Birthday disaster, please help!

[OneLimeBear]

Hi,

This is my first post and I am so emotionally spent that I am sat here sobbing.

My teenage sons behavior has started to deteriorate massively since Christmas. I have been in and out of school and he is close to being permanently excluded. Over the last few months he has stolen from me, hit me and pushed me (this is what happened when i tried to take his phone, he did this to get it back), he swears at me and his teachers and creates an utterly awful atmosphere at home.

He is rude to my parents, my grandparents and has developed an attitude of 'I can do whatever I want and get away with it'. He frequently tells me he is going to make it through life without following any rules. He's told me he isn't going to pay his taxes, despite me countless times explaining to him how this works and the repercussions of this. Also I thought this was a very strange thing for a teenager to be thinking about?

He will not follow instructions of anybody at all and has recently started blackmailing me, 'If you don't give me what I want I will make your life a living hell'. He wants a specific item that is illegal for his age and dangerous to him and potentially others. Because I won't support him to get this he has started refusing to go to school and hasn't attended this last week. But he has told me as soon as I change my mind he will go in again. He tells me I have the power to fix all of the problems. It's like he has a massive hold over me. I can't give in though because I am protecting his future and his safety.

My problem now is, it's his birthday tomorrow. He has asked for money. Yesterday for the first time, his bedroom absolutely stunk of cannabis. So now I don't want to give him birthday money. Even though I know all hell will break loose. Please can someone advise me what to do in this situation? It's making me sick with worry and is having a huge impact on my mental health.

He is my son and I love him dearly but I cannot condone his behaviour at the moment and if I give him birthday money (in cash as he has specifically asked) I have no control over what he spends it on.

Thank you so much for reading, sorry it was so long.

I have no idea what to even say to him when I tell him he isn't getting any money.

During the day he is at home but is then going out once his friends are home from school.

He has expressed an interest in boxing and martial arts but just said to me 'I'm dead socially awkward so I'd never go'.

He told me that sometimes he gets so angry that it's like he's looking down on the situation and can't do anything to stop it. This is scary. He's a big lad.

This sounds awful OP. You can't go on like this. Sadly it does sound like he's involved with a gang or county lines.

I'd get the police involved now. You need immediate help and he needs to be spoken to. Are there any other people in the house or is it just you and him? Who will be there when you tell him there's no birthday money?

This was my thought too. Tell him it's in a savings account for him because you're concerned about what he would do with the cash and you want to keep him safe. But if and when he wants to spend it you're happy to order things for him. Appropriate things of course.

This sounds so difficult and I'm so sorry you're going through it. Please try to have someone at home with you if at all possible or at the least call the police non emergency line to let them know you're concerned.

I would tell him in advance you are getting him a present and there will be no money. If he sells the present/s, well you can’t control everything.

Are school referring him to Prevent? They can access some support that way too - radicalisation by AT is definitely a reason and I'd hope they'd be more on it given recent events elsewhere

I can't thank you all enough for your replies/advice/suggestions and support. I really am taking on board everything you're all saying and I'm desperately hoping that with more support I will get my son back.

I have also thought about putting the money into a savings account for him and telling him I will order him stuff when he wants it.

A few weeks ago I was taking him shopping and for a meal for his birthday and I had visions of it being so lovely. My mum and dad are refusing to give him money as well so that's like a double whammy of disappointment for him because he had asked them for the same. Every other year this hasn't been an issue at all, he's just spent it on overpriced designer clothes. This year is a whole different story.

I went through this with my daughter when she was 15. She refused school and she was violent towards me and I suspect was coerced into criminal activities. What helped me was to report to the police everytime she attacked me or damaged property she was arrested and charged twice this stopped the violence. I had a specialist contexual support team from ss involved who were able to disrupt some of her contact with undesirables and they supported her with her self esteem. Social workers do not understand this and will try to parent blame this is why it is important ypu ask to be referred to a specialist team who can really support. It took years but she is settled and is working. It is hell as she wouldn't engage with cahmms would make false accusations and try and bribe me buy I stuck to my guns.

He’d just sell it.

Massive alarm bells ringing for exploitation alongside drug use, ask school to make a referral to social care for complex safeguarding team support. They will try and engage him in support and may be able to shed more light on what is happening in his wider social circle.

I am sorry you are going through this. I don’t have advice as you seem to be doing everything you can. Please make sure you stay safe. Sending hugs x

Sorry can't really add anything helpful to what has already been said. Could you give him the money another way eg NS&I Premium Bonds? Obviously you open the account in his name but keep all the numbers and holders number hidden. That way he'll know you've given him money but for his future.

Don't think about giving him anything

be ready to ring the police. Honestly I'm scared for you. What are his friends lie, I'm guessing they're similar and wondering what their parents are doing.

Some practical tips

Learn self defence. You can’t change him right now but you can build your own confidence and bravery and ability to restrain him if needed. I’ve never raised a hand or been in a physical altercation with my teenagers but being an accomplished kick-boxer maybe causes some hesitation.

Look for a friends child or similar who is 2-4 years older than him and physically stronger with more social standing and ask them for help. One of the things I’ve seen over and over again is that there is still a level of respect amongst peers and out there in the groups (and yes I guess gangs) you won’t see or understand but someone will. Sometimes it just takes a quiet word to find out what’s going on - because something clearly is going on. I’ve used this and my teenager have been used for this, not violence of any kind, just a word on the street type of thing and I’ve seen many escalating situations stop in their tracks from this over parents and school intervention.

He is clearly hurting hard, maybe the split, maybe becoming a man and feeling abandoned by his dad, maybe county lines, maybe gangs, maybe drugs. It’s maybe anything but it’s is something it is not just he hates you and wants to hurts you. The Tate thing is where boys go WHEN they have something going on. They don’t just get radicalised from happy and balanced by watching a YouTube video.

Birthday wise I would gift a membership to the local bodybuilding gym (he sounds like he needs to realise there’s plenty bigger and stronger out there who respect their parents. Body builders in my experience are lovely people usually slightly insecure but have found their tribe that values health and achievement (Ok yes maybe also some steroids but not all) or the local Hyrox or CrossFit gym or lessons at the local MMA gym again a great place to get take down a peg or two whilst still looking / feeling like the hard man to his peers.

Smoking weed is hardly unusual, but defiantly in your house is a major power move. That’s one area for serious push back. Not that he can never experiment with drugs but that the level of disrespect is signs of this escalation.

I would read how to talk so teens listen and join some parenting forums just for support that you’re not alone. You must feel very isolated and lonely but you are not alone and this is not uncommon.

big hug. The most likely outcome is that he eventually breaks down and you find out what’s going on, you rebuild together and you’ll look back and not recognise the dynamic. It’s not prison or death or gang life, you will most likely get though it xx

Keep us updated with how things go. Moving won't necessary help as these wonderful groups of people who lead youngsters astray are everywhere unfortunately. I worry from what you've said that if he's so desperate for money, is he potentially in debt to someone? That's how it can start, some free weed then they have to pay it back and more..
If he is that above the police I would definitely suggest they speak to him. 1-1, dead serious, laying out where he may be in a few months time if he continues. He may listen to them.

The support from everyone is absolutely incredible and I can't even tell you how much I appreciate it. It's a very lonely place to be.

His friends are just as bad from the sounds of things. If he was in debt with someone I wish they he would tell me so I can help. Although, it does all seem to stem from the fact that I won't help him buy his desired item. I wish I could say what it was but I'm sure all of you would agree that he cannot have one.

Winterscoming thank you so much for your practical tips. I'm finding it so hard to think practically right now. I've temporarily made myself scarce while my parents have a good chat with him. They used to be so close. I will definitely keep you all updated and thank you so so so much again. I've really needed people with no emotional connection to the situation to talk to. I don't have any friends.

From your first post I knew your DS had been watching Andrew Tate or similar misogynistic shite and is now acting out that playbook.

It sounds really, really tough for you.

So sorry you're going through this. I think at this stage it has to be police involvement the next time he threatens you. I also think county lines/gang involvement sounds highly likely unfortunately

Did he behave like this prior to hanging round with this friend/friends you mentioned? Do you know anything about this friend/friends or their parents? Is he still with his girlfriend? Im really sorry this is happening to you.. Just wondering if the friend/friends are somehow manipulating him in someway? Xx

"I am also concerned that he could seriously hurt me or kill me to be honest. I don't sleep through fear of this. I've lost an insane amount of weight"
Apologies if this duplicates anyone else's comments (I've not quite RTFT due to time) but anyway:

You need a safe place in your own home.
Can you lock your bedroom door?
If not currently possible, could you get a bolt & fix it on today?
If nothing else, do you have a wedge-shaped doorstop that you could use if you need to hide in your room? (The obvious advantage of a doorstop is that you can use it in any room.)

I'm so sorry for the situation that you find yourselves in - I include your DS in that, because it's clearly not in his best interests either, where he could easily make serious mistakes that will affect him through his whole life. It is remarkably cruel of him to behave like this to you. I dearly wish that our society were better able to protect and support you.

Finally, I'm with the group who would rather he didn't get any gifts; you love him but it's just not appropriate to reward him with money or gifts at the moment. When he changes, you will show your love that way, but not yet.

https://www.counterterrorism.police.uk/what-we-do/prevent/

I’m sorry it sounds so hard. Do you think it would be better to tell him about the money now? I’m wondering if the impact will be even more heightened tomorrow.

I know your dad/male relatives have been talking to him in general terms, but I wonder if they could specifically address some of the Tate nonsense and refute the points those two idiots make. It's very easy to counter what they say, but teenage boys are (unfortunately) more receptive to hearing Tate rebuttals from a man

But that would be no good either. Because he would use it as an excuse for turning against OP even more. And deep down feel he is not loved. I am saying he deserves gifts. Absolutely not money, and nothing he can sell. But some gifts and cards absolutely. I think it’s very important actually. No matter how he will react to them.

What about nipping out to get a voucher for a specific shop/food outlet if you don't have an alternative present. Don't give him cash. Stand your ground.

Yeah, I’d give him a snack basket/box with drinks, snacks etc.