year 8 or 9 and one of these kids who happened to be in school that day when usually he would be skiving. He had to ask what day of the week it was and whether it was A week or B week. Now expecting a child who doesn't know what day of the week it was or what lessons they were expecting to have that week to turn up to lessons with the appropriate tools and textbooks is a big ask! I don't think he even had a bag with him nevermind pens, exercise books and homework!

Could you go through his timetable on a Sunday and check he has everything for the week ready?

Maybe don't mention the minor things today but when he's ready for school tomorrow just casually remind him to do/ not to do xyz. Glad you had another good day!

Hoping you're both doing alright tonight, @OneLimeBear 🌺

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply, had a nightmare of a day yesterday. He got suspended so I had to go and pick him up, I was completely exhausted. Had a chat with DSL about all of my concerns and he's making more relevant referrals, I hope we start to see these soon.

With regards to his equipment he has absolutely everything he needs he just refuses to take it. I had a good chat with him in the car yesterday. He told me none of this would be happening if he didn't have to go to school. It's stupid. It's not fair. There's nothing left for him to learn and he could walk into a job and do it well. He told me he doesn't see it getting any better. He told me he's happy at home but can't tolerate school. I don't know how to change this mindset??

I can see myself losing my job over this with all of the time I have to take leaving to collect him and meetings and everything. He doesn't realise the impact he's having.

Hey, no worries about taking time to reply - this is all at your pace
He is so fortunate to have you as his Mum, on his side, caring for him.
(Obviously it'll be a while before he realises that cos he is a teenager but he will, one day!)

If you haven't already, can you explain to your employer what the situation is? Hopefully they can be understanding & helpful to you - do you have access to an employee support scheme?

If there there anything adult (or older teen, as PP have said) who he has a particular bond with, other than you, can you link them up to discuss stuff. Doesn't have to be everything in one go, just a start.

Also - be kind to yourself. You're keeping going in what must be exhausting times, so don't be harsh on your son's Mum!!

I had a very similar conversation with my 4 yo this morning. She didn't want to go to school anymore as she knows how to read so what's the point in going!

Can you dig a bit deeper with him about what the problem is with school? What does "can't tolerate school" mean to him? Are there any other schools around, are there any that might be a better fit for him?

What does he want to do jobs wise? Would it be worth sitting down with him and looking at some relevant job adverts to see what background they are looking at? There won't be many jobs that don't ask for maths and English GCSEs!

The other angle is financial freedom, my sister got a bit disengaged with education and jobs in her late teens. Together we went through the cheapest accommodation on Rightmove to rent. Realising that if she continued job hoping around different temp roles she was going to struggle to afford to leave home. She found a course she could engage with from their she got a permanent full time job. From there she could afford to rent a place gain some independence and has gone from strength to strength.

Illuminating the real-life costs of independent living made her look more closely about her options. She's mid 30s now and built a successful career despite not going down the usual a levels /degree route.

Well, sometimes we have to do things that we aren't happy about. You are his mother - you tell him what to do and not the other way around.

He doesn't like school? He doesn't like living for free, food on the table that he didn't have to work for? He should be enjoying this time, not try to jump ahead towards a difficult life.

He clearly has no idea how adult life is - paying rent, living paycheck by paycheck (especially if he doesn't finish school), and so on.

Even if he isn't happy about the fact he needs to attend school, that is not an excuse for his previous behaviour!