Birthday disaster, please help!

[OneLimeBear]

Hi,

This is my first post and I am so emotionally spent that I am sat here sobbing.

My teenage sons behavior has started to deteriorate massively since Christmas. I have been in and out of school and he is close to being permanently excluded. Over the last few months he has stolen from me, hit me and pushed me (this is what happened when i tried to take his phone, he did this to get it back), he swears at me and his teachers and creates an utterly awful atmosphere at home.

He is rude to my parents, my grandparents and has developed an attitude of 'I can do whatever I want and get away with it'. He frequently tells me he is going to make it through life without following any rules. He's told me he isn't going to pay his taxes, despite me countless times explaining to him how this works and the repercussions of this. Also I thought this was a very strange thing for a teenager to be thinking about?

He will not follow instructions of anybody at all and has recently started blackmailing me, 'If you don't give me what I want I will make your life a living hell'. He wants a specific item that is illegal for his age and dangerous to him and potentially others. Because I won't support him to get this he has started refusing to go to school and hasn't attended this last week. But he has told me as soon as I change my mind he will go in again. He tells me I have the power to fix all of the problems. It's like he has a massive hold over me. I can't give in though because I am protecting his future and his safety.

My problem now is, it's his birthday tomorrow. He has asked for money. Yesterday for the first time, his bedroom absolutely stunk of cannabis. So now I don't want to give him birthday money. Even though I know all hell will break loose. Please can someone advise me what to do in this situation? It's making me sick with worry and is having a huge impact on my mental health.

He is my son and I love him dearly but I cannot condone his behaviour at the moment and if I give him birthday money (in cash as he has specifically asked) I have no control over what he spends it on.

Thank you so much for reading, sorry it was so long.

Sal17690 he lots of positive male role models. Everyone really is being so supportive and helpful. Spending one on one time with him and taking him to do things.

I just hope I haven't lost him completely.

Who pays for his phone? Change the wifi password and cancel his contract? I know it sounds extreme but his behaviour is extreme.

Honestly I would call the local police station and see if anyone would be kind enough to come and give him a bit of a talking too about his behaviour, the weed and the blackmailing. I wouldn't be putting up with any of it. He pushes you? No phone, no internet, no pocket money. Definitely speak to school and double down. He's a teenager.

I'll be honest. Because I feel like there isn't any point in down playing any of this any more. As embarrassing as this is...I'm absolutely petrified of it. It's like being in an abusive relationship.

*him not it

School are the main source of support at the minute. Keep them informed with all facts. Ask for more and more help.
Police support officer as mentioned above.
School should be managing all referrals to other bodies, including around his ideologies.

Does he have any other interests? Would he engage? Locally, the YMCA offers a mentoring service and a range of opportunities, would he access?

I think you need to contact social care and say you’re being abused. And ring the police every time. And if you suspect County Lines and there is any way you can move, even to somewhere a little less accessible, I would.

Bless you, I am so sorry you are going through this. Taking his phone is a sure fire way of making it difficult for him to contact his friends, who are obviously influencing him in a negative way. I think taking it as a consequence, but getting it away and out of the house so he has no way of getting it back.. is that possible? Perhaps ask school to store it? The fact he went so OTT with punching etc to get it back suggests there is stuff on there/contacts that he feels he desperately needs.. cutting him off from that may well be the first step to getting him back, however difficult it may be. Getting a tracker on there too, there are certain apps where you can monitor what they are doing on their phones.. it sounds drastic but you need to know exactly what he is mixed up in. Our school did a really hard hitting, factual assembly on those two vile brothers you mentioned, it made students think and for most, helped them to see the reality.. obviously if your son isn't attending then that makes things difficult. He must realise there are consequences of not attending school, perhaps a visit from his leader of year or attendance officer may help him realise this? So tricky and hard for you.

They came out to visit the first day he refused because I was so upset. It hadn't happened before so I knew this was him taking it to a whole new level. He shouted at them fuck off. They have done such an amazing job with all they're doing to make me feel supported and to try and help him

I arranged for him to see a private therapist to avoid waiting lists but he refused to engage. Which makes me scared that he will refuse to engage with anybody at all and this will never be solved.

I'm always so calm with him and explain to him that the police may have to get involved and he just tells me he will 'batter them all', then I explain that that will be a further charge, then he tells me he will just 'leg it', he tells me he will never be sent to prison because if anyone tries to he will get away. He has such a distorted view of the world, he doesn't understand anything and thinks he's invincible. He genuinely thinks that he is the most important thing in the whole world he is above everyone. He tells me laws are only laws because someone made them up and he doesn't have to follow them. I can't for the life of me figure out where this attitude has come from.

You are absolutely right about cutting him off from his phone. The contract is obviously under my name so if I report it lost it will be blocked for good won't it?

I've thought about moving so many times but I love my house so much I've worked so hard for it and to get it the way I want it. But obviously it may come to a point where moving is my only option.

I'm sorry, what?? Are you even considering giving him a gift?
I would bake a cake, put a candle on it, and tell him he would not get anything from me anymore apart from the basics until his cangeing his behaviour.

He pushes you to the wall and punching you? I'm not sure what my mum would have done if I was behaving like that, but sure as hell not thinking about what kind of gifts I should get for my birthday.

It is normal your ds refused to engage with the therapist. My dd is probably neurodivergent with PDA but not diagnosed. It takes a long time to set up a therapeutic relationship even with a teen, who is NT and not struggling to the extent your ds is. A one off appointment won’t do anything apart from tell your ds that if he doesn’t cooperate he gets to do what he wants. Try to find someone, who has a lot of experience in working with neurodivergent teens and PDA.

As for how your ds has changed, this really isn’t your fault. These things happen.

If your ds has PDA, this is anxiety based and he’s not doing it to be bad. It’s because he is frightened. It feels awful to be on the receiving end, I know. If and I say if this is the case, being oppositional won’t work. Try love bombing him. I don’t mean giving him stuff. I mean no judgment. ‘I am wondering if something has happened because things have really changed for you. I am concerned because I love you and because I want you to be happy. And because it can’t feel nice being how you are right now. I’m thinking maybe you’ve got a lot of big feelings going on and I just want you to know that I’m here for you and I’m not giving up on you.’

To add to my post, I don’t mean that he can hurt you without consequences. If he hits you, you call the police. And you create boundaries lovingly telling him you’re doing these because you love him.

Is he watching Andrew Tate? The not paying tax comment made me think this. The next time he becomes aggressive or violent, leave the house and call the police. Do not enter the house until the police arrive, because his behaviour needs to be sorted before he turns into another Kyle Clifford.

It sounds like he could seriously hurt or even kill you tbh. I’m sorry, but it does. I would rather have him in prison than in my house.

I have no solution for you, it sounds as if you are doing everything you can apart from that the police should have been called when he pushed you. Because now he knows that is a boundary you don’t have.

Is he counting on that money tomorrow? You need a serious plan OP.

It sounds as though he has been influenced by so called online influencers. They cause so much damage to vulnerable young people.
Is there anyway you could cut off his Internet connection and meanwhile see if you can access some therapy through the school, your GP or if you have to through social services or the police. Keep bothering them until you get some support.

Yeah he's counting on that money tomorrow. That's why I'm so scared. I've already made the decision that he isn't getting it and I'm sticking to it but the aftermath of that is going to be dreadful. I have arranged back up but even so.

I am also concerned that he could seriously hurt me or kill me to be honest. I don't sleep through fear of this. I've lost an insane amount of weight and while I know there is lots going on in the background at the moment with referrals etc I just wish I had an immediate solution because I'm tired of being frightened.

Call the police on the non emergency number and tell them what you've said here so there's a record in case of an emergency.

It is hard. I have a teenager like this although they are older now and things have calmed down a bit. I could never get the phone as I would literally be battered.

I did call the police on occasion. Even now, if my dc threatens me I say, You do that and I will call the police. I would have to hide somewhere in the house to call them. Fortunately the call handler would stay on the phone if my dc was kicking off until the police arrived.

It’s a horrendous way to live. I don’t think things like turning off the internet or enforcing random rules helps. Having other people around or due to call helps a bit so get all the support you can. Are social services involved?

I think you are right to not give him money for their birthday but maybe some gifts instead. I would warn him in advance he will not be getting cash. Get back up in your home while you do this. Good luck it is horrible and scary and he sounds out of control.

The police will not want to arrest a teenager but if they do it might help. Depends on how much bravado your dc has. If my dc trashed the house, the police would make them clean it up and threaten to arrest them if they didn’t.

You can't live like this. Can anyone, your dad or a friend, move in for a while to give you support. You also need to speak to social services and the police to see what help, if any, is available.

I'm glad the school are trying but they can't force him to attend and if he carries on they will probably be forced to exclude him. A Pru might be the way forward but again he would still have to attend.

Where is he spending his time now he’s not at school? If he’s out somewhere, it is maybe gangs unfortunately. If he’s is at home, that is much better despite being awful for you.
Is there a boxing or martial arts centre near you that he could go to? Learning self defence is a way to also learn control and has usually lots of “cool” male role models.
I really feel for you. 15 is an awful age for a boy and he sounds troubled.

I would even go as far as to have a cheap back up phone hidden in the bathroom or somewhere where you can lock yourself in. Or secret cameras.

Have you rehearsed what to say when he doesn’t get the money? No big explanations, keep it very short.

Re "He genuinely thinks that he is the most important thing in the whole world he is above everyone. He tells me laws are only laws because someone made them up and he doesn't have to follow them. I can't for the life of me figure out where this attitude has come from."

It's come from being radicalised by Tate and the like. Consider contacting Prevent and ACT Early. Tell the school.

I'm glad his girlfriend got away from him.

I think you can still give him 'money' but keep control of it. So you can make him a paper voucher in his card and say 'You have £20, £30, £50 (whatever) to spend. Let me know what you want to buy, and I'll order it.'