Birthday disaster, please help!

[OneLimeBear]

Hi,

This is my first post and I am so emotionally spent that I am sat here sobbing.

My teenage sons behavior has started to deteriorate massively since Christmas. I have been in and out of school and he is close to being permanently excluded. Over the last few months he has stolen from me, hit me and pushed me (this is what happened when i tried to take his phone, he did this to get it back), he swears at me and his teachers and creates an utterly awful atmosphere at home.

He is rude to my parents, my grandparents and has developed an attitude of 'I can do whatever I want and get away with it'. He frequently tells me he is going to make it through life without following any rules. He's told me he isn't going to pay his taxes, despite me countless times explaining to him how this works and the repercussions of this. Also I thought this was a very strange thing for a teenager to be thinking about?

He will not follow instructions of anybody at all and has recently started blackmailing me, 'If you don't give me what I want I will make your life a living hell'. He wants a specific item that is illegal for his age and dangerous to him and potentially others. Because I won't support him to get this he has started refusing to go to school and hasn't attended this last week. But he has told me as soon as I change my mind he will go in again. He tells me I have the power to fix all of the problems. It's like he has a massive hold over me. I can't give in though because I am protecting his future and his safety.

My problem now is, it's his birthday tomorrow. He has asked for money. Yesterday for the first time, his bedroom absolutely stunk of cannabis. So now I don't want to give him birthday money. Even though I know all hell will break loose. Please can someone advise me what to do in this situation? It's making me sick with worry and is having a huge impact on my mental health.

He is my son and I love him dearly but I cannot condone his behaviour at the moment and if I give him birthday money (in cash as he has specifically asked) I have no control over what he spends it on.

Thank you so much for reading, sorry it was so long.

Have the school referred him anywhere? Sounds like he potentially has SEN so I would hope that’s excluded if not you can see your GP yourself and explain and ask for a referral, no answers for the money I’m afraid x

Don't give him money.

Do give him another present.

Try to detach. Teens are a bit like toddlers. If a toddler yells at you that they hate you ina tantrum it's best just not to engage.

Same with a teen. If he tells you he won't pay his taxes, just ignore. If he tells you he won't blah blah whatever, ignore.

The cannabis is concerning, as is the school.

Thank you so much for your replies. I raised potential SEN with the school and they are doing the relevant referrals. The school are being so incredibly helpful, I just don't know how I can make him see the impact all of this is having on others.

Parenting a teenager is the hardest thing I've ever done. I just feel like I can't do anything right. He hates me no matter what I do. I've tried the soft approach, I've tried tough love, I've tried giving him more independence, I've just telling him I love him. Nothing works x

I'm so sorry. This must be very difficult for you.

At the moment you're in control of what you give him for his birthday. I would make the most of that control. You can say next time he can get cash when he's stops the brattish behaviour. In the real world (which as a parent you're trying to prepare him for) there will be no concessions for his birthday.

I know this is going to take all the strength you have right now as he will kick off. Just be as strong as you can and disengage. If he is violent - call the police (easier said than done - I know).

I may be a way off, however because you mentioned concerning changes in his behaviour (making me wonder where he's learnt to be so aggressive and manipulative) and cannabis, it might be worth reading about county lines: https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-abuse-and-neglect/county-lines#article-top

Out of concern re drugs (and not wanting to reward his behaviour), I wouldn't give him the money in these circumstances, however I recognise that may be easier said than done and I think you may need a back up plan in order to stay safe if you maintain that boundary. Can anyone stay with you?

I'd definitely still acknowledge his birthday in some way, because I think teenagers need to be shown that you care even when they're acting out... but caring doesn't = flash presents/money.

Research PDA Pathological demand avoidance and see if he fits the profile. My 13 yr old has AUtism and ADHD and tbh I've never really had many problems with jer behaviour until she started secondary. She is now so much hard work and hates the word no, having anything removed or consequences. I did for a while consider PDA.
ALSO LOOM AT Alexithymia. Blood teen yrs are so hard.

Thank you both so much for your replies. I know I'm going to have to stay strong, and I know the fall out from it is going to be horrendous. I'm so scared that this will make him really escalate his behaviour but I suppose I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

County lines has definitely crossed my mind and I know it's crossed schools mind as well. They have referred him to a new initiative that is being offered, I can't remember the name of it now.

I feel so awful because prior to Christmas he was spending every waking moment with his girlfriend and I subtly suggested that it was a lot of time for two 14 year olds and suggested that maybe he do things with his friends instead on occasion. He listened to me and this is the result. I should never have butted in. X

Towwanthustice I have just looked up Alexithymia having never heard of it. This is ringing all sorts of bells. It sounds like a horrible way for someone to describe their child but I quite often think he looks 'dead behind the eyes'. I can't think of any other way to put it. He does this stare that is just so cold and intimidating and immediately makes people feel uncomfortable.

Get him some trainers or something instead of cash, or even better some smaller presents that can't be easily sold. Explain firmly that when he starts acting more thoughtfully, is when he can request specific gifts. Have somebody in the house with you when this conversation happens. County lines involvement is definitely possible, I would be searching his room when he's out to make sure there are no more drugs, again explain that he cannot bring drugs into your house. Ask the school to have their police liaison talk to him - they have the contacts to do this and a stern word from someone in authority may help. At the same time, be kind and open and remind him that you are always there if he is in trouble or needs to offload about a problem. He will hopefully come out the other side of this but it's such a tricky age as hormones are all over the place and they a v vulnerable and easily led by others.

Take his phone, turn off the internet, make him clean his room. If he touches you, call the police. He needs to know just how serious his actions are. I’m sorry but you simply cannot tolerate this. Whatever you let slide will give him license to do the next worse thing. I’d go no help at all - no lifts, no washing his clothes, basic foods. How dare he?!

Daisydiary I've pretty much done all of that. Except he is still in possession of his phone after he pushed me against the wall and punched me to get to my car keys to get it back. My biggest regret is not calling the police straight away. He has openly told me that consequences are going to make everything worse. It hasn't stopped me imposing them but he's made it perfectly clear that I can't keep him in the house and he really will do whatever it takes to get his own way. He told me yesterday that going to school is clearly an option because he hasn't been going and nobody can do anything about it.

I really am at my wits end.

Sparklynugget thank you for your suggestion. My head is so confused right that I could only see money or nothing. He has form for selling his clothes when he complains that I don't give him enough money. So I think smaller gifts that he can't sell is a great idea. I want him to know I care so I definitely can't dismiss his birthday all together. But the thought of him having a large sum of money at the moment makes me feel sick.

I'm struggling so badly to hold myself together. I went to the doctors and they told me they couldn't help because I was managing and it's all circumstantial.

Hmmm. You want to keep the nice bits going. I'd give him £20

He's acting like a psychopath and you want to chuck him money?

How much would you normally give him? Could you divide it into installments of £10 or £20, give him the first and say he'll get the next installment next week and so on so long as his behaviour improves?

I’d be tempted to not even acknowledge his bday but that’s probably not a good plan. Definitely no money though! I agree with PP, no internet, stop paying his phone, don’t pander but don’t beg either - drop the rope.

Is it just you 2 at home? That’s intense.

Ask school to refer to forensic camhs. They specialise in children with mental health problems who are engaged in risky behaviour. I’d also request a referral to early help hub. So sorry you are going through this x

The taxes thing is an unusual way of showing teenage defiance. Sounds like he's picked that up from a get rich quick/fuck the system type you tuber.

Sounds very difficult OP.

*He frequently tells me he is going to make it through life without following any rules. He's told me he isn't going to pay his taxes, despite me countless times explaining to him how this works and the repercussions of this. Also I thought this was a very strange thing for a teenager to be thinking about?"

Has he been watching the tate brothers perchance?

It sounds awful but I'm so glad someone has mentioned the word psychopath. Because that's exactly how he's behaving. He has also admitted he finds (I don't want to mention his name) but that awful guy and his brother funny and is treating me as such. Lots of things that come out of his mouth have come out of that God awful man's mouth first.

School are very involved and we are working well together at the moment. They know exactly why he's refusing and fully support my decision to maintain that boundary despite his non attendance.

I'm just so tired of spending every day absolutely petrified of what it's going to bring. My heart is completely broken.

Walkden they are exactly who I am referring to. Breaks my heart they've got into his head.

@OneLimeBear
That sounds so tough for you; I'm sorry I've no practical advice, but you're in my thoughts & Im sending love & strength

Are you a single parent OP? Only wondering as you've not mentioned his father at all in all of this.

Gosh this sounds awful for you.

what role models does he have? Id be looking to surround him with older males with good values to take him under their wing and hopefully he'll start to see sense eventually. Uncles / grandfathers / etc - can these people help?

Yes I am, nachocheese. He hasn't seen his father since he was a toddler. I've been trying to get in touch but can't. I don't think it would be a good idea anyway to be honest. I don't want to make things more difficult. It was an act of desperation.