In laws refuse to accept my daughter bares any resemblance to me

[Mummystrawb]

Hello,

I’m just wondering if anybody has similar experience.

My daughter is 1 now, but ever since she was a newborn, it’s like my in laws refuse to accept that she bares any resemblance to myself. My partner’s mother and his sisters are all always saying how she’s his double. She does resemble him, and I’m not offended when people point that out, but it’s like they can’t bare to accept she has any likeness to me at all. They’ll point things out, like a distinctive birthmark on her ears which is identical to mine, and say it’s like my partner’s brother’s. They’re just constantly making comparisons between her and their side of the family, and if ever anybody says she has a feature of mine, they seem to have to say oh no dad’s so and so was just like that at that age.

I don’t think it helps that my mental health was so low when she was born, but it just really gets to me. It’s as though they want to distance her from me as much as possible.

thanks for any advice

Honestly you just have to let it wash over you.

My MIL is the only one who can see DH in my son. Even my husbands friends and his dad can only see me. If he’s fussy she also says ‘oh, he wants daddy!’ Pretty sure he just wants mummy and her boobs every time 😂

As long as they aren’t actively unpleasant, you just have to shrug it off.

It stops when you start associating it with negative behaviours . Oh look at that cross face, don't you look just like grandma. What a tantrum, aren't you just like aunty. My goodness, your nappy smells just like daddy on a morning!

Drove my MIL nuts when I did it!

There is an evolutionary advantage to babies looking like their Daddies, it makes caveman Daddy more likely to accept baby and nurture her.

My MIL is like this, constantly post pictures of herself as a small child & then 10 minutes later a picture of my daughter on her Facebook

I just ignore it now, she even goes as far as to say her flat feet are because of my father not me! She is like her father which is wonderful I think it's a moth and son thing, we all know the baby comes from the mother but the father could be the milkman's!

It's funny because I get a lot of 'oh wow she looks like you!' From school staff, people that have known me growing up etc and she hates it! She's similar to me in personality too. Second baby on the way and she keeps saying (scan pictures ) how she looks like me! I don't care anymore it's obvious she needs to claim her in a way and that's fine but she'll always be 50% me and she's the perfect mix

The advice of grin and bear it is the best I'm afraid OP.

DD1s biological dad left me while I was pregnant but was on the periphery after she arrived and initially his family (stepmum and half sister specifically) were very present, I had to listen to a lot of 'she's his absolute double, oh she's got the insert family surname look about her' etc. It was very frustrating to listen to on repeat especially when he chose to have next to nothing to do with her. It was almost as though they were trying to remind me that even though he'd left, she was 'one of them', very much staking a claim sort of comments (backed up by their actions at the time, not just me imagining it).

She's changed since a baby and is the spitting image of me at the same age now, my brother found an old photo of him and me and my daughter and his son look so like us it's scary. So the comments might not last forever! But if they continue, like people have said grin and bear it...

You're going to have to ignore them otherwise it will drive you bonkers. For what it's worth, my kids look exactly like their dad's side of the family. I doubt a stranger would think I was the biological mother.

I don't think you are wrong to feel annoyed.
There are probably two parts to it though - they probably do see the resemblance to their own family. I can't see my DH in my daughter but can see my sister, mum etc.
Secondly, they might just be being awkward for the sake of it.
However, try and keep calm. What good would come of saying anything? They won't change. But it annoying you will eat YOU up not them so try and let is wash over you for your sake.
Maybe try and have fun with them - oh really? So she does? Wow that's amazing etc etc and just kill their awkwardness with kindness.
I think it is very rare for in laws to fully like each other and get along all of the time.
Your child probably resembles you a lot and they know it anyway.
It might also be that they feel distanced from her and are trying to overcompensate?

My MIL was like this too. Anything to not acknowledge my involvement in the process. Also anything to make me feel like a terrible mother. I would have to show her photos of me as a baby to show how alike we are. Luckily anytime my family would be round they would say how much DD looked like me and DH. All I can say is to ignore it because she's trying to get a negative reaction from you.

Just ignore it, people see their own families.
My Dad’s family insist that I’m the double of my Dad’s sister. My mums family say I’m the spitting image of my mum. I’m 50, it never ends 😂

i look at my son and only see a likeness to my family, but my husband’s family see him, it’s natural.

Remember that they all knew your DH as a baby or grew up with his baby pics on the walls so they're comparing your daughter to those pics!